Boundaries for the EX and Step Kids when your relationship with your Husband has ended

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi All,

I am sure you remember my previous thread and tale of woe. Well as an update I am now heavily pregnant, and following some great support left my husband and have now petitioned for divorce. Myself and my STBXH get on fine, very amicable split. He lives with his parents, who I still have a decent relationship with. He doesn't have a set access rota for our children as he has to work shifts to enable a shift allowance he needs, so we work it out on an adhoc basis. I personally feel with contact its quality over quantity, so I'd rather he spend an afternoon where hes engaged with them, rather than pile them all off to the inlaws, where he isn't there all weekend.

If you have read my previous thread, you'll remember I did a lot for the SDs. They were quite upset when we split, as to be honest their mum and dad are quite useless. Ex was furious, she knew she would ultimately have to stop palming them off every five mins, going on holiday and not telling us until she was at the airport (fortnight here, three weeks there), and other incredibly irresponsible behaviour. I reassured the SDs it was nothing to do with them, they are welcome to come round if they want to, and I still love them but have a different kind of relationship with their father.

All was fine. Until the ex clicked that as STBXH is single, she would have to have her daughters more. Then it really hit the fan. She emailed me a contact schedule for me to have the girls when STBXH is at work. I don't mind them coming for tea to see their half siblings (my dcs) but Friday until Monday morning alternative weekends, when im heavily pregnant so she 'can still have a life) is not happening. So she told the girls I hate them, they are the reason for our split etc. Not impressed at all. t

She then insisted that my ex have them all weekend, and if hes at work, the inlaws watch them. Didn't go down well, but not my problem. However, she has no decreed, that he is not allowed to have her kids and mine together, as it is unreasonable for her daughters to share time with Dad. My Ex doesn't seem to have said no to this so I'm furious.

Then I had another email asking me what the girls would be receiving from the split. I emailed her back to ask her to clarify what the hell she meant. She said well they have suffered, they need compensating. I said all of the property of theirs, beds, clothing, tablets, toys etc was taken to my ex inlaws with their fathers and that is the end of it. Past that, its none of her business. I was then met with a suggested gift list for birthdays and Christmases for the girls, of over 300 each, as and I quote 'so we are clear what the expectations are with you and their siblings, and your responsibilities to them from the outset.'

I can't quite get over this, its absurd. I can't avoid this lunatic as she deliberately moved five doors down when myself and the ex were together. (She had been cheating on her partner at the time, was discovered, and her and the girls were thrown out so she had to find somewhere pronto) - why five doors down - well it made it easy for us (well me) pretty much do 80% of the care, including school runs where she wasn't out of bed until 11. She still expects me to take her kids to school, despite her not working.

I want to tell her in no uncertain terms where to shove it. However, these girls mean a lot to me, and I don't want them to feel rejected and unwanted. They will always be part of the family, but im sick of being taken advantage of, as I care for them, and that being used against me. STBXH keeps agreeing with me, telling me its out of order, but is yet to do anything about it.

What the hell do I do - how do I approach this, and what should I be doing, if anything now we have split. I know it is different family to family, but I don't know how to approach this. I just want to finish my pregnancy in peace, and re adjust to being a single mum, but don't want the girls to think I have rejected them, and hurt them over this. Boundaries are hard when you are a step mum, what about an ex step mum? The girls will always be around due to my kids, and where they live, what do I do. They keep turning up at my house unannounced as their mother has sent them over, its like nothing has changed since their dad was here.

[Thumbwitch]

Oh hurrah for the girls' grandma coming round - that must have been quite hard for her to do as well, I would think, although if she's known you for a while she'd know what sort of lovely person you are. I'm so glad that she's going to be able to take the girls while you're in having your CS, that's a weight off your mind (although it shouldn't be ON your mind in the first place!)

I am glad for the girls too that they get to stay with you as they're obviously happy with you and I join in your loathing of their parents! I can NOT understand people who abnegate their responsibilities to their children like that and are so pathetic as to then suggest they have any rights!

(((hugs))) for you - you're still a class 1 hero in my book. [medal]

[DwellsUndertheSink]

OP, can I offer some advice - when dealing with SS, please please please get everything in writing - in fact, no matter how lovely the SW, the organisation as a whole may try and pull a fast one.

One of my Foster children went to live with a family member. Great, positive move, lovely family. Family member was offered the works, as child was "high need". Told, in approval panel, they would need to give up work to take care of the child.

Once approved, and transition was 90% complete (so child new they were leaving and going to live with family member) SW pulled the rug out from under them... Parent was told that they should now work (having given up their job at this point), and that the £££ they had been promised was actually almost 50% less and not a livable wage. Also, they were promised assistance getting and paying excess for a larger house as the children in the family could not share. Then then reneged on that, so the children had to have the bedrooms and the parent slept on the sofa.

Throughout, the SW have tried to push for special guardianship order to cut costs. SGOs don't get the wage element of a foster carers money - just the child element. They are now making massive demands on parents time, but still expecting them to hold down a job.

If you are becoming the foster carer, take a look at the local authority website to see what the rates are for teens, and also if you should be paid extra for the child with SN.

No matter how lovely you are and how much you love those girls, you need to ensure that everyone in your family is well provided for, as it seems your ex and the girls mother will not be supporting you.

[FeeAmarylis]

Delurking.
OP, they are trying to diddle you.You are NOT kin in any way, so make sure they do not sell you this as kinship placement. Foster placement has significantly more money attached to it.And there is little to no chance they can place a teen and an older SN child elsewhere.
I am and in equal measure
At the girls parent's behaviour! You could not make it up.
I wish you all the best, good deeds carry their own reward- these girls will love you, and remember that you were looking out for them when nobody else was.

[Clutterbugsmum]

FeeAmarylis

No areyoustilltalking isn't family, but she is the only adult who has been a constant positive influence in these children lives for the last few years. And in the few short weeks that this has happened the OP has notice a big change in the girls behaviour now all the stress of the parents have been removed.

And yes get everything in writing from SS what that are doing.

[Littlefish]

Clutter - I don't think Fee is trying to deny the strong link between the OP in her ex's children, she is simply trying to point out that Social Services may be trying to save money by persuading the OP to take the children on under "kinship care" arrangements, rather than foster care arrangements.

[maccie]

AreYou - you really need everything in writing and your own copies of this. A promise of care support/housing help/financial support unfortunately mean nothing unless you can prove it was promised.

A relative of mine has found this out at his own cost and was detrimental to the dc involved. In his case they assured him that SGO was the best security for the dc but that they would still support him as if he was a FC. This was a complete lie and SS even denied that they placed the dc in his care. This was all eventually proved to be a lie but took over 5 years and many court cases sort out. It took a further 2 years after SS was ordered to pay, and another court case to enforce the order, to receive any of the money.

Once the children are seen to be safe SS will want to walk away as quickly as possible. YOU are the one that will need to be able to cope with the agreed level of SS input/finance/respite so now is the time to make sure it is enough and manageable for you.

You need to get knowledgable about all the options available and not just the route SS are wanting you to pursue. It is much harder to change the plan further down the line and it is VERY hard to say later that you are not coping without more help from them because there is always the fear that they could be placed into FC if your not coping.

Right now you are in a position of power to fight for what is right for those girls as SS know they will struggle to place them. This is the time to push for what you need to be able to give them long term stability.

[maccie]

Kinship care does not need to be a blood relative, a long term family friend can qualify so a step parent definitely does.

However this is the path that offers the kinship carer the least level of support from SS and is why I strongly suggest you explore all options independently of SS and then tell them which route you would be willing to take and why you think this is the best approach for the girls.

The long term plan for the girls will ultimately be decided by a court not SS but you can influence the decision on how you are prepared to care for them until that point.

[ajandjjmum]

I am totally full of admiration for you OP - all of your children are so lucky to have you in their lives. for your Mum too - she sounds like she's a real support.

So glad some people here are able to give you advice re. fostering finances etc.

Take care of yourself.

[KristinaM]

Please listen to dwells and maccie. Don't trust anything from SS until you have it in writing, down to the last detail .

I understand that you are just thinking of the next few weeks. But if you take the girls on Long term, there will be big changes in your life.

Realistically it's very hard to work if you are a lone parent of six children, unless you have enough money to pay for a nanny or you have a lot of family support . You would be giving up your work to become a full time Foster carer. If you are only a kinship carer you don't get the fee element ie expenses only .

Even if you got the fee , What would you do if things didn't work out with the girls staying with you? They might be easy right now but I don't expect that will last . Teenagers from abusive backgrounds often display very troubled behaviours .

Would you need a bigger house ? Do you have enough space for 6 kids ? Can your car take 7?

If you foster the girls you will be expected to manage their contact with the rest of their family, including their parents and possibly their half siblings . Although this is supposed to be about the child's needs, it's often about how well the family can manipulate the SW, who is the person who decides what contact should be ( not you or the girls ) .

I'm not trying to put you off . Just suggesting some of the issues you might want to think through . It's not easy or straightforward

[quirkycutekitch]

I just want to say what an amazing person you are & those girls are very lucky to have you!

[ItsFunnierInEnochian]

Areyoustill - you are a fucking HERO. I've been sat bawling my eyes out reading this thread, the drunk mum and being left alone to look after younger siblings are a big part of my horrendous childhood. Thank fuck there are still people like you in the world, I wish the numerous adults who knew about my life would have had the balls to stand up the way you have for those kids. I cannot tell you what a huge relief it will be for those kids to have someone who actually takes care of them and allows them a childhood. You are brilliant.

[areyoustilltalking]

Thank you for that 'itsfunnier' and everyone else for your support. I don't feel like a hero - i feel like a mug and a lunatic with all thats going on, but those girls deserve someone to come in and take responsibility, but I cannot tell you how angry I am its not one of their parents.

Latest joy to hit my house - threadworm - from the younger SD. Mine are clear, but I doubt that will last now shes got them. You can see the bleach fumes coming from my house from down the street - the washing machine has not stopped - 15 loads - personal record for me lol. Her school has sent an email out saying there has been a breakout and there are 19 cases at that school. As I'm pregnant im not allowed the treatment, but have treated the rest of the house. Strict hygiene on everyone, im standing over them washing their hands, and could have done without the extra laundry. Hers was a mild case, and no signs and symptoms from anyone else, but FFS.

My ex is still a dick, but has started paying maintenance, what I usually get and what he was paying his ex for his girls, its helping, but we are not quite there yet.

I have taken all of your advice on board, and now every time I have a meeting with the SW, I take minutes, which are signed by a witness, and the social worker and myself. All correspondence is logged, photocopied the lot. I have said no to adoption - and have said with the appropriate support I will foster long term. I will have to do the training, and go on several courses - but im lucky in that I am a qualified first aider, (have to do a top up course for children tomorrow for the day - school hours, but not had to pay for it, and to be honest, it will always be useful so not too bothered). I will start to get allowances soon, and have a independent support worker, who supports foster carers, and he is amazing. He sits in with my meetings with the social worker, as does EXH when he can.

He has consented for the girls to be here, so we have a case conference at the end of the week and then its off to court to get it all formalized. Their mother has also given consent, and I believe (though dont quote me, as im quite stressed, and haven't got the paperwork to hand) they have signed a section 20 putting them into care. Whether it was both of them, or just the SDs mother I dont know, but I have been told paperwork has been signed, and she has asked not to be contacted in regards to the girls, and doesnt want any contact. I have said im happy to have them for an initial period of a year, with a review. That was agreed. I have listed all my concerns, and the points raised here, and have had in writing assurances from my SW manager. So bonus. My attic will need converting in a bedroom for the younger SD as she cannot share with anyone, and im in a four bedroom house anyway so not too bad space wise.

Their maternal grandmother has been fantastic helping out, though I never ask her to do anything as she is recovering from chemo and I wont put on her. She comes round with bags of shopping, and today for example put the hoover round my living room while I put washing on, without being asked. I told her not to and to sit down but she insisted. Lovely woman. She bought the girls new pyjamas, and is forever popping round with bits shes seen whilst shes out, like the odd top for them, its not a lot, but its helping and thoughtful.

My ex has had the divorce paperwork from my solicitor, he would have been happier if id shit in the front seat of his car haha, but oh well. The statement, while 100 per cent truth - sets out what a dick he is, and makes him look shocking. My solicitor has been horrified by the developments - as is everyone else. Very few of our friends will talk to him, and hes feeling quite sorry for himself. Im the love of his life, he cant live without me, im like your the bain of mine, and I cant live with you - off you pop treacle. He is starting to be more helpful in that he will come over and help out with bath times, help out with homework. That is the biggest challenge, - four sets of homework each night, so even if he hears two of the kids read and does their spellings, it means I only have one to do and check eldest is doing hers, and can look after my 1yo.

I am getting there, no choice really. The girls are getting more challenging, but no more than you would expect at their age. No more bed wetting, hygiene (despite the threadworm) is better, attitude better, younger SD has come on three levels in English and two in Maths since being here, and is no longer getting extra help with academic work, just help to manage her little quirks while shes at school. CAMHS pulled their finger out as she is now officially in care, so the diagnosis is moving quickly, but the lady I spoke to said she is positive she has Autism. Which means parenting courses for me on how to handle it - but onwards and upwards. Eldest is still helpful - and has said she cant remember being happier since shes been here, which was sweet. No adult responsibilities for her I think has helped, and Ive noticed she is happier, and as a result im seeing her with new and a wider circle of friends. She has started street dance, and does a couple of after school activities with her friend, so happy days.

Im close to D- Day - all ready for baby - this is the calm before the storm. So whilst all is well now, no doubt ill be back having a breakdown x

[maccie]

AreYou I have to say hats off to you. You absolutely rock.

The way you have taken the shit that has been thrown at you and keep your chin up and household running under this immense pressure is truly awe inspiring.

You have dealt with SS perfectly. You know exactly were you all stand and what is expected for everyone involved.

Your dsd have blossomed just from being settled and being around a person from whom strength and good character must radiate.

I absolutely bow down with admiration for what you have achieved from circumstances under which most people would crumble.

All of your children have a mother to be proud of.

[RandomMess]

Well done for being firm with SS adoption is all about them saving money & paperwork!!!

I hope your STBXH realises he will need to be giving more support in the near future with his children, perhaps you need to spell it out to him???

because you deserve them x

[areyoustilltalking]

Thank you everyone - my life feels like a bit fat mess that I am handling rather than successfully managing but when you have kids that rely on you you keep going.

Random - STBXH being the prick he is seems to think that if he comes round to help out with HIS kids, I will change my mind and take him back. He has no concept of morally it is the least he should be doing, but thinks by helping with homework, or bathing the kids, when lets face it, he'd be sat at his Mum and Dad on his arse it makes him top dad and top husband, and ill melt and take him back. I dont find him in the least bit attractive anymore, and hes a needy irritating bell end. But I'll take whatever help is offered. If I hear 'you should take me back for the good of the kids, you are being selfish, its not just you in this, im miserable and you dont care' - ill shoot him and skip to prison lol.

I dearly love the girls I wont lie, but its hard at the min. Not their fault, they have done brilliantly coping with all that has happened. Its just hard not to feel resentful when you are on your 20th load of washing because they've brought threadworm home, or its now damn near impossible to get a babysitter, or I cant even escape for a coffee, because the free time I have is taken up by courses, or meetings, or extra housework, or the ex is being a douche, or MIL is crying about the breakdown of my marriage, to me. The worst part was failing two exams at uni as I had no time to study thanks to the selfishness of my ex and his.

It is funny though, now they are here through choice, and im no longer wicked SM they show me genuine love. Before they hated me, and would take great pleasure peeing on my bed. Now, its like I've lost my warts lol. I heard elder SD talking to one of her new friends, who had asked who I was, she'd come home with SD for tea - 'oh thats 'areyou', she used to be my SM, before she split with my dad. She took us in when my Mum was being a bitch and my dad didnt want to know, even though they'd split up. She pretty cool - i was never allowed to like her before, but shes always been ok, even if she is a bit snobby - just dont tell her that, i dont want her to think im soft' - had to laugh at that - shes not soft and apparently using a knife and fork to eat pizza makes me a snob haha even though if i were a snob, we wouldnt be eating pizza hut - id cook something sensible - im more of as domestic disgrace than goddess xx

[KristinaM]

I agree with everyone else that you are doing amazingly well

Re SS -make sure that you are being trained and approved as a foster carer and not as a kinship carer. You need to insist on the fee and allowances . Do you have this in writing yet ?

You need to ask SS about respite too. And how are you going to do the training and meetings once baby arrives? Is there childcare on the course?

Who is paying for the loft to be converted for DSD?

I suggest you read the foster carers threads on Mumsnet ,they will know all the up to date information

Keep pushing thing with CAMHS , you may need them later for DSD1

[TheMumsRush]

Areyou, you my dear are a f**king legend!! I've followed this and your last thread and don't know how you do it! I'm surprised exw handed the kids over, didn't she see them as a meal ticket? I'm glad she's out the picture. What a useless pair of twunts. We'll all be thinking of you with the birth coming up. Hope the twat stbx doesn't try to come. Wishing you all the best

[RandomMess]

Just shows emotionally blackmailed they were by their mum - they weren't allowed to like you. Your genuine love and care for them clearly has always shone through otherwise they wouldn't have ever turned up at your doorstep.

Don't be afraid to explain nicely to the girls that you are very very tired and anything they can do to help is really appreciated.

As for the bell end ex, well he doesn't deserve a mention! Perhaps tell MIL your priority are the girls, the girls and the girls that you are so busy looking after twat face kids you have nothing left to give him even if you wanted to! (I am right in thinking your dc are also all dds I hope!)

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Im the love of his life, he cant live without me, im like your the bain of mine, and I cant live with you - off you pop treacle

This still has me properly laughing

Honest to god I have no idea how the fuckity fuck you are coping. I really, really don't. Hat's off to you

My hearts breaking for the girls, for their Mum to have done that to them and she doesn't even want to see them......?????????????? I mean WTAF? Has she moved away or is she still a few doors down??

... and your MIL crying to you about the breakdown of your marriage?! I can't think where your Poor Me ex gets it from

He's a right piece of work isn't he :(

I hope you have laid it out straight that he will be there, with his ex MIL if she can help out, when you have the baby as he will NOT be in the room with you.

I'm staggered at the whole thing, absolutely floored at what you have taken on and why.

However, all adult madness aside, what a lovely, lovely thing to have overheard

[areyoustilltalking]

Random - no I have two boys and a girl and a girl on the way - so its madness at mine.

Latte - nope, stupid ex still lives five doors away. Woke up the other morning to all of the girls things left on my doorstep overnight, literally everything they possess at their mums. Heartless cow just dumped it, on a particularly cold night, so when I opened the door at 7am to put a bag in the bin, I saw all their damp clothes, toys, etc damp and dirty. Managed to get it all inside, and put out the way before they saw, washed everything, then told them the SW had dropped it off when they were at school. The SW wasnt impressed, neither was I or my ex, but it is literally the only thing she has done to signal she remembers she has kids at all. The house parties have been none stop, she regularly wakes the street up, coming home pissed at 3am - Police may as well live there. The girls are well out of it, but it doesnt stop them seeing what shes up too. Ive arranged counselling through the elder SDs school, which seems to be helping.

EX MIL - well it seems to boil down to she cant handle having to tell her snobby friends my ex has another failed relationship, and the situation with the girls, so I could save her the shame. Shes a nightmare - always has been and im ignoring her.

As for my fairly close c section - the girls maternal grandmother is having them for three days while im in - my ex is having my three, at mine until im home - as he 'cant cope with all the kids' - twunt. He wont have to the boys will be at school - nob.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

areyoustill

You wouldn't read about it. She wants nothing to do with her two daughters (children aged 11 &14) and yet continues to live 5 doors down?

I hope the police or SW find a way of getting her moved. It is not fair on the girls, not at all. How do they seem to be coping with that aspect of it?

I'm somewhat surprised she has given their stuff to them/you and not asked you to buy it off her tbh, but how horrible to have dumped it like that in the night. All of their little bits & pieces, it's so heartbreaking how little she cares about them. Thank god you were able to do what you did. I mean, it's not like you didn't have anything else to do that day is it.

Sorry I said 'exMIL' I meant your ex's ex mil, the mother's Mum. Sorry for the confusion! I'll call her their GM in future! As for YOUR ex MIL definitely pass the memo around! No need to keep their dirty little secrets for them.

What date is your CC (don't say if you don't want to!).

LOL at he can't cope with all the kids. Perhaps he should stop having them then and pressuring women into keeping babies. It should be legal to take them to the drs to have them neutered like you can a dog.

The girls are lucky to have you and they sound like they are doing so much better now.

How do your kids feel about it all?

[Tory79]

Sorry I have no practical advice or experience to offer but just felt the need to come on here and tell you you are amazing xx

[Whereisegg]

Been thinking of you op, still outdoing yourself with your awesomeness I see

[mumof6needssanity]

Wow only just found this thread. You are amazing to be coping with everything and I really admire you for taking your 2 sd in.

I understand a little bit as in I have 6 dc one of whom is being assessed for autism. But everything else your dealing with my hats off to you.