Boundaries for the EX and Step Kids when your relationship with your Husband has ended

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi All,

I am sure you remember my previous thread and tale of woe. Well as an update I am now heavily pregnant, and following some great support left my husband and have now petitioned for divorce. Myself and my STBXH get on fine, very amicable split. He lives with his parents, who I still have a decent relationship with. He doesn't have a set access rota for our children as he has to work shifts to enable a shift allowance he needs, so we work it out on an adhoc basis. I personally feel with contact its quality over quantity, so I'd rather he spend an afternoon where hes engaged with them, rather than pile them all off to the inlaws, where he isn't there all weekend.

If you have read my previous thread, you'll remember I did a lot for the SDs. They were quite upset when we split, as to be honest their mum and dad are quite useless. Ex was furious, she knew she would ultimately have to stop palming them off every five mins, going on holiday and not telling us until she was at the airport (fortnight here, three weeks there), and other incredibly irresponsible behaviour. I reassured the SDs it was nothing to do with them, they are welcome to come round if they want to, and I still love them but have a different kind of relationship with their father.

All was fine. Until the ex clicked that as STBXH is single, she would have to have her daughters more. Then it really hit the fan. She emailed me a contact schedule for me to have the girls when STBXH is at work. I don't mind them coming for tea to see their half siblings (my dcs) but Friday until Monday morning alternative weekends, when im heavily pregnant so she 'can still have a life) is not happening. So she told the girls I hate them, they are the reason for our split etc. Not impressed at all. t

She then insisted that my ex have them all weekend, and if hes at work, the inlaws watch them. Didn't go down well, but not my problem. However, she has no decreed, that he is not allowed to have her kids and mine together, as it is unreasonable for her daughters to share time with Dad. My Ex doesn't seem to have said no to this so I'm furious.

Then I had another email asking me what the girls would be receiving from the split. I emailed her back to ask her to clarify what the hell she meant. She said well they have suffered, they need compensating. I said all of the property of theirs, beds, clothing, tablets, toys etc was taken to my ex inlaws with their fathers and that is the end of it. Past that, its none of her business. I was then met with a suggested gift list for birthdays and Christmases for the girls, of over 300 each, as and I quote 'so we are clear what the expectations are with you and their siblings, and your responsibilities to them from the outset.'

I can't quite get over this, its absurd. I can't avoid this lunatic as she deliberately moved five doors down when myself and the ex were together. (She had been cheating on her partner at the time, was discovered, and her and the girls were thrown out so she had to find somewhere pronto) - why five doors down - well it made it easy for us (well me) pretty much do 80% of the care, including school runs where she wasn't out of bed until 11. She still expects me to take her kids to school, despite her not working.

I want to tell her in no uncertain terms where to shove it. However, these girls mean a lot to me, and I don't want them to feel rejected and unwanted. They will always be part of the family, but im sick of being taken advantage of, as I care for them, and that being used against me. STBXH keeps agreeing with me, telling me its out of order, but is yet to do anything about it.

What the hell do I do - how do I approach this, and what should I be doing, if anything now we have split. I know it is different family to family, but I don't know how to approach this. I just want to finish my pregnancy in peace, and re adjust to being a single mum, but don't want the girls to think I have rejected them, and hurt them over this. Boundaries are hard when you are a step mum, what about an ex step mum? The girls will always be around due to my kids, and where they live, what do I do. They keep turning up at my house unannounced as their mother has sent them over, its like nothing has changed since their dad was here.

[Didiusfalco]

Oh god I remember your last thread too (name changer here). They sound dreadful, your ex and his. I'm so glad to hear you left him! The thing is now you need to detach and start acting like you've left him. At the moment you are enabling them both to be inadequate parents and, while you sound like a lovely person unless you are planning to continue this forever you need to start putting some boundaries in place. The ex sounds deluded with her demands and I know you don't want to see those girls suffer but I think you might have to let it reach crisis point.

[Dayshiftdoris]

I think I remember your last thread and I think I said this then too...

Thank you.

No advice but Thank You - those girls are so lucky they have you

And not just that you are doing but are also battling to fix the core issues - you are absolutely right doing what you do and it's an incredibly hard situation

[Boomeranggirl]

Okay, a bit of tough love here.

You feeling bad and taking them in every time is making this situation worse. You are enabling both of them in being neglectful parents. The more you help the more she neglects. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. You are indirectly contributing to this situation rather than letting it come to a head once and for all. If the brown stuff hits the fan the situation will have to be resolved and things will change for your SC. by constantly helping you are not allowing this change to take place and you are helping to keep the SC in this horrible position and the ExW in the pub garden!

You must, I repeat must step back! Not just for yourself but also for their long term well being. Phone social services and let them all get proper help. Help you cannot provide.

You have your own children and unborn baby to think of, as well as your own peace of mind.

[RandomMess]

I've just skim read the whole thing so apologies what I get wrong.

I think you would honestly be best off speaking to social services and applying to foster them yourself. You would then get the financial and practical support to look after them because you are the only one actually caring and parenting them. Your STBXH could give you respite and his ExW need reporting, reporting, reporting she is ruining their lives.

I just want to give you huge hugs and I'm so sorry you having to cope with being heavily pregnant in the midst of this.

You going to social services reporting the situation and asking to be formally made their foster carer would at the very least make your STBXH sit up and smell the roses I really really hope x

[areyoustilltalking]

Thank you dayshiftdoris. I take the points of all the others, its just so hard to leave it. I think my worst fear is, I detach, and something really bad happens. Like she leaves them alone, they try to cook and theres a house fire, (has nearly happened once), or she leaves them to it, and they wonder off etc. I would feel incredibly guilty if they got hurt knowing I could have stopped it.

I dont think they should be left alone at all. The younger SD is a handful and her sister simply cannot cope. She has suspected learning difficulties, though my ex did finally take her to the doctors re bed wetting, to be told they were referring her to CAMHS as they feel there are potentially other issues contributing. This means hopefully she will be assessed and something in place to help. I am going to speak to my ex, and ask him to ring social services. If needs be, ill come with him and have a chat and report what we know. This will sound awful but I want to cover myself. As the last thing I want, including them getting hurt, is them getting hurt and the Police and Social Services turning round and saying you know they were being left etc why didnt you do something?

[areyoustilltalking]

Just seen the additional post, and x posted I think. Yep I think social services is the way forward. I have a record of when they have been here, and what time etc, from my phone etc. The emails, messages from her family and general conversations I think may be helpful. Also I think the schools will support what we are saying as I have kept all correspondence from them when they are raising issues, such as body odour, lateness, incontinence issues etc.

I think what I will do, is have a quiet word with eldest SD and say that if her mum disappears over night, or they are left alone for hours with no food etc, to still come here, to prevent an accident. But I will start ringing the Police and Social Services every time it happens as well. But if there Mum is in, so are they unless their dad brings them here for tea.They know if there are any problems to text me, but I think that I need to start reporting it every time. Other neighbours on the street notice what is going on, how often they are left etc. I know a few have phoned the Police at times when ive b not been there, so im hoping if social services investigate they can track down the logs from the Police etx.

My ex will be made to come out of work to deal with it as well. Regardless of loss of income/trouble at work. But any loss of earnings should be deducted from exs maintenance.

[Superworm]

Bed wetting is common in abused children and often how they come to light.

It's a difficult situation but given your ex is current pissed out his face rather than sorting his children out and supporting you, I doubt very much he would want or be able to sustain residency. That's seems to be the reality of it from what you've posted.

In all honestly, aside from you, it sounds like the rest of family are in denial about what is happening to these girls. They are being abused by their mother and their father is not protecting them.

The most likely scenario is SS put a plan in place that supports the children's well being, assess both their parenting capacity and aim to improve it, independently of you. It will force them to step up and be responsible (for all his children).

It should be their parents ensuring they are clothed and fed. They are very basic physical needs. Your ex and his ex need a massive wake up call.

[areyoustilltalking]

Superworm, my ex is at work, its his ex that is currently pissed in the pub garden. The girls are at my house. My ex is coming here after work to sort things out, pay for their uniform etc. Sorry if it isnt clear. There is room at my in laws for them to stay with him there, but again I dont know a lot about childrens services, and what they look at. As long as they are being looked after I dont care.

[HansieLove]

Superworm, I believe it is the girls mother that is drunk, sitting in a pub garden. The Ex is at work.

Areyou, taking on the girls would be just be so much more work for you. A bed wetting eleven year old, that would be bed laundry every day, a shower for her every morning, and you are having a baby soon. Plus four other children.

Someone, not you, needs to figure out why this child is bed wetting and get help for her.

[areyoustilltalking]

My ex has taken her to the GP. He has referred her to the urologist in the childrens outpatient department. However the letter would go to her Mums house, so I think ill remind my ex to ring the outpatients department, find out when the appointment is, so he can book time off to make sure she goes. I think the GP did this to rule out anything physically causing the problem. The GP doesnt seem to think there is anything physically wrong, but I suppose it is all helpful - the urologist can rule it out, then CAMHS can take over.

It would be a lot to take on, and would involve quitting uni, and work, and a whole lot else. Plus with the fact I am getting a divorce, I dont want lines being blurred with my STBXH. But if it came to it, I would have them. However, I would push for, and do whatever I could to make sure they went to their dad, or the in laws, or even their maternal family before me. I would be the last resort before foster care. Also to be honest, I can see a social worker coming in, seeing I have existing children, including a new born, as well as kidney disease and being reluctant to place them here. So me being willing or not, would be irrelevant I think.

[Superworm]

Ah sorry - I got confused with the ex's.

I think logging every incident with the police and SS is a good idea. SS will assess her first and take it from there. It's good the school have raised concerns too.

You sound very caring op. Don't be taken advantage of.

[areyoustilltalking]

Superworm - its not hard to be confused, I am and I live it lol.

I think it speaks volumes that the ex has no idea that the girls will be here tonight, so as far as she knows they are coming back to her, and she is ten sheets to the wind. She also doesnt know theyve had dinner, so as far as she knows she is to sort that out as well. My STBXH is going to come past the particular pub on his way here so he can see what is going on. I've said to just send a text so it is recorded shes been told they are here and what is going on, not that she cares. But to not to attempt talking to her until tomorrow, as she is off her box and the conversation wont be helpful.

I have also told him that if he turns up here, after all the shit today, without several bags of crispy M and Ms, a galaxy ripple, some red onion (weird midnight craving) and some quavers he wont get in.

[Polonium]

I would contact social services immediately. Why wait for those two feckless individuals to sort it out, they haven't managed to emotionally provide for their children to date, what on earth makes you think they are going to start now?

[Polonium]

It's horribly stressful for you. When I was pregnant, I couldn't even cope with the stress of the Ocado delivery being late. You need to look after yourself and your own child, and unborn child.

[RandomMess]

I think your STBXH should stop paying maintenance immediately. It will probably be the only thing to get the Ex W to actually communicate about the girls at all.

Would it work if the girls literally just slept at yours and had all meals etc. at the in-laws. I'm thinking just short term???? It means they would no longer be living with their mum, no longer financing her and the girls actually getting fed and cared for?

[areyoustilltalking]

RandomMess, good idea in theory, but the in laws arent even there at the moment. FIL has had a stroke and is in the hospital, and MIL is still in Cornwall helping her sister who has had a fall. She is due back soon but will be dealing with FIL. Plus for meal times to work, STBXH would have to be there, and he works stupid awkward shifts, to allow him to have a shift premium, which is the bulk of his wage.

The SDs especially the youngest, need routine, desperately. I spent some time researching special needs, and a lot of her behaviour seems to tie in with Autism. I suspect that is why she was referred to CAMHS by the GP. What is needed is for either my ex, or his ex, to provide some stability, and quickly. The closest they get is at my house, but I need to be realistic about what I can do and what I cant.

Big decisions need to be made and actions put in place and my ex needs to be the driving force behind it. He is apparently on his way over to me to talk things over. Fun fun fun...not.

I think the one thing I can be certain of is he is not going to be available to support me towards the end of my pregnancy and with our kids, while hes dealing with her mess. So on top of everything else, I need to ensure I have plans in place for when I have my c section with baby, and afterwards. I will want my Mum there, so am going to recruit babysitters for my children for when im in the hospital etc as I doubt I'll be able to rely on him. Plus I have asked my Mum, Aunties, friends etc to help out when I recover at home. Plans A B C through to E just in case. I don't know if its my hormones, but I feel resentful of the situation, worried about the girls, but could happily throttle both my ex and his. Selfish idiots. I don't think I am being unreasonable to expect some support and help when I'm pregnant, and not be put on through laziness. I want to scream she was left to have nice pregnancies with support from him and his family, why the fuck can't I. Doubt I'll get anyway with those kind of thoughts. Onwards and upwards.

[RandomMess]

How has your day been? I'm so sad for your Sds that their parents have let them down so badly. If your STBXH had just had the balls to deal with his ExW then they could have had the stability they needed with you as a family unit

Glad you seem to have plenty of family around that will help you in the months to come.

It sounds like you need to phone social services with every littly bit of evidence that they are being neglected.

[Thumbwitch]

Areyoustill - you sound like a fantastic person, you really do. But I agree, this has to stop and it sounds like contacting SS is the only way anything is going to change. :(

I hope that something positive comes from all this for the DSDs, especially the younger one - as you say, she needs some stability in her life pronto, poor love.

You are an utter star though. Hope you do get your peaceful late stages of your pregnancy - you deserve it!

[areyoustilltalking]

So an update, and its beyond a joke now, its pretty damn miserable.

STBXH was late paying me back for the ex SDs school uniform, as he had to pay out for his ex, as baliffs were at her house for non payment of council tax. So not only did he not pay me back on time, I haven't had any maintenance for my children for nearly a fortnight. Not impressed. I told him I needed the money for the uniforms back as a minimum and he was mmning and arring, so MIL paid it back and he paid her. I have said I will go to the CSA if he doesnt start with regular payments. I am happy to take what he can manage, but he needs to be making payments and considering all the kids, not his feckless ex.

So more importantly, SDs settled in well at school. They have been at mine only three times in the past week, which is better than everyday. Im getting better at saying no, and batting it back to their parents. Until Monday.

I had to go into hospital Sunday night with high blood pressure, and protein in my urine. STBXH came with me, my kids went to my mums. They kept me in overnight, then let me home late Monday evening as it had come down with meds, but will have a lot of appointments. STBXH picked me up, and dropped me home, and ran to get some shopping in (bread, milk etc). We had been back about half hour, and were in the middle of discussing arrangements in case baby makes an early appearance when the door knocked. It was his exs next door neighbour, so about six doors down from me.

The girls had been left on their own all Sunday, no food in, not gone to school as no one there. Eldest had tried to cook beans on toast, younger one had a meltdown as she was hungry and it wasnt what she wanted, took the pan off the stove and launched it at other SD - resulting in elder SD getting a quite nasty burn on her arm. Neighbour had phoned 999 - so stbxh went straight to the hospital.

When he got there, the ex had taken over two hours to answer her phone to the hospital, social services were there as she was still under the influence asking questions about the night before ie where the fuck were you. The ex had refused to give stbxh number for him to be contacted.

The ex (his) went ballistic, 'how dare 'are you' go out without letting me know, she usually has the girls, drops them the minute you fucked her off, evil bitch' etc etc Can't actually believe that, she had been drinking and back to a house party, and that was more important, and blames ME. I then had a social worker at my door later on, asking questions. So i explained ive been keeping a log, and have previously raised concerns. I showed her everything, letters from the school, all the dates I'd had them, the school uniform incident, the texts, emails, logs of phone calls. I basically broke down, explained how she had put pressure on my already shitty marriage, and ive been worried sick. I showed her my pregnancy notes so she could see where id been, and my phone so she could see no arrangements had been made, and where my kids were. Told her everything even showed her this thread.

Childrens services refused to allow his ex to take his kids home with her, and asked if he'd be able to have them. He actually hesitated and said he'd have to see and could he call them back. I could have punched him. They phoned here and said would I have them if no other person could be found until they sort something out. I said I'd be willing to, but I dont know how practical this is given my condition and circumstances, but provisionally yes.

Once STBXH had been informed of this, he assumed they'd be here with me, and said thats fine, and better for him (wtf!!!!). He then ranted and raved at me for telling the social worker what I did, and said now things are a mess and im to blame.

He got told to fuck right off, and that he can stay away from me until his priorities are sorted. He then apologised saying he was stressed, im like pfft, your stressed, go boil your head. So ive got them now until at least friday, stbxh is arranging for leave from work, of around 3-6 months unpaid to sort this out. He wanted it as paternity, the 50 odd weeks you get, but I said no, as im officially on maternity leave and hes not using my leave, when we are split just so he gets paid. He can sort his own financial situation out. So as soon as he finishes work, he'll take them to his mothers, and is currently flat hunting.

I'm fuming with all of them (apart from the kids). Ex is apparently facing charges for neglect - and is only allowed supervised access. The social worker will deal with that, ive said i dont want her near me or my house. Which she hasnt bothered with anyway, and on the three times ive seen her with the kids, en route to school etc shes blanked them.

So here I am, pregnant, stressed, boiling mad with the adult idiots in my life, and trying to handle 5 kids and high blood pressure, and am pregnant while stbxh has time to 'gather himself' - wtf.

Would any of his behaviour be relevant in divorce proceedings, for unreasonable behaviour - as in his ranting, refusal to have them, and putting everything on me.

Sorry for ranting. But for any lone parent lurkers, not all SMs are bad. Ive tried my best for mine, even though in a way they arent my SDs anymore, gone out of my way, always considered their well being, and for what. For them and me to be treated like shit. I get told constantly that theyre not mine, but who ends up stepping up and taking responsibility for them when their feckless parents refuse. Just saying x

[areyoustilltalking]

Ex MIL does not want them at hers, as FIL is recovering from a stroke, and they can be a nightmare. But given what they've had to put up with, its to be expected. He wanted to move back in, but that would have been no different to me having them, and having to deal with his bullshit, and blurred lines for all the kids as to where our marriage is - (flushed down the toilet, hes a prick) so I said no. He needs time to sort somewhere out, and to get time off work, which apparently will be sorted in the next few days. I've said Friday latest, and if I end up back in hospital before then, tough shit, hes got them. I also said, given my condition hes lucky hes not picking up the slack for our kids as well, seeing as im indisposed. His mother has agreed to having them there, but is asking about me helping out with 'respite' - its a joke really, and has just shown how my pregnancy, kids and feelings just dont matter, I really am just domestic service for them. If it wasnt for me wanting to right by the girls, as they get let down by everybody else who is supposed to care, id happily tell them which hole to shove it in, im so so so angry x

[notapizzaeater]

I think you are a saint and brilliant for looking out for the kids.

[areyoustilltalking]

Thank you notapizzaeater - according to my ex, and his ex I am an awkward bitch who should do more to help, and learn to keep my mouth shut to the social worker, and let things be resolved in the family - as that has worked so well so far....twunts (my new blended word for them, makes me smile, guess which words Ive blended lol) x

[Caterpillarmum]

I think you're brilliant and doing great. Just make sure Friday means Friday. You have your own issues to deal with.

You did absolutely the right thing telling social services what's been going on. What's the next step with them?

[areyoustilltalking]

As snotty as it sounds, im glad they are with me, at least then i can make sure the dressings on the elder sds arm are changed and looked after properly. Poor kid. But Friday means Friday, ive said to the social worker. I've already had texts from my ex, about could it be longer if needed, in a word no, they need their dad, step up. But at the same time, step up for all your kids and stop relying on others to sort your shit out for you.

The social worker took copies of everything I showed her, and is talking to the school, doctors, hospital the works. The statement from the hospital was pretty damning, and to be honest, they saw for themselves what the ex is like when she arrived at the hospital, not giving a shit. She actually tried to give my number so she could go. I find it an insult she is referred to as a mother, she is a disgrace. They have a lot of evidence, and the exs attitude is that at the minute shes not having to deal with them, so doesnt care. As long as she still gets her benefits. She asked the social worker whether she keeps them or not while they are with me.

I wrote a statement out for the social worker, but kept it factual. Dates, times, what the girls actually said etc - so did the neighbour who phoned 999. Past caring what my ex thinks, his family or their gestational incubator (no way im calling that woman a mother) - its about time somebody else bar me put the girls first. I just cant keep putting them ahead of my own kids and my own health all the time, i need to tend to my own kids and responsibilities, but when you love kids like your own, its hard x