SIL excluded DSS from family photo

[EMS23]

It's just a rant, she's a witch and has form for this sort of bitchy crap but I can't have it out with her as my parents can't cope with the fallout when she inevitably punishes them by withholding visits of her kids.

At a family event yday, my mum had organised and paid for a professional photographer and SIL tried to engineer it so that my DSS was excluded from the grandchildren photo.

She knows full well my parents consider him their own grandchild. He's been in my life for 10 years and lives with us 50/50. He's as much my family as my own children. My children are his siblings. How bloody could she?
Arrgh, I'm so angry. Thank god he was oblivious. And his mum, who I get on well with, would be so upset if she got wind of this. She and her whole family treat our kids like their own and they're not even her step children.
I flipping hate my SIL sometimes!!

[HygieneFreak]

Needaholiday

Thats exactly what should of happened

[TomHardysFuckBuddy]

You could say that about everybody's wives/husbands though

[NigellasDealer]

in that case hygiene why bother doing "family" pix at all?

[Fairylea]

Your sil was awful. And hygiene your posts are ridiculous.

Any step children should be made to feel a part of the family as any other children. Of course they should be in family photos.

[WakeyCakey45]

As if divorce does happen, you have no legal right to the step child and generally the person you are divorcing wont want you to keep in contact with their children anyway.

You are misinformed, Hygeine.

A married stepparent has the right to apply for contact with a stepchild who has been treated as a member of the family and any adult, regardless of relationship, has the right to apply for contact with any child they have lived with for more than two years.
The law recognises the importance of unrelated adults in a child's life, even if you don't.

[gertiegusset]

Fucking hell, so much for blended families and humanity in general.

[Lunastarfish]

I think our SIL was acting horribly. I think you should reiterate to her that your DSS is family and should be treated as so. No need to 'have it out'. Could it be done by emailto avoid all hell breaking loose?

A few weeks ago a 'friend' on facebook was tagged into a picture his mum had posted of all her grandchildren. She made a comment about how proud she was of all of them. Included was his 'stepson' despite the fact he'd only been in an unmarried relationship with they boys mother for a few years and had subsequently split (they had a child together during that time). I found it very touching that that boy was included as part of the family despite the lack of legal and blood relationship.

[WhatTheHellDoWeCallThisBaby]

Wait! I've got it! How about every single time there's a family photo planned, several different versions get taken - so if there are six in the photo you have three versions with a different pair on the ends each time. Then if anything inconvenient happens like a divorce or break-up, you can print a new one and slice the relevant ex-family member off the end?

Everyone's happy!

Or, accept many relationships stand the test of time and many marriages don't, and stop treating offspring or unwed partners as temporary interlopers. Jeez.

[Lottiedoubtie]

With regards to sil, what would happen if she wanted a copy of this photo to put on a wall and say 5 years down the line, op splits with husband and doesnt see her dss anymore. Then the photo that is hanging on the wall is no longer all the grandchildren.

I expect what would happen is she would have a family picture from 2014 that reminded all who saw it of a happy family time. I really don't see the issue.

On this basis hygiene do you exclude husbands/wives IL from all family photos? Or is just children that deserve to be made to feel like outsiders?

[QisforQcumber]

Hygiene needs to meet my MIL and my SM. If you tried to tell either of those women that DS was not their "proper" grandchild you would be picking your teeth up off the floor.

[biscuitsandbandages]

My gran married my grandfather when my mum had already left home and married. All our family events and photos were of all of us children and grandchildren from both sides all seen and treated as one.

She has always been my gran. My cousins and I forget we arent blood related. My grandad has now sadly passed away but I was so proud to place my daughter in her great grans arms because to us all that is who she is.

[TrexWithReachSticks]

Thank god he was oblivious.
And how. Because trust me, they WILL notice that they aren't being included, no matter how engineered the situation.

I'd like to hear how some of the posters who agree with OP's SIL would achieve a step-free photo? Come on, lets share those elaborate schemes that avoid coming out and sharing your warm and fuzzy opinion.

[MissWimpyDimple]

To be honest, my child has a step grandparent and I wouldn't expect her to be included in any photo of grandchildren. I don't think she would either!

She has grand-parents that are just hers, just as her half siblings have grand parents that are just theirs.

I would say though that it depends on the family. All dynamics are different and in this case it certainly wasn't up to SIL to make that call...

[EMS23]

Sorry for posting and disappearing. We're travelling home from the family event I mentioned.

As soon as I heard SIL suggesting the two versions of the photo I said, very loudly 'No, if all children are in this photo then DSS is too' and kept close to make sure it didn't happen.

Funny some mention the limited shelf life of photos when break ups happen... SIL is married to my DB2. Our DB1 has had a different girlfriend in each mine and DB2's wedding photos and yesterday's event was a celebration of DB1's wedding (he eloped because he couldn't cope with this SIL's nightmarish ways after she ruined my wedding!!). So my parents have 3 sets of photos of their 3 kids weddings and in each one DB1 has a different woman on his arm!

[FlossyMoo]

EMS you do realise you now have to tell us what SIL did to ruin your wedding

[EMS23]

I also agree and like the idea of not 'having it out with her' but maybe quietly mentioning or sending and email.
Perhaps even pull out the MN favourite 'do you mean to be so rude?'.

[EMS23]

FlossyMoo - it's a long long list!! Main one that comes to mind... We had no bridesmaids or best man, ushers etc which really upset her as she wanted her daughter to be bridesmaid.
She spent months making mine and my parents life hell about it and then on my wedding day, dressed my niece up as a bridesmaid, full mini wedding dress, tiara etc and spent the whole day engineering photo ops of me with my niece and then posted loads of photos on Facebook just of me and the pretend bridesmaid!!
She's a proper loon!!

[FlossyMoo]

They are the actions of an unhinged women.

Poor you and poor family.

[TomHardysFuckBuddy]

oh Lord, you've got your work cut out there!

Well done for standing your ground.

Mad cow.

[SeaSaltMill]

Hygiene. My DSS is actually DH's DSS. So really, he's not my step son at all. However, DH raised him from 18 months to 8 years old (wasn't married to his mother) and when they split he still saw him and treated him the same as his DD. MIL and FIL call DSS their grandchild, he is DH's brother's nephew. He is my DSS as far as I am concerned. So, as much as he's not REALLY family. He really is. You don't have to be blood to be family.

[QisforQcumber]

You don't have to be blood to be family.

^ This. A million times over.

[winkywinkola]

But photos are about a period in time. Memories of how things were AT THAT TIME. Frozen. Forever captured. That is why photos are so important - to remind us of how things were.

It's bizarre and frankly, very petty, to not want to include or chop out people from a photo because things have changed. To edit the past.

I find it pathetic and spiteful not to include a child in particular so that the past can be edited if there is a divorce.