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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
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10
Waltermittythesequel · 02/08/2014 18:04

brd my post was no more a personal attack than the OP's.

I haven't seen you once suggest her posts should be treated as attacks. In fact, you've completely ignored any unpleasantness on her part.

Funny that.

Maryz · 02/08/2014 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainproton · 02/08/2014 18:06

I understand you brdgrl, my parents didn't have a pot to piss in, one was an alcoholic the other was out of work when I went to university. By the time I finished university there was no money and no family home for me to move back to.

It's a middle class family thing whereby parents who have their own homes, no mortgage, endless holidays and early retirement can afford to let their children live with them until they are pushing 40, practically rent free.

But for the likes of me I had to leave home at 18 and get on with my life. Did me the world of good and I don't hate my folks for being too poor to support me when I could actually go get a job myself. I wasn't too proud to work in jobs that paid me a salary even if it wasn't my 'dream' job.

firesidechat · 02/08/2014 18:06

Yes but the families with lower incomes get a larger loan or bursaries or whatever. They get additional help, just not from their parents.

And just for the record we are very far from being affluent.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 18:08

In fact, you've completely ignored any unpleasantness on her part.

I think actually, if you read all my posts, you would see a fair bit of criticism of the OP, although perhaps worded too kindly for your liking. And quite a lot of concern from me about her unpleasantness, which in at least one post, I said demonstrated a level of anger that should be cause for concern about her mental state.

firesidechat · 02/08/2014 18:09

The children of the middle classes are the ones who will struggle if the parents refuse to help at all, because of the system of assessing each student on what their parents earn.

I suppose this is the subject of a different thread, though.

Agree with Maryz on both of these points, but since the OP is long gone we might as well veer off on another tangent.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 18:10

Yes but the families with lower incomes get a larger loan or bursaries or whatever. They get additional help, just not from their parents.

Yes, fireside, which is exactly what I have been saying. Not that students don't need help or can get by simply by working, but that the help does not, can not and should not always come from the parents.

Exactly. what. i. have. been. saying.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 18:11

Thank you, captainproton.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/08/2014 18:16

Yet you continue to defend her, giving her reason to think she's being rational and reasonable when she's not.

If I was a cynic I would think you have your own agenda on this board.

If someone is mentally unwell, encouraging her in a fixation is not the way to help; particularly when anyone with a bit of sense can see that she is totally wrong.

You say your posts aren't directly related to Tapper's situation. Why post them here?

If you are truly concerned about her mental health, and you are not posting to bolster her rather shaky ground, then perhaps academic debates about spousification and finances for young adults are best kept for a different thread.

Otherwise, it will seem as though you are in fact blindly supporting her, just because she's a step.

Maybe83 · 02/08/2014 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alita7 · 02/08/2014 18:21

The trouble is the loan/ bursary/ grant people only take into account income as a whole rather than thinking about expenses. They might have other children etc etc.

ArsenicFaceCream · 02/08/2014 18:25

No? Would you care to explain to me how well-suited I am to provide that for her? On my salary and with a family of five, I am doing what I can to keep a roof over OUR heads

I wasn't suggesting you feed her post-graduation brd, just keep her bed or at least her mattress. Advice and concern and CV proof-reading are also free.

You aren't the only SM on the forum who regularly expresses disinclination to provide a roof for adult DSC. I just find it a harsh attitude.

As long as I have a roof, I aim to have enough bedrooms for all our DC. If we have to downsize, we will still always keep enough bedspace, even if much of it is fold-out. Any of our DC can always can back here and muck-in and save if they need to. If my DH objected, it could well be one of the v few issues that could split us up. Parenting doesn't stop at 18.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 02/08/2014 18:26

Walter, I think that's what I've been trying to say all day. Wink

applauds

Unfortunately I'm sure your post will soon be deleted. If it does perhaps it needs to be borne in mind that deleting a post doesn't make it any the less true.

firesidechat · 02/08/2014 18:33

brdgrl the government expects middle class and better off parents to fund their children's university education. There are no ways around that. Many young adults work hard, live very frugally and still have to have handouts from their parents. It's just how it is now.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/08/2014 18:35

I think if they delete mind then there'll be a whole lot of OP's deleted too, or there should be.

Pages and pages of abuse to posters is not ok just because you're the OP or you're "upset".

Thankfully most of us know that. Hopefully HQ will too!

ArsenicFaceCream · 02/08/2014 18:38
TheFairyCaravan · 02/08/2014 18:47

Joins in with Walter's applause.

Alita7 · 02/08/2014 18:55

As long as I have room my dsds will always be welcome, and I can't think of a scenario where we wouldn't have some room somewhere, except maybe massively in the future if we just have this one dc together and have a 2 bedroom, 1 for ds to be and 1 for us and then all 3 dsds who will be 12 and 11 years older than ds need to come back at same time and then they would still be welcome in the living room but I'm sure they'd get fed up of that :p

I don't think (correct me If I'm wrong) that the op said she didn't want her dp to support them and have them involved in her life when they left home though. I thought that she'd been fine when they didn't live with us but that it's the full time, living together thing that she struggles with.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/08/2014 19:09

She said this, Alita

  • It was a period to get them through their education without them having to look after their mother. There was no set period of time as such, maybe my bad. However, it was sort of an unwritten agreement that it would be until the last "young adult" finishes their fulltime compulsory education at 18-19 years old. University is a whole new ball game in the eyes of the law.

I don't want any obligations after that, they will be adults. Their Dad left them 10.5 years ago. He did not expect to pay maintenance after the age of 19. He would be there for them, but did not predict full time, like we have now.*

Alita7 · 02/08/2014 19:31

I hope she means that she personally doesn't want any obligations as their dad will still need to be financially supportive where he can.

I'm a student nurse and my parents helped me out even though I lived with dp and they didn't have to, until dsd came to live with us when we had a conversation and I told them that I'd get more money from my Nhs bursary because she would be here and we'd get tax credits etc. But they still insist on helping out occasionally. If you can help your adult kids and they're respectful, grateful and don't just waste it on alcohol/ drugs then a good parent would be happy to do so.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 19:49

You aren't the only SM on the forum who regularly expresses disinclination to provide a roof for adult DSC. I just find it a harsh attitude.
Im also not the only MUM on MN or in the wider world who is disinclined (or for that matter, unable!) to provide a roof for adult DC. I don't find it harsh, you do, fine. I don't judge your position (although there is certainly room to do so and others might), I just don't share it.
Again, parents and stepparents alike may choose to give financial help to their adult children, elderly parents, or anyone else they feel would benefit from it and that they can afford to do so. Lovely. It does not make them better parents or better human beings than those for whom it is not a practical decision.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 19:55

I wasn't suggesting you feed her post-graduation brd, just keep her bed or at least her mattress. Advice and concern and CV proof-reading are also free.

Oh, she'll have the latter. Probably not the former. She'd always be welcome here for holidays, etc, as are all of our family.

Alita7 · 02/08/2014 20:02

That bitis Important Brd - the ability to be help is key. You can't be helping adult children to the detriment of younger children and if you're a dad whose single and lives in a studio flat then realistically you can't offer a roof to your 20 something year old daughter... when I say I would offer my living room to all 3 dsds (when adults) at once if they needed it, it would have to be as short term as possible because let's be honest 3 young women in one room without a bed for a long time cannot end well, possibly sharing 1 bathroom with 3 others as well....

ArsenicFaceCream · 02/08/2014 20:28

^Im also not the only MUM on MN or in the wider world who is disinclined (or for that matter, unable!) to provide a roof for adult DC. I don't find it harsh, you do, fine. I don't judge your position (although there is certainly room to do so and others might), I just don't share it.
Again, parents and stepparents alike may choose to give financial help to their adult children, elderly parents, or anyone else they feel would benefit from it and that they can afford to do so. Lovely. It does not make them better parents or better human beings than those for whom it is not a practical decision.^

It is not about financial help, it is about housing but even more about home.

18-25year olds are fledging adults, many of whom will really struggle in this economy, under this g'ovt particularly, left to house and support themselves entirely from their own resources.

Young adult children are not the same as 'elderly parents or anyone else who would benefit..'

Parents who provide phased support of various types, including a home, should it be needed (and by that I mean a 'my home is your home' attitude not 'you can come for a short holiday same as great aunt jean' -it doesn't matter if only the sofa is available and they have to buy their own beans on toast because money is so tight) ARE better parents, in fact. Ask any care leaver who has had to suffer the 'parenting' of the state cutting off suddenly at 18.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 20:32

I have been a young adult myself, arsenic, and I think my parents were the best in the world. :)