Dating a man with children - any tips or warnings?

[gigglygirlygirl]

I have been dating a man who has children for a little while now and it isn't something I have done before.

His ex is ...... difficult and quite demanding even though they are divorced.

Do you have any tips or advice? I really don't know anything about children and want to know a bit more about what I might be getting myself into with him.

So is treating them as friends the way to go? I just don't want to be awkward and for them to think I don't like them! Last time I saw them they asked if I liked their mum. They do come out with random questions.

I don't agree with treating them as friends, especially given their ages. If you end up in a long-term relationship, and share a home, you will likely find that a very hard position to maintain. Unless you want to find yourself in five years time being treated as a jolly flatmate-housekeeper to a 15 and 17 year-old...I think it's important to maintain the distinction that you are an adult, not a peer.

I don't really think that adults are 'friends' with 2, 10 and 12 year-olds, anyway, not in the true sense of the word. I am extremely close to my nephews, and I aimed at that sort of 'auntie' relationship as the 'goal' with my DSC in the early days (didn't always achieve it, but I think it was a good goal and I came pretty close with my DSS). I've heard other people describe their role as similar to that of a teacher or coach.

I just want to let you know that it's not always a bad experience. I couldn't be happier with dp and his 3 dds and our baby on the way.

Dsd 3 lives with us which is brilliant and I honestly love her to bits and don't know what I'd do without her. We have a great relationship.
Dsd 1 and 2 we see eow and have a great time when we do, dp doesn't Disney parent, though on occasion he's a bit lax. I have stresses, but usually things like dp not cleaning enough which would be a problem anyway.
Their mums can be a problem but for dsd 3 she's more a problem to her than us and has minimal involvement and generally doesn't ever comment on our parenting. Dsd 1 and 2s mum can be very difficult but the kids are worth it.
I am extremely lucky to have such welcoming, accepting step kids who I love spending time with and who are usually well behaved and polite (dsd 1 gets a bit rude when attention seeking but that's not abnormal behaviour).
So Yeh just wanted to let you know that just because a man has kids doesn't automatically mean there will be problems, It all depends on the kids, the situation and parenting styles. As well as your dps attitude to you when with the kids. DP treats me as an equal adult and we enjoy time with the kids together, some men make them know they're second best, won't let them discipline the kids and always give into the child, that would be impossible for me!

Giggly I think in most situations acting like a fun aunt is better than friend or Mother. It's kinda in between and works best if they don't live with you, if they do live with you then you end up crossing over to more mum like especially if that's what the child wants.
Friend doesn't have the boundaries you need or the adult equality with your dp.

Mostly see what feels right, every situation is so unique and you will be comfortable with different things to other people and the kids will demonstrate how they want you to be :)

Be very very careful.. OH has a 11 year old daughter and it has been far from plain sailing.. The ex is always there and depending on access all weekend every weekend with someone else's child can be challenging!! When we first met as wasn't on the scene the whole time but she soon was. Have a think how u feel about Christmases/ birthdays etc always being a 3 person affair?!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I knew then what I do now I'm not sure what I would have done it's bloody tough being evil step mother. Have a good long think about it..

It does depend on the children. But don't loose sight of the fact that these children have had to watch their parents relationship break down. That will stick with those kids forever. Also one day these little kids will be adults and they will remember how they was treated. When I said be a friend to them I didn't mean be best buds I meant just view them as future potential friends and be there for them like you would be for a close friend.

My 3 step children have always had their challenging moments but would I change it? Ultimately No. I have never tried to mother them at all but I do give them my opinion and try to be as honest as poss so that when they come over they don't feel like visiting guests.

Sometimes, they make it clear that they don't want you around, and THAT is IT. I was criticised for not behaving "motherly" but when ever I made any attempt toward SD, I was blanked. I was the product of a divorced home and I don't drag it around with me. It happened. That's it. Far worse things have happened to me and I try not to make THEM an excuse for bad manners/shitty behaviour either.

Saturday went pretty well. No issues at all and it was interesting to see my BF in a parent role. I was a bit awkward and I didn't want to get in the way of them and their dad as they must be used to seeing him on his own.

Also ended up spending most of Sunday with them as their mum had sudden plans. Not sure why she is suddenly ok with me being around them but it made it easier. Not putting money on that lasting though.

If he says DC are perfect, run.

My advice - don't do it. Just it's not worth it, even if you love him to bits and he is the most wonderful man in the world, for the most part it still won't be worth it.

If you go ahead with prepare yourself for years of heartache and never being able to even vent your feelings because all you will get back is "But you knew he had children'. Also remember this thread and how we warned you . Do not start a relationship with this man without working through all of the possible ramifications and permutations. i.e. These children could end up living with you or the fact they are preteens, I found the early teenage years were very, very hard.

Stepfamilies are hard - hard and difficult for everyone. Hard for the children, hard for the step parent, had for the biological parents. Sometimes it feels like a no win situation, that the entire concept is synonymous with division. No one involved feels they are getting the good end of the bargain, everyone feels they are the ones compromising.

There are of course good times (and I am sure exceptions) but I don't think they outweigh the stresses and pain and sense of powerlessness and juggling and tongue biting and resentment felt on all sides in most cases.

If he thinks someone as young as you and still living at home with her mum is a suitable new DW then I would query his judgement.

Take it very slowly, ie years, not months before any commitment is made.

Wow Lostinasupermarket I wish I had the balls to show what you wrote above to my dh, I feel exactly the same, could not agree more. Would love to tell him but... As you say welcome to a lifetime of not being allowed to...

P.s not to mention how hard it can be on your own kids if u ever have any together. It's alright people always harping on about the step kid might feel pushed out but trust me your own can too. It's hard treating a child u have 24/7 the same as someone who visits eow. Ss doesn't eat anything he should - seeing him eow we have little ability to break that mould but our own kids have to eat healthy. That's one of a million examples. My dd adores her daddy and she has to deal with ss coming in and out of our lives as and when he wants something which is what it comes down to, then ss demands dh attention it's quite unfair on dd IMO. Shoot me down if u wish! Ds is too young to get it or who he is. We've tried and tried with ss, it can be very hard when u do everything u can to embrace someone and they treat u like a bank, a babysitter and a sperm donar..!! There's my two pence worth ;)

Hi - thanks for asking the question, you must be a courageous woman.

I live with my DH and DSD14. He and exP get on well - not toxic. Some Disneying and other normal marital challenges but we're getting there. V early days - almost a year married and 3 together. I was a DSD and DH was DSS too. And there's my mum and DH's dad who were also both DSCs - so we have stepping through the generations.

For us our faith is quite important and how we came together was pretty miraculous. We also went on 2 marriage prep courses, saw some wiser couples for mentoring and read books / watched DVDs about step parenting specifically. That's when the shock set in, but to be fair the worse case scenarios haven't happened to us yet, hopefully they won't either.

I love family life and am more long term passionate, than short term excited about marriage, kids etc. So I believe in thick skin tender heart (easy to say, not always to do). I also try to remain positive and most of my posts on MN reflect that attitude hopefully. We've recently also put protected time in the diary every week to talk about whatever's on our hearts, which helps relieve pressures and helps us connect / communicate.

With all that said, would I recommend planning to settle down with a married man? Sorry no. And I was reasonably happy step child myself, yet hand on heart would struggle to recommend step family life. I wouldn't change anything now, love DH and DSD etc. But I had to ask myself the serious question before we set a wedding date "If nothing changed, could I be with this man?". That took about a week of soul searching.

There are numerous benefits: you learn about sharing, you're forced not to take yourself too seriously, you can help bring influence and stability to the home, DSCs do feel fond of their step parent in the main too over time, you learn to give and receive different types of love, you witness kids growing up. But all this is true in first families too once kids come along.

Marriages / partnerships struggle with all sorts, but for step families struggles can be more acute and unique for each member. Grief / heartbreak / feeling neglected is not uncommon for child(ren) especially and SP.

You did ask. Just keeping it real.

[Sorry it's late - we're all half awake since DSD is off to Spain on a school trip at 3am we're all trying not to sleep past the alarm....]

....I didn't mean settle down with a married man. I meant marrying / settling down with a parent!

I think you ask a really good question but the answer depends a lot on the child/chidren, the Ex and the Dad.

Some children really struggle with the experience of separated parents, some are poisoned by one or other parent, some suffer because of logistics - there are so many variables which could have a big impact on how they see things. The same goes for the Ex, who may be completely reasonable and balanced and have moved on... or er... not. Dads can be amazingly consistently committed or flakey and impulsive.

So you have at least three people emerging from a stressful situation, which makes for a pretty complex brew of emotions to start with.

Speaking from personal experience, I am five years in (married for the last two) and I have learnt a lot along the way.

My DSD is a joy and I am incredibly lucky.

I met my DH's ExP before I met his daughter as I thought that was the polite thing to do. She has always been fine on the very few occasions we have met face to face but things have not been smooth sailing with her generally (nothing aimed at me but plenty of odd, not-so-nice behaviour and control/power trips).

DH was a little bit Disney when we first met and I dialled him down (gently) which he's now grateful for. He's very good at including me on decisions but like any parent, does initially get a little defensive about feedback or suggestions about DSD sometimes.

Overall, while there have been some ongong challenges (and more to come) I wouldn't change my decision. I know that a big part of what makes DH the man I love is that he is a (good, caring) father. He treats his ExP very respectfully, which was also important. There was never going to be any future with a man who was a lousy dad or a toxic ex. So that all counts for a lot.

The one thing I would really think carefully about is the Ex. As many people have already said on this thread in their helpful comments, the Ex holds a certain amount of power and many find it too tempting not to abuse that. If you and your partner are a good team, you can overcome it all, but it can get wearing/depressing/frustrating depending on how frequent it is and what the impact is. As a pressure point it's not to be underestimated, going in.

Hope this helps!

truthwithin He loves them a lot but doesn't think they are little angels!

lostinasupermarket I feel like I am preparing or at least thinking about things that might never happen. We got serious fast (pretty much from the first date) and I knew from the start that he had children. Didn't know much about the ex and her dramatic side but he doesn't really speak badly of her. I do feel really torn about it but when I am with him I have no doubts but it is when I sit and think about whether I really am capable of the whole step parent thing that I worry.

doziedoozie Until very recently I was a carer for an elderly relative at home so it isn't as though I am used to having everything done for me. I haven't spent much time around children though.

cappy123 Thick skin tender heart sounds like good advice. Tender heart is the easy bit! I feel a bit like it is far too early to be thinking about all this but at the same time don't want to be irresponsible and just drift into a role that I can't handle. The more I am around the children the less awkward I am feeling even after just a few meetings. Luckily they are quite chatty!

MeridianB From what I have seen he is a good dad and the children just seem like they are normal for their age. A bit loud and general falling outs between them. The ex ....... well she is a different matter! I met her and think it was the best thing to do. At least that way she can see that I am not some crazy woman wanting to drag the children's dad away from them. I do think she knows how to push his buttons and guilt him into doing things.

I don't think he is a Disney dad. He corrected them when they were back chatting and arguing. Their mum is a lot more laid back with rules so it must be tough for all of them. The children seem a lot more accepting than I expected. Perhaps they are used to people coming and going as their mum has had a few partners living with her since the divorce.

Hi, I just joined looking for some direction. I'm not 28 like the OP but 44. Divorced 3 years and I have just started dating a great guy around the same age as me with 3 kids. It's the first time I've dated someone with young children 5, 7 and 10. I unfortunately don't have my own, although I'm pretty good with children. His ex had some substance abuse issues it seems to be the reason for the break-up.
From the above there is a resounding "don't do it" but does that change when, at my age, I'm more likely to meet men with children than without? I'm pretty independent and self-sufficient, but whilst I don't crave constant attention, I would hope to have some priority. In this case it appears I would not. He travels a lot for work and with his 3 children and a slight obsession with sports, I'm not sure that would satisfy me. My friends say give it a chance, but I've had enough heartache to last a lifetime. Let him go now or see how it goes? I'm more than willing to invest in this relationship, he's the first man whom I've truly fancied in a long time and who can hold a bloody decent conversation with me. He is, well, pretty magnificent in many ways.

Hi Doozy. Have you met the kids yet? Do you have a sense of what kind of parent he is - strict, lenient, firm but fair? Does he have full time custody of the DC? If he does but he also travels for work, who looks after them?

Every situation and person is different. Its certainly difficult bring with someone with kids when you have none of your own, but it can work depending on the attitudes and personalities involved.

Hi Riverboat1, thanks. I haven't met them yet but from what he's described, he's firm but fair. Their mother seems to be back on track so they live with her - she has help - but he sees them as often as he can in the week and on alternate weekends. They've been through enough, so we don't want them to have to deal with meeting me just yet. I think you're right, it depends on the situation. I'll be patient and wait until it actually happens.

Step away from that man!,!!