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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with children - any tips or warnings?

146 replies

gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 18:12

I have been dating a man who has children for a little while now and it isn't something I have done before.

His ex is ...... difficult and quite demanding even though they are divorced.

Do you have any tips or advice? I really don't know anything about children and want to know a bit more about what I might be getting myself into with him.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 27/05/2014 19:54

It is the ex that causes the issues with us too - 3 years down the line and she is still very much involved in our lives. The kids are ok, but I have rarely met anyone I dislike as much as the ex. That's the issue that worries me about your situation.

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 19:55

Sorry - two children not a 2 year old!

Walter Previously he waited about 9/10 months before introductions. In 7 years I am the third girlfriend he has introduced.

Talisa I think she just wanted to know more about me if I was going to be around her children. I wasn't really sure what to expect but it wasn't awful. I didn't like some of her comments about him though.

OP posts:
Tappergirl · 27/05/2014 19:58

OP, I say go with your gut feeling, and try to avoid the Ex for a while, especially being on your own with her. Does she have anybody new in her life, or is she hanging onto the past?

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/05/2014 19:59

Did you not like some of the comments because if true they would change your view of him?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 20:04

I didn't like the comments for a few reasons - she said them while he wasn't there, they seemed a bit one sided, and some were said in front of one of the children.

Some of the things she said where true and he has told them about me but I am pretty sure there was fault on both sides rather than just on his.

Tapper I am hoping her curiosity was satisfied! She has had a few boyfriends and a couple of them lived with her but she is single at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 20:05

Thinking about it I don't know why he introduced me so much sooner.

OP posts:
Tappergirl · 27/05/2014 20:05

In my case ExW told the kids that I was the OW, which was absolutely not true! The kids saw through that lie, even at the young ages they were then. Try to ignore her comments about him, after all they divorced for a reason. Make your own mind up about him. Go gently, and see if the relationship is right for you, after all 3 months is not long. I don't regret staying with my DH through thick and thin, I just resent the position that ExW has put us in, due to her own failings.

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/05/2014 20:09

Just be open minded about what you're hearing from all sides.
I tend to think that if what she's told you is, by and large, what he's already told you, that's a good sign.

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 21:36

Tappergirl Must have been stressful! At least 7 years on I won't have that to deal with. 3 months really isn't long although we seemed to get serious fast. I am just taking it slow and not putting any pressure on anything but didn't want to pretend that the kids and ex existed if that makes sense.

thatbloodywoman I thought it was a good sign that he was willing to share the blame for it going wrong. She was more of the opinion that it was his fault. I think it will be a bit of a learning curve.

OP posts:
Chesntoots · 27/05/2014 21:41

My tip would be RUN LIKE YOUR ARSE IS ON FIRE!!!

Chesntoots · 27/05/2014 21:43

I'm sorry, my post wasn't really helpful at all.

I have been out with three different men who have had children. On all three occasions it was soul destroying. Never, ever again.

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 21:48

Grin I did ask for opinions! Don't want to go into this blind as I know nothing about children and have never dated a man with them.

OP posts:
slkk · 27/05/2014 21:59

I asked myself if I could cope being with a man where I would never come first. In fact I couldn't love him if I did come before his children. And it's great. I love him and I love my step children. And he manages to love us all. Just go into it with your eyes open and remember they are just children growing up. Take it slow and good luck!

TheMumsRush · 27/05/2014 22:14

I wouldn't do it again. I love DH but if we split (and that would've be due to the dynamics of a blended family) I would rather be single than with a man with children and an ex he can't split 100% from

Happybeard · 28/05/2014 09:01

I'm also in the "I love my husband, but" camp.

I adore the bones of him and wouldn't change now but of I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have done it. In some situations where mum is reasonable and dad is allowed to parent and knows what that means it can work but generally no.

And this ex sounds like a bad one if she's slagging him off in front if the children and to you on your first meeting.

littlegreenlight1 · 28/05/2014 09:22

ARGH just deleted a long message.
BF has 2 - 10 and 12, I have 3, 8 , 14 and 16.
Before him I Was in a relationship for 4+ years with a man who didnt have kids. He was weird. Im not saying all men 35+ have to have kids, but for me now, being with someone who does makes much more sense BECAUSE we have kids - its more balanced - we both understand parenting, the pressures and stress of kids etc. He though not the resident parent, does most of the parenting - ie all homework, dentist appointments, parents evenings, taking to parties so perhaps that also helps.
One thing we agreed on early on was no more children, so none of our own ever. We enjoy that the kids a re bit older, no nappies, buggies, sleepless nights etc and we have EOW just to ourselves.
For me its been a really good experience (so far!) and Ive really enjoyed welcoming his kids into my life. Of course there are ups and downs but there were WAY more in my previous relationship.
Life is sweet.
Oh and I know his ex. She's a nutter. I ignore her as much as possible.

expatinscotland · 28/05/2014 09:30

When I was single and childfree, there was no way I would date a man who had kids. Just don't.

littlegreenlight1 · 28/05/2014 09:36

Oh yeah op has no kids. My post is irrelevant. I've never been child free with a man with children, a friend of mine has, they now have one together. It hasn't been easy but they make it work.

racmun · 28/05/2014 09:39

D

racmun · 28/05/2014 09:41

I agree with the others don't go there.

If I knew now what I knew the night I met dh I would have walked away then.

Eliza22 · 28/05/2014 09:45

Run. Far....and fast.

Sorry, but after 9 years of trying and not getting anywhere, I'd never, ever do it again. It's an absolute minefiled.

Don't worry, there'll be plenty of MN's along to say otherwise they'll learn the hard way

littlegreenlight1 · 28/05/2014 09:54

I'm trying to imagine being single and meeting someone with kids. Don't think I'd go near. I'd want to do it all with him first and don't think I could get over that. I'm also selfish and would want to travel and be spontaneous.

wannaBe · 28/05/2014 10:06

When I got together with my now dp I had major reservations because he doesn't have children and I do. I couldn't imagine how it would work given he has no personal parenting experience and I was very up-front about that from the outset. On the flip side my xh got together with a woman who does have a child from a previous relationship, and I see the issues that brings, although most of those relate to my ds and how he has adapted, I have no idea of the dynamic between xh and his dp's dc. But the impact on ds alone has made me glad I am not with a man with kids, but my own dp is fantastic with ds and so that has changed my view on not getting together with someone without children either iyswim.

theworkofsatan · 28/05/2014 10:35

I have been with my DP for six years. I would say that when his DD is not there he is a caring and rounded human being with reasonably normal views about most things.

However when his DD is with us he turns into someone else. She shouts at him and pretends to be frightened of her, which just encourages her to shout at him more in my opinion. He runs around after her, taking her drinks upstairs to her room and bringing all of the empties back down again as she refuses point blank to do anything. He allows her to be rude to everyone in the household and never picks her up on how she talks to people.

In your position I would be watching how he interacts with his children. If he behaves like a parent towards them rather than as their slave then you may be ok.

Newtothevillage · 28/05/2014 11:22

I am doing this right now and as other have said i adore my partner but if we ever break up then never, ever, ever again. It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. ExW is a loon but kids are amazing.

My Tips:

  • make sure you're on the same page with the children, ie discipline, routine etc - they have to see you as an authority figure too and have respect for you
  • form your own bond in your own time, you don't have to love or even like the children all the time
  • have a really good friend/friends to confide in when things get tough - not someone who says LTB but who just listens and allows you to vent
  • accept that you are not top of your partner's list (i found this very hard)
  • give yourself breaks, i go food shoping (exciting!) but i love it and it gives me an hour's peace to collect my thoughts
  • after you've had the children make sure you carve yourself some 'couple' time, we try to get out of the house for a drink or cheap dinner just to sort of de-brief on the weekends and catch up, i also find being away from the house, which becomes a lot smaller when toys are out and washing up is doubled etc, quite a good way to actually talk about the kids and share little anecdotes and things from the weekend.

I wont be offended if you think these are all rubbish but they work for me. Good luck!