Dating a man with children - any tips or warnings?

[gigglygirlygirl]

I have been dating a man who has children for a little while now and it isn't something I have done before.

His ex is ...... difficult and quite demanding even though they are divorced.

Do you have any tips or advice? I really don't know anything about children and want to know a bit more about what I might be getting myself into with him.

If he has a difficult ex I agree that you should run for the hills.

Stepfamilies can work well if everyone is respectful and prepared to cooperate together otherwise it's a terrible situation to be in and not worth the effort. At 28 you can do so much better than an older man with children and a demanding ex.

Totally agree with last few posters. And although my opinions here are based on the negative because that is the situation that I am in now and seems to be the norm. My previous relationship with a long term dp's dc was bliss. I put this down to two things 1) the ex wife was fine with me and 2) my ex dp was assertive and not afraid of discipline or toeing the the line with the kids. Totally opposite to now with totally opposite result. The main point that I am making OP, is that how your relationship is with the dsc, is largely OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. A massive part of your life will be out of your control. Please read all the books you can on the subject, I wish I had earlier on, wish I had found MN earlier on. You'll be better prepared and hopefully will weather the storm better than I, without blaming yourself.

Thank you for the comments. I do think that the ex could try and cause issues. She has tried a few things already! And she isn't going anywhere.

He is just the nicest man I have ever dated. I just don't know if it would be too complicated if his ex had issues with me being around the children. She hasn't so far but I know that she has effectively banned at least one of his previous girlfriends from being around the kids at all.

The thing is; even if her behaviour is really shitty, your ex will never say or do anything because it'll risk his contact with the kids.

My DP's ex treats him like some sort of hired help. She ditches DSD all the time which means we can never make solid plans. And the worst part is not being able to say or do anything. It's hard seeing some woman treat people you love and care about like shit.

And your DP will just let it all happen because rocking the boat is too risky.

After a few years, that shit can really wear you down.

Another vote for don't do it

There's an old thread on here somewhere (sorry, end of my lunch break so no time to look for it) called something like "Step-parents - would you do it all over again" and the general opinion was a big fat no

Here it is

You're never alone on here NatashaBee

Hiya/ I'm my limited experience dating a guy with kids is hard but it also has it's rewards. I like my set up in that I met kids before we dated at a mutual party so they kinda knew me when we started dating. It took DP 4 months before introducing me properly. It had been relatively rickety boo since. However, the exW wants nothing to do with me and seem to call the shots which cause tension in out household. I think she believes she is doing what's best for the kids but it's not always the case and rules change when she has a boyfriend. We have been oh ether 3 years and lived together the last 6 months. It has been such a big step for us all and it's going to take time to her in a proper routine. Apart for the ex being a bit unfair/ what seems unreasonable at times there are also load of good things. I get to see 2 little people grow and develop. Since they re not my kids I see them from a different perspective and still get to love them in my own way.

It's maybe also worth trying to come to terms with the fact you will probably always come 2nd to the kids. But just try to make sure that when you don't have the kids that you come 1st. This works well in our house. Me and DP are not as intimate or cuddly when we have kids and I tend to stress a wee bit more due to cleaning and stuff doubling over those days but on the days we are just the 2 of us we make time to do stuff and relax together and reflect why we are doing so well and what we can maybe do better to make life easier for everyone.

I would never rule it out and everyone's experience is different but as with any type of family there are ups and downs. As long as you are there for everyone when they need you thats all you can really do.

Apologies for my long post but just wanted to give insight from another perspective.

Good luck and I hope you are not put off by anyone's comments. If you love this person then the fact they have kids becomes immaterial and you can work together to make it work! Just always be open and honest. Let him know when you are unhappy or annoyed and work through it.

Xxx

I don't think I would make a particularly good mother which is another worry. What if it gets serious and I end up being a bad influence on them or mess them up in some way

I don't think this is an issue - I have no kids of my own and we have DH's two EOW. I am not their mother and have no need to play a parental role to them. Of course I act as any responsible adult should, but don't kid myself that I have the ability to influence them or mess them up...

I would date someone with kids again if DH and I split up - because of my age it's not likely there would be many "fish in the sea" without any.. but they would have to be grown up and living their own lives. And I would want to meet them with him ASAP to get an indicator of whether the prospective partner had bellend Disney tendencies.. more as a pointer to his character than any concern for my future life with kids.

One chilling thought I have had is.. I got into this knowing DH had kids.. EOW - it's fine. But what if something happened to their mum? You should probably consider that the current arrangement might not always be in place, and think about whether you could deal with closer / more frequent contact if the situation ever arose.

Anyway. My friend told me not to do it - I ignored her. I subsequently told another friend not to do it - she ignored me! We've all been lucky and are all bumping along pretty happily in 3 different arrangements, despite all the advice.

Whatever you choose to do then I hope it works out for you!

I would say don't do it.

They will ALWAYS come first. If they misbehave around you, you won't be able to tell them off, if they are rude to you, he will make excuses for them. He will no doubt pay maintenance, which may grind, the kids may interfere with your plans if unexpectedly needed.

You say you don't want kids, but that may change. He is older and may not want more.

I wouldn't do it myself x

What happened to the relationship that brought the dcs about?

There are many resentful stepmothers on here who got together with men who can't be bothered to take parenting seriously. Reading between the lines, the exw decided to move on partly because she didn't have a real, hands on partner wrt to parenting. Now the father has a new woman on board, he thinks he has someone else to fob everything off onto, including childcare on "his" days.

If this is what you are getting into, run away. Don't make the mistake of thinking it is the exw's fault either.

You need to find out whether you are expected to co-parent as a step-mother; if you want to do this you have to be sure that you will only be expected to do this with full support of the dc's father. Don't allow these things to go undiscussed and then find you have been shunted in place as a childcare solution with limited authority and great responsibility.

I think depending on the relationship you have with DP you and he can discuss what boundaries are allowed. Eg I am allowed to tell of his kids but I don't do it if he is there. If I am left looking after them they get treated like my niece and nephew and disciplined the same way. I also always make sure I have a reason for my behaviour around them incase their mum isn't happy. But DP has made it clear to her the situation and she doesn't like the idea of me discipline her kids ( neither do I) but no child is perfect. If teachers can tell them off so can I.

He pays maintenance - is expect him too or have valid reason for not paying. He had these kids before I came along in not their to interfere with that relationship or side of things.

I didn't want kids in the beginning but this life I have chosen has changed my mind

Don't get caught up on them coming first. Although if that is going to bother you then maybe it's not a good idea to pursue the relationship.

There will be plenty of time for you to be spoiled and treated like a queen.

Immunisation with DP is probably the main factor and most important tool you can use to keep the relationship good!

Xx

I mean communication not immunisation (on a bus traveling home after a long day in the office and bus I full of 1 directions fans heading to their concert- think I will know all the songs by time im home!)

His relationship with his ex ended mostly because they got together quite young and he grew out of the party lifestyle and she didn't and they both know how to wind each other up although he bites his tongue now and she picks at him. He doesn't speak badly of her in front of the kids at all though.

Her behaviour hasn't been bad with me so far. He is late if he drops the kids at hers and she knows he is coming to meet me as there is always something that needs doing. Plus phone calls and texts on evenings when she knows I am there. This hasn't happened much since I met her though.

I don't really know how to act around her. She is negative in front of the kids about their dad which makes me uncomfortable but she has been pretty polite and actually quite friendly to me which was a surprise.

There are things that I hadn't even thought about like how he acted differently towards me when his ex and the kids were there which makes perfect sense but I hadn't expected it. He does put me first when we are on our own.

It is still early days so the idea of him ending up with them full time due to something happening to his ex hadn't occurred to me and neither had whether I would be expected to co parent. To my mind they have 2 parents and don't need another.

There was a thread on here the other day from a lady that was resenting losing her time at the weekends. She was used to doing her own thing, and while she loved her step children, she no longer had any time to herself.

Just something to consider x

We don't live together and I don't see him every weekend at the moment. He sees the kids a lot but he picks them up from school and has them for a couple of hours before taking them back to their mum. I don't know how often I would be there at the same time as them - I have only just met them really. I would think that they would want their time alone with their dad.

“he is the nicest man I have ever dated”
This isn’t enough, if you are talking “life partner”.
There are lots of nice men.

I can’t tell if you think he is “the one” or if we are all projecting this on you – you are very young – when I was 28, I was interested in friendship, sex, and having a nice time. I dated perfectly nice men who were unsuitable life partners in the full knowledge that we weren’t heading towards marriage. If that is what you are doing here, then that could be fine for a few years. You don’t need to be a step mother, you don’t need anything to do with his exw, you will need to have independence and a busy sustaining life and good friends who are there for your when he doesn’t have time for you. But that can work very well, you will still have time to have dinner, go out, etc.

If you think he is “the one” – why?
Do you usually like older men?
Are you attracted to a sense of seniority, solidity?
Do you like the fact that he has children as you know he won’t be pressuring you to have them in the next 2 years?
Do you like feeling junior, protected?

All of these things might pall as you get older. Having someone else in the driving seat can be very appealing at times but you can’t go through life like that. You may, excuse me, change as you grow up; want children; want to move to another country; want to call more of the shots; gain a great career and a lot of confidence and feel constrained by a life ruled by the practicalities of his existing commitments.
I find it interesting that you say you don’t want children and are attracted to an older man with children. Do you want to play partly at still being a child? (I did when I was 28; I dated an older man whose friends almost treated me like a child; oddly I found it soothing in a way, I felt exempt from responsibility). If this is the case (of course I may be way off) it won’t last for ever. I was like that because my confidence was low and I was putting off facing certain things. It was fine, I didn’t need to face them right then. But I am glad I faced them in the end.

Another run for the hills here I'm afraid! As referenced by a few posts, you will never have full control of your life and the situation can change radically as the years pass. When I met DH his 11 yo DS was EOW which worked well, but 5 years on I now have a grunty, filthy teenager with no domestic courtesy whatsoever living in my home full time. His mother has kicked him out (with good reason) and he is now my problem. DH is over the moon and will hear not a word against him in case DSS suddenly wants to go back to his mother's (I doubt she'd have him!) so our marriage is under huge strain and our DD may end up with divorced parents as a result. Don't do it!!!

allhailqueenmab

It is early days yet but I think there is the potential there for this to be very much a long term hopefully forever relationship. I don't want to rush into anything and we haven't had any discussions about timings or anything but he has mentioned that as he owns his own home and I live with my mum it would make sense for me to move in with him when the time comes.

I really don't have a type when it comes to men. I am not particularly young in my ways and we just get on really well. Similar sense of humour and likes / dislikes. I like that he isn't just looking for something casual or a bit of fun and that he isn't messing around. I was a bit stupid before I went on the first date with him as I knew he had children but I really didn't think about it. I have never wanted children of my own. I don't think I would be any good at it and really I have never imagined myself with a baby and the idea of never having children of my own isn't one that bothers me.

I don't feel that he treats me like a child. In some areas I am probably more mature than him and in others he is more mature. I didn't deliberately go looking for someone with children but it just happened that I met an amazing man who had children. I don't feel like he is in the driving seat. We haven't had any big issues so far (and it is still early days for that I think) but things like where to go and what to eat are discussed first. It is interesting what you say about responsibility - I have had a lot of responsibility from a young age and it isn't something that I try to avoid. I can be silly at times but I am not generally impulsive.

long post! Feel like I am psycho-analysing myself!

When I met my now husband he had a four year old with his ex girlfriend, he never warned me how much trouble she was. Had I known I would've reconsidered immediately. As it was I started to get doubts about a year in, but my friends, work colleagues, made me feel like I ought to stay with him, as they weren't particularly good parents and I was trying to help and if I left all the effort I put in would be undone. And being 22 and naive I did and married him and had a child. I love him very much and I love our child and we are trying for no2. But I only love my life when his son isn't round unfortunately. Honestly I had no idea how hard it would be at all, how many troubles we'd get from the ex and her family. I worry about what I have brought my daughter into sometimes there are such big dramas. I wish I had been so much more careful and taken more time to decide if it was right and not get to feel attached to his son so soon. I'd have been able to see the difficulties and not stayed.

If the ex is difficult and demanding, and you get serious about this guy, your relationship with him will be a lot of hard work. It will be much, much harder work than a serious relationship with a childless man (assuming it is non-abusive).

Ex-partners who are the resident parent, even in 50/50 residency setups IME, will call a lot of shots in your life. I've had it easier than a lot of step-parents on this board, I think in part because my DSD lives with us for a full week every other week, and we have been able to establish boundaries and a good relationship through that schedule. But even then, the decisions DSD's mother made years ago - decisions about where to live and where to register DSD for school - limit what DH and I can do with our own adult lives. We cannot move city to take a better job. We cannot move across town to access a better school district for our own DD. Unless we want to reduce DH's access to DSD. It's not usually something I dwell on, but you'd be surprised how bitter you can feel when what you want for your life becomes limited by someone you have nothing to do with.

And another case study/warning: a friend of mine, who was living with a man with two children, was recently dumped. This woman knocked herself out to build a relationship with his two kids, establish boundaries that everyone could accept, and acted as a stand-in mother for two kids who really badly needed some parenting. When they were together, they were a family. But her DP's ex interfered a lot, and demanded my friend and her DP do things her way, a lot. And her DP was reluctant to stand up to his ex, lest he lose access to the kids. So, they fought about his ex, a lot. My friend was dumped in her mid-30s after five years of a serious relationship with this guy, because he felt it was easier to start over with casual dating than to rock the boat with his ex.

Just to add tread very carefully and if it hasn't already been suggested, read some of the other threads on this topic (step-parenting) to get an idea of the things that get discussed and come up, eg one person is discussing attending a dsc school assembly and possible outcomes and another on the aibu or wwyd thread is discussing her dp expectation that she pay half towards her dsc tuition fees!...all things in the beginning you would never think off, but during the course of the relationship might come up...anyway I wish you all the best...

A tricky ex is always going to be a problem. I was speaking to DP about his kids last night and he made a fair point that his kids don't really tell him anything bu for somereason (and only sometimes) I can get more info out of them and find out more abut their day etc. As DP put it - i get the good stuff and don't ever have to be the bad guy- although sometimes im the bad cop.

Every situation and relationship is different - it takes all sorts to make a relationship.

It sounds like you have convinced youself that you want to be with him. I say go for it. (I doubt very much you will be bad at the parenting stuff given you have come on here is agood start!) I have found this forum so useful this past week and it's a great place to vent especially when DP doesn't understand your frustrations.

Like I said before - communication is abig thing and the relationhip wont work without it. Just always be honest. DP might not always like what you have to say but any feelings good or bad are always valid!!

I am reading the other topics on this bored - scary and interesting all at once!

I think I need to see how it is when we are around the children. He has suggested that we spend Saturday all together. Maybe going to the park and out somewhere for lunch and then time at his house. I want to know if I can cope being around them (as I am not used to children) and I want to see how he parents them. As much as I am falling for him I just don't want to be stupid and get really involved and then realise that I am really bad with kids or that they hate me and resent me being around with their dad.

If he didn't have kids I don't think I would be stressing so much but it just seems much more serious now that I have met them and realised that they have known about me for a while. I am not sure how to "be" around his ex either.

It's hard but see them as potential friends and you will be fine. My step children are great although not faultless of course and occasiaonally me and my husband will disagree which is when things get hard as he will instantly go into protection mode of them (which is normal). You have to find a balance.

I wouldn't change it for the world but the path is by no means easy. But easy is boring anyway!