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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with children - any tips or warnings?

146 replies

gigglygirlygirl · 27/05/2014 18:12

I have been dating a man who has children for a little while now and it isn't something I have done before.

His ex is ...... difficult and quite demanding even though they are divorced.

Do you have any tips or advice? I really don't know anything about children and want to know a bit more about what I might be getting myself into with him.

OP posts:
BuzzLightbulb · 28/05/2014 11:23

IF...

you can agree up front how the two of you are going to be around the children and how you're going to parent.

AND

you understand that you will make decisions from the head, and he will from the heart

AND

you can keep your disagreements from public display, avoid any your/my children positions, discuss them and resolve them without just settling for a messy compromise

THEN

yes, you maybe have a chance.

brdgrl · 28/05/2014 11:43

No matter how lovely or how horrible the children are, what really matters is how he treats them and you. Does he have good boundaries and set limits on his children, or does he treat them like they are guests in his (or your!) home? Does he treat them in ways appropriate to their ages and have reasonable expectations? Is he stuck in parenting them in ways that no longer fit with their development? Does he think about his children's best interests in the long term? Does he take responsibility for them, financially, emotionally, practically?

Don't settle for less in this relationship, because he has children, than you would in any other. You should know what you expect from a partner, and if your DP cannot deliver it, then don't stay. Do not settle.

Begin as you mean to go on.

Expect that other people (yes, even children and exes) respect your boundaries and treat you with respect. Don't keep quiet and think you will address it later.

House rules.

And take your time. Don't leave yourself dependent on him. And if you aren't sure what you might want in the future - you're younger than him, about the same difference between me and DH - then make sure he knows that and make sure that whatever you ultimately want for yourself, it won't be ruled out by being in this relationship.

Seashell78 · 28/05/2014 16:36

Sorry but I wouldn't do it again.
Been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 1 1/2 years. He has a one yr old from a fling that happened just before we met. I have no children.
Everything to do with the baby and the ex is a nightmare. We have both been very depressed about this and are on the brink of separating. We have only recently moved in together, yet we can no longer see our future working out.
Don't underestimate the pain and resentment that may evolve, the financial commitment, particularly if you may want your own family.

TheMumsRush · 28/05/2014 17:23

Just out of curiosity, did anyone else ask the same question as OP before they got involved? Would you have listened? I know I wouldn't have. I

swissfamily · 28/05/2014 17:35

Date him. Don't fall in love with him. Definitely don't marry him.

BitterOldOtter · 28/05/2014 17:51

Could some of the people who are saying 'run for the hills' or they wouldn't have done if 'they knew then what they know now' elaborate a bit more on what the actual problems are/were please?

I am also in a new-ish relationship with a man who has children (5 and 9) and am watching this thread with interest!

ShadowStars · 28/05/2014 18:04

Been with DH 9 years. DSS 18 & 20. Our DD 2.6. 50/50 access. Function OK as a step family. No way in hell would I do it again. It is isolating. People with no experience will judge you on the slightest negative remark. Normal family dross is amplified if you let it and it can pull you under.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/05/2014 18:10

I just wouldn't. You're 28. If you get serious about this man, you will be stuck until his children are adults. If you want to move somewhere else for work, family, for the hell of it, you won't be able to. Everything you do or plan will have to take into account his DC. Do you want children? Does he want anymore children?

Already his xW sounds difficult. She will be in your life forever due to the DC.

ShadowStars · 28/05/2014 18:19

Even though I have had no major issues thid really rings true for me:-

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

  • Make sure you discuss whether you want children.
  • Make sure you are an equal adult
  • Do not get in too deep before you understand his values, his house rules and discipline. If they clash with your way of living it will be a bumpy ride. You will be the one compromisimg.
TalisaMaegyr · 28/05/2014 18:29

Bitter - it is just far harder than you could ever imagine. I have dc of my own too, and for everyone involved in making a blended family work, everything is difficult.

It is MUCH harder than parenting your own dc. Because you are not in charge, for one thing, and you don't feel in control in your own home. I would even say you feel like an outsider.

If the exw had her way, she would control every minute of our lives, she still tries, 3 years down the line.

It's just hard.

Eliza22 · 28/05/2014 22:45

Ok. I took 4 years to marry my DH. We were both long divorced. He's a good step dad to my ds. He has 3 kids (20, 24 and 25). I've been in his life 9 years. I wasn't the OW. His wife had the affair which ended their marriage.

His youngest daughter despises me. She refuses to see her dad. I get along ok with the other 2 but his youngest has caused SO MANY ROWS that I am contemplating leaving. She causes mayhem every time there's tentative contact, wants to know I won't be there if she visits (I therefore haven't seen her for 3 years).My own ds had a panic attack (full on hyperventilating) this evening as he wanted us to PROMISE to stay together. Ds has known DH since he was 4. He is now 13. I hate my step-daughter. I didn't always....I treated them all the same and as I say, get on well with the other two but by God, he'll will fucking freeze over before I speak to her again.

Eliza22 · 28/05/2014 22:47

HELL WILL FUCKING FREEZE OVER.

whilewildeisonmine · 28/05/2014 22:57

Another one saying don't even go there! Just no.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2014 23:05

I adore my dh. We have a wonderful life together and I love my sd.

But, if I was in the position again I wouldn't go on a single date with a man with kids, wouldn't let myself have the chance to love him.

Dh is worth all the shit because I love him that's why I wouldn't let myself fall in love with another one!

TheMumsRush · 28/05/2014 23:45

What are your thoughts now giggly?

doziedoozie · 29/05/2014 06:30

It's such a shame that these views aren't out in the open more.

So that the unreasonable behavior of DSCs or exs wasn't discussed more, and condemned.

The attitude that the poor abandoned D resident parent has it so hard is difficult to budge. And that the poor DCs of divorced parents are entitled to behave as they want.

The lack of understanding means the problem is replicated again and again. V sad.

Anormalfamily · 29/05/2014 07:58

Another one to say I wouldn't do it again.
I think that women in general have this idea they can "fix " things, including people, and so despite fluttering red flags and direct advice, they know they'll do better, they'll prove their mettle.
Granted, I have made sure our household is now run along fairer lines, but I could not have done it alone. We've been in couple counseling for 1 1/2 years! It was always clear that dh needed to get his act together. He is an intelligent professional and yet he was willing to see yet another relationship go down the toilet "for the sake if the children". I have a ds myself, but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than let him grow into an arrogant, self absorbed, entitled adult who feels the world must grovel at his feet. Oh, dear, seems I'm still harboring some resentment....

wannaBe · 29/05/2014 09:25

I wonder though how many men also have the view that they wouldn't do it again?

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2014 09:29

I wonder though how many men also have the view that they wouldn't do it again?

In my experience it's a helluva lot easier for men! I don't know why, it just seems to be.

Perhaps because the mother is still predominantly the RP (at least from what I know) and there's more opportunity to build relationships?

Perhaps because in most cases the stepdad isn't in a relationship with someone who is constantly trying to over compensate for absences?

I think it's easier for the RP and a new dp to form a family bond than it is for the EOW couple!

*I'm not saying it doesn't have its own problems just that there's more time together, though I fully acknowledge that isn't always a good thing!

shey02 · 29/05/2014 09:30

Adjust your expectations now or you may be in for heartbreak.

DP needs to limit contact with ex to issues ONLY relating to the dc - you are not all 'friends'. Keep your distance, she may have an agenda, you cannot trust her.

DP needs to parent these kids as if they were living with him full time. If he doesn't, it will change them for the worse and possibly wreck your relationship. Men do not take advice kindly, I'd get a bunch of books for you all to read.

As for the dsc, good luck. It may have started off okay, but don't expect them to love you, they may even hate you one day despite you making monumental efforts for them. This will depend on two things - what their mother says about you behind your back and how your dp parents them. You will need alot of support from your dp to make up for the bad times with the kids, I really hope he gives that to you. Again, books like Step-parents Parachute/Step Monster are really helpful, wish I had read them at the beginning and got my dp to read them too.

Hugs, sorry, slightly cynical response. You never know, you might be one of the success stories we read about here. I hope you are. x

shey02 · 29/05/2014 09:42

Walter, every point you make is spot on.

This is part of why I suffer, because my dp has it this easy... My dc love and respect him as a father, he loves them. When we are together we are as a family and probably look like one to outsiders. This has been from the very beginning, he never had to earn it, never had to fight for it, they just accepted him and he them and it was perfect. However...

In his blinkered outlook, he cannot fathom what I go through as his EOW partner, cannot fathom his own failings (out of guilt, over-compensating, etc.). All the things that do his kids and their relationship an injustice, he cannot see the knock-on effect it has on us all. Cannot see how his behaviour leads to the complete opposite to what we have with my dc. I will never have with his kids, what he has with mine. I used to be bitter and challenge every injustice, argue every little hurt. It was making me crazy, wrecking our relationship, because to him, his children are perfect, they can do no wrong. If they are rude or tell him he's a bad father, it is their mother's fault, 'they're under so much pressure!'. Yes, of course, it's not their fault...

I am learning to accept that now with stepping back and detaching. They ain't my kids, they don't want a relationship with me. It's fine. My primary responsiblity is to my dp/our relationship and my dc.

OP - get the books and make your dp read them too! x

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2014 09:43

DP needs to limit contact with ex to issues ONLY relating to the dc - you are not all 'friends'. Keep your distance, she may have an agenda, you cannot trust her

I'm not sure about this tbh.

I wouldn't say we're all friends now but we definitely get on a lot better than we did at the start. But it took a LOT of work. Work that I don't think I would be arsed to do over again!

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2014 09:45

All the things that do his kids and their relationship an injustice, he cannot see the knock-on effect it has on us all. Cannot see how his behaviour leads to the complete opposite to what we have with my dc

Oh this x a million!

Happybeard · 29/05/2014 10:32

Walter - excuse the massively sweeping statement but it is most often the woman who can't move on and thus causes the children a lot of issues when trying to form a normal healthy bond with their step mother. I have actually read this is several studies in to the affects of divorce and separation on children. It does of course happen that dad can't let go and is the cause of great stress for the new husband/ step dad but this is less likely hence why step mothers have a harder time in general than step fathers.

The fact that most children are RP with mum and step dad does make thugs easier in that home to IMO

rosepetalsoup · 29/05/2014 15:19

Hi OP -
What others have said.
You can date him without becoming a stepmother. As long as you always put your cards on the table you could easily remain someone he sees/dates and not really have anything to do with ex, and get to know the kids slowly while keeping a distance. Remember he is obliged to care about story with ExW and of course how his children are, but you are not.
Harsh- sorry. My real thoughts are that you are 28 and you should try someone else, someone your age. If you marry a 29 year old he will be a successful old man with kids before you know it!