Dating a man with children - any tips or warnings?

[gigglygirlygirl]

I have been dating a man who has children for a little while now and it isn't something I have done before.

His ex is ...... difficult and quite demanding even though they are divorced.

Do you have any tips or advice? I really don't know anything about children and want to know a bit more about what I might be getting myself into with him.

I am reading all the comments - people really don't seem to talk about this in real life.

I understand that his kids come first and that he will always have that contact with his ex. Being top priority at all times isn't an essential to me. I am pretty busy socially anyway so sometimes between that and work we only see each other at weekends. I wouldn't want to intrude on the children having time alone with him though.

I think if I had children of my own or really wanted them it would be totally different. I do wonder if I can relate to children though.

From what I have seen he interacts well with the children. They don't always listen to him first time but that might just be how children are at times. He takes his responsibilities to them very seriously and they are his priority.

I don't expect the children to like me and I get that they have been through a lot and that there are issues with their mother and some of the things she says and does.

He really is a great bloke but from what I gather his ex has caused issues in previous relationships.

OP, you sound like you are a level headed person. Don't listen to everybody on here who says don't do it. I never had a problem with step kids from 2004-2012. Now is another story (another thread from me shortly!) as they live with us full time and are 16.5 and 18.5, so not easy ages. If you really want to be with your partner, then try it out, just take the kids at face value, and ignore the Ex. If DP is mature enough then he will guide you through everything. My husband was 37 when I met him, now I think he is more immature 10 years later but that is due to the role we both share, or not as the case may be! Having the kids part time was not too much of a problem for me, but now it is a nightmare having them FT, and I blame my husband for wrapping them in cotton wool right now, and at the ages they are!!!! I live for the moment when they leave home!

Don't listen to everybody on here who says don't do it

That's quite rude!

Just because other people have different experiences to you doesn't mean you should be so dismissive of them.

I think you should be very wary not least because you are much younger than him and at very different stages of your lives.

It's not rude at all, I was talking to OP. I am not dismissive, quite the contrary. But this woman is 28 and I guess would like to hear more positive comments, and perhaps to make her own mind up? My experience, for the record, was ok, apart from his divorce, and then having 2 teens coming to live with us. On the verge of splitting up for that reason, but I dont regret meeting a man with kids. It just could have turned out differently now, and it's having a bad effect on me. My scenario doesn't and won't happen to everyone, so take as you find, I say.

I get that thing Natasha talks about her DS getting the dregs of what's left after dsd and mother have sucked the life out of everything else

Also not to be patronising but at 28 you may still drastically change your mind about wanting children.

tappergirl I am trying to be level headed but really I am a romantic and tend to be led by my heart. But as this isn't just something that effects me I want to think clearly and sensibly about it.

Natasha I think it would be totally different if I had a child of my own that would be brought into this situation.

rosepetalsoup That is true and there is always that little possibility that I might change my mind. I would say it is highly unlikely though. I do like children on the odd occasions that I am around them. I don't think I would make a particularly good mother which is another worry. What if it gets serious and I end up being a bad influence on them or mess them up in some way. They have been through a lot and they are still so young.

Typed a message and lost it. Agree with you, giggly I am a romantic too, just had my dreams shattered who I believed in more than anything. But then our situation is something you may not ever encounter. As I sit here now, bloody step daughter is taking over the kitchen with her own little needs of a bottle of water and hot chocolate, whereas I escaped the household, came home to feed myself as starving, now can't get in the bloody kitchen, and all my husband did as he walked upstairs was gloat. I feel so much like an outsider, that I want to move out and seek a new life.

Giggly, you may not notice an imbalance now, but you will possibly notice the difference in parenting if you have your own child. Because, if my kids were ungrateful, rude, didn't greet me as I walked in the door, didn't compliment me (or each other) or thank me for anything, constantly goaded each other in my prescence and spoke with these phrases 'I want', 'get me', 'I don't want/like', 'do this' 'put this...' it would either be WW3 or I would call them out on it, there would be an apology and it would not happen again. It's natural in a parent-child relationship that we guide and discipline and influence in positive ways.

However in a non-resident parent relationship, boy, anything goes... It takes a strong man to parent a child in that situation, my dp much as I love him is not able to do it. It causes all manner of problems with us and behaviours that just would not be accepted with my dc are with his. Imbalance, unfair. Chaos at EOW's.

What Happy says about the dregs is true. In my situation it has turned out to be more the emotional burden. My dp admitted recently that he is so worn down about the kids, so depressed about them and the constant hell he gets from the mother, that he does not have any time for my 'issues' and that I am to 'give him a break'. So it does not matter how his dc treat me, I am to just accept it. How's that for romantic?

OP it's not all doom and gloom, but the key here is your dp's behaviour, not so much the kids. He must be a parent and your partner at the same time. Not slave to the kids, not you on the bottom rung of the ladder. You two, side by side.

P.S. I'm sure you would be a great mum one day, with your own kids, it's pretty easy. x

Another 'Run for the hills!!' here...

My dss is now 24. I have been his ft 'mum' since he was 3. He is independent now but staying with us for the next month or so. I see his resentment still - that I came between him and his father . He still competes for his father's attention, and tries to exclude me and his half-sister. It's a very complicated set of family dynamics that I don't completely understand and I usually accept and get on with things, but having him here has brought it all back.

I did my best to be a mother to him (no kids of my own when I met his father) but I often wonder if father and son would have been better off on their own and I should have left them to it...

P.S. I'm sure you would be a great mum one day, with your own kids, it's pretty easy.

Yes - whatever you do, don't let the experience with the DSC put you off having your own.

Oh Lord no, don't be put off. It's a whole other thing, having your own children. No comparison! . The problem is divorce and then trying to blend step families. Why does the lion kill the offspring of a lioness he's wanting to mate with? We are programmed I think, to have the natural bond with our own child (that can, in humans extend to other's offspring, obviously) so that we will move heaven & earth to get them safely to adulthood.

I am kind of wondering how this thread speaks for women with children trying to enter into new relationships.Should men be equally as reticent at getting involved?

As far as I am concerned, relationship breakdown happens for a gozillion reasons, none the same.

There is no 'one size fits all' and I think, with all due respect, perhaps more people comment on threads like these who have had a 'bad' experience than have had a good one -and I am careful in doing my level best not to minimize what a miserable situation it can become for some.

My 20 yr+ experience of being a step mum has been a priviledge.

All I can say is that I found that treading softly, and not becoming over analytical of my role were useful.Also, I found it good to think about just how hard this must all be for the ex wife.

Final word -what I knew about children could be written on a postcard.Being a stepmum before I had children taught me some useful stuff about myself and my view of the world.

I don't think anything can prepare you for being a step parent. The only advice I can really give is expect the unexpected because no matter how much you're ready for it - it's completely different to what you'd already set yourself up for.

But many, many second marriages end in divorce and often it is stepchild related. If mumsnet gives a small window on this experience, there are more problem combined families than (truly) happy ones.

Thatbloodywoman, I wouldn't change a word of my post if directing it towards a man thinking of getting involved with a woman with children.

Like Eliza refers to above, the statistics show that second marriages with children are more likely to end in divorce, and the reasons most often cited by the parties are disagreement over finances and disagreement over children.

I haven't advised anyone not to get involved with someone with children: I am happy to have found my DH, to have a family with him and my DSC, and my DD, and I wouldn't go back and make a different choice. But I would do things differently from the start, and I wish I'd known then what I know now.

But I would do things differently from the start, and I wish I'd known then what I know now.

I 100% agree with this. I'm not saying I wouldn't have gotten involved with DH but I wish I was better prepared and knew what I know now. Being a step parent is bloody hard and it can take a whole lot out of you emotionally and mentally.

I wouldn't say don't do it, but I would say to anyone to take things slowly, and to make sure you and your partner communicate effectively. You need to talk about everything, no matter how small it might seem. My partner and I are due to have our first child together soon, so that will change things as I've no plans to parent in exactly the same way he does now. I've told him I'll want to do things differently but not sure if he really understands!

A lot of 'doing things differently' coming up? Can yo be more specific?

A lot of 'doing things differently' coming up? Can yo be more specific?

Well, the main thing is that I'd have been a lot more assertive. I wanted the kids to like me, I wanted my in-laws to like me, I wanted my DH's friends to like me, I wanted my DH's first wife's friends to like me, I wanted the parents of the DSC's friends to like me...basically, I wanted to please everyone else, and I liked feeling needed by my DH and the kids. And so I let the kids walk all over me (I'd see certain friends of DH deal with their bullshit so well, and think "why can't I say that?"...), I let other adult people's inappropriate comments or interference upset me, I let DH get away with shit that I'd never have tolerated from any other partner...I basically let my need to be super-stepmum get in the way of looking after myself, my own time, my own feelings, my own things. By the time I'd had enough, restoring some boundaries and balance was harder than it already would have been.

And I'd have talked more about money. What was going on in the present, and what would happen in the future.

I'd have told my stepkids how I felt more often, the good and the bad. It was tricky arriving in their lives just as they became teenagers.

I'd have waited longer to move in together. We didn't do it especially quickly, in fact I stayed living on my own with our DD until she was six months old, but if I had it all to do over again, I think I'd have given it even longer. DH was making lots of changes to how they did things (expecting more from the kids, putting house rules in place, that sort of thing, without which I had made it clear I would not move in with them) and it was starting to catch, but if we'd waited a bit longer, those things might have been less of a conflict. Maybe. Maybe not.

If the ex has form for being tricky, this should be a big red flag.

Everyone's got the best intentions now, while no one's too committed. But I cannot find the words to describe how soul destroying it is to have some other woman, who has an unbreakable hold over your DP, be able to control your life and your household from a distance.

That part is hands down the thing that depresses me most about being a step mother.

Going away for a dirty weekend with your DP? No you're not. His ex has work/is ill/has decided she 'needs a break' so your DP's agreed to have the kids because he feels too guilty if he says no.

Want to move house out of the area? Fancy doing a sabbatical abroad with work? Well, you can't.

Fancy a nice holiday? It'll be difficult for you to go for longer than a week because the ex will kick off that your DP's missing contact. The alternative being that you pay to take the kids with you instead (because if you do this and she misses contact, somehow that's okay). But DP can't afford to do that on his own. So you pay for half. And then you get there and the kids whine about the weather, the food, the activities you want to do...

All these things are examples of how it can get really hard and resentment can build up.