Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

Another one of those times that you smile, nod and ignore. People are too polite! they always feel they have to explain and/or justify and really they don't.

I think it depends how old she is. If she is over about-say 12/13- and if her school is perceived as significantly better than her step siblings', or has more "stuff" maybe it's time for a bit of tact? In the same way you would expect her to be tactful if she had much more pocket money or a pony or something.

If she's just chatting about school to adults, then they need to get over themselves.

"I just wasn't a bitch about it."

That's what you think .

that

The idea that a group of adults ( retired teachers no less) would in your words "take the piss" out of a teenager for talking about their school is frankly appalling .I simply cannot imagine a situation where this would be acceptable .

No. That is what I know. It is possible to give people constructive advice rather than bashing. Do try and keep it in mind.

brdgrl

"It is possible to give people constructive advice rather than bashing. Do try and keep it in mind."

Your posts make me laugh . Do you really believe that I would take advice on how to best communicate a point or make an argument from someone who calls other posters a "bitch"? Oh, the irony!

The idea that a group of adults ( retired teachers no less) would in your words "take the piss" out of a teenager for talking about their school is frankly appalling .I simply cannot imagine a situation where this would be acceptable .

Well presumably the DSD isn't the only under 18 at these gatherings of extended family, so maybe, if she is being a bit showy-offy and she is more priveleged educationally than the other teens in the family, the adults were just trying to diffuse the awkwardness via teasing albeit possibly through gritted teeth?

Well you aren't going to change your dsd- either her school or the way she talks about it.

So you either need to talk to your family or let it go.

For what it's worth my 13 yr old niece talks about her school all the time - her friends, subjects, teachers, trips etc especially when with adults she doesn't know that well.
you would think she is at amazingly outstanding school but in reality she goes to a not great state school.

Did I call someone a bitch?
No, I said I wasn't being a bitch.

That's fine, it's your and the op's pov. However, does one's political thinking trump the importance of making a genuine effort to be tolerant of and reach out to one's dsc? I think not.

You didn't seem to understand my first post, "fem"which said exactly the thing you were "correcting" me for not saying - because I said it nicely instead of insulting the OP and taking her to task over her feelings.
In other words, not being a bitch. It seems that my post was not acceptable to you because it didn't berate someone.

Call that whatever you like.

It was implied a passive aggressive dig as you very well know . Anyway, enough of this. Slightly digressing from the op.

Op, I hope you will find a way to be more accepting of your dsd as well as offering her another perspective on schools, people etc. but please don't gang up on her with the rest of your family and make her feel like she is a spoilt brat. You will just create resentment that way.

I would be interested to know the ages of both the OP and her DSD, because I can't quite work out who is sounding more childish in this. You would think that the DSD was saying she'd be voting BNP or something when she was old enough!

If a bunch of retired state school-educated (I assume?) educators don't have the social skills to deal with this in an adult manner then that doesn't say much about the education they value so highly, does it? The DSD is a teenager and as such is probably pretty gauche. But retirees? Come on, they should absolutely know better. And they are being ignorant beyond belief if they think that every single state school cuts the mustard (and of course exactly the same can be said for private schools), and that there isn't a single situation where a different kind of school might suit a certain child better.

My parents sent my older sister to private school because she was very bright but very very quiet and they were worried that she would disappear completely in a big school with big classes. Shoot them for thinking it through and making a decision as to what's best for their daughter. That's why it's silly to make such sweeping statements as 'I would never send my child private' - I don't suppose my mum had ever considered private but when faced with her own daughter's needs she changed her mind. Good for her.

This thread is making claims about my family that I did NOT say!

I've said there is just an awkwardness about it. People try and change the subject.

I said in OTHER situations they would normally take the piss. They are very polite.

so, either they are awkward or take the piss. I'm struggling to understand how either of those are polite, and they are certainly not appropriate responses for adults confronted with a teenager (again, how old is she? and you?) chatting about her school and her experiences.

You said you wanted people to talk some sense into you - I think that's been done by several people, but you don't seem to be listening, you're just defending your family, when in fact, their behaviour is rather indefensible.

I think you have to say to your family that you expect them to behave like civilised adults and be rather more open-minded about other people's choices.

(Also, if you disappear off the thread for a while you can't complain if the discussion carries on in your absence - people will make suppositions - come back and clear them up if they are inaccurate.)

All this can be solved by realising that old liberals can be very conservative indeed.

OP I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your post however I am still amazed that anyone would mock someone because of their education. I am 47 and privately educated as are my children ( one incidentally in an independent special school because the local state sector was unable to cope with his needs) Neither I not in fact any of my children would mock someone's educational background , I hope that they are open minded enough to see beyond that .

They do talk about their schools and they are very proud of them , but the eldest now at a university is a red blooded socialist with friends from all educational backgrounds who is open with me about the fact that although he benefitted from an independent education he does believe the sector is an anachronism.

The youngest loves his school but knows he is immensely privileged .

It does not sound as if your SD is braying just talking about her life , it almost seems that you want her to feel ashamed in some way and keep her schooling quiet like a dirty secret.It rather smacks of inverted snobbery and is not in the long run going to help either you in your relationship with either her or your dh.

Oh I've mocked people a bit behind their backs. I was at college with rather a lot of people who were privately educated, and I wouldn't attempt to generalise too much about a very diverse lot of individuals. Some of them became good friends.

But in the early days there was a young woman with what's known as conspicuous received pronunciation, whose father taught at a well-known public school.

She used to go round saying to people breathlessly, "Our hice at Elginhice was the only hice that kept the hice rules."

Quite a few of us thought this was rather funny. Never a particular mate of mine at the time, but pleasant enough in other ways.

I met her again recently, and liked her a lot more this time round. Wider life experience meant that she and I had acquired more in common.

'Blended' families are tough because there can be bigger differences than in other types of family. It takes time to make the relationships work. (Pretending the differences aren't there isn't always the answer.)

As usualsuspett said upthread, it must be difficult for them to be enthusiastic about something they do not approve of.

Shame they change the subject though. All of this is not going to go away for anyone involved.
Ideally they would indeed at least smile and nod.
But rellay they should be better behaved and better mannered, and engage with your dsd. Properly engage with her, even if they are wincing inside.

If the teenager concerned is being rude and arrogant and showy offy she should be stopped. If the grown ups are being dismissive and rude so should they.

I'm not British so bare with me if I am getting this wrong. I was wondering if the op and her family are perhaps 'inverted snobs'?

inverted snobbery

The attitude of seeming to despise anything associated with wealth or social status, while at the same time elevating those things associated with lack of wealth and social position.

oxforddictionaries

My dc go to state school in the UK. If I could afford it, I'd send them to private school. If life was perfect, all state schools would be brilliant and there would be no obvious advantage in private schooling. However, I accept grudgingly that this is not the case in Britain.

I hope their schooling will give them a great education anyway. If their cousins end up going to private school (likely) I'd be very pleased for them and certainly not encourage my family to take the piss out of them or judge them for being privileged.

If said cousing went around showing off about their school to my dc and making sweeping generalizations about state schools I would engage with them and offer a different perspective.

Hth.

I don't actually buy that the OP's family have right to approve or disapprove of the educational choices that her DP and his XW have made for their DD. Unless they actually came out and said 'we don't want our DD associating with ghastly proles so we'll send her to X school' then it's not for them to judge.

As others have said, people send their DC privately because they were failed by the state school in their area.

It's none of the OP's family's business why DSD is at that school but without knowing the ethos of the school, the mix of the school (and my private school, whilst not as mixed socially as some, was very diverse in terms of country of origin, and religions), what it offers that suits DSD - goodness, a whole swathe of things - they have no right to judge or disapprove.

Why not actually talk to her about her school - why she likes it, what she gets out of it. God, a teenager who enjoys school - that's got to be a good thing, surely!

RiverTam, it does not sound like any old private school which people may choose if the state system has let them down. One of the more exclusive schools the OP said. I imagine a sense of superiority is ingrained. I also imagine the family know fairly well what the ethos of the school is, if it is quite famous.