Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

I suppose I am a great believer in family.

but to the extent that you won't question or challenge if they come out with bullshit?

I love my family but I don't agree with everything they say or do, nor take their view on everything as the only one that counts. If I was in this kind of situation I'd be more pissed off with my own family's behaviour than anyone else's.

The other thing might be to get her involved in some activities that both involve mixing with children/young people from a range of schools and also use her skills/abilities for the wider good?

youth councils
volunteering
boards to feed back on health and other services
mentoring much younger children

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. It is natural for you to wish your family to think well of you and your partner - it is very hard for that to happen when you have a pseudo posh step child making it clear that she considers your families life work a poor show compared to the marvelous advantages of private education. It reflects on your partner, ergo your decisions. The issue here is your DP though - he needs to ensure his daughter is grounded enough to manage socially and he is failing in that if she is behaving in a manner that puts people off. Speak with him about it.

My DD had a friend in primary school who was to be sent to a very famous girls school at age 11. This was brayed about at volume by the poor girl constantly - not in a 'aren't I lucky' but in a 'its such a shame for you' way. her parents evidently were filling her head with this and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't take to her because of it. It was just so ill mannered and ill informed.

I'm in the same position OP, also from a teaching "dynasty", also brought up to believe private schooling is wrong. I don't know what the answer is, it wasn't really my decision to privately educate, DH has older children who go to private school and he passionately wanted all of his children to be treated equally. It was a massive thing for him so I gave in after much debate. I find it mortifying, especially as I'm a state school governor. Some of the other governors look at me like I have horns when I say where my DCs go to school.

I feel your pain.

Didn't realise it was your step child. Not anyones business apart from her parents. Ignore.

Surely, even if dsd doesn't mention her education at all to your family, they will still be aware that she attends a private school? They will presumably continue to disapprove whatever the poor girl says.

Sounds like it's time to stop looking for their approval and try to get on with your own lives as you and dh think fit (taking into account the terms of the divorce agreement).

Hello OP,

Trust me, having a DSD who likes school and is getting educated well and will have good prospects for uni and jobs when she's 18 is 100000000% better than having a DSD who hates school and may fail to graduate from school/university to a job.

All teenagers are annoying.

RiverTam. Yes I question etc.

But there were some earlier posts who have the attitide, of well basically ditch the family if that is how they feel. They dont much matter. And you will still be happy etc.

Family massively contribute to my personal overall happiness.
If something is wrong between us, we all do our best to sort it out.
Nothing is brushed under the carpet.
And if we do end up having to agree to disagree at the end of that, we do.
But a lot of effort is put it to try and make things as happy for everyone as possible.

If they come out with bs, which is rare, we would challenge it, but wouldnt harp on about it.

Ideally, the ops family, all of them, would do the same.

Perhaps she should tell her family, enough is enough now. I understand what you are saying, but you have now had your say, and it is time to stop. And to stop with the withering looks if there are any!

Do they treat her nice to her face, op?

Do they generally treat you nice?

I think the whole business with stepchildren and choices that are not your choices - but which impact on you - is a long term thing.

My partner's ex's choices were, mostly not unreasonable by commonly held standards. She chose to send her children to a church school. She chose that she - and my spouse - should spend a substantial sum of money on getting my stepchildren coached for the 11 plus. Her most dodgy choice was - I believe - to not seek help for some difficulties my stepson was having. And the high achieving schools she had chosen for my stepson were not focused on providing good support for children with difficulties. (So that may be one of the reasons why her well-educated son is not currently employed, and is probably not very employable.)

My own daughter didn't go to a religious school. I didn't get her coached for selective entrance exams. She is at a school where she is happy and is doing well. She's got friends who go to the local comprehensive, the local selective school and in various sixth form colleges. She gets on well with people from a variety of backgrounds.

I think the ideal is that a child should be brought up with plenty of input from both their parents, and attends a school where there is good pastoral care and where decent social values are instilled.

It's wonderful that she enjoys her school, and we had Ancient Greek and hockey at my state school, though that was in another century altogether.

And I say that as someone who is not mad on private education either.

I'm a teacher. I would privately educate my children if I could afford it - in fact, my eldest child was in private education prior to my divorce but it had to go, unfortunately. He was being educated at the only school we saw (and we saw a lot, both private and state) that didn't shove it's exam results down our throats but rather prattled on about seeing children as individuals with individual abilities, goals and aspirations. It was the only school I felt that my children would understand what priviledge really meant - nothing at all to do with being privately educated, but recognising just what a privildged position we have in the world - food, housing, clothing, health, water....None of that stops me believing in the state education system, education for all and all the rest of it. Nor does it stop me having generally left-wing tendencies politically. It was a choice that was made because we took education seriously and because that particular school seemed best to mirror how we wanted to bring up our children, the kind of people we wanted them to be. We were just lucky at that point that we had enough money coming in to be able to pay for it. Are you suggesting that people who are well off shouldn't be allowed to spend their money how they see fit?

And, to be frank, I'm not sure I would want my children educated by people who see a ton of privildge and judge us for it. It's not a nice quality. How do they treat children off well off families in their care?

So, your family are flat cap unionists. You do know half the Labour gov were privately educated and continue to send their children to private schools and hope no one notices.

Diane Abbott when asked about her decision to send her son to a fee paying school stated that West Indian mothers go to the wall for their children.

Well, that's ok then.....

I get what you are saying, OP.

I'd be embarrassed if she was saying state schools were rough and she thought she was a cut above too.

Hopefully she will learn in time to tone it down, or possibly she will end up on MN slagging off state schools

Wouldn't a family of teachers be really pleased that DSD enjoys her school so much? that she is enthusiastic about learning and sports?

I went to private school and some children at home tried to make my life hell because of that. Probably they were just repeating what their parents had said... I hope your family doesn't inadvertently make DSD feel bad - a family gathering of people who are inwardly seething because this child goes to a school her parents chose and loves it.

Be pleased that she's positive about her education and just accept that private schools do exist and may actually have some positive points about them - and I'm not talking about exam results or "who you know" - but the fact that DSD clearly loves her school and is proud of it. She's engaged and that's no small achievement with a young person.

I was a teacher, still work in state ed. My DD goes to an independent school.

I have known of several teachers, TAs and education staff who have children at independent schools. It is definitely not uncommon.

It is a decision made between two parents on the whole. Nothing to do with extended families or anyone else for that matter really.

"She does think that state schools are 'rough' and although won't say it in public, it comes across clearly. It's just what she's told at school really. "

IME most schools do not pull other schools down. It should not be coming from the school itself. It is certainly not n attitude my DD and her friends have, at all.

If your DSD is being rude about other people or saying things that may offend people in the family/friends circle this need to be tackled directly with her, and she needs ti understand that her attitude is an issue.

Likewise, op, I think you need to ensure that you do not let DSD see you pulling down her school or being so negative about independent schools either.

It works both ways.

"talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is. "

Hockey is taught in state schools.

Isn;t it nice for any child to be happy with their school?

It must be hard to be positive about something you are totally against.

Maybe your family could do the nod and smile thing.

OP - just imagine for a moment that your child is being judged negatively by a group of adults solely because of the school they attend? the school that was chosen for them by their parents (because that is the norm, although a few posters have made that decision for themselves).

And then imagine your child is in the same room as those adults, people who they are related to by marriage and sensing their hostility, which is about something the child has absolutely no control over. And, even worse, knowing/sensing their step-parent also strongly disapproves (even if it is not articulated) of the educational choices his/her parents made.

And try to think how vulnerable that child must feel. How defensive it must make them. I would have hoped that a family of teachers would have more consideration for a young person and might even seek to engage her in conversation about the things that interest her. You know - put her at her ease. Make her feel welcome. Instead, you and your family seem to define her solely by her school, which is incredibly prejudiced.

I feel very sorry for DSD. Your family gatherings sound like they would be an real ordeal for someone who is clearly regarded as an outsider by your family.

I wonder what her mothers opinions on state schools are?

Maybe she is getting the 'state schools are rough' attitude from her?

OP, why don't you try to actually properly listen to your dsd without judging her so negatively? This way you could engage with her and have proper conversations during which you can also tactfully explain that not all state schools are rough, what does she mean by 'rough' how does she know about it etc..

Don't want a trusting and dare I say loving relationship with your dsd? I find this really odd as she is the child of the man you married.

You are not saying terribly much in your responses so it all seems very skin deep to me. Who are your family that you are trying to impress? Dm, df, uncles, cousins, siblings, who? Why are you trying to impress them? Have they judged you negatively in the past?

Teenagers and everybody else say all sorts of silly stuff all the time. What did yet up to as a teenager? Were you always completely polished, composed, 'together'? This girl has lost her df to another family and you are judging her ever so harshly it really beggars belief.

I have to say I almost wish this was a wind up because surely no one can be this narrow minded and silly as you seem to be based on this thread. The examples you have given. (Hockey, Greek) are completely harmless and innocent imo. However the bigotry of your family and your stance to your dsd is very very regrettable. .

I really hope that you can find it in you to work this out and be more accepting of and loving towards this child.

OP, I usually don't comment unless I have read the thread, so I apologise for doing so now, but I have a feeling I know pretty well what kind of replies you'll have gotten.
I totally sympathise with your view on education. I too was raised in a family of educators with, and have myself, a strong belief in state education. And I would never consider sending my DD to a private school.
I also understand how it can be difficult when the DSC or their parents have made choices that I feel really at odds with, but know that I have no real say or power over. Of course there isn't anything you can or should do - tolerance for those differences has to be a bedrock of a blended family, in both directions - and hopefully you can keep your feelings about it to yourself (or mumsnet, if you can bear the flaming!) and just be supportive of your DSD as best you can. I bite my tongue, a lot, but I also find it is a good mental exercise, trying to find the right thing to say that is genuine and expresses your own values but is also kind.

I am coming rather late to this but I really can't understand the problem. I am a great supporter of state education, but I respect other choices. DSD obviously likes her school, is doing well and it suits her- that is all that matters. Don't enter into discussion with your family. Merely say that it wasn't your decision and it suits her - then change the subject.

"I totally sympathise with your view on education. I too was raised in a family of educators with, and have myself, a strong belief in state education. And I would never consider sending my DD to a private school."

That's fine, it's your and the op's pov. However, does one's political thinking trump the importance of making a genuine effort to be tolerant of and reach out to one's dsc? I think not.

The child is not doing anything wrong. She might possibly sound a bit pompous but she is 16yrs she is supposed to be a bit irritating to the adults in her life and this is innocent enough. The op on the other hand is the adult here with life experience and seems so unforgiving and judgmental about something this poor girl cannot do anything about.

Should her dsd not be allowed to talk about her school? What a bizarre and oppressive view

I really hope that the girl in this scenario has supportive parents who love her and stand behind her because op sounds neither very caring nor supportive if she is ashamed of her dsd.

Really horrible.

That's fine, it's your and the op's pov. However, does one's political thinking trump the importance of making a genuine effort to be tolerant of and reach out to one's dsc? I think not.

Which I think is what I went on to advise in my post.