What do you do when your parenting approach clashes with how DSCs are being brought up?

[NorthernLassie724]

I have a DD who is 1 and a DSS who is 8. DSS is with us every weekend. He is generally a nice lad, can be very kind and thoughtful but I am struggling with certain things and really don't know how to tackle it.

DD has a very strong personality and is already starting to imitate others, especially DSS, who she adores. This is great in a lot of ways but I am worried that DSS has been (and still is being) brought up in a totally different way to how I would like to do so for DD.

Basically I just feel that DSS is really immature for his age - certain examples being that he has to take a comfort cloth and 10 specific teddies to bed with him and everywhere we go. We literally have to take a holdall everywhere. He won't sleep unless all lights are left on, his door is wide open and there's music on. He won't sit on a chair to eat at the dinner table. He cries whenever he has a bath or shower, saying that he hates them and causes a huge fuss whenever he has his hair washed. Everywhere we go, he gets obsessed by modern technology such as mobile phones or games consoles and is extremely rude unless he's given permission to use them by whoever owns them. He makes huge amounts of mess and throws major tantrums when asked to clear anything up. He also goes home to his mum and basically says that we treat him like an unpaid babysitter/slave because we encourage him to play with his sister and sometimes ask him to help clear up a mess he's made.

I do feel that some of this behaviour is immaturity/comfort-seeking but I also think that some of this is bad behaviour. I've tried raising it with DH and he is supportive a lot of the time, we use the "in this house, we do xyz" and the consistent approach seems to work. We can also keep dd away from certain parts of his behaviour like bath and bedtimes.

It does worry me that his behaviour is getting worse and I think it will start to undermine my parenting approach/choices. Things like the issues around mealtimes can't be avoided and I don't want my dd to copy these behaviours. I realise that DSS must be confused as he's allowed to behave like that at home but not with us but it's really panicking me...it's like my worst parenting nightmare being played out in front of me and it feels like there's nothing I can do. Loads of friends have said that as there's such an age gap there won't be issues but I can't believe that at the moment...please help :(

I think there are two sets of behaviours going on here. The bedtime fears and need for comfort objects really, really aren't what I would classify as bad behaviour. I would urge the OP to be patient with those. I also don't think she needs to worry about her DD copying them, but I completely understand the worry about trying to parent with one set of rules and values whilst sharing a home with children who are accustomed to a different one.

The tantrums and the refusal to do as asked, though, are problem behaviours, "bad" behaviours, even. This is where OP and her DH could be focusing their discipline efforts. Let the teddies etc stay, at least for now. If they are going to get serious about changing response to his discipline problems, then it isn't really a good time to also be making changes to his bedtime routines or the things that give him a sense of stability, so I don't think it makes practical sense to focus on those, either. Even if those bedtime behaviours are about attention seeking rather than 'real' fears (probably they are a mix of the two?).

I am worried that people are replying as though both sets of behaviours require the same response, or lack of response, IYSWIM.

I feel your pain . I have all the same problems but my DSS is 21.