Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

I understand why people find it hard to believe that a mother may not put her children first and the idea that a mother having 50% residency may not be in the children's best interests.

No. I don't find that hard to believe at all. My DHs DCs are living solely with their mum who is violent towards them, disagrees with the professionals in the DCs lives, has applied to have DH 'struck off' as their father and who I don't think she should have 50% residency of a cat, let alone DCs.

What I find hard to believe is your certainty, in the face of significant opinion otherwise, that you are absolutely right in your approach.

I have lost nights be nights of sleep worrying about whether I am doing the right thing regarding DHs DCs. When their Mum has let rip by email or on the phone about something to do with the DCs, I have second guessed myself, agonised over what I could have done differently, worried that inadvertently I have made the situation worse.

You have no such self-doubt. You have canvassed opinions here as an academic exercise - you have not taken on board any suggestions and have refused to acknowledge any comments that have challenged your assertion of the facts.

I am hugely supportive of developing self-confidence, particularly in young women. I have participated in, and shared in the delivery of, many programmes aimed at developing self confidence and self esteem.
But, self reflection is a key part of that. Being able to look at your own behaviour and say "I got that totally wrong" is a key part of being self confident. Without self-reflection, there is no self confidence. Just arrogance.

Bravo frog.

Doubt you'll get a response to that though. Self doubt indeed!

If you have 50/50 and the CSa know this she won't be getting a nice chunk unless your dp earns a big chunk. I am curious as to where your ex partner figures in this? Do you have 50/50 with him and does he have a new partner?

I know it's not the done thing, but the OP has posted regularly (under this NN) about the problems she's having with her DCs dad - there is current court action underway, according to recent posts.
I think it's relevant as it supports, as I said in my first post, the OPs preference for the adversarial court process rather than a resolved solution.

Oh right. Then you think she might be a little more understanding

I have no problem believing that a mother could act in a way that isn't in favour of the children's needs. In fact, I find it harder to believe the general consensus that stepmums are manstealing, child snatching jezebels. But in this case I firmly in Mum's camp.

Do you know this woman well? You seem to know an awful lot about why she has made her decisions. I tend to agree that she could work more than two days a week. But do we know that she actually can? There were many years where my dp and I were both working full time and having his dd 50/50 but still paying CSA while mum worked two days a week and claimed benefits. I would come home exhausted and have to care for her daughter and my own knowing that she could have a night out followed by a lie in 3 or 4 times a week if she pleased. It was hard because I knew she was always being offered more hours.

So I get that, kind of.

But, I get the overwhelming feeling that this mother is reacting to having every inch of her parenting scrutinzed and written in to a court order. Most of us are under no such scrutiny and I reckon if we were, we'd all fall short. If she has said she will pay for a trip, why is Dad chasing her up and sending reminders? Sounds a bit twatty to me.

How much does your DP earn, OP, that his ex gets "a nice chunk" with 50/50 contact and four other kids under your roof? That's 20% of net income, minus 50%, minus whatever they take off for the other kids... can't be much, surely.

OP do you think that one of the issues is that you struggle to relinquish control within the complex family dynamic you have? I recall one of your other threads where you wanted to return to court to tweak the contact order you have with your ex very soon after it was made, because you were unhappy with aspects of it, and it appeared you wanted to micromanage his time with your DCs. You are doing the same with your DSC's mother. Sometimes, for your own sanity and for a peaceful environment for children you just have to let go and except that whilst other parents may not do things your way it doesn't make them wrong, just different to you and they have a right to share their values and lifestyle with the DC during their time.

And I would have a little think about your DP, who is encouraging you to go against the mother's wishes, and actively participate in these hostile acts. If he disagrees with her that is one thing, but why is he happy to put you in the firing line?

Should be accept not except!

I do think the mother is being unreasonable in not letting you have the children on this day. Howeever I think that you and your DP have fuelled the situation. It would also be ridiculous to go to court over this.

I am sure the mother is no saint, although to be fair who is? However your husband appears to be very controlling over a woman he respected enough at one time to repeatedly have children with. Perhaps this mother is completely useless and therefore it is necessary for your husband to micromanage her, but then why did he have children with her in the first place .

You also seem to be judging the mother for putting work before her children and yet by your own admission your husband works longer hours than she does.

If my husband left me and remarried someone else who saw fit to judge me because I went out to work while she was at home, being partially funded by the father of my children, I would hit the roof.

Why are we not married? Because we are not religious and don't feel the need to have a piece if paper that says we are married.

What is a step parent "legally"? Step parents don't have any legal status

Isn't that for the child to decide? (Whether they had lost a step mother/siblings). I don't think marriage is relevant here.

Get the piece of paper mum2be, you're out getting his kid's hair cut and running all over the show dropping in forms to his children's school while he builds his career.

Judging by the contempt with which he treats the mother of his other children is say it would be a prudent move.

My humble opinion.

My dp takes his step son (my ds) to the barbers on occasion, his dad is unable to do it. Oh and he dropped some forms in for me today too re ds. Every family set up is different.

quietly Are you in the UK? Because all the legal advice I have been given is that the only difference in law between a married and unmarried stepparent is within Section 7 of the Children's Act.

This states that unmarried step parents cannot apply for a contact order in relation to their stepDCs without the courts consent.

I have been assured, by several different legal advisors, that in no other legislation does the marital status of a stepparent have any bearing.

Could you explain further?

Russian. We are not getting married anytime soon. I'm not sure if we ever will to be honest. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do and he plays an important part in my children's lives too. My kids are at the same school, so popping into the office is no hassle, making packed lunches is no extra hassle for two more, my kids have hair that needs cutting too so a trip to the barbers with one extra is no hassle. He's not abusing me or taking advantage in anyway,

mumtobe As I'm sure you've already discovered, many CAFCASS Officers and Magistrates/Judges are quite judgemental about marital status - and there are good, sound legal reasons for second marriages, which protect the DCs should anything happen to their parent.

Much as I disagree with your approach to stepparenting, in your case, where the DCs mum is likely to be hostile to the DCs continued contact with you should your DP die, I think you'll find that your role in their life will be better protected if you are legally married.

As far as I am concerned the definition of a step-parent is somebody who is married to your mother or father. If people want to interpret that differently then that's up to them. So if I was the mother in this situation I would not recognise my ex's girlfriend or partner as a step-parent of my child.

vivienne Is it a legal or emotional status, in your opinion? What if your ex and his DP had married without you (or anyone) knowing? Is it enough that they are 'married' or does it have to be a public wedding in which the DCs are involved in order to give the stepparent legitimacy in your eyes?

My friend looked after her partner's dd from aged 2- 13 then they separated. She did everything for her as the mother was not involved and her dp worked long hours. Was she less of a stepmother than someone who marries a man with children after a short period of time?
Surely step mother is subjective and depends on the situation rather than marital status.

Step-mother is by definition somebody who is married to your father. That is the only way I can interpret it. I know quite a number of people who have remarried and there is none of this taking over of children and fighting over who should get the child's haircut and go on school visits. The child still has their mother and father. And the person who is married to their mother or father. It becomes a problem because of the people involved. Such as in this case.

vivienne are you saying that in order for a DC to accept a stepparent as such, they have to have witnessed the wedding themselves? Or been told that their parent and stepparent are married? And that knowledge somehow changes the way that the DC relates to their parents partner/spouse?
I've never been a stepchild, so it's difficult for me to relate to my DDs thoughts. She did voluntarily refer to DH as stepdad, and to exs DW as her SMum long before marriage was on the cards, though....

I can only say how I interpret the definition. And I have always assumed that a step parent was somebody who married your mother or father. Whether you accept them as a kind of third parent would be up to you. I have a friend who had a step dad she referred to him as her step dad as he was married to her mother but she still had her Dad. I've never had a step parent or been a step parent. I've not heard of people referring to their parents partner as a step parent.

But the point is that this OP is causing massive trouble in this family and it's not good for the children. IMHO. But as somebody pointed out would the court recognised the OP as a step-mother with parental rights. I wouldn't have thought so.