Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

Frogs- DP paid for it, I went in and physically paid for it. This isn't something loads of kids will miss out on, it's a school trip to a local castle. I don't think it's acceptable for them to be the only kids not going. It's not because their parents can't afford it either.

She sounds pretty awful. But for your sake OP you need to learn to switch off and just accept her mean ways. Accept that she won't volunteer any money she doesn't have to, you have nice DCs and SDCs a good relationship with DH. The kids will grow before you know it and you will have less dealings with her. Start meditating in the hope it all washes over you, can't think of any other solution, sorry.

I don't think it's acceptable for them to be the only kids not going

As they are not your kids, then really, you don't have the luxury of an opinion. Not your DCs, not your problem. You can get your judgy pants in a twist all you like - but it is just hot air; you have no influence.

Why can't you accept the way your DP chooses to parent with his ex - if she receives CM via the CSA, then he's under no obligation to pay more, and he is the one choosing to spend your family finances on non-essentials for his DCs. I understand why that hacks you off, because its not a bottomless pit and her DCs get a lot more than yours, but you're angry with the wrong person - she is chancing her arm to get the most she possibly can out of her DCs Dad, but he is the one willingly giving it rather then saying no! She may well decide to pay herself if he lets the DCs miss out once or twice - all the while she knows he's going to fork out, she really is onto a winner if she doesn't pay, isn't she?

It's clear that you don't have any time for your DHs ex. She chooses unsuitable haircuts, prefers the DCs to be in childcare rather than a day out, she had other commitments at Xmas which limited her time with them and she plays the system financially. Not the kind if person you'd want to be friends with, really, is she?
But no matter how you feel about her, your DP will never feel the same way. You are not speaking for him when you condemn her.
She will always be the mother of his DCs - a woman he loved, treasured, planned a future together with - and while he may not agree with her choices now, there will always be respect for her, for things that they shared while they were together.

I don't believe that you are 'new' to step parenting - I think you have established your place in your DPs life over several years and he has willingly accepted it. Whether that is because of the love he has for you, a desire to give his DCs the best life he can, or in an attempt to get back at his ex, only he knows.
But it is not sustainable.

Your DSS, who is currently at school but oblivious to his haircut because he's so young - I give it a year at the outside before he does have an opinion of his own about his hair/appearance. Even in the smallest and most remote of primary schools, DCs are subject to peer pressure, face media imagery and aspire to look like their idols. What if he wants to look trendy, like his Mum encourages? Hes not operating in a vacuum, his Mum will encourage and support his desire to have a cool cut, designer shoes or latest shades - and this will all happen very soon! Are you and Dad going to insist? Are you going to enforce your rules and boundaries without flexibility and expect them to be complied with? Do you think your DSS Mum will force him to come to your home when he doesn't want to?

I wonder what you would advise to a friend that had struggled after a split.

Worked hard at getting herself back on her feet, secured 50:50 care of her children, got a job but actually needed some space and time with her friends.

Her ex though, has a new dp.
She's opinionated and thinks she knows best, muscles in on her dc schooling, even their hair styles ffs!

Your friend is really struggling with this, feels pushed out and undermined, and is often asked to give up her time before/after work with her dc so their df and sm can take them out to do things she can't afford to do.

Circumstances change and your friend now only works 2 days a week.
Heartbroken and possibly ashamed she is forced to apply for maintenance to keep a roof over her dcs heads, although she knows this will be used against her.

Even with the maintenance, extras like school trips are out of her reach, but she feels like she can't admit this to her ex.

What would you say if this woman was your friend op?

Oh, egg but its not like that at all! It was mum that left the OPs DP with the DCs, she ran off and left him high and dry. He has had to convince her to see the DCs at all - so she's not struggling with the spilt, not at all! She has an active social life, new home and seems to want to forget all about the DCs.

The OPs DP was left bereft and heartbroken, and relied on his parents to care for the DCs while he struggled on as a single dad. When he met the OP, she was only too happy to step in and help out - caring for his DCs alongside her own months before they lived together as a family. The OP isn't overstepping, she's merely filling the gap left by the DCs own, emotionally absent mum.

Is that about right, OP ?

Why are you acting like this Frog? I didn't think this was your style, and I'm surprised by the person you are coming across as. It makes me wonder about the advice you have given (and I have nodded alongside) before.

Has this OP got under your skin? Is there another reason for your new (and frankly, not very nice) persona? I am really surprised by the way you are posting, it doesn't seem like you at all.

I want to do a grin face, but it's just so....inappropriate.

I can't imagine feeling so forced out of my own family I'm unable emotionally to stop and have a quick chat with my ex in the street.
To feel too worried to mention money worries in case they are used against me, and to cling desperately to something so inconsequential as a haircut because it's one tiny thing I feel I have control over, and then to have even that taken from me, despite the very real possibility my own ds had asked for, and liked this style in the privacy of his home with me.

LTe-Frog has it spot on actually. It's you and let me see....about two other posters on a thread of this size who can't see the horrible games the op is playing in an attempt to 'win'.

Re-read my posts. I haven't once commented on the OPs situation. I didn't need to, everything had been said in the first 50 posts.

Unlike some posters, I don't feel the need to keep sticking the boot in for another 100 posts. I'm not that obsessive nor arrogant.

dallas Well, one reason is because its frankly embarrassing - I'm ashamed to call myself a stepmum when the OP is using the same description to define her role in her DSCs lives.

SMums as a collective group fight to overcome the stereotype created by Grimm, Disney and the gutter press. And along comes the OP and reinforces all the stereotyping in one foul swoop.

When my DDs Dad moved in with his now DW, I was naturally concerned about how DDs relationship withher SMwould develop. If I'd read the OPs threads at about that time - I'd have been inconsolable.
Not only is the OP not representative of SM - but most SM in her position disagree strongly with the way in which she is going about things.

Unlike some posters, I don't feel the need to keep sticking the boot in for another 100 posts. I'm not that obsessive nor arrogant.

I'm
Not sticking the boot in - the OP has returned to the thread several times with further comments - to which I have replied.

Lt, I must be one of the posters you think is sticking the boot in.

I have been a sm for 10 years, and my own dd has an absolutely amazing sm of her own.

I feel so saddened by the thought of the op being my dds sm that I have am posting out of desperation.

Op hasn't come here to vent, venting is fine and healthy.
She has come looking for validation from other step mums, and frankly we're horrified.

There is a tiny part of me clinging to the hope that by wording it differently, or sharing a personal experience that the op might realise she needs to step back, for her own sake as well as all the dc involved.

Is the passive aggressive and sarcastic style of posting you have adopted your usual style?

Do you really think that this thread needed to get to nearly 200 posts? Do you think you have made any difference?

Were you posting on MN in Dec/Jan when there were at least 3 x 1000 post threads about the 'nature' of some of the boards on MN and how detested the hectoring, bullying and piling-in was. How ganging-up was seen as detrimental to the site and one of the reasons we are rounded upon in the media?

I no longer post on the step boards thanks to posters like you. A couple of years ago I could have done with some help, some advice, but went to a different, better website. I couldn't trust MN Step-parenting (less those who are my friends ) and couldn't abide reading grown women sticking the knives in, and with such relish that people are hounded off the boards.

There have been some fucking ridiculous posts on this thread, posts that wouldn't have seen the light of day had we been in 'Parenting' or had earlier posters not 'decided' who the OP was and 'decided' she didn't need to be listened to.

You could have helped here, but chose not to.

And yet you've just done the very thing you've accused the rest of us of.....go figure.

dallas I admire your optimism.

In my opinion - no one could have helped here.

Far from being intimidated and putoff, the OP continued to post opinionated and insulting judgements about her DSC mum despite what you have implied is bullying and ganging up.

And yes, this is my usual posting style - it doesn't suit everyone but that's why there's more than one forum out there!

Then you are most certainly not the poster I thought you were.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean nomorecontact. That's why Passive Aggressive isn't the best medium to use. It isn't clear.

Because at the beginning of the thread you told OP about the 'usual suspects', and your latest post lambasts everyone for not having the same opinion as you. Are you the moderator of this board? I've given plenty of advice over the years on here that is quite the contrary to the sweeping statements you're making. You don't feel the thread should have got to 200 comments? Why? Is there a quota? If the op wasn't coming back then i would agree with you, but as she's engaging (albeit on a somewhat superficial, I'm not really listening fashion)then I don't see your point.

If it upsets you, You could always, you know, not post?

No, my post is quite clear. I have not expressed an opinion on the OPs situation, but it was very obvious at the start of the thread that she was going to get a kicking, and has. There was a huge gap in the middle where OP didn't post, but the character assassination continued. That's without the troll hunting and aggression.

As I said, that's why I wouldn't approach the Stepparenting board for advice. Your reputation precedes you. I've been on MN for 10 years and only avoid 2 places, here and AIBU - because you get the same kind of posts on both.

Oh ffs, disagreeing profusely with someone doesn't mean you're getting a kicking. I stand by what I said before about the op. Every word. She's using those children as a pawn and if that makes me a bully, so be it. As an adult I'm pretty ok with people disagreeing with me. You don't agree with me, I don't agree with the OP. I can live with that.

dallas Actually, I agree with you - the SParenting board is a fight club compared with other areas of MN.

Interestingly, I think most of the posters who have disagreed with the OP, even those who you have accused of putting the boot in, have regularly been bullied and targeted on this board themselves.

There is a very well documented "them and us" culture when it comes to stepparenting on MN - step parents are hounded off other boards and pursued to the stepparenting board where they are considered fair game.

This thread is not "them and us" though - the OP has been advised, appealed to and in some cases begged to at least acknowledge what the majority of posters are saying by the very stepmums who usually get a kicking here for their sheer audacity to exist.

You are right - this thread merely reinforces the reputation this board has as unfriendly to stepmums, and reinforces the reputation stepmums have on MN as being childstealing, selfish and arrogant.

What do you suggest?

The OP did not come on here asking if she was being insensitive or unreasonable or whatever. She came on to get approval of her insensitive encroaching and thoughtless behaviour. I'd absolutely hate my children to have a stepmother or in this case for my ex's partner to think she has such a say in my children's lives. It would be unbearable.

The title of this thread is "Unreasonable?" In answer to the OP's question, a lot of posters, many of them SMs themselves, have advised that yes, she is being unreasonable. That is not hounding or bullying. Although I'm struggling to understand why someone who clearly detests this board so much feels obliged to keep posting on it.

Can I just say. I posted her for opinions and I got them. I don't have a problem with that at all.

I understand why people find it hard to believe that a mother may not put her children first and the idea that a mother having 50% residency may not be in the children's best interests.

Being a SAHM SM whose DSC's mother is less than willing to do things that need to be done means I often have to do those things instead, like the example I gave of me having to go into school today and pay for the trip that she hadn't sorted consent forms for. She said she would do it, DP sent her a text last week reminding her and he got a load of abuse back saying she didn't want him checking up on her. The deadline was the day before half term. School called DP today saying if the DSC were going they needed to be returned today. DP was at work today so I took the forms in. This is how it goes time and time again. That doesn't make me a horrible person, it's not me overstepping the mark or stepping on her toes as some have put it, I'm doing something for my DSC because I care about them. Why should they miss the school trip (as we all know regular school day trips like these are missed by very few if any) because their mum didn't bother and me and DP are too concerned with "offending" her to do it for them instead.

As for finances. If she struggles for money she should work more than 2 days a week she only has two school age children 50% of the time. We struggle for money sometimes and DP is working full time. Once my baby is older I will work part time and he will still work full time probably. What isn't right is that she is playing the system to drag money out of DP that we can't afford (damn you CSA) We have DSC 50:50, her finances are her problem and ours are ours. She has plenty of time to work, the two days a week she works are days the kids are with her usually and they go to the childminder after school. The other 5 days a week she doesn't work 3/4 of those days the DSC are with us! She told DP that she would reduce her working hours if he agreed to 50:50 shared care, she did, but reduced her hours on days she didn't have the kids. So they used to be at home here with us, DP, me and their siblings and now they are with their mum but actually they are at school all day and with a childminder before school from 7am and until 7pm after school. Whilst this is fine and many parents use childcare, that's not the point, the point is why did she bother changing the residency pattern for them just to go into childcare and hardly see her all day! They also had to give up their reading club at the library that they'd done for over a year because her childminder won't facilitate it. Not the end of the world, but pointless when they could have been with us. It was all due to pressure from her parents for her to be a "good mum" and see the kids more, pressure from the stigma of being a NRP mum and her own selfish jealousy that the kids like our home, like my children and like me and she (said herself) she hated the fact that they never really seemed to miss her and talked about us lots when with her. Which is all normal I guess but it fuelled her hate of me.

So here we are now. I treat my DSC very well, I try and make sure all their needs are met when they are in my care and I have extra time to do that as I don't work, so often do the routine things for DSC that need doing. Often is DP is at work and I don't go to a routine school meeting or sort out some sort of forms or payments for the school then it wouldn't get gone, or DP would have to swap hours at work around to do boring everyday tasks when he tried to work his hours around being at home for the children after school/evenings. That isn't in anyone's interests. That doesn't make him a shit partner or dad and doesn't mean her isn't taking responsibility of the DSC, I just help him. He helps me with mine too!

My children won't go without because of DSC, myself and DP are happy to put ourselves out to find the money to pay for things like school trips because why should they be disadvantaged because of their mothers poor choices/behaviour. We aren't anything special and we don't pretend to be certainly not "saint am as someone said I'm claiming to be- most parents want the best for their children and that's all we are doing.

No point in engaging with you. You will never see anyone's point of view but your own. The poor mother.