Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

This is getting silly now. I appreciate all of your opinions, thank you. I hear now that there are SM's who have 100% care of their young DSC as their own parents are decreased and still make no decisions for them- well done you. That doesn't work for us, the children wouldn't have their lives facilitated and they would be unhappy if we only took responsibility of our own biological children. I'm here on my own with the DSC this morning and I'm taking them to school now, once dropped off I will be going into the office to arrange tennis club for my eldest DSS and to book their parents evening slots for next week, alongside our other children. DP has been working since very early so that he is here for when we all get home from school so he can't do it and it's not the sort of thing their mum would bother doing so I'm doing it. Or perhaps I shouldn't bother considering I didn't actually give birth to them!

DP had refused as she worked long hours and wouldn't actually looking after them herself

But she only works two days.
And your DP doesn't seem to be looking after them himself either.

TBH, you all sound as bad as each other.

My DP and I have 6 DC between us too, and like you we have them all quite a lot of the time. We too work as a team - each running them around a bit, cooking, helping with homework, etc. I do find that's the only way it works with a large and busy household.

But I would never dream of being part of getting a DSC's hair cut in a different style that I knew their mum wouldn't like That has nothing to do with helping each other out in day to day parenting and everything to do with trying to assert that you "own" the child. DSD was pushing and pushing to have her ears pierced a while back - but DP wasn't prepared to authorise it against her mum's wishes, and I certainly wasn't going to get involved.

I wouldn't push to have the DSC on a different day so they could be here for a birthday of one of mine either - I might suggest it but if their mum said no that would be the end of the matter. The thing is she probably wouldn't say no because she doesn't feel threatened by me.

You can be as cross as you like with your DSC's mum but the only way you'll get her to change would be to step back a bit and start to send out the message that you respect her role as their mum.

I think we need to know more... Who pushed for the initial court proceedings and why? Who wanted the 50/50? Under what circumstances was it agreed?

If, say, mum wanted more than 50/50 but couldn't because she has to work strange hours/ has no support at home/ was struggling mentally or emotionally etc. maybe she would have chosen a more relaxed approach to the rota as time went on and she was able to have the children more. Who knows. But if she never wanted the 50/50, yet her children were dragged through court in order to get it, I can kind of understand why she'd now be thinking "screw you wanting flexibility when it suits". And remember with 50/50 any single additional day means they are the lesser parent - sounds mad, right? But we haven't walks in this woman's shoes.

Personally as an RP and a step mum, I try to do what's best for the kids. In this situation I would say that is to just celebrate on a different day. Okay so it would be nice for you to have all your children there on that day but, really, it's so far away that by that time you may even decide that a different day would suit better anyway.

What is this recent court hearing about? Is it necessary? Sounds to me like these children have enough going on in their lives and if mum is as rubbish as your posts and tone suggest, Op, then she'll share every detail with them

MumToBe. I think. There is some good advice in the thread that simply addresses your initial OP. It isn't really relevant what goes on in other step families just what goes on in your own. I hope you can sort something out for the birthday, I suggested earlier in the thread simply moving the 1 year old party. I am sure he/she won't mind

Owl- "worked" past tense. She worked much more before. She now works less and has recently put a claim via the CSA for Child Maintenance from DP despite 50:50 residency and despite the fact we pay a lot of the DSC's "extras" like trips and clubs etc.

Purple. I would never dream of getting either DSC ears pierced/hair cuts etc if DP didn't agree. Not a decision for me to make but I'm happy to take them if he wants it done. I have no reason to disagree. The hair cut was stupid, he looked stupid, it wasn't suitable for school and he's too young to make choices like that for himself. He's a child not a 17 yr old boy- which is generally the age group with hairstyles like that.

One simple question - how did your dss feel throughout the haircut saga?

You, OP, are the reason I feel very uncomfortable with my ex and his girlfriend. He has little parenting input and yet she thinks she can comment, judge and potentially interfere because they know best. I am the one providing consistency of parenting, both emotional and practical in my case and they don't have a clue about what I do but come down on the poor kids like a tonne of bricks once a month when they don't behave perfectly in a tiny house now with 7 people in and no actual quality time with the parent they love which appears to go only one way.

Back off and try to imagine that maybe you don't actually know best for her children, see if their dad actually steps up (bet he won't because he's never had to) and maybe she'll become more 'reasonable'.

This is getting silly now.

Silly? Pages of advice highlighting the potential distress and long term emotional damage that the current situation of warring parents will cause your DSC and you call it silly.

There has not once been any acknowledgement by the OP on this thread that the DCs might, just might, be feeling stuck in the middle. The emphasis is on the (step)parents, doing what works for them. whether or not what the parents believed is right actually works for the DCs has not even been a consideration.

But it will be, soon. These young DCs will be less malable and compliant as they get older. Enjoy this while it lasts mumtobe - I predict that in a few years, you will be facing rebellious and recalcitrant teens who are carrying the baggage of their parents battles throughout their Childhood.
If you are interested, there are plenty of documented cases available for you to read.

You are not a parent of these children. If I was their mother I would be going to court to do my best you have as little a part to play in their lives as possible. I can quite see why somebody would feel like this. You are simply taking over a mother's role. Know your place. Somebody who is their father's partner. Not a parent in any way shape or form. And till you realise this there will be constant trouble. You have not taken their mother's feelings into consideration at all.

There is so much with this poster that I can identify with in terms of my own dd. Her sm hacked off all her long hair last last without a word to me, her sm takes her to the doctor without giving me a chance to do it myself. Her sm involves herself in my dd's school life to the point of distraction (think volunteering for school events and the PTA). Her sm tells my dd that's their house is where the 'family' is and that she 'visits' me. Her sm emails me a year in advance to demand that I commit to a schedule. Her sm encourages dd to think that attending the cm when 'she could be with them' as some form of neglect on my part. In short, my dd's sm could be you.

Thankfully I know enough lovely normal real life sm's to know that my dd's sm is nuts.

Why did your DP not just tell the kids Mum that the school were complaining about his hair and let her know in advance that he (not you) was going to get it cut. Then she could at least have had a say or known about it.
I got a bollocking for plaiting DSDs hair for her into a fishtail plait, which she asked me to do when they were with us. I got told in no uncertain terms to leave her hair alone, if I'd gone and got it cut DPs ex would have gone mad (rightly so)

Purple. I would never dream of getting either DSC ears pierced/hair cuts etc if DP didn't agree. Not a decision for me to make but I'm happy to take them if he wants it done.

What would you do if your DP asked you to take the DC to get their ears pierced, and their mother was against it?

Your dsc hair is nothing to do with you.

When a teacher told you it was unsuitable you could easily have said "I agree, but he is not my child, I will pass the message on."

If your dp wants to get it cut, then he takes them after he has offered their dm the chance because the school is complaining.

It doesn't matter how long you have been in their life, they are not, and will never be YOUR children.

You and your dp do things you know their dm doesn't want or agree with, then get pissed off when she complains.

No parent owns a child's hair,personally I feel that if the hair needs trimmed it's a bit petty other upset because you weren't informed or because the step mum "has no right" - it's a pick-your-battles situation. Frankly I'm delighted if dd's dad or stepmum take her to get her hair trimmed - one less job for me

But this is a case of mum having had the kid's hair cut already and dad and stepmum feeling dissatisfied with it as in their opinion it looked ridiculous. It's a complete snub of mum and puts the child in a very difficult situation. If the school have issues with it then op should just say that they need to write home or speak to a parent

OP, I am a SM with 50% care, and a BM with 50% care too. Our house is a madhouse, and I found it really hard to adjust at the beginning. But you know, if I was the mother to these children, you would incense me with rage. You are HUGELY overstepping at every turn, and I'm afraid to say that it's SMs like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

She won't listen it's pointless

I know you're right

Too busy trying to 'win'.
Those poor dc being fought over.

You had a haircut redone that his mum had taken him for? If there was a problem why didn't your dss's dad phone and speak with his ex?

That is massively overstepping, you need to back right off.

Well actually lunar he did text her about it. ;It's hard to explain the style but it's very long on top and very short on the sides.) He reminded her that the school have said before no hair gel as per school rules and she was spoken to directly about this last time. He also said we don't have hair gel here and neither of us are willing to gel up a little boys hair anyway especially not for school so he'd have to wear it down and it's in his eyes that way do not practical for school. He was polite as always. She replied, I quote

"Don't be a prick, just cuz u have no idea about fashion, it looks good on him !"

Fashion? Lol. DSS doesn't give a shit what his hair looks like by the way he is completely uninterested either way.

Again, OP, how does your DSS feel about the fact his parents are arguing over his appearance? What has he seen/heard as a result of this haircut, from both his parents and you? Does the fact that you and your DP are now happy with your DSS's appearance mean, in your opinion, any distress caused to your DSS was worth it? Is the argument that has kicked off between both parents worth that little boy being stuck in the middle of both his parents ongoing acrimony? Do you ever wonder how much responsibility that child is taking on internally, for all the arguments that keep happening around him, with this latest one being very personal to him?

I cannot begin to imagine the confusion, insecurity and distress this little boy will be going through, knowing his parents are unhappy with how he looks or looked.

I see your point OP, things could go more smoothly, but the best thing you can do is make an ally of the DM, so then the DCs really come first, not the three of you scoring points.

Yes, it means you swallowing your pride, finding good points and some admiration for someone at the moment you find irritating, accepting that you will at times be put upon, putting your feelings to one side. And it will take time, but these DCs will be around for all your life, their DM will be around for all your life. For your own sake, and everyone elses', it is worth trying to make things pleasanter. yeah yeah I get that you already do more than your share and dont dispute that

What are the DSCs like, nice kids? funny? reasonable? well she deserves 6 gold stars for that alone. Give her some credit for doing a hard job reasonably well, which is what we, with DCs, all strive to do. Then everyone will be happier you included.

He is blissfully unaware, both that he looked awful before we had it re cut and that the school had repeatedly asked (us and his mum) for it not to be gelled. He did know however that it was getting in his eyes before it was recut. He's little, he doesn't care what his hair looks like as long as he gets his lollipop at the end. Seriously, you can't leave a kid with a stupid haircut, no matter how "fashionable" it is if it's not in line with school rules and isn't practical for a child to maintain.

The DSC love their mum, as they should. She loves them too, as she should. Neither my DP it I dispute that or want to change with fact. Really DP and I only ever contact her is necessary and it's probably only once a month, sometimes less than DP calls or texts her.

It's not us making her life difficult, far from it. Just trying to make a nice normal life for the DSC. Aside from refusing to let them speak with us if it's not DP's days, forcing DP to walk past his own kids in the street and not be able to say a quick hello she's now playing the system to get money out of DP. She's constantly pleading poverty yet now receives a reasonable large payment from DP every 4 weeks via the CSA despite 50:50 residency. However, she refuses to use that to pay half of extra costs such as school trips, uniform, clubs and activities so we either pay it all or they don't do it. Not life or death I know but not great for them. When DP had the kids more he never asked her for a penny. I've just this morning paid the full cost for both of their school trips next term- as the deadline had already passed and she refused to go halves with DP- If I didn't pay it they wouldn't be going. whereas really she should cover the cost given she gets money from DP via the CSA for DSS. Her view is DP earns more than her so therefore even though it's 50:50 shared care he should pay her! She only works 2 bloody days a week and he works a lot more. We have 6 kids in this house and she has 2- and only 50% of the time so of course we need more money than she does! She could easily work more, she could claim tax credits and get childcare paid for or DP and I could have the kids extra days- or they could go to very willing grandparents, she just chooses not to and then expects DP to pay more.

I don't know how long you've been involved as such in the Step Parenting role but believe me, as a mum of an 11 year old who's dad left me when i was 6months pregnant & i met a wonderful man who is now my husband when my son was 3 years old...you've got a long road in front of you.

Pick & choose your battles, this in my opinion isn't worth it. I don't mean your childs 1st birthday isn't worth anything but the fact remains you've asked the SC's mum if they can be there & she's said no. She's their mum at the end of the day & has the right to decide. It's so far away that in the meantime anything can change & they may end up there.
Personally if it was me I would arrange a family tea party to celebrate when my SC were with us & then on our babys actual 1st birthday, i would enjoy a nice day together with my husband & baby out together somewhere for the day.

It sounds very much like your still in the first steps of this role & i understand how frustrating & hard it can be, but there's going to be a lot of things you need to let go & just accept that life is going to be different compared to a 'normal' family..if there ever is such a thing!

If I didn't pay it they wouldn't be going

You know what? That's life. Lots of DCs miss out on school trips cos their parents can't afford it.

As you paid for it, and you are a SAHM, then your own DCs are missing out as a result - because your only source of income with be the CM and benefits for them.
Lets hope they never realise that you are taking money from them to buy your DSC - the resentment that would fuel would be horrendous.