DPs kids don't want to come on holiday with me and DCs

[VelcroBaby]

I don't really know how to respond to this and was hoping for some advice from some more seasoned step parents please!

DP and I have been together for nearly a year. We planned to go on holiday with all our DCs, we both have two, his are 13 and 9, mine are 7 and 4. My DC live with me 100%, he has his for half the holidays and about 1 weekend in 4 (distance just too great for EOW). We don't live together.

DP suggested a week abroad at Easter, all DCs keen. A couple of weeks later he spoke to his exW who told him his kids had changed their minds and didn't want to go away with me and my DC. Kids don't really seem to know what they want (ie they've told their mum one thing and their dad another).

DP doesn't want to rush his kids, and I get that, they have been through their parents splitting up (for the record, DP's ex left him, he and I met a few months after they had separated) and are now coming to terms with new partners on both sides. But part of the problem is that they don't know me or my DC very well because they are not with DP very much. DP sees lots of my DC and they get on brilliantly. Clearly he wants to spend every bit of annual leave he has with them and I would never try to change that, but I would like to go on holiday with him too!

Also I don't see his DC much, because of his limited time with them.

I know it's really important for them to spend time just the three of them so we tend to give them lots of space and meet up just a few times in holidays. The result is they don't know me and DC very well .... but how can we get to know them if we don't spend time together?! DP and I thought a holiday would be a good way to do so. We wouldn't live in each others' pockets for the whole week and whilst the age gap from eldest to youngest is big, there is common ground in the middle.

I feel really resentful that his DC (and poss his ex) are getting to overrule our plans if we say fine, we'll do our own thing, but I don't want to force anyone into a holiday they feel miserable about. DP is going to chat to them again but if anyone's got any thoughts on how he or I approach this that would be great. Sorry this is so long!

One year is plenty long enough for everyone to have got used to the new situation.
Normally I'm very pro-kids needs/choices, but think this is not one of those areas where they get to choose.
If you don't spend this time together how else will you get to know each other? Even if you weren't away on holiday you might all spend a week together at Dads house - what's the difference?
I'd suggest that this week away is non negotiable, but you make sure you find some accommodation that enables the two families to have bit of space and separation - kids not sharing rooms with non related kids and such and that Dad arranges days out that are with just his kids (not necessarily every day) and vice versa and that you spend some evening/meals together.
I'm a SM and a SC, and I used to vaguely dread holidays with my SC's and I have to say each and every time we went away was so much better than I'd feared it would be and it has enabled us all to build relationships, write our own little bit of 'family' history and enjoy time doing relaxed and fun things. It was so good to get away from the usual routine and places etc and do something different.

Holidays have actually been very important to helping us work out our new blended family dynamic.

Emm if i happen to see a thread and think something shouldnt happen then i will say but i dont actually have an alarm set on my laptop to alert me to evey thread of that nature. I saw this thread and have commented on it, i dont have seven million sets of eyes and tabs open to see every single thread ever posted. If all the people taking their dcs on multi family trips want to post a thread then im sure they'll get varying responses. Unless they do then theres very little i can say about their individual circumstances. OP has however posted here and i have seen it so is it ok with you if i respond with my opinion or is there only one opinion allowed on this one?

Fair enough silly - you certainly aren't alone in your opinion on this thread, although I suspect that your views on other multi-family holidays are less widely shared.

In fact, some people who are urging the OP to "think of the children" on this thread may well have expected their own DCs to tolerate sharing a holiday with strangers in the past.

Go without them, when they realise the earth doesn't revolve around them they'll be much nicer people.

Frog you make strange assumptions.

They don't want to. That's it really. I wouldn't make my dc do that either and it's not dictating at all it's saying they don't want to spend a week with someone they hardly know and aren't sure about. They aren't ready to do the family thing with their Dad and his new partner.

And mutton too. Now these children arent nice people because they havent yet become comfortable holidaying with people they hardly know!

As Mum is the resident parent in this case, and these DCs are 'coming to terms' with a new partner either side then presumably, Mum will be "waiting until her DCs are ready" before she and her partner share a home?

After all, if holidaying with their Dads DP is going to be so traumatic, imagine what sharing their home with their Mums DP will do to them!

Frog how on earth is it my decision if the mother does the same? Seriously! OP is the person who has posted so thats the only perspective we can give opinion on. If OP had posted saying her SDC's mother had moved new man and his dcs in after less than a year with very little contact di you honestly think i would be saying that was ok? I wouldnt- but that isnt what has been posted! We can only comment on what the OP has posted and not some hypothetical situation that hasnt happened just so you can prove some no existent point.

Frog - you make a very good point! The ex is just being difficult, if she wanted to go on holiday with a new partner and his children, I suspect her stance would be quite different ......

The ex hasnt done anything! jeez louise! Petal go back through OP's post and quote where the ex has done anything.

Does being an ex of someone else's step dcs automatically make you in the wrong here? Wow!

Nobody knows about the ex and her opinion but if my dc didn't want to go on holiday with their dad and his gf I would tell them they had to go. In fact their dad has booked them a week in a caravan with no wifi in the summer and they are already protesting - but they will be going!
Its a week out of their lives for goodness sake!

Hmm, well i dont have anyone in my house i dont want and wouldnt have anyone in it if my dcs didnt want- going on holiday would be the same- it would be their home/living space for the week and if they didnt want to share it with someone i just wouldnt plan it. I dont invite children to my house for a playdate for a couple of hours that my dcs dont like, i certainly wouldnt force them to spend a week with people they didnt want to. I think its a silly way to go if you expect to form good realtions between the dcs and their step family, especially so early on. But looking at some of the responses here it is no wonder so many step parents have problems with step dcs if they share the 'just make them go' mindset.

Silly - can I ask if you have stepchildren or if your dc have stepparents.
Your views are all well and good in a 'normal' family but in a situation where the parents have split there has to be compromises and one cannot let children dictate to the adults - that is a recipe for disaster.
Would you really not allow anyone into your house that your dc didn't like???

Yes my dcs have a step parent.

And yes i do have people in my life who i no longer have in the house because either i or the dcs have objections. One is my cousin and a very close friend that just cannot seem to get on with my eldest dc so i just dont have her in the house when he is there. Another is a friend of ds's that i just dont like/ dont trust so he doesnt get invited in when he comes calling.

And its not letting dcs dictate- its acknowledging their feelings as people and making changes where possible to accomodate those feelings. It really isnt necessary that OP goes on holiday with these dcs for a week at easter. There are alternatives that could see everyone happier with the situation. Its not ridiculous to suggest they wait a few months and try and build a better relationship proor to spending a week away together.

prior

Kids don't really seem to know what they want (ie they've told their mum one thing and their dad another)
children are so good at saying what they think people want to hear. Not sure whether you should let that dictate your holiday arrangements, or if your husband should just tell them they are coming? or would that create a situation with the ex?
so tricky.

But nobody is expecting them to spend a week with a total stranger. You make it sound like they will be abandoned! Their Dad (who they presumably love and trust) will be there too and it is a holiday, a nice thing, they won't be spending a week in prison!!! I just think they are being a bit precious and demanding - how are they supposed to get to know the OP if they refuse to spend any time with her.
These aren't babies - they are 9 and 13 (similar age to my dc) and they are old enough to understand that their dad is in a relationship now and wants them to get to know his new gf and her dc.

I think your DP should take his children on holiday on his own without you and your DC's. You haven't been together very long so I wouldn't force the big happy family scenario.

Kaluki- who has said total stranger?

And my dcs live with me who they love and trust- tjat doesnt mean i will make them spend time in their own home with people they dont want to. it would be even worse on holiday if no choice but to share a room.