DPs kids don't want to come on holiday with me and DCs

[VelcroBaby]

I don't really know how to respond to this and was hoping for some advice from some more seasoned step parents please!

DP and I have been together for nearly a year. We planned to go on holiday with all our DCs, we both have two, his are 13 and 9, mine are 7 and 4. My DC live with me 100%, he has his for half the holidays and about 1 weekend in 4 (distance just too great for EOW). We don't live together.

DP suggested a week abroad at Easter, all DCs keen. A couple of weeks later he spoke to his exW who told him his kids had changed their minds and didn't want to go away with me and my DC. Kids don't really seem to know what they want (ie they've told their mum one thing and their dad another).

DP doesn't want to rush his kids, and I get that, they have been through their parents splitting up (for the record, DP's ex left him, he and I met a few months after they had separated) and are now coming to terms with new partners on both sides. But part of the problem is that they don't know me or my DC very well because they are not with DP very much. DP sees lots of my DC and they get on brilliantly. Clearly he wants to spend every bit of annual leave he has with them and I would never try to change that, but I would like to go on holiday with him too!

Also I don't see his DC much, because of his limited time with them.

I know it's really important for them to spend time just the three of them so we tend to give them lots of space and meet up just a few times in holidays. The result is they don't know me and DC very well .... but how can we get to know them if we don't spend time together?! DP and I thought a holiday would be a good way to do so. We wouldn't live in each others' pockets for the whole week and whilst the age gap from eldest to youngest is big, there is common ground in the middle.

I feel really resentful that his DC (and poss his ex) are getting to overrule our plans if we say fine, we'll do our own thing, but I don't want to force anyone into a holiday they feel miserable about. DP is going to chat to them again but if anyone's got any thoughts on how he or I approach this that would be great. Sorry this is so long!

Not really odd. Its maybe just too soon for them both.

why all or nothing?if they don't all do a week holiday together within a year of meeting op should end her relationship? wow

Sorry, rosie, I wrote that poorly - what I meant is that if the OP believes that the DCs mum is behind their change of mind, as some other posters have suggested, and the OPs DP is going along with it for a quiet life then she may want to seriously consider the long term implications on her relationship, particularly as she has her own DCs to consider.

The DCs not wanting to holiday isn't a deal breaker by any means; how her DP reacts to it might be.

I can totally see where frog's coming from-especially with the incidious guilt been there, seen that but in this case it's now going to have to be a case of compromise and time. The children should never have had the 'choice' to put the brakes on the holiday in the first place. After all if it's not 'their choice' it's not their fault.

As for Dad and the small amount of time he does spend with them snides..well hello narrow-minded. There are a lot of reasons why fortnightly weekends and mid-week sleepovers are not a viable option for everyone-be they Dad or Mum NRP. Not everyone gets to choose to live within a 5 mile radius of their previous spouse/partner.

Yes i agree- if i was with someone who insiste hos dcs holiday with us despite them not wanting to it would be a deal breaker for me too.

ankle you've helped me work out what it is that has been bothering me - you're right! The DCs should never have been placed in a situation in which they have that influence!
Dad tells them they are all going on holiday, they moan at Mum about not wanting to go and she undermines Dad because rather than making it clear that she has no influence, she wades in and tries to change dads plans in response to the DCs opinions.

that is what has been niggling me - its mum who has given the DCs the impression that she is the more influential parent who can go into bat for them when they don't like something Dad says/does/plans.

Of course it has to be the mother's fault.

Frogs -ankles didnt help you work out what has been bothering you. She helped you find another way to blame this on the mother. What was bothering you was you hadnt until that point thought up anything solid enough yourself to make it all mum's fault.

billy think what you like - up until now I've not mentioned mum - other posters implied she was obstructive etc etc. but there was nothing in the OP to suggest it.

Actually, both parents have absolved themselves of responsibility - I've reread the OP, and dad initially gave the DCs the choice, which is probably why they felt able to change their mind later.

I'm not exW bashing - as far as I can see the OP is the victim of wishy-washy parenting by both parents, which the DCs have taken advantage of.

So children expressing their feelings about a family situation they have been thrust into without choice, becomes them having too much influence and them 'taking advantage.'

Maybe they just feel resentful that they only see their Dad once a month whilst being aware that he spends alot more time with the OP's children, and don't want to share their precious holiday time with them too.

Yes those manipulative children and wishy washy parents and victim OP. couldnt it just be a case of the dad wanting to move too quickly for his dcs to feel comfortable without his children and ex getting blamed for being dictating or manipulative? OP was also pushing for this holiday (i see she has re thought it now) so she isnt a victim- she is involved just as much a her dp. And we dont know what was said by the dp or the dcs to their mother to be able sto say she has undermined him or given the dcs the idea that he is the boss. So much blaming going on here when its, as far as we can tell as we know very little, un warranted. Lots of projecting.

Why does there have to be goodies (op) and baddies (exw and children- neither of which initiated the holiday situation)

Why cant people just see it as a blended family who have reached an unforseen (by them) obstacle an offer alternatives without blaming people?

Velcrobaby how do you and DP plan to move ahead now? will you have a shorter break or spend time at home instead?

OP, I feel your pain regarding wanting to get to know kids that you hardly spend any time with. It's not easy, but perhaps staycation's are the easier compromise, or a UK holiday as it will be easier to organise last minute if days/nights together go well in the holidays. It's early days for you, but get Step parent's parachute, if you haven't read it already, it really does help.

And to pick up upon something else hopefully in a constructive way, every custodial arrangement is different. It matters not in the big picture if the children see their dad every 3 days or 3 weeks... If there is routine there, if the emotional and financial support is there, if Dad's behaviour/routine has not changed since the beginning, then the likelihood is that children will adjust and will have a healthy relationship with dad and accept the logistical challenges. I think personally that the dad has earned the right to start to include his gf and her dc in some holiday plans. It will help the dc to adjust, otherwise the danger is that the dc never move on or that they live in the fantasy that mum and dad might get back together which is not healthy.

And when there is a poor relationship with a NRP that ticks all the boxes, despite logistical challenges, I feel that something is working in the background against him, rather than helping the dc to adjust and appreciate both parents input/sacrifices to raise the children. I know from experience that with logistics like this, children can still love and appreciate the NRP and not have too many hangups and it also doesn't mean that the dd has to live alone with his dog in divorce purgatory for the rest of his life either. Children can learn to embrace change and happiness, we all change, we adjust and happiness is everything. :)

The OP can believe what she wants - but it's not based on any evidence!

How can the OP prevent the children from feeling disloyal to their mum?

By not forcing them into a family holiday that they're not emotionally ready for. They will learn, over time, that it's ok to enjoy her company.

This will not be achieved by forcing them to holiday with an almost complete stranger and play happy families because daddy's girlfriend won't go away for a week without him.

And let's remember here - they're not even together that long anyway! A one year relationship where there are four children involved is not that long!

billy'you seem to be painting the OPs DP as the poor woodcutter from Hansel and Gretel whose DW encouraged him to abandon his DCs in the wood - you say that the OP is pushing for a holiday - pushing who?

The DCs? Well shame on their Dad for exposing them to that.
Her DP? He's a big boy, and as a parent he should stand up for himself and what he believes is right for his DCs - anything less and we're back to wishy-washy parenting again!

Given that the OP has rethought her plans, this is all very hypothetical - a shorter break or staycation will be a good compromise (which I posted several pages ago) - hopefully, future breaks can be planned without involving the DCs in the decision making process!

If it makes you feel better to point fingers at me frogs then work away. I havent (unlike others) painted anyone as anything. Op and her dp have been pushing for this holiday. Pushing together. And yes, it seems like pushing the dcs. Op and her dp are both responsible for that, not just her dp.

And as the dcs get older (one is 12 i think) it will be less and less possible to make holiday plans without involving them in the process. If they want them to participate that is.

Well this moved on somewhat since I stated yesterday that I was going to rethink, speak to DP and see if he could find out more from his kids about how they are feeling, put plans on hold and see if (yes IF) they might reconsider for summer. Perhaps that got missed somewhere amidst the wild speculation and projection.

We're not pushing, it's been mentioned as a plan to the kids (yes, an error, but I don't think DP felt he had to get his ex's permission to do stuff with the kids during his time with them. She doesn't ask him if she and her partner can do stuff with them). Kids were keen, then not keen - according to ex. DP needs to find out from the DC themselves what they want as they were clear with him that they did like the idea. Issues there about loyalties and trying to please both parents I'm sure.

I admit I felt hurt that this seemed to be about me so came on here for advice as I am new to this. Clearly we are all new to this. It's not easy for anyone but I want it to work - for everyone. I can cope with a holiday with just me and my dcs, I've been doing it alone for over 4 years after all so those comments are pretty unfair.

I don't think being together on a holiday is necessarily a bad idea - it actually keeps things neutral. If we do overnights at each others' house it will involve kids having to share rooms - so some as guests, some as hosts, some having their stuff played with, some not having their own stuff there. Somewhere away felt like a better idea but I can see how it creates its own issues for his dc - thank you all for those insights. So the idea to do a weekend away with lots of space or other people around is a good one, thank you for that too.

For the record, I like his dc and I think they do like me and dc, which is why I was a bit hurt about the push back. But I'm a grown up and I'll cope! They are not precious or demanding or selfish or anything like that. They are trying to get used to a new situation and DP and I would like them to be happy. Hence me asking for advice here, and for those who missed it waaaay up thread, taking it on board!

I also don't have anything against his ex and don't think she is a big stirrer or anything like that, but DP probably does need to agree with her about mutual support and about how if the dc talk to her about stuff that worries them about him / his time with them, how she can ensure he gets to deal with it.

It is unfair that she left DP, has the kids, has the new partner who her DC see loads (in the way that my DC see DP loads of course) so more comfortable with, and DP's left with the crumbs of contact for his own kids. He's in contact with them as much as he can be whilst respecting their time with their mum, he would love to have them more but geography and jobs don't permit that right now. They know that and understand. They love him and want time with him and I will never stand in the way of that - I wholeheartedly think that every day he gets in annual leave he should be with them while they are still old enough to want or need that. It would be nice to be a part of some of that too - whilst wanting them to have the majority of the time all for themselves. And any holiday, however long or short would involve me being with just my dc and DP being with just his, but I don't think that his DCs got that level of detail.

This thread has been largely helpful but perhaps with all the clarification I've just provided it could be laid to rest now? There are a lot of assumptions being made, none of them based on anything other than people's own interpretations of basic facts. Rest assured that I'm not about to put these children through something they will hate or that will jeopardise my future relationship with them, but I do very much want to get to know them which isn't easy given the current situation.

OP you sound very reasonable about this and ive thought so since your second or third post (cant remember which). My ongoing discussion between other posters was addressing their comments and not to persudade you one way or the other as i had already seen your post way upthread. My comment about pushing, i'll take back. It did appear as if you (and dp) were pushing for it but that is probably because your desire for it to happen was expressed in the OP and later posts and no doubt you havent expressed these feelings to the dcs so it wont have been pushed from their perspective.

Sounds good OP, I wish you all the best.

I totally respect you OP for reaching out for advice. There's so much animosity between some family set ups as discussed on here. We're all here for advice and I'm totally on the side of any parents who wish to grow relationships with the kids on board. Amen to that.

Fair play, OP. You're taking stuff on board and responding to people's opinions.

I wish you luck moving forward. Just please remember that time will help a lot of things!

good luck op, you seem lovely and caring i hope things will work out well for you all. enjoy the time you do spend together that's what's important x