Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DPs kids don't want to come on holiday with me and DCs

124 replies

VelcroBaby · 10/02/2014 15:03

I don't really know how to respond to this and was hoping for some advice from some more seasoned step parents please!

DP and I have been together for nearly a year. We planned to go on holiday with all our DCs, we both have two, his are 13 and 9, mine are 7 and 4. My DC live with me 100%, he has his for half the holidays and about 1 weekend in 4 (distance just too great for EOW). We don't live together.

DP suggested a week abroad at Easter, all DCs keen. A couple of weeks later he spoke to his exW who told him his kids had changed their minds and didn't want to go away with me and my DC. Kids don't really seem to know what they want (ie they've told their mum one thing and their dad another).

DP doesn't want to rush his kids, and I get that, they have been through their parents splitting up (for the record, DP's ex left him, he and I met a few months after they had separated) and are now coming to terms with new partners on both sides. But part of the problem is that they don't know me or my DC very well because they are not with DP very much. DP sees lots of my DC and they get on brilliantly. Clearly he wants to spend every bit of annual leave he has with them and I would never try to change that, but I would like to go on holiday with him too!

Also I don't see his DC much, because of his limited time with them.

I know it's really important for them to spend time just the three of them so we tend to give them lots of space and meet up just a few times in holidays. The result is they don't know me and DC very well .... but how can we get to know them if we don't spend time together?! DP and I thought a holiday would be a good way to do so. We wouldn't live in each others' pockets for the whole week and whilst the age gap from eldest to youngest is big, there is common ground in the middle.

I feel really resentful that his DC (and poss his ex) are getting to overrule our plans if we say fine, we'll do our own thing, but I don't want to force anyone into a holiday they feel miserable about. DP is going to chat to them again but if anyone's got any thoughts on how he or I approach this that would be great. Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

Petal02 · 10/02/2014 17:50

I also agree with Frog. And what happens if, for example, that next year comes round, and they don't want to holiday with the OP? Do they win again?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 17:57

Its sad that you see it as them 'winning' rather than just not being comfortable going away with a woman and two children theyve known less than a year and seen veryblittle of. Its really not about 'winning'. The adults involved should want what is best for the children involved and sometimes that means slowing the rate of progression when dcs show theyre not ready for something. In the early stages its so easy to want to move fast and get excited about holidays and moving in but its actually the most crucial stage for the dcs involved to be put first. They are the ones who are having to adapt to these new relationships with no real benefit to them initially (the adults get the joy of the relationship- the children dont have that)

waltermittymissus · 10/02/2014 17:59

It's not about winning, it's about being sensitive to the feelings of these young children whose whole lives have changed without anyone asking them if it was ok!

I'm not saying parents should seek their children's permission to split up, but children never get a say do they? They have to go along with whatever is decided for them.

The least the adults involved in this could do is respect the fact that the children need time to adjust. One year, in the scheme of things, is not that long. Especially how little they see their father and the OP.

waltermittymissus · 10/02/2014 18:00

*Especially considering

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 10/02/2014 18:08

You can bet your left ass cheek if the op and her dp take her dc on this planned holiday and not the dsc, there will be lots of exw shitstirring.

Exw could encourage them to give it a try, I'm betting she isn't.
I'd go for the option someone mentioned of booking a later holiday this year op, and getting to know the dsc a bit better beforehand .. At least if nothing else it'll make things better on the actual holiday if you know each other a little better before possibly being stuck in a room together

Original poster

VelcroBaby · 10/02/2014 18:12

Thank you again for all your thoughts, lots of wise advice. I have decided that we should put this on hold for now and I will talk to DP about how I can get to know his kids better between now and summer, when we could think again.

In the meantime how does DP best communicate to the kids so that they don't feel they can always set the agenda on this? Do you think saying to them that we would like a holiday all together, and perhaps summer would give us more time etc - then asking them about us spending time together on their weekends?

I don't think all the decision making should be on them, nor do I want to get in a situation that allows them always to put off having me and dcs around. DP can't get to see them any more than he already does at the moment unfortunately so this could go on for another year or two and ultimately it's up to the adults to steer the course and guide them gently towards the reality of me and DP being a couple, as is the case for their mum and her new partner.

Re the use of the word winning, bad choice I admit. Just feels like there won't be the desired outcome for 4 out of 6 people, so there is some loss there. DP and I can cope but I don't want my dcs to feel that they are being rejected when they are keen to see his kids more too (I know they are younge and it's not the same for the older two).

OP posts:

outtolunchagain · 10/02/2014 18:12

Gosh I was in excitedly this same situation , only I was the child, I was13 my brother 10 so very similar I think the other two ( now my step siblings ) were 12 and 14.

I hated it, I hated sharing my df , we had only known the OW for a few months and I was a rather sheltered 13 year old who was shocked and embarrassed about them sharing a room.I got on well with the 12 year old girl but the room sharing was difficult and tempers frayed.They had different holiday traditions and there was the business of having to try to be on best behaviour etc.

The whole thing was just too much too soon, looking back I was hugely traumatised , it was like having the whole ghastly situation rubbed right in your face and there was nowhere to escape because we were all stuck in a caravan together !

We need not have rushed it df and sm have now been married 30 years , we all rub along OK , I read somewhere that it takes 10 years on average to put two families together .So I would say baby steps are the key , take it slowly and steadily .

Original poster

VelcroBaby · 10/02/2014 18:14

xpost things. Oh and there is no way I would ask DP to use a week of his leave on me and my dc. He needs every day he has to see his own kids.

OP posts:

outtolunchagain · 10/02/2014 18:15

Sorry meant to say exactly not excitedly

OP glad you have thought again, actually I think the more control you give them the less they need to fight for it .If they know that they can have some control over their relationship with their father they are more likely to be able to relax, the more you try to force them the more likely they will dig their heels in .

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 18:17

Why so certain exw is shit stirring and not encouraging them to try? i'm an ex (not wife but exp) and i would be over the moon if exp and his fiancee wanted to take our dcs away. I know step parents come in for a lot of stick on MN but ive seen it go the other way with the 'psyco ex' comments, often without reason to suggest ex is being in any way unreasonable but rather for the simple fact she is the ex. Being an ex does not suddenly make someone a shitstirrer!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 18:22

OP try not to see it as 4 out of 6 people being disappointed but rather 6 out of 6 being happy with the outcome, just at a later stage when you are ALL ready for it. You seem to be clinging to this idea that his dcs are dictating the pace because they arent ready, however it could be said that you and he are dictating the pace because you and he are ready. Do the people that are ready have more say just because they are ready? If it was your dcs that werent ready would you feel the same?

waltermittymissus · 10/02/2014 19:33

Why the big rush to holiday together? It's been ONE year!

If you and your DP stay together there will be countless opportunity to holiday together.

You're not even living with your DP! You and he could end up finding it hard to live under each other's feet and then you're all up shit creek!

Seriously, I really think you need to back off here! Take it much, much slower than what you're planning to do.

What is the big deal with the holiday anyway? Genuine question.

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 20:50

Walter, she has decided not to go on holiday just yet and to give it time to get to know each other

waltermittymissus · 10/02/2014 21:08

Yes but she decided to wait until the summer as opposed to the midterm.

It just seems a bit pushy. Why can't you wait a year?!

purpleroses · 10/02/2014 21:46

I would encourage your DP to present it to them as he has listened to their concerns about finding it too much just yet, but that the plan is that you will holiday together at some point in the future. I think you're absolutely right that the adults do need to set the agenda and where things are going. You do your best to help children adjust (and that can include slowing the pace a little for them if they're struggling), but they don't get to dictate the future of your relationship.

Can you manage a weekend on hols together sometime sooner? Or do camping or youth hostel - which can allow you to be together but also with other people around so it's not so instance.

It can all work out well though - I was in your position about 3 years ago - pushing for a holiday all together which my DCs (then 7 and 11), as were my DP's younger DCs (similar ages). My DP's elder DS - aged 12 - was not keen at all, but was told that that was what was happening. We compromised on just a weekend all together - at a youth hostel so other kids around too but put the kids in rooms with each other and shared one ourselves. It certainly did help everyone to get to know each other and we went on to have a full week together a few months later and again another time before moving in together. DSS did definitely have to be forced a bit at first to spend time with me and my DCs - as he was/is naturally resistant to changes but wasn't really going to get to know us if he was allowed to keep avoiding us. But the reason I've taken a while to get back on this thread is that that same DSS (now aged 15) has been sitting in the living room not wanting to go to bed and wanting to chat to me all evening

purpleroses · 10/02/2014 21:46

Should say which my DCs (then 7 and 11) were all enthusiastic about...

Frogbyanothername · 10/02/2014 22:37

It just seems a bit pushy. Why can't you wait a year?!

What's magic about a year? Why not 3 months? 6 months? 10.765 months?

As for comparing the OPs situation to that of holidaying with Dads OW - that's crass, but to expected on MN. The first wife will always be the only true wife in some people's option.

Kaluki · 10/02/2014 22:56

Guess what? We all have to do things we don't want to. That's life.
Could the dc decide they don't want to go to school anymore? Or to the dentist or decide when they go to bed?

Why should they get to dictate where and with whom they go on holiday?
Life sucks sometimes and it won't always go the way you want and the dc won't be psychologically scarred for life by going away for a week with their dad and the OP and her dc.
They are lucky to get a holiday - lots of kids don't!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 22:59

Hmm, well going to school, bed and the dentist are all for the ch

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 23:03

Childs own good. Their education and health are the parents responsibility. Holidaying with dads girlfriend and her dcs when they hardly know them just isnt conparable at all. If my dcs didnt want to go on holiday i wouldnt insist they go. I just wouldnt plan anything. Whats fun about holidying with people who are miserable about being there? thats a recipe for high tensions and a ruined holiday just because two adults who have taken a shine to each other cant have some patience and wait til everyone's a bit more accepting of the idea.

Frogbyanothername · 10/02/2014 23:12

But what about all those DCs who are dragged off to a villa on the Med for a fortnight with three other families who their parents work/go to the gym/play football with but whose DCs have never met each other before?
The kids are all muddled into shared bedrooms according to age/gender, spend every day in the pool/beach/kids club together and are expected to get on with it.

No one considers whether the DCs want to do that, and it is encouraged in many situations - so what is so damaging about the OP and her DCs?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 10/02/2014 23:15

My comment about exw shitstirring was in the context of if op and her dp went without his children.
The shit would hit the fan then. Yet its their decision not to go.

Op, book a lovely holiday for you and your kids. Not 'using up precious time off' on you is a bad sign imo.
You aren't worthless in this situation x

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 23:16

Im not sure whether you think im responsible for all those families squashing random children into rooms together or whether i have authority to prevent it. Either way it's irrelevant as a) they arent my dcs so i get no say and b) they arent the ones in the OP.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/02/2014 23:17

Things- how on earth do you know the shit would hit the fan? do you know the exw?

Frogbyanothername · 10/02/2014 23:23

If you're just as outraged about multi-family holidays as you are about the OPs suggestion, do you express your views as eloquently on the threads discussing/encouraging those kinds of holidays, too?
Or do you only leap to the defence of DCs whose parents no longer live together?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5