DPs kids don't want to come on holiday with me and DCs

[VelcroBaby]

I don't really know how to respond to this and was hoping for some advice from some more seasoned step parents please!

DP and I have been together for nearly a year. We planned to go on holiday with all our DCs, we both have two, his are 13 and 9, mine are 7 and 4. My DC live with me 100%, he has his for half the holidays and about 1 weekend in 4 (distance just too great for EOW). We don't live together.

DP suggested a week abroad at Easter, all DCs keen. A couple of weeks later he spoke to his exW who told him his kids had changed their minds and didn't want to go away with me and my DC. Kids don't really seem to know what they want (ie they've told their mum one thing and their dad another).

DP doesn't want to rush his kids, and I get that, they have been through their parents splitting up (for the record, DP's ex left him, he and I met a few months after they had separated) and are now coming to terms with new partners on both sides. But part of the problem is that they don't know me or my DC very well because they are not with DP very much. DP sees lots of my DC and they get on brilliantly. Clearly he wants to spend every bit of annual leave he has with them and I would never try to change that, but I would like to go on holiday with him too!

Also I don't see his DC much, because of his limited time with them.

I know it's really important for them to spend time just the three of them so we tend to give them lots of space and meet up just a few times in holidays. The result is they don't know me and DC very well .... but how can we get to know them if we don't spend time together?! DP and I thought a holiday would be a good way to do so. We wouldn't live in each others' pockets for the whole week and whilst the age gap from eldest to youngest is big, there is common ground in the middle.

I feel really resentful that his DC (and poss his ex) are getting to overrule our plans if we say fine, we'll do our own thing, but I don't want to force anyone into a holiday they feel miserable about. DP is going to chat to them again but if anyone's got any thoughts on how he or I approach this that would be great. Sorry this is so long!

im with billy on this there is no way i would force ds to go anywhere for a week if he wasn't comfortable. i would encourage him to go with his dad but not force him. you should go for a 2/3 day break with dp and your dc so you dont feel you're missing out and when he has his dc for a week meet up and do day trips so they can get to know you.
forcing them for a week is just asking for trouble imo

maybe How come you are adamant that the OP is not a stepmum, and yet later in the same post you refer to stepDCs?
Surely both can't be accurate?

If the OP is not a stepmum, then her DPs DCs are just that - not her stepDCs.

Having read some of the replies this is clearly not a blended family issue - it's more the fact that some parents give their DCs a lot more influence over their family's social circle than others do.

To be honest I think that the holiday conversation shouldn't have been had with either set of children first in this particular situation.

The parents should have got together and sorted out where the land lay with them first. This would have allowed for the adults to express themselves directly and have the 'well he's moved in/you went away/DC doesn't like your new girl much' chat and everyone would have known exactly where the land lay instead of guessing now. That way your DP, you and his ex could have presented a united front to the children so there was no room for them to feel torn loyalties (by which I mean you & your DP tell them that X is what's happening and Mum is very happy about it, not you all sit together in a neutral place).

I don't hold with the children 'making decisions' about family life and I certainly know all about manipulative adult behaviour.

In the meantime I would suggest being all together and doing overnight stays one night per weekend perhaps so that everyone gets to know each other properly and his Dc's can see that they still get 'their own time' with Dad-which is a valid request that shouldn't be undervalued considering the contact they get.

If you've already been doing that for a good while then I'd be looking at a weekend away during holiday time compromise, but somewhere that allowed for safe personal space in the event of upset which happens in families regardless of parentage

Good luck..it's hard work patchwork parenting

I think seeing his children once a month is a bit rubbish. Is he working towards changing that?

OP says that they don't live together, hence they've been together for a year but she's had limited involvement so his DC's get their time with him. Which is to be commended by the way OP.

FFS the assumptions really do fly thick and fast, don't they?

I'm a stepmother. My dc don't have a stepfather or stepmother.

So, if it were me and my dh was only seeing his children this much, and I was seeing them even less, I wouldn't be pushing for them to holiday with me just because I'm an adult.

This is not about towing the line, or the world revolving around them or anything else.

This is about respecting the fact that these things take TIME.

Someone asked what's magic about a year. Nothing. But it's damn sure better than pushing for this now. OP never sees these kids. She hasn't developed any sort of relationship with them.

Her DP doesn't really see that much of them either.

If that can't be helped, fair enough. But why push for a holiday? Why make them go away with people they just don't know? It certainly isn't for their benefit, is it?

It's selfish.

why make them go away with people they just don't know? It certainly isn't for their benefit, is it?

But is it going to harm them? Should we, as parents, only insist that our DCs do things that they don't want to do if it will actively benefit them? If not, should we accept that because they are little people with their own opinions and dislikes, those take precedence over our own preferences until the DCs are independent (or ever?)?

There is an argument both ways on whether or not the DCs will benefit - but no one has identified one reason why the DCs will be harmed. There are literally thousands of DCs who go on holiday with people they don't know every year, because their parents insist. Are those DCs traumatised/damaged by the experience? Or, do most of them, even the ones who were initially resistant, have a good time and get to know the strangers better by the end of the week?

The only harm that could happen (and I have personal experience) is if the DCs feel disloyal to their Mum by having a good time while on holiday. That insidious, creeping, painful anxiety can cripple a child over time. That is completely out of the OPs hands.

But it's not completely out of her hands!

Look, if this were a couple of years down the line when the dc had had a chance to get used to a) being without their dad b) coping with the fact that dad has a 'new' family and c) having the chance to get to know the OP and her dc before being forced to holiday with them I'd say fair enough. It's not for them to dictate every aspect of their lives with dad.

But, and I'm sorry because this will sound quite harsh, it appears that dad couldn't be arsed to spend that much time with them (maybe this is not the case but could it look that way to DC?) And then, in the small amount of time that he does bother with them, they get dragged off to spend 'family' time with the people he sees more than them!

Why upset them like that? Why not give them a chance to get to know everyone better?

This is all for the benefit of OP and her dc. That's just not fair.

I would get to know them better first, make your own relationship.
Try days out together and make sure that you do things alone with his children and vice versa.

so they could be harmed?you are the one frog that has identified the way they could be harmed.
in the other hand how will it harm op and her dc not to spend a week with dp and his dc?it won't harm her not to go so why should she be the one that insists?no suggesting she will insist. there are numerous ways which have been suggested that meet in the middle so everyone gets abit of what they want with absoutly zero chance of anyone being 'harmed'.
how would dps kids be forced to go anyway?by who? if they don't want to go they can hardly be manhandled into a car or plane, even if they were can't imagine that being a happy holiday for anyone.

But it's not completely out of her hands!

walter Could you explain how the OP can prevent the DCs feeling disloyal to their Mum if they enjoy spending time with their Dad, the OP, and her DCs?
Other than, of course, the OP never spending any time with them, which seems slightly counterproductive!

I think everyone is almost saying the same thing. Its fine if you want to on week's holiday at Easter time together, but separate accommodations and spending some time as a blended family and other separately. Or stay home and have a weekend trip instead.

It boils down to the same thing. Spending a bit more time to get-to-know each other but in shorter amounts of time instead of a forced week long event 24/7.

I think this is the right way to approach it because of the limited amount of time that DP sees his children. One weekend a month and half of holidays is not much. Not sure if he contacts or skypes them in between. So some of the contact time is spent with OP and her children. They might just want to spend time with their dad.

rosie If the DCs feel disloyal to their Mum, then those posters who have attributed negative emotions to her must be right - if Mum was matter of fact and positive about contact, then there would be no reason for the DCs to feel conflicted, would there?

If the DCs feel torn between their parents now, it's only going to get worse over time - and given their ages, I'd advise the OP to get out of the relationship to protect herself and her DCs from heartbreak.

frog no one is suggesting the kids shouldn't ever spend any time with op. just that forcing them gore a week is counterproductive. why should ops preference of a family holiday trump the kids preference not to go? when there are plenty of options that leave everyone happy

Frog you keep referring to these 'thousands' of other children who are forced to spend holidays with people they dont know. Im not sure why. For starters, every single one of those situations will be different- there cant be a 'blanket rule' as there are any number of reasons why it is happening and why it should ir shouldnt. And for seconds- going away with friends of the family you dont know has a different long term outcome than going away with your dads partner an her dcs that you dont know. The dynamic and emotions involved are different to begin with and there is no expectation that you will have to at some point share you parent's home and your time there with these people.

Xposting with maybe

why should ops preference of a family holiday trump the kids preference not to go?

For me, that boils down very simply to the fact that the DCs are just that - children - and their preferences do not carry the same weight within a family setting as those of their parent.

If Dad thinks a joint holiday will be bad for the DCs, then that's different - but if dad won't insist purely because the DCs don't want to, and he wants to give them everything they want, then that is a slippery slope.

frog i think your own bitter experience is clouding your judgment here. why so dramatic?why all or nothing?if they don't all do a week holiday together within a year of meeting op should end her relationship? wow
maybe the ex isn't influencing the kids at all, they're old enough to have opinions and know what they want.

Btw- children can still very much feel torn between pleasing both parents without despite both parents reassuring them there is no reason to. Outside influences like tv, friends talking, other family members can all have an impact. Also i note that you have attributed the dcs feeling disloyal to something their mother 'must' have done. Why just their mother and not their father also or solely?

There is a difference between allowing your dcs a bit more time (less than a year of very little contact) to feel ready for a week long holiday and 'giving them everything they want'

I don't think you can address this , for Easter or Summer, unless you know WHY they changed their minds and why it is they don't want to go.

Maybe their Dad can talk to them about this.

Maybe they don't like the sound of the place! Or maybe something else is happening . Odd for both at different ages to make the same decision .