Bitten off more than I can chew..?

[misspope24]

Hi all, looking for some advice, criticism, support, whatever really!
I am 23 years old, been with my partner for 9 months who has a 3.5yo son from previous relationship and I am 6 months pregnant (huge shock, have only just come to terms with this) with his second child. I cannot fault my bf one bit, except when it comes to his ex/son's involvement.
When I met bf, he was having his son weds, fri, sat, sun nights and his ex was heavily involved, caused A LOT of dramas, rows, arguments etc (still had feelings for him, didn't want him as a bf but no one else could) and got extremely jealous when he found someone new and began making his life v.difficult. She then found a new man and calmed a little, and as my relationship with bf got more serious, he cut down having his son to every other weekend (not all of a sudden, gradually). She didn't like this at all and stopped my bf seeing his son for 3 months. It was during this time we found out we were having a baby. My bf struggled not seeing his son at all in these 3 months, I am not the sort to sit and hold his hand while he cries so instead we got out a lot in these 3 months. When she piped up and allowed my bf to start seeing his son again, I found it very hard to cope with (this may also be hormonal? I've had severe hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and it can mess hormones up so much!) as we had had 3 months without her emotional blackmail and abuse and making my bf feel like utter crap, not dreading the phone ringing etc etc... I really rejected the whole situation, as well as my bfs son, and life was very hard, especially for my bf. We decided that I should take a huge step back and when my bf has his son, I don't go along or have any involvement until I feel ready to do so. We have done this now, I got involved at one point too early and it wasn't good, and yesterday I felt more ready and we tried again and it went quite well. However, there are things im now noticing my bf do to keep the ex happy, and I don't know if I like what I see...

1. He now has to call his son 3x a week. Because she made life so difficult for quite some time, my bf got a spare phone that he can switch off as this is the only number she has for him. His son isn't bothered by these calls- he says hello and walks off pretty much, leaving her the chance to get on the phone and moan, criticize etc. If he doesn't call, shes straight on his back about it (seems she sets hoops for him to jump through and when he doesn't she can be nasty) is this right? If he said 3x a week that he wanted to call him, I wouldn't give a damn, but because shes done it, it infuriates me!

1. I feel my bf is now scared of his ex. Last night when we were getting ready to take bfs son home, I saw a different side to my bf. His mum doesn't help at all, she IS scared of bfs ex and expects us to be as well. She says ridiculous things like 'are you making sure you've followed your instructions? You must do this, this and this or she wont like it' (not sarcastic at all, her face literally full of fear for this woman) and creates the most awkward atmosphere in the process. But I saw the same fear filled face on my bf last night when we almost left without putting his sons pjs on because that's what he had to do. How and why should another woman make my bf feel like this? Another example of setting hoops...

1. THE DISNEY DAD!!!! OMG, its so irritating... again not at all helped by bfs mum. My bf cant go to the toilet without his son wanting to follow (I understand his son misses him, but surely it shouldn't be encouraged almost?) The clingier the son is, the more my bf likes it. I am so worried that when hes round our house and our baby is here, I will be expected to deal with the baby as he cant put his son down without crying. He's also very jealous and will cry if daddy is talking to someone else or doing something else and can be quite rude, but it is never picked up on by his dad, yet if it was our child, I would pick them up on the bad behaviour. Do many people find it becomes one rule for one and different for another when step children visit?

Sorry for Loooong message, needed to vent and needed some second opinions!!

Thanks

so ur bf was having consistant 4 nights a wk contact and then met u and went to eow? im not suprised the ex is pissed off!

He was having 4 nights a week because his ex was single and out all the time, she met a bloke, calmed down and wanted her son more so it became every other week

She wanted to be able to call my bf whenever, including really late at night, to get him to have his son and threatened taking him away if he couldn't, so from the advice of a mediator he suggested a more frequent and realistic visitation of every other weekend. But because my bf had suggested it, she wasn't happy

The 3 year old is behaving normally. Lots of children that age follow their parents to the toilet. The fact that the child until recently saw his father half of the week and it's now much, much less means the child is insecure. The way to help the child is reassurance, both in actions and words. Phoning the child frequently is a good idea. When the child walks away, it's time to say goodbye and end the call. The child needs time with just his dad, so it sounds good if at least some of the contact visits are without you.

The ex may be a nightmare but your BF chose to be with her. He needs to do the right thing by his child, which may not be the right thing for his new family but that's unfortunately the reality.

If he chooses to continue like this then you'll probably be more frustrated when you have a child of your own too, but unfortunately for you it sounds like he's more scared of upsetting his ex than upsetting you. Or maybe he just agrees with whomever he last spoke to. Either way, the best thing for you, at least during your pregnancy, may be to remove yourself from that side of his life, refuse to discuss it and concentrate on your new baby. He the only one who can change things, so either he does that (and he can, if he wants to) or he's just moaning and transferring his problems to you, someone without the control to do anything.

Also, and this is maybe a little late, be wary of men who say their ex's are nutters. It's a very bad sign.

Sorry but I don't really see any issues here. Apart from him being nervous. Which is his issue.

The child is young. Clingyness, attention seeking etc is normal. Phoning a child between visits is normal.

I am confused as you said that contact was reduced as your relationship got more serious and then said it was because she reduced it. which is it. going by your first post I can see why she has set a clear schedule.

I think you are jealous. I don't mean to sound harsh as your hormones may be making you feel this way. But you come across as both jealous of her and the little boy.

You had a few weeks of no contact and enjoyed it. But you are having a baby with a man who already has a child with someone else. Its not realistic to expect life to be always like that.

Shook is correct, espec with the last paragraph. I always think something is a miss when a man portrays is ex as a nutter who is more interested in going out than having their son.

Sorry shoom I hate autocorrect.

I did for a while refuse to discuss it and that and he hated me for it. He must of needed my support and felt he couldn't turn to me through it?
I know he chose to be with her, I understand he has a past, but he now has a future which involves another child, where do you draw the line? It's so bloody hard! And the ex only became nutty when he moved on. When he was single, living alone and had no contact with anyone she was fine.

has your bf considered getting legal advice and something agreed legally about his contact with his son? this would hopefully avoid the worry about his ex not allowing him to see his son, give his son stability and relieve some pressure on your relationship?

He had his son 4 days a week while she was out, I was around for a while before we became an item and this was always the case. We became an item and this was still the case. She then got in a relationship and started having her son more but would call all hours and expect my bf at the drop of a hat to come and get his son and If he didn't she would stop access. By now we had become more serious and bf wanted a regular pattern of visitation. He served advice and was told to put eow in practice, but because she could no longer call at 11pm and use her 'no access threats' she didn't like it and stopped contact for 3 months. She didn't like the routine I guess.

I don't know if its jealousy, it's more the fact I hate seeing what she does to my bf, shes very unpredictable, and he could be a saint and still find a reason to be nasty.

He looked into mediation and it was very biased. He had to pay£100 an hour and she got it free with legal aid. She basically said she would keep him paying until he ran out of cash as she had nothing to loose and didn't need to pay an hourly rate

The world may be full of nutters. You don't have to choose one as your GF.

The bit about him "hating you for it", he sounds less and less like a prize. He can fix things if he wants to. He tries mediation or gets a legal agreement about contact arrangements. He refuses to talk to the ex except about necessary things. This business about him being scared of her preventing contact isn't necessary. He can avoid all that, or deal with the fallout if it happens, but he chooses instead to moan to you, expect support from you, yet what can you do? Can you help them get from an adversarial relationship to working together? Do you enjoy talking about his problems? Does it give you and your baby a shot of lovely hormones, or a shot of stressful cortisol (which has long-term affects on your baby's reaction to stress, anxiety and depression. And not in a good way.) So why is he offloading to you? It's not fair on you. You don't have to put up with it.

It sounds like the ex isn't the problem, he is.

The future you have with him includes his son and by extension, his ex.

He needs his visitation sorted, he needs to get legal advice.
buy you need to accept your future isn't soley about you, him and your baby. Not easy I know.

I do think you're being slightly harsh.
He's a 3.5 year old who suddenly can't see his dad as often as he's used to, of course he's clingy.
I'm younger than you and have a 4 year old and 2 year old and can honestly say I think you're being irrational.
Maybe because you have no idea about raising a child yet so it all seems odd to you but the sons behaviour is totally normal, I actually feel really sad for him because my son would be devastated if that was his daddy.

I think you need to make more of an effort to include him with the baby etc. And remember that the birth of a sibling is a massive change and you should understand that daddy will have to deal with his son while you're dealing with the baby, my OH took over with my eldest when the youngest was born as breastfeesing etc meant I couldn't do as much with him and he needed 1-1 attention from one of us to not feel pushed out so daddy took him to the park etc and spoke about the baby and made him feel included.

Give the guy a break, he's trying to do best by his son. If the ex really is a nutter than he's probably scared if he refuses to do as she says she wi cut contact again.

*she could basically get what she wanted as bf would've had to of given due to cost eventually. Don't know if that makes sense

I know what it feels like to not have your partners children in your life because the ex feels shes punishing your dp, only then for you to enjoy not having them and enjoy not having the drama. Then wham they are back in your life again and you feel your heart sink

My dh had 50/50 contact when i met him. Within 4 months of moving in with him, it went to every other weekend. This happened because it was alot of hassle with the ex having shared custody and to be honest i couldnt cope with the behaviour of the kids who was primary school age. I told dh at the time that i couldnt cope, i was becoming depressed etc, he didnt want us to split, so he suggested eow contact.

Of course it caused uproar with dhs ex parter. However it settled to eow.

But what started to happen was that the eow contact came round very quickly. I hated it, felt awkward in my own home. Again told dh i just couldnt do it, i used to absolutely dread the weekends.

So again dh suggested having them just one day a week on the weekend, no over night visits. So i used to go out every time they come and would come back at the end of the day when they had gone home.

Im sorry to say, that if you feel like this now, your feelings towards his son and ex will never change.

It will slowly eat away at you.

I also fell pregnant 6 months after meeting dh, so i know exactly how you feel.

Its awful.

I shouldn't post on the step board really as it brings back all the awful feelings i had.

So how does he plan to deal with the issue?

Say he fixes it. You still don't like how his son acts. How are you going to deal with that?

I would love to involve his son more with the baby, but because it'll be the next thing for the ex to go mad about, stop visitation. Etc, its hard to involve him. I got my special needs brother a calendar of dates, countdowns etc and offered to do one for his son, but I don't think it'll be allowed through his front door. I doubt he will be able to even call it brother/sister to be honest

To be clear, what I was saying is that you are painting your BF as 100% right and his ex as 100% wrong, which seems naive.

Would she still get legal aid though? I thought it had changed now for only those with abusive relationships?

Well as I would with my own child, I would hope that my bf would pull him up on some things to make life easier for everyone. Say this is baby is our second and his son is our first, I would prepare them to be 'big grown up boy who needs to help mummy when the baby is here' encourage a bit of independence and when the baby is asleep give my time to them? But that's not how dad is ATM, I've asked him to work on it but guilt and what not gets in the way I suppose

You're still talking and thinking about his ex.

The calendar is a red herring. It could be kept at the child's dad's house (but, err, he's 3! Time is a different concept!)

Keep the calendar at yours.

You are making alot of assumptions about a woman you don't know. You need only concern yourself with your own home and what happens in it.

If she isn't that bothered about having the son (usually) and is a nutter why hasn't he applied to have the boy live with him?

Your expectant of a 3 year old seem quite unrealistic.

expectations