Bitten off more than I can chew..?

[misspope24]

Hi all, looking for some advice, criticism, support, whatever really!
I am 23 years old, been with my partner for 9 months who has a 3.5yo son from previous relationship and I am 6 months pregnant (huge shock, have only just come to terms with this) with his second child. I cannot fault my bf one bit, except when it comes to his ex/son's involvement.
When I met bf, he was having his son weds, fri, sat, sun nights and his ex was heavily involved, caused A LOT of dramas, rows, arguments etc (still had feelings for him, didn't want him as a bf but no one else could) and got extremely jealous when he found someone new and began making his life v.difficult. She then found a new man and calmed a little, and as my relationship with bf got more serious, he cut down having his son to every other weekend (not all of a sudden, gradually). She didn't like this at all and stopped my bf seeing his son for 3 months. It was during this time we found out we were having a baby. My bf struggled not seeing his son at all in these 3 months, I am not the sort to sit and hold his hand while he cries so instead we got out a lot in these 3 months. When she piped up and allowed my bf to start seeing his son again, I found it very hard to cope with (this may also be hormonal? I've had severe hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and it can mess hormones up so much!) as we had had 3 months without her emotional blackmail and abuse and making my bf feel like utter crap, not dreading the phone ringing etc etc... I really rejected the whole situation, as well as my bfs son, and life was very hard, especially for my bf. We decided that I should take a huge step back and when my bf has his son, I don't go along or have any involvement until I feel ready to do so. We have done this now, I got involved at one point too early and it wasn't good, and yesterday I felt more ready and we tried again and it went quite well. However, there are things im now noticing my bf do to keep the ex happy, and I don't know if I like what I see...

1. He now has to call his son 3x a week. Because she made life so difficult for quite some time, my bf got a spare phone that he can switch off as this is the only number she has for him. His son isn't bothered by these calls- he says hello and walks off pretty much, leaving her the chance to get on the phone and moan, criticize etc. If he doesn't call, shes straight on his back about it (seems she sets hoops for him to jump through and when he doesn't she can be nasty) is this right? If he said 3x a week that he wanted to call him, I wouldn't give a damn, but because shes done it, it infuriates me!

1. I feel my bf is now scared of his ex. Last night when we were getting ready to take bfs son home, I saw a different side to my bf. His mum doesn't help at all, she IS scared of bfs ex and expects us to be as well. She says ridiculous things like 'are you making sure you've followed your instructions? You must do this, this and this or she wont like it' (not sarcastic at all, her face literally full of fear for this woman) and creates the most awkward atmosphere in the process. But I saw the same fear filled face on my bf last night when we almost left without putting his sons pjs on because that's what he had to do. How and why should another woman make my bf feel like this? Another example of setting hoops...

1. THE DISNEY DAD!!!! OMG, its so irritating... again not at all helped by bfs mum. My bf cant go to the toilet without his son wanting to follow (I understand his son misses him, but surely it shouldn't be encouraged almost?) The clingier the son is, the more my bf likes it. I am so worried that when hes round our house and our baby is here, I will be expected to deal with the baby as he cant put his son down without crying. He's also very jealous and will cry if daddy is talking to someone else or doing something else and can be quite rude, but it is never picked up on by his dad, yet if it was our child, I would pick them up on the bad behaviour. Do many people find it becomes one rule for one and different for another when step children visit?

Sorry for Loooong message, needed to vent and needed some second opinions!!

Thanks

To be fair to mumandboys the first post didn't read that way. The OP said the contact was less 'as we got more serious'.

the implication being it was reduced to accomodate the new relationship.

Your BF is not a Disney dad. He is acting like a dad to his toddler. Nothing you have said suggests 'disney dad' although I hate the fucking term with a passion. But that's because I love Disney. :D

as well as 'SHE didn't like this at all and stopped my boyfriend seeing his son for three months'. Presumably, as retaliation at him having cut down from regular contact to every other weekend. Not good, I agree, but tit for tat is common and would eventually calm down if allowed to.

I'm sorry but I read contact getting less as we get more serious and HE cutting down on contact as the OP and her partner making a decision to see the child less. I am not sure how that is the ex's fault.

misspope you've contradicted yourself several times on this thread - for instance, you initially said your b/f only looked into mediation, now you're saying the mediator suggested EOW contact (after he'd been primary carer for a year?)

Your post contains a lot of issues that regularly cause a bunfight on MN - to be honest, you've had a pretty easy time of it, in my opinion

Misspope ... as long as you dont let it get to you . Theres always going to be harsh posters .

I think its more to do with words being typed instead of spoken. In Rl people have tone in their speech that doent translate on here .

And sometimes , people misread or take a different slant on what youve posted , which changes your intended meaning to somthing different.
Theyre a lovely bunch really , but ocassional flaming goes with the territory

Got advice about the visitation stuff yes as he was able to do that without involving the ex too much. But when she stopped him seeing his son for 3 months he looked into it as it meant meetings etc and she said she could get legal aid, he had to pay £100 an hour etc and all seemed very swayed in her favour

How seeing and getting advice from a mediator work if there was only him?

The question you need to ask yourself is this - can you do this? Can be happy with your bf son (& ex) being in the picture, when its good and when its shit?

And I

And can I ask why she stopped him seeing the child because she wasn't happy with reduces visits, if it was her that reduced them.

Its these confusing points that are leading people to think its a case of plain jealousy.

misspope A mediator would not have given him advice like that - - he/she would, at best, have attended an Information and Assessment Meeting (which he'd have to have paid for) and his ex would have been invited to a separate meeting, so certainly wouldn't have been left out of it. A mediator doesn't make suggestions, but helps couples reach a compromise, so either your b/f has lied to you about this, or you're being economical with the truth yourself.

Sadly, my money is on the latter. There's something more to this, I'm sure of it - your story has changed repeatedly, and you are referring to your own unborn baby in a very detached way.

I hope there isn't really a confused 3 year old out there trying to deal with this situation

Your boyfriend has allowed far too much turmoil in his sons life over the last year. As the thread goes on this poor child seems to have had to make so many changes to his life and routine.

Prior to you arriving your bf was primary carer, co-sleeping and living with his dad. Now he sees his dad eow, has to stay in a strange house as his dad decided to move into his new girlfriends grandmas house and has stopped co sleeping. He will also have to adapt to a new sibling.

You seem to thing your bf is a saint and everything is his ex's fault. He is not, he has fucked up big time over the last year and his son seems to be the least of his worries.the ex doesn't sound great either but they sound equally crap at putting their child first.

I feel so sorry for this child, he needs stability and consistency, yet neither of his parents seem able to put him first.

Being a stepparent is hard, even without the issues of a difficult ex or Disney Dad. I think you might find even if those issues disappeared, you would still be struggling. Don't be too quick to latch onto external things as the reason for your discontent.

You need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that you will always have your DSS in your life. He will not be perfect and will have flaws, like any human being. When you are resentful of his presence, these flaws will seem bigger than they are, and because your bf loves him he will easily forgive them, in a way that you cant. You have to work at being able to distinguish genuinely bad/problematic behaviour from just being a child. You have to work at establishing fair expectations with your DP, him following them through, and you spending a lot of time biting your tongue or working with your DP behind the scenes to find a good approach.

After a while it may start to become easier. As a stepparent, I honestly believe in fake it til you make it. It has done wonders for me.

Well that was what happened with this mediator he spoke to, I was present at the call, the guy gave advice to the situation and my bf and I, having never been in this situation before, went with what was said. As for her and access and that- the reason behind her stopping my bf seeing his son was totally illogical, she didn't want him a lot, then she did when it suited her, then when my bf stopped bending over backwards and put routine in place, she got the hump.
I would love to know just how many people that have commented here have been in a situation where there is no justice for fathers, hence the guy dressed as batman at Buckingham palace, because there's not. We are dealing with a 29 year old woman here who once, in front of her crying son, wouldn't let his dad have him because it meant borrowing a car seat as he had given her their car. When he said 'fair enough, ill come to get him next week' she replied 'so I have to have him ALL WEEKEND?!' And immediately handed him over at that thought.
Her new bloke has 2 boys, so it's great when she has her son and they can all go out and do 'fun stuff', but as soon as her pals call, it's inconvenient.
I came on here with 3 simple questions and now have people telling me I have attachment issues with my unborn child, and judging because I've had to move in with my NAN as I have no money for when it comes- I was on the minipill when this baby was conceived, we were careful, I bet a few of you on here weren't ready either when your child was conceived. I work 5 days a week and never claimed a penny off the government.
I've had about 4 people send me a pm on here who don't agree with everything I say but have been considerate, blunt and a little less judgemental. I'm guessing they are the ones who have lived it, who arnt afraid to say they can't cope 100% and understand what it's like to in such a mucky situation

I don't get input from people who can't relate or haven't been there. That's not everyone who's posted on here, some have given me a real good insight, good advice and good criticism, some are just out to judge and be awful I think.

Miss Pope I think you'll find there's a few on this board who have been through some of what you describe and more with regards to dads being side lined.

Trust me, everyone on this board has a problem or other to do with step parenting. Some times we don't like the advice given.

From your mediation post it sounds like you didn't have a set-up initial meeting. Maybe look in to it a bit more - it could be a way to go. Although if she won't really communicate then it won't do much good. However, it may help your bf going to an initial appointment to gage what it's about, chat to someone and listen to their advice.

Obviously I can't speak for anyone else but in my post I didn't lay any blame on you. I placed it with the parents of this young boy because they are not putting him first.

I really should have added in that you will understand when your baby arrives, but I didn't because I had many years of IF and hated when people said that you don't understand till you are a parent. But as much as I hate it, it's true. Trust me the last thing you will want for your child is for them to be in a situation like your boyfriends child is in.

It is the job of both his parents to protect him, and they are both doing the opposite.

Do not do what LadyLunchWannabe did.

To go from 50/50 to one day per week, because you could not cope - I am truly gobsmacked. Your selfishness and your partners disregard for his childrens needs is breathtaking.

The Ex went off on one - not surprised

And the poor DCs.....

Sounds like you wanted DH but sod his children, you sound like my DCs - stepmum.

OP - my 6 yr old follows me in to the toilet, sits outside the shower sometimes to chat - annoying but it will stop. Not clingy normal behaviour for a child who has suddenly had to stop seeing their Dad 50 - 90% of the time.

Am afraid you two give all the good step mums an appalling rep.

I think the main issue here is the inconsistency of the story.

Your first post give the impression that your bf reduced contact and as a result she stopped contact. You then said she reduced contact and cut it off for no reason.

You have avoided clarifying information. This leads people to think you are not being entirely truthful or changing things to make your bf sound blameless.

In turn that makes people feel sorry for the child and have more sympathy for the ex.

I think you need to grow up. What the other woman does with her time minus ds is non of your concern, the woman deserves some time to herself, and you make four day a week contact with the child's father sounds unreasonable. Why shouldn't he have him? I struggle to get my ex for a yearly visit to our ds.

I think when ur own child is born you will see how ridiculous you are making it. My bf ex causes problems occasionally, in the 9 months we've been together I have spoken to her a grand total if 0 times. Why because it's not my business. You need to grow up and accept that while you want to be put first, you can not.

I think you aren't used to children, and a whingey, clingy 3 year old is not a pleasure to be around, especially if insecure and anxious due to a revenge seeking DM.

But..... your little DSS isn't going to suddenly disappear, or suddenly go off to boarding school for years, or suddenly move abroad with his DM so, you have to learn to love him and you have to learn to do your utmost to contradict the emotional storm he is put through by his DM and make him a nice little boy. And even if you have no experience you can read up on some child rearing books and do your best, and your own DS will have a lovely older brother to play footie with, to build lego with, to go partying with when they are in their teens etc etc

Perhaps your DP could benefit from reading some child rearing advice too.

He needs to stop arguing with the ex, only agree to discuss DS and little 3 year old will grow up quickly, and then you will be able to explain what and why things are as they are, and he will be able to voice what he wants and his DM will probably have lost interest and reduced her behavior.

You are in this for the long term so start looking at it that way.Best of luck.