Bitten off more than I can chew..?

[misspope24]

Hi all, looking for some advice, criticism, support, whatever really!
I am 23 years old, been with my partner for 9 months who has a 3.5yo son from previous relationship and I am 6 months pregnant (huge shock, have only just come to terms with this) with his second child. I cannot fault my bf one bit, except when it comes to his ex/son's involvement.
When I met bf, he was having his son weds, fri, sat, sun nights and his ex was heavily involved, caused A LOT of dramas, rows, arguments etc (still had feelings for him, didn't want him as a bf but no one else could) and got extremely jealous when he found someone new and began making his life v.difficult. She then found a new man and calmed a little, and as my relationship with bf got more serious, he cut down having his son to every other weekend (not all of a sudden, gradually). She didn't like this at all and stopped my bf seeing his son for 3 months. It was during this time we found out we were having a baby. My bf struggled not seeing his son at all in these 3 months, I am not the sort to sit and hold his hand while he cries so instead we got out a lot in these 3 months. When she piped up and allowed my bf to start seeing his son again, I found it very hard to cope with (this may also be hormonal? I've had severe hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and it can mess hormones up so much!) as we had had 3 months without her emotional blackmail and abuse and making my bf feel like utter crap, not dreading the phone ringing etc etc... I really rejected the whole situation, as well as my bfs son, and life was very hard, especially for my bf. We decided that I should take a huge step back and when my bf has his son, I don't go along or have any involvement until I feel ready to do so. We have done this now, I got involved at one point too early and it wasn't good, and yesterday I felt more ready and we tried again and it went quite well. However, there are things im now noticing my bf do to keep the ex happy, and I don't know if I like what I see...

1. He now has to call his son 3x a week. Because she made life so difficult for quite some time, my bf got a spare phone that he can switch off as this is the only number she has for him. His son isn't bothered by these calls- he says hello and walks off pretty much, leaving her the chance to get on the phone and moan, criticize etc. If he doesn't call, shes straight on his back about it (seems she sets hoops for him to jump through and when he doesn't she can be nasty) is this right? If he said 3x a week that he wanted to call him, I wouldn't give a damn, but because shes done it, it infuriates me!

1. I feel my bf is now scared of his ex. Last night when we were getting ready to take bfs son home, I saw a different side to my bf. His mum doesn't help at all, she IS scared of bfs ex and expects us to be as well. She says ridiculous things like 'are you making sure you've followed your instructions? You must do this, this and this or she wont like it' (not sarcastic at all, her face literally full of fear for this woman) and creates the most awkward atmosphere in the process. But I saw the same fear filled face on my bf last night when we almost left without putting his sons pjs on because that's what he had to do. How and why should another woman make my bf feel like this? Another example of setting hoops...

1. THE DISNEY DAD!!!! OMG, its so irritating... again not at all helped by bfs mum. My bf cant go to the toilet without his son wanting to follow (I understand his son misses him, but surely it shouldn't be encouraged almost?) The clingier the son is, the more my bf likes it. I am so worried that when hes round our house and our baby is here, I will be expected to deal with the baby as he cant put his son down without crying. He's also very jealous and will cry if daddy is talking to someone else or doing something else and can be quite rude, but it is never picked up on by his dad, yet if it was our child, I would pick them up on the bad behaviour. Do many people find it becomes one rule for one and different for another when step children visit?

Sorry for Loooong message, needed to vent and needed some second opinions!!

Thanks

You need to stop thinking so much about the ex and think about what is in the best interests of this little boy. He has a right to a relationship with both parents. If your bf wants regular contact with his son - tell him to offer his ex mediation. If she doesn't agree, then I'm afraid the only other option he'd have is to go to court for a contact order.

You need to learn to detach yourself from issues with his ex. It's for him to deal with. Concentrate on your new baby and offer to support your ex if his only option is court.

I'd keep regular 3x weekly contact with his son because he's so little. If ex comes on the phone having a go he needs to hang up.

They are always going to be in contact to a degree as they share a child. With the phone calls he needs to make it clear that unless it's to do with their son then there's no reason to speak.

I met bf a while before anything became official really. I suppose if you count from when we dated we've been together over a year, 3 months into our actual relationship I fell pregnant. She's still unaware of this though

here it is. You asked "have i bitten off more than i can chew"

In short, yes. He has a child and you seem to be using his ex as the reason you are unhappy. Your first post indicates that you don't like the boys behaviour as well as the ex's. Nor do you like how you ex acts around his son.

Buy its too late now you are forever tied to this man and by extension to this woman.

You can't make him do anything. You can only dictate your own actions. If you are going to spend the rest of your life getting upset over her, its not going to be pleasant.

I agree with what someone said about the upkeep etc of going to court... I suppose its not as easy as going to court and get definite answers.

That should say you don't like how you bf acts around his son.

Yes I agree with feeling try to think if this child on the sane level as your own little baby because that's what he is to your dp.
Poor little boy has had so much to contend with in his shirt life it's no wonder he's clingy.
Before you have kids 3 seems quite old but when you have your own 3yr old you will realise this little boys behaviour is normal.
My nearly 3yr old is full on hard work all day and needs our attention most of the day.
Try not to think of him as "the child with his ex" and more as "his son, your baby's sibling" try to act in the best way for your own family and that includes your dps son whether you like it or not.

But after reading other threads on here, no one seems to like this Disney dad idea, it's not just me.

It's a guilt thing when dads live away from their kids maybe? All I wanted to know is are children treated differently when one lives with you full time and one doesn't?

My bf needs a back bone where his ex is concerned. But if he stands up to her he gets no access- vicious circle.
He could take it to court but even then she may not stick to it

His Ex will not qualify for legal aid unless there us documented evidence of abuse. If she is currently getting legal aid, it means that your boy friend is abusive.

How is he "Disney dad?" Because he's kind and loving to him?
How would you like him to be?

I will/do treat him like that. It was only briefly when I I couldn't really accept I was having a child that I couldn't accept anyone else's too. But a little further down the line I've come to accepting it and am back to normal with my bfs son too. As said before, I would love to involve him with this baby, but ATM its not doable really for his own sake as his mother will take his dad away again

She qualified last year before the new rules came into practice as she was on benefits. I believe the rules have changed now? He can deff try for mediation now, but what do u do if she won't go because she has to pay?

I live with my dc full time, I am a lone parent, their father has little practical involvement. I was/am with my kids as you describe your DP as being with his ds. It doesn't sound like Disney Parenting to me, just loving attached parenting. People who don't yet have their own dc often have unrealistic expectations of children and their parents.

EOW is a pathetic amount of contact IMO

But isn't this usually the 'standard' arrangement?

Misspope .... his ex is a bit of a nightmare
now , she is going to be 10x worse when she finds out your pg .

The wee boy , lets call him your dss (easier to follow than bf son , and he is your babys brother ) .

Dss is clingy because his mum has mucked his visits to his dad about . He will settle down .

Best thing to do with the ex is to avoid contact with her as much as possible and remain polite if you cant avoid.

Dont ever bad mouth her infront of dss , or allow your bf to either . Shes still dss mum, he doesnt need to hear that. When hes older he will appreciate that itself .

Your calender idea , is sweet ..but keep it at yours for dss , his mum would probably think negatively about it .

When things get to much for you ( and tbh those pg hormones cant be helping ) , its ok to detach yourself a little bit . You can always join in with fun things and leave the dramas to bf to sort out .

Doesn't make it right though petal
I know a lot of decent blokes who have their kids far more frequently.

I agree that eow seems to be the most common visitation for split parents, especially if dads work all week, don't live close enough to drop them to school etc. plus usually mums want them at weekends too so you have to share.

No we don't talk about his mum when he's about, and as you said things will be 10x worse so we can't tell him- the longer we can prolong things getting worse then of course the better. The only reason we would've sent the calender home is because he's not allowed here and both agree he needs preparation for this baby arriving. He will think its a random baby, not daddies baby if he's not told and will find having his dad occupied by it as well as him really tough.

how would you you send the calendar home if she doesn't know? You only have 12 weeks to tell him and give him time to understand. The fact you have hidden it, is not going to make her anymore amenable.

It might help you a bit to cope with dss , if
you dont think about him being bf or his exs child , but as your child sibling .

Sounds barking mad , but it can help you focus on the fact that your baby has a brother who will adore him . Try and get a
friendship with the wee boy . Do that and you wont find it so hard when the ex plays her games .

Btw small boys love food fights , I once made crispy cakes with my dss when he was little ...by the end we were both covered in chocolate and laughing our heads off .

Step parenting is hard ( usually down to exs or finances ) , but you can get a lot of fun out of it too.

Legal aid is still available for Mediation, just not Court.

It's based on household income.

I did the calendar a couple weeks back for my brother and said to bf 'should we do one for (son) too?' Wasn't until we had quite an in depth discussion and reflected on events up until now it was a bad idea

Petal it may well be the 'standard arrangement' but we have a situation here where a father has reduced his contact on the say-so of his new partner and her needs (as I read it anyway). Shared care was too much for her so it was reduced. Cue mum getting fed up and kicking off. I mean, how dare she expect her ex to jointly-parent a child they made together?!

OP - you are being ridiculous and I suspect are going to have a difficult life which will, eventually, culminate in two children living without their father. When that happens, you'll probably find you get on very well with the ex.

Mumandboys .... the ex was mucking about with the contact .

The op was stressed about it .
Shes pg , and new to the "step thing " , and they are living with her relatives.

Its a bit muddy situation , but op hasnt demanded her bf drop his sons visits .

Well you've read it wrong then.
The ex was single and went out on the piss 3/4 times a week
My then single bf had his son every time she went out as, and he will tell you this, she walked all over him and knew by going out, he couldn't and he had to sit at home where she wanted him
We met and he still had his son 3/4 a week for about 3 months, during this time I met his son once.
We then started a relationship where he still had him this amount of time. 4 days after we got into a relationship his ex did the same and my bf saw his son some Fridays, most Saturdays - her choice! (Up until this point can I add they shared a car, my bf then gave her the car and had no vehicle so having him during week/Sundays was an issue with work the next morning)
She then wanted her son Fridays more but would call my bf up at 10/11pm weds or thurs etc and tell him to come Collect him by train and take him home again by train and drop him off again tomorrow am by train as she was missing out on going out. If he didn't age would stop weekend access.
My bf wanted more reliable and consistent access without threats so he could plan things with his son, me etc so asked a mediator who suggested eow.
Where's the part I said I didn't want it?

Thank you Droves! Just because people don't see eye to eye on here you literally get cyber murdered. People can be as harsh to me as they like, I accept criticism and needed to hear some to be honest. But please read what I've said properly before turning on me!
Hate the way things get turned around over text, can never explain properly.

you quite clearly state in your original post 'HE cut down....' NOT she.