Bitten off more than I can chew..?

[misspope24]

Hi all, looking for some advice, criticism, support, whatever really!
I am 23 years old, been with my partner for 9 months who has a 3.5yo son from previous relationship and I am 6 months pregnant (huge shock, have only just come to terms with this) with his second child. I cannot fault my bf one bit, except when it comes to his ex/son's involvement.
When I met bf, he was having his son weds, fri, sat, sun nights and his ex was heavily involved, caused A LOT of dramas, rows, arguments etc (still had feelings for him, didn't want him as a bf but no one else could) and got extremely jealous when he found someone new and began making his life v.difficult. She then found a new man and calmed a little, and as my relationship with bf got more serious, he cut down having his son to every other weekend (not all of a sudden, gradually). She didn't like this at all and stopped my bf seeing his son for 3 months. It was during this time we found out we were having a baby. My bf struggled not seeing his son at all in these 3 months, I am not the sort to sit and hold his hand while he cries so instead we got out a lot in these 3 months. When she piped up and allowed my bf to start seeing his son again, I found it very hard to cope with (this may also be hormonal? I've had severe hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and it can mess hormones up so much!) as we had had 3 months without her emotional blackmail and abuse and making my bf feel like utter crap, not dreading the phone ringing etc etc... I really rejected the whole situation, as well as my bfs son, and life was very hard, especially for my bf. We decided that I should take a huge step back and when my bf has his son, I don't go along or have any involvement until I feel ready to do so. We have done this now, I got involved at one point too early and it wasn't good, and yesterday I felt more ready and we tried again and it went quite well. However, there are things im now noticing my bf do to keep the ex happy, and I don't know if I like what I see...

1. He now has to call his son 3x a week. Because she made life so difficult for quite some time, my bf got a spare phone that he can switch off as this is the only number she has for him. His son isn't bothered by these calls- he says hello and walks off pretty much, leaving her the chance to get on the phone and moan, criticize etc. If he doesn't call, shes straight on his back about it (seems she sets hoops for him to jump through and when he doesn't she can be nasty) is this right? If he said 3x a week that he wanted to call him, I wouldn't give a damn, but because shes done it, it infuriates me!

1. I feel my bf is now scared of his ex. Last night when we were getting ready to take bfs son home, I saw a different side to my bf. His mum doesn't help at all, she IS scared of bfs ex and expects us to be as well. She says ridiculous things like 'are you making sure you've followed your instructions? You must do this, this and this or she wont like it' (not sarcastic at all, her face literally full of fear for this woman) and creates the most awkward atmosphere in the process. But I saw the same fear filled face on my bf last night when we almost left without putting his sons pjs on because that's what he had to do. How and why should another woman make my bf feel like this? Another example of setting hoops...

1. THE DISNEY DAD!!!! OMG, its so irritating... again not at all helped by bfs mum. My bf cant go to the toilet without his son wanting to follow (I understand his son misses him, but surely it shouldn't be encouraged almost?) The clingier the son is, the more my bf likes it. I am so worried that when hes round our house and our baby is here, I will be expected to deal with the baby as he cant put his son down without crying. He's also very jealous and will cry if daddy is talking to someone else or doing something else and can be quite rude, but it is never picked up on by his dad, yet if it was our child, I would pick them up on the bad behaviour. Do many people find it becomes one rule for one and different for another when step children visit?

Sorry for Loooong message, needed to vent and needed some second opinions!!

Thanks

He's not actually allowed to ours through her choice

This was something she wanted after not allowing his dad to see him for 3 months. It's because we live with a member of my family I think.

Try this a different way.

You have an ex. He has a new gf who within a few months is pregnant and they're living together. You don't know her. You don't know if their house is child-friendly or full of glass tables and jaggy ornaments. It's only been a few months so she could be a fling, they split and your son won't see AuntiePope any more. Are you happy that your young child, too young to keep themselves safe or understand why AuntiePope and daddy don't live together any more is a big part of your son's life?

Involving your DSS with the new baby doesn't need to involve sending things about it home with him to his mum

My DS was 3.5 when DD was born - he enjoyed looking at pictures from my NCT book, talking about the baby, coming with me to the midwife and having a go at listening to the heartbeat, feeling my tummy, choosing utterly stupid names, etc. You could do all this with your DSS without his mum having any involvement.

And he won't need to "call" it brother or sister - he'll refer to the baby by name won't he? You can refer to it as his brother or sister. The ex can do what she likes. Better to focus on the things you can do rather than getting stressed about what you can't change

Think you've all read to much into the calender idea... It was mainly a gesture at my ex who saw me put this together for a very excited little boy who to be honest doesn't understand it either, but enjoys crossing of the days that go by til it's here. I thought after the issues previously it showed I wanted his son involved and prepare him for it.

misspope that's not how mediation works! You don't keep attending if one parent refuses to engage or compromise - a mediator would soon see through that!

I don't think your b/f has made it easy for himself - the choices he has made has provided his DS mum with lots of issues she can raise. But, mediation is the first step to rebuilding his co parenting relationship with his ex - it will take time and effort, but his DS will be far better off if he can achieve that.

It sounds like you're worried that your b/f's ongoing struggle to be a parent to his older DS will impact on the time/commitment he can put into your baby - and yes, you are right to be worried about that, because high-conflict parenting is exhausting, time consuming and expensive. The DCs are often damaged in the crossfire and become more challenging and demanding as well.

But the alternative is that your b/f turns his back on his older DS - and I'm guessing that isn't the kind of man you want as a father to your DC?

Of course he won't address the baby as brother or sister! Plus no you shouldn't assume, but going by previous actions and responses to things much much smaller than a baby coming along, you can judge how a person ie his ex is going to react to this!
So no we can't involve him in all the normal things a parent would do, I doubt he will be allowed to associate with this baby in all honesty

When you say you live with a family member, who is it? Is it your home and they are staying? Or are you staying with them?

and does this boy even have somewhere to sleep if he was to stay over?

It's my nans house which is very big, 2 of everything so we have separate lounge, bathroom etc and yes he has somewhere to sleep here. It's very temporary and we will be out in 8 weeks. We had nothing when we found out the baby was coming and my bf rented a 1 bed flat. Rather than renew the tenancy a family member took us in so we had an opportunity to get some money together

He has stayed here plenty of times before and it wasn't an issue as her night out was on the line if my bf couldn't have him. He has more room here than he does anywhere and loves it with the dog and chickens. It only became an issue with the ex recently, no reason given other than 'he's not allowed'

I think it sounds like you thoroughly enjoyed the freedom when he wasn't allowed to see his ds and got the hump when it was reinstated.

I think you have ridiculously high expectations of a child that is little more than a toddler.

She doesn't sound great but tbh you don't sound much better. Poor kid.

misspope So where did your b/f's DS sleep when he was co parented by both his parents? You said he was with your b/f four nights a week at one time?

If you genuinely want support, it's best not to gloss over the facts that you aren't comfortable with; you can make the difference to a little boys life right now.

The only thing that's given me the hump is the drama the ex causes when she allows my bf to see him. He is more than welcome with us, I want him involved with the baby and ofc his dad, I just want normality to be honest. But when someone unpredictably throws spanners in the works weekly changing their mind, it is a much nicer world when they are quiet for 3 months (the ex before you jump to conclusions, not the son) so when they come back on the scene (the ex) and cause more problems, rows and awkwardness again, it is a huge shock to the system yes. It's almost as if she gets a luck from doing it, cos she doesn't put the child first, she puts herself first or she wouldn't of thrown toys out the pram and stopped the dad seeing his son for 3 months in the first place.

I can see why she isn't happy, tbh. I wouldn't be either. She may difficult, but he needs to sort her. There seems to be alot of excuses as to why this is not his fault.

Fwiw I wouldn't be happy with my child staying over at my exs new gf grans house.

He slept with his dad in his dads bed while I was on the sofa bed, and occasionally in his dads bed and his dad would join me on the sofa. I didn't involve myself with bfs son for about 2/3 months- I would go round when he was with his mum or in bed until we became more serious.

I'm sorry and I know this sounds harsh but I think you need to grow up pretty quickly. You knowingly got involved with a man who is a Dad. Once you have a child, they become the top priority no matter whether you still love or live with their mum. Your dp may be frightened of his ex - it's all about access. Legally things need to be determined so your dh can see his little boy without fear this can withdrawn. He sounds like a Dad who cares for his child, as he will your baby, be glad of that and don't make him feel torn between you and his past life. I also think your attitude of staying away from a confused toddler as rather immature and sad, even despite your hormones. You need to be the grown up here and welcome this little boy - kids pick up on tension and he will feel yours. You don't have to replace his Mummy of course but become his friend and do the right thing.

So why isn't he trying to joint/sole custody?

But him staying here wasn't an issue until there was nothing left to be an issue if that makes sense?

misspope24

Sorry to be harsh, but you knew this man had children when you got into a relationship with him.

He's an innocent 3 yr old who didn't ask to be born. EOW is a pathetic amount of contact IMO.

His ex may or may not be a nutter.

But it's none of your business, so stop making it your business. It's up to your ex not you.

If he had his son 4 days a week when you got together who the hell are you to say you don't like it.

I feel sorry for this kid in the firing line of some jealous hormoanal stranger. Which is what you are.

The amount of contact is not up to you. End of. If you don't like it they you should have thought about that before you decided to have unprotected sex with him and have a relationship with him.

You are an adult that had a choice. His 3yr old son has never had a choice. Get a little empathy stop being so immature and remember that.

For what it's worth I have 50:50 custody with XH if a random woman come around whining about the amount he had DS. He'd tell her to do one, so would I. Doesn't make me a nutter.

And my partner has a child, I have nothing to do with his ex and treat his child with kindness and respect and would never ever ever dream of telling him I didn't like his kid being around. He is his child, he pre dates me and comes FIRST. All the time everytime.

These posts make me so depressed

But what about before you came on the scene? Was he co-sleeping with his Dad? Did your b/f ever live with his DS mum? How long have they been apart?

I agree that something legal needs to be put in place. She can no longer threaten him then, nor will he live in fear of her taking him away

I am confused. You have been together 9 months and are 6 months pg. He didn't see his son for 3 months and you stayed away from the boy for 2/3 months. So he stopped seeing him around the time you got pg is that correct?

If she's a nutter, as you say, then a court order will make no difference to her and what do you expect to happen if she does break it?
Can your b/f afford to keep taking her back to court? Even if he represents himself, he'll need time off work and hours of preparation for each hearing.

This may never get better - it's highly unlikely that you'll ever have the normality that you want.

Before I came along, he had been single a year. Before that his son had his own bedroom and still does now with his mum. Before I came along he shared his dads bed and still did after I came along realiy