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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you feel about your step kids? Honestly

140 replies

jenniferlawrence · 01/12/2013 18:21

Just wondering to what extent other step parents have managed to bond and build a loving relationship with the step kids.

I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter.

So, how do you honestly feel about your step kids?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

IThoughtThat · 07/12/2013 01:23

You have to wonder what the step children would write if they were asked to be honest about what they thought of their step parents

BritInTDot · 07/12/2013 02:14

Poor dsc

Mumallthetime · 07/12/2013 07:27

You have to wonder what the step children would write if they were asked to be honest about what they thought of their step parents

Honesty is not a virtue my DSC possess

but their actions speak for themselves; I am in no doubt of their true feelings towards me.

apachepony · 07/12/2013 22:20

If my dsd were being honest - conflicted feelings, sometimes likes me, sometimes resents me. Has in the past said she loves me, but I don't know about now.
Funny thing these step families. Sometimes it feels the best protection is not to feel too much

alikat724 · 08/12/2013 21:37

Thank you OP for this thread! I came looking for support tonight, having a very tough time as DH wants DSS 15 to move in and I just...can't. Our marriage has stumbled from crisis to crisis for 4 years and I know that adding DSS to the mix full time would just be too much. He's a nice enough kid, I thought at the outset that things would be very different as I had lots of good intentions but it's all come to nought in the end. apachepony as you say, conflicted feelings on both sides. Hats off to all posters who have made it work, it's bloody hard to do at all, let alone well!

annielouisa · 08/12/2013 23:53

I have read this thread and reslised our family must be pretty odd. I have 2 bio DD and 2 DSD and 2 DSS. I love them all they are all now adults. I think perhaps our family were helped in bonding by all DC being NC with the other parent.

We were never the Waltons but I think we were seen as the loving parents who always put the DC first.

apachepony · 09/12/2013 08:22

I think being nc with the other parent makes a huge difference. Then it seems it can almost be like adoption

ProbablyJustGas · 09/12/2013 09:26

I love my dsd, but like other posters, I can be away from her for ages and not really miss her. I think this has gotten stronger since I had my own daughter a few weeks ago - in contrast, I get upset at the thought of leaving my own baby for a few hours.

In fact, dsd ended up spending extra time with us during my husband's paternity leave, so that she could bond with our new baby, and for the first time, I really resented her presence. It wasn't like she was badly behaved - she was golden child as usual. But I felt like she was in the way.

And in the meantime, she will always see me as an interloper. I spoke to her last week about how I grew up and built my own family. And she corrected me and said that I came into what she and dad already had. In her eyes, I will always be a member of this household because she let me, not because I put in any life changing effort.

Feeling a bit bitter. Dsd extra time in the house was neither my idea nor choice.

MrsWickens · 09/12/2013 10:20

I don't like them. They are not nice children. If they were friends of my children they would not be allowed in the house because of their behaviour, attitude and bad manners.

ReluctantStepMum · 09/12/2013 18:38

I dislike them intensely, and now I dislike my husband because he is a bloody Disney dad who has just ruined 9 years of being loved intensely. They live with us ft and are 16 and 18. He doesn't realise what he has spoilt, cos we were nearly there, going to live the dream. Now he can take a hike.

KepekCrumbs · 09/12/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moxiegirl · 09/12/2013 19:44

I get on well with dsd (15) and bite my tongue when she irritates me. She is here 50:50 whereas my ds is here all the time (eldest dd lives away from home now). I think we get on well as I don't try and parent her, I leave it to dp - although she is a good girl anyway and any irritation is just normal teen stuff. I don't love her though and wouldn't expect to although I do care about her.

Weegiemum · 09/12/2013 19:48

I'm a stepchild.

I have a fabulous relationship with my stepmom. She's been my "mum" since I was 14. Apart from calling her by her first name, everything else about our relationship is pure mother/daughter.

It is possible!

HopAndSkipAlong · 09/12/2013 20:03

I am a step child too, have got with my step dad since about 17 after some tricky years in teens, I think it's easier with a step dad as they don't get as emotional and involved so just get on with things and there's less arguments (in my experience anyway!)
I still can't stand my step mum. It's been interesting reading your posts to see things from her point of view. I think it just always felt like she'd rather not have me and my brother around - it made our dad's house seem more like a relatives house where you're on edge rather than home.

Now she suddenly makes more of an effort since DD was born, funnily enough she barely speaks to my brother with no children..!

needaholidaynow · 09/12/2013 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamuss · 09/12/2013 20:22

I don't like mine. I really struggle. Teen sd who is rude nasty selfish and her father allows it. It makes me resent them both. My ss is not so bad but had real behaviour issues cause his mother doesn't parent very well. And we end up trying to sort his behaviour at the weekends. I have a young son of my own and I could never love my step children in that way :-( wish it was different

missmargot · 09/12/2013 20:26

I like my step child, even more so now he is older and talks to me more. I care for him very much and will always do the best I can for him, but I don't miss him when he's not here and I'm not sure I love him.

MsColour · 13/12/2013 12:34

Honestly, very mixed feelings. He is fun to have around, gets on great with my dcs. I love him for being him and because I love my dp and they come together.

But it isn't the unconditional love I have for my own children who I can forgive anything. I dislike the way his mum treats him like the world revolves around him so dislike it when he behaves in a spoilt way. I sometimes resent him for things that aren't his fault e.g the fact that we are financially supporting him when my own dc get no financial support from their dad.

Sometimes i'm glad when it's just my own dcs here. But when we haven't had him for a few days I miss him.

trooperlooperdo · 13/12/2013 12:35

Can't stand the eldest. her attitude stinks, she's a bully, incredibly lazy and 99% of the time she's downright rude. I can take or leave the youngest, she's also very very lazy and has the occaisional lapse into behaving like her older sister, but she's not a bully.

lockie1983 · 13/12/2013 16:54

I love him madly. Think the absolute world of him. Do everything I can to make sure he feels loved, appreciated and part of our family. He has been in my life for 8 years.

In fact, I recently had a baby (six months ago) and didn't feel an instant bond with him. This rubbish about loving your own more than your step kids haunted the first difficult weeks of having the baby and contributed to pnd.

I tearfully told my husband and HV that I was ashamed for loving dss more than my baby ... Luckily, they reminded me that I have love dss for 8 years, and the baby for only a few weeks.

I feel pretty lucky that I love them both so much after seeing other peoples replies.

newbiestepmum · 14/12/2013 22:51

Great for the tiny minority who do deel a bond which they feel equals that of biological mother/child.

However, for me the realisation that I am not abnormal for not feeling this magical bond, has also been a huge weight off my shoulders. My husband made me feel guilty for not automatically bonding with SD, or even feeling the love that I feel for my nieces. I knew my nieces from birth, bottle fed them etc etc. Whereas I have known my SD nearly 2 years and at age 12 she is a little lady, not a dependant baby/toddler who you feel needs you and is connected to you.

Reading the book 'stepmonster' was the first time I let myself of that hook and it did me the world of good.

I still get annoyed at those pictures doing the rounds on social media about how amazing stepmums are because they love their step kids as their own. Sounding their own trumpet - good for them if they genuinely feel that way but perhaps it's more of a tool for self assurance than the whole truth?

My SD is lovely in so many ways. The less than lovely bits can be attributed to an over indulgent mother who has her priorities in life skewed (i e money is more important than anything else and hard work is to be avoided at all costs). Not the way I would bring up my own children which makes the bonding process all the harder IMHO.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep on keeping on!

shey02 · 23/12/2013 01:41

I think maybe the 'love' part might need to be reciprocal and the 'bond' part is perhaps formed by doing/taking care of and responsibility for them and them to a degree of you, other family members and the house... I had a great relationship with my ex-bf ds, I would say I loved him and although he never said it, I think he loved me to. We shared good family time and just chilled like a normal family would.

FF to my new life and new partner and much as I want to have a relationship with my boyfriends dc, we spend so little time together that every time is like starting again and I worry that bonds will never form. It needs time and effort and reciprocation and normality. Plus when kids are coached to hate you for no reason, I wonder if there's any hope anyway.

TinselTaTas · 23/12/2013 05:48

I do a lot for dsd who we have 50/50, I don't love her though I care about her. No idea how she feels about me, 1 minute she's all over me and the next hates me.

When she's here 3/4 days on the trot I find myself going out on errands just to avoid her. It's her dad she's here to see it's not my job to be around 24/7.

Loveineveryspoonful · 23/12/2013 10:08

Clingons?
Wish I could share this pun with dh, he's a massive Star Trek fan ;)

Of course its lovely to see kids hug their dads (or wrestle when they're too manly to hug, as ds with his dad), but I don't think any sm is that stupid to not be able to tell the difference between a genuine hug that's given with love, and a clingyness that simply suggests "naff off, he's mine" in no uncertain terms.

Would love to hear from those sms who have open, honest, great relationships with their dsc where territorial clinging beyond the age of 2 or 3 is not a problem.
What do your dps do different? (I'm pretty sure its a reaction caused by vagueness in dads whose uncertainty in new relationships make their dc feel uneasy too, but could be wrong...).

LoodleDoodle · 27/12/2013 16:24

Delurking here. Honestly? I loathe mine, with a passion. Spoiled, difficult, nasty to my DD. One is more likeable, I care for her although it isn't love. The elder is vile, vile, at 11. Not their fault, their mother truly is vile, and it's learnt behaviour. They'll never know how I feel about them, but honestly? I count down the minutes till they're gone.

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