How do you feel about your step kids? Honestly

[jenniferlawrence]

Just wondering to what extent other step parents have managed to bond and build a loving relationship with the step kids.

I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter.

So, how do you honestly feel about your step kids?

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

Great thread. I have dss10 who is lovely but feels pressure from his mum to dislike me and dp. Dsd8 on the other hand is just a nightmare . I've tried for 4 years to make things as smooth as possible for her , every time I think we have cracked it. Bam she goes back to mum with a whole load of bizarre allegations . I've come to the conclusion sadly that they arnt my problem anymore.

[Digitallife27]

Up and down.

She's okay most of the time but then picks up bad habits from her mum's house which means any training we do (hand hygiene, toilet stuff, table manners etc) goes out the window.

[NorthernSpirit]

Today i’m In a bad place.

2 (almost 10 & 13). Younger boy absolutely fine. Older girl influenced by her mum (who hates my OH). It’s absolutely thankless. Hardly get acknowledged by the daughter.

I’ve decided to disengage for my own sanity.

[funinthesun18]

I love my SD, not like I love my own but we are very close and she's a lovely girl. She annoys me at times but then all kids are annoying!
Her mum is the part of stepparenting that I despise and I find her very frustrating. I've often thought of leaving my partner so I don't have to have anything to do with his ex anymore but that wouldn't be fair on our family.

[Sessy19]

I just don’t like mine all that much. It’s inevitable that, the longer this goes on, and the more time they spend with their mother, the more like her they become.

Sadly my OH is also realising that they are just never going to be like him. He doesn’t get to see them enough. The court order mandates EOW/E, but SS11 is coming barely once a month and is obnoxious and remote when he does come.

SD8 is fine. But she’s boring. Sorry. She’s got zero imagination and she dull. I guess it’s just her age.

I tried so hard for 4yrs to be what I thought everyone (including me) expected of me in terms of stepparenting, but in the end I had a break down last year and I detached and got therapy and learned that being OHs girlfriend and myself was all that was necessary. I can’t try to ‘win’ these children over.

I hope that, when OH and I have our own baby together next year, that the growing relationship between the SK and my DC will develop some emotion in me for them. But I equally couldn’t really care less (for me, not for OH of course) if they decide to never visit my home again.

Sad state of affairs.

[Pardalis]

I love my step children. I am not their mother but I am a parent to them. I want them to be happy, secure and loved. They are children and need to be loved unconditionally by the parents in their life.
I was a step child, and the damage of an indifferent sm was awful. But it has made me a better sm myself. I would never put any child through what I went through.

This thread has really upset me. I feel for all the kids involved who are treated like a spare part, unwelcome and unloved and who are not getting the nurturing they need. It's not their fault that their parent's relationship ended

[moodance]

At times they depress me ... I can't actually see my DH in them ... @NorthernSpirit ... normally you are the strong step mum on these posts. I do hope you are okay!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It has changed a lot over time, I’ve known my three step daughters for 9 years.

At first I was interested in them, liked and respected them. I cared for them and felt invested in their wellbeing.

DSD1, the oldest, I don’t really like anymore. I’m disappointed in how she’s developed into an adult who does very little. I find her lazy, rude, resentful, passive aggressive and manipulative.

DSD2 is very capable, self sufficient and smart. I like her, but I’m sad she has not bonded with me. However I know why she hasn’t, she’s very socially savvy and knows how to get the most out if her Mum and Dad, and liking me is something she does in secret so as not to go against her Mum and DD1. I feel I helped her grow and that’s a nice feeling, even if no one, not even DP sees it.

DSD3 is vulnerable and needy, I have the most feelings of protectiveness for her, but I’m no longer any part of her life and feel rejected by her in particular. She is very immature, passive and insular and doesn’t do anything that means making any effort which unfortunately includes speaking to me or her half brother.

So overall I’m not that impressed with my step daughters if I’m honest! It’s all been a total one way street, which has got more extreme with time. I made a huge effort and it’s very sad that they haven’t made any effort back. This is partly their nature and partly their mothers poison.

[laloup1]

Mine is a four year old girl who I’ve known for three years. It’s up and down. Mostly ups - we have a nice bond and have good times together. She has many great qualities - among others, she is humorous and energetic and kind.
Some downs - we’ve been at a lot of family stuff this last few weeks and when there’s a lot of other people around I really get reminded of my place in her pecking order.
So I’m trying to be a little more wise about how I manage my expectations so it’s less painful for me when she disengages.
I’ve supported her dad in a lot of horrendous stuff with her Mum. And we are continually dealing with the psychological manipulation she undergoes from her Mum so things have been pretty heavy.
She doesn’t really (and hopefully never will) know everything I’ve done and do for her to try and give her a chance of growing up with some normality in her life and understanding what ‘normal’ family life is.
All that aside I confess I’m completely terrified of the teenage years to come!!

[whiteonesugar]

I love them both. DSS is almost 18 and DSD is 15. They have been challenging though and since becoming teenagers we rarely see them. We had a horrible year with them last year, a lot of bitterness which was basically miscommunication. They don't / didn't like the rules at our house!

I have been in their lives for 10 years, and we were close when they were younger and contact was regular and consistent. I used to say I loved them like they were my own. But then I had my own. And now I know I don't. It doesn't take away from the fact i do love them, but its not the same. They are great brother and sister to my DS (3) when they are with him, but DSS has his own baby now, and DSD is rarely around as she has a social life and boyfriend etc so DS doesn't see them a lot and this has hurt me at bit as he worships the ground they walk on.

DH speaks to them a lot but we dont see them much anymore which is a real shame. They each have a bedroom at our house and are always included in everything as we are a family. I just dont think they see our side as family in the same sense they do with their mum's side.

[M00nUnit]

I feel a lot of love and affection for mine - I've known them for 6 years and they're with us most Sundays and a lot during the holidays. We get on really well and they've both told they love me in the past. But they're increasingly obsessed with watching youtube videos/playing games on their phones whilst wearing earphones. For the last 2 years or so I've found it a lot harder to engage with them or find things for us to do together that they're interested in. They came to stay with us last week for half term and even when my nieces (whom they've met several times before and even been on holiday with, but hadn't seen in about a year) came to visit they stayed 'plugged in' and mostly ignored them.

[Popsicle434544]

Have 2 disc, dad is 15 we have always had a close relationship, I love the bones of her, lately though if found out she has been bad mouthing me, saying hurtful thing about me, it's broke my heart to be honest and if had to detatch myself.

With dss, he is 13, I have always met his needs, listens if he needs but we have never connected, he has aspergers and hes like a closed book, there has been times when iv dread him being here.
This last wknd though, dad was away on a stag do and he decided himself he still wanted his wknd here, with just me and we had a great time, had a laugh and I really warmed to him, I'm so Hoping it builds from here

[Popsicle434544]

Pls excuse mistakes, damn predictive txt

[Wdigin2this]

Most divorced fathers of daughters, see them through p, rose tinted glasses! Fact!

[VikingBlonde]

I love mine (5&8DSDs) dearly but I have noticed that in DP's garden I am a lot more predisposed to the flowers I've planted over the rather tasteless shrubs etc that DP's XP planted. I often "move them to a better spot" and replace with something far prettier hahaha

Ooo hark at me "Rather tasteless!!" Miaow!!!

[Chew2]

I would have to say I don't love them. I find them hard work, generally miserable, immature, lazy, under-developed and dis-respectful. I know this is not their fault as it all stems from their mother and unfortunately they are turning into their mothers. Myself and my dp try our hardest when we are with them, he has them every day he is not at work as they do not live close by, but as soon as they return to their mothers they regress. I feel really sorry for them as their mother does nothing with them. My dp has done all the basic learning and development needs but obviously they are delayed in most aspects as he cannot do it continously round the clock. Although I will say when I look after them they are well behaved and mostly with my dp, although he is softer with them in certain ways.
I don't miss them when they aren't here and so happy that they are starting to not want to stay here as much. We discipline and have rules, at their house they get to stay up late, eat whatever they want (the eldest is overweight and we are trying to encourage healthy eating) and there is absolutely no discipline.
I care for them because my dp cares for them but if i wasn't with him, I wouldn't bother with them at all 😑

[Rachie1973]

I've had mine 15 years lol. We had residency of them when I moved in with my own kids.

The older one is a girl, she's just 15 years younger than me and we got on a like a house on fire from the start, she's 30 now and we socialise and are pretty much great friends. Her son is my 'grandson' and it a close, loving relationship.

The other one though OMG lol. He was 8 when I moved in. We hated each other. I tried SO hard, but it's difficult when his natural Mum is drip drip dripping in his ear about how awful I am, and how my DH loves my kids more than him, etc. He once actually tried to push me down the stairs on a moving bus with my 2 year old in my arms, that's when I realised he would sooner I died, than stayed with his Dad! I once asked what exactly I could do to make him happier. He told me 'Move out'.

I don't really know when exactly it changed but I stuck it out, and I treated him like I treated my own. One day though he seemed to suddenly come to me, as a confidante, rather than his Mum. And when he got his girlfriend pregnant at 18 he asked me for my advice and how to do things.

I've sat at these kids beds when they've been sick, I cried when he took illegal drugs and we thought he was going to die. I've mopped up their sick from alcohol, and paid to insure cars they couldn't drive otherwise. To all intents and purposes, they are MY kids, I'm not their Mum, she's around, she's involved, but I raised them.

3 years ago I got a Mothers Day card from him. A big one lol. It apologised for the years 'I was a shit, and made you hurt inside'. No warning it was coming, and I cried like a baby.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@rachie that’s pretty poignant and lovely, the Mother’s Day card. Bit shocked about the pushing down the stairs with your two year old though! Not sure I’d have taken that well!

I’ve cleaned up my DSDs sick numerous times, got nits out from DSD1s hair and looked after her when after an accident her mouth bled all day.

They treat me as if I didn’t exist! Yet I did raise them too.

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

Haven't rtft. Most of the time I love her to bits and really enjoy her company. Other times I find the whole experience quite overwhelming. I suffer with a lot of health issues (physical and mental) so sometimes I just find the constantness of it all really hard. By that I mean either I'm doing my own thing or if I'm with DSD either by myself or with DP, she just talks non stop and DP and I barely get a minutes peace.

And then I feel really guilty because honestly I do love her and it's fantastic she's chatting so much (she's been seeing a SALT for years) it's just exhausting. Does that even make sense?

[Digitallife27]

@Chew2 snap!

[thefudgeling]

Glad someone started this thread, it has been a therapeutic read. Known my dsds for 15 yrs, and have always treated them as my own, andwe had a great relationship. But they are 20 now and driving me mad! Trying hard to be detached!

[RhubarbandGin]

I absolutely love my DSD (11) and DSS(16) and I can't imagine life with out them, I really do love them as much as my own.

It has not always been easy and over the past 9 years we have had our ups and downs, but if anything it has made us stronger as a family. I have had to work harder on my relationship with them than my own DS(15) and DD(13), but it has been worth it. The kids all get along - well most of the time, don't get me started on the girls stealing each others make up!

We are very lucky in that DH and I also have a good relationship with our ex's (and their new partners) we all co-parent together. We sound like complete hippies! I can promise you we are not!

[Lalameme]

Well my SD 11 her mums had drug and alcohol problems and her dad is a workaholic so for 5 years I was her main parent as her parents were too engrossed in they’re addictions
Now her mother seemingly is better I have stepped back but SD has no respect for me and I find it hurtful being I did all her care brought all her clothes

[chidoodle]

I've been in DSD's life since she was a baby. Changed nappies, mopped up puke and tears, taken her bra shopping etc. There isn't a great deal I haven't done for her that I've done for my own. DH did 50:50 with her Mum for most of her childhood so plenty of contact over the years.

I care about what happens to her and feel quite protective of her. I plough a lot of time into her and I contribute financially.

I find it incredibly odd but I don't think I love her. Honestly I wouldn't particularly miss her if I never saw her again. I don't really like her as a person. Her Mum is not kind or generous and I suspect DSD will be similar. Which makes me sad.

I was very naive marrying a guy with a child. Step-mothering has for the most part been a thankless task.

[swingofthings]

I don't really like her as a person.
For all the things that are said about SCs, talking about rules, respect, exes twisting their minds, disney dads, giving too much/not enough etc.., I think whether a SP has a good relationship with their SC comes down to one thing, and that is the above and that is what makes the difference between your own children and those of your partner.

When I reflect on my kids, it is clear that my DD is highly likable. As a matter of fact, I don't think she has ever encountered someone who didn't like her. She has that sort of personality. She is a very unemotional kid, who has learned that getting people to like you means an easier life and access to what she wants. She is always smiling, positive and very dedicated and hard working. I even had one of her employers insisting to meet me some months ago because she wanted to tell me what an amazing girl she was and an example of her generation. It sounds very arrogant, but I've heard this so many times from teachers, coaches, friends etc... That is just the way she is.

My DS on the other hand.... is not naturally likable. For one, he doesn't care so much whether people like him or not and is not incline to plan his actions in such a way to make people like him. He is a very sensitive kid who needs a lot more positive attention to affect his self-esteem. He has always been a more demanding kid. He is naturally negative minded and can be demotivated, moody and yes, lazy too. As such, is not half as likable as his sister.

Some people see the true person he is, which is a very caring, intelligent, self-reflecting kid with great potential, and these people think he is a fantastic kid. On the other hand though, some people who focus on his negative attributes and as such find him unlikable.

As his mum, I can see both sides as myself, I do find him at time hard to like, however, when I focus on his positive traits, I do see a kid with great potential but with much higher emotional needs. I expect my DS will always be a bit like that and will need strong people behind him (partner/bosses etc...) to invest in him to bring out the wonderful person he is. I expect I will always need to be there in the background to be there for him, whether to give him a telling and kick, or to be there to pick him up when he is down. My DD already doesn't need me for this.

Kids come in all shape and forms, some are likable and some are not. Some could be likable with much effort and investment, some are almost impossible to like. I spoke to a retired primary school teacher recently and mentioned that it must have been hard to teach kids he didn't like. He said that in all his 30 years career, he can only think of a handful of kids that he can remember not liking because however difficult the others were, he always felt that he could influence their development in one way of the above and as such, that made me likable in their own ways. I thought he must have been a wonderful teacher with such an attitude.