How do you feel about your step kids? Honestly

[jenniferlawrence]

Just wondering to what extent other step parents have managed to bond and build a loving relationship with the step kids.

I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter.

So, how do you honestly feel about your step kids?

[LMW1990]

I love them. I can't say I love them as if they were my own because I don't have my own. But I definitely love them. I am fiercely protective of them, IMO take more interest in their day to day/ school life than their DM, and would/do go out of my way to make sure their needs come first.

This weekend we attended a family wedding and I was surprised to learn some guests thought they were my children and congratulated me on their behaviour. When I explained they were my DP children, they just could not believe the relationship I have with them.

Of course there are times they drive me potty. What kids don't? But I can quite honestly, hand on heart say that I utterly adore them and cannot imagine my life without them. They factor into every single decision I make. My eldest DSC tells me she loves me every single night at bedtime and every time she leaves to go to her DM. That's a big achievement in my eyes.

[NeeChee]

I must admit I do struggle at times. DSS is 11. He's a lovely kid, and we have interesting conversations at times. But it's few and far between at the moment as he pretty much permanently has earphones in his ears on Fortnite or YouTube.
Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. He pulls faces at the food I cook (but then again he moans at anything that isn't pizza Atm) although I try very hard to fit in with his preferences and fussiness.
I find it difficult to make plans, as DP never seems to know which days he has DC, but that's that the boy's fault, it's his mum for not being clear (and quite CFish sometimes).
I try my best not to nag, but he is a very messy child.
I don't think stepmums have the same connection. I can always tell when he's lying, but his dad always seems to believe him, and it stays at that.

[PrincessAvaR]

*they're my own

[PrincessAvaR]

@Sunisshining3228 Yes, it's so hard! I've had to say to my own DC before to leave the baby alone as she's getting annoyed but just feel like I can't say it to DSD because of her Mums reaction to everything.

OH tells me not to give a shit what she thinks and to tell his DC off if the need arises but I just don't feel like I can. I end up getting stressed with my own DC too and telling them all off as a group for things DSC have done just so it doesn't look like I'm singling my DSC out.

I'm very lucky in the fact my own DC are very tidy kids and our house is calm when it's just us, but as soon as DSC are here the house is a shithole and so noisy (and that's all of them, not just SDC) I can feel myself getting more and more tense. If it wasn't for the worry about the backlash from their Mum I think I would feel like I could treat them like their my own as the stress of their visits would be removed.

[Sunisshining3228]

@PrincessAvaR
Yeah it’s not easy is it?
Earlier on I was overcompensating more I think on dsd’s side, I think to try and help my bond with her and to be equal with her and dd when she is here.
Now I’ve had a bit of a change of heart though and I’m not going to make the situation affect my dd negatively- she also didn’t choose this I guess.
I think you should be able to tell an over-interested child who is all over your 6 month old to back off and give the baby space, sibling, step sibling, random child, whatever.
And hopefully any grief should fall on dp’s ears not yours.
Easier said that done I know but I am trying to make my approach a bit more firm so we all enjoy time together a bit more.

[PrincessAvaR]

@Sunisshining3228 I completely get what you mean when you say relieved is nearer the mark when DSD goes home. I feel the same when my DSS & DSD go home as I feel so tense when they're here because I feel like I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do in my own home and bite my tongue all the time. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

DSD is very overbearing with the baby as well, which I get as she doesn't see her sister that much (eow) but it grates on me as she just doesn't leave her alone. Our DD is only 6 months and gets very frustrated when she's constantly in her face. However I have to say to OH to have a word as fear saying anything to her that could cause a shit storm with her mother!

[PrincessAvaR]

I became a step-mum 2 years ago. I have 2 DS's of my own from my previous marriage and my OH and I now have a DD between us.

I find being a step-parent really tough at times. To be fair, it's not the children's fault but the way they have been brought up is very different to how my own DC have been brought up (they have no structure or routine in their lives when at home with Mum and not much discipline either) and this makes things quite difficult when they're with us as I feel that under our roof they should follow the same rules as my own DC. I can't be seen to be making allowances for them as this will cause resentment from my own DC and quite frankly I don't see why I should have to.

The biggest problem we have is with my OH's XW and her interference. She constantly tries to dictate what we should do on our weekends, what we should feed the DSC, where they should sleep etc etc (although her voice always come through the DSC with "Mummy said.....") and I feel that this is the biggest reason I've not been able to bond with them properly.

OH's DD (8) also has a habit of earwigging all conversations & repeating everything to her Mum, although not accurately! My BF and her XP have the same first names as OH's XW and her XP and when OH and I were discussing them one day (in our own bedroom while the children were playing in another room - or so we thought!) DSD took it upon herself to tell her Mum we were talking about her, which resulted in XW phoning my OH to have a go at him. Another time OH was discussing with his sister things he got up to when he was a child (he was a bit of a tear away back then) and didn't realise his DD's ears were flapping in the next room. 20 mins after he dropped the kids home his XW was on the phone again reprimanding him for "telling" their DD about his past. He did point out to her that he hadn't in fact told her, she had overheard bits of a conversation between him and his sister and made up the rest!!

His XW has phoned our house late at night (knowing we have a young baby!) to speak to OH about the most ridiculous things (putting the children into a Jujitsu class ON OUR WEEKENDS ), and when he politely asked her to text in future unless it was something urgent to do with the children as could have woken the baby, she responded with "you weren't bothered when our DC were babies". No, because she never put them to bed and they slept with her all night!!

If DSC Mum wasn't a crazy bitch control freak I think things would be a lot easier.

FWIW I get on really well with my DS's Step-Mum and have a good relationship with her and my XH for our children's sake. I allow them to parent the children when they are with them and don't interfere as I know they are safe and well looked after.

[Sunisshining3228]

bringincrazyback I know what you mean!
My dsd 8 has a developmental age of under 2. I’ve taken on more than I knew. I have affection for her, irritation, guilt at the irritation and although I care for her I don’t miss her when she’s gone back to mum. Relief is honestly nearer the mark, followed by a bit more guilt
Mum does not like us and contact is still not very easy or frequent enough (doesn’t live nearby), the arrangement is probably v confusing for dsd. Suspect dsd’s Home life not great also. She is VERY clingy but on me which I hadn’t bargained for. Wants my attention all the time, wants to be on my lap if dd is on there etc. Makes me feel pretty claustrophobic to be honest. Dh tries but (I feel) puts too much on me to care for both of them. I’m going to put some boundaries down as my stepmum observed when visiting that I was neglecting dd cos felt bad for dsd, (dd playing up) so I gave dd a cuddle and dsd felt so bad she was coughing a very pretend cough and rolling around on the floor at my feet hoping for me to give up the cuddle with dd and attend to her! The cuddle was like 5 mins!
It’s not easy- but the plus side is dd (mostly) adores her and I do like to see dsd happy, mostly!!
Fact is even if this is what she (seems to) want I can’t be her mummy for her, she has a mummy who wants her and she spends most of her time with her. I’m going to try and just go with caring for her and facilitating her seeing her dad but those boundaries can be hard when they are with you in your home day and night (and she needs care at night, support with personal care etc).

[2725London]

Reading the comments on here have really helped tonight. I’ve had a particularly bad step-parent day today & I’m struggling with the enormity of the role.

[bringincrazyback]

SD is in her 20s now but has developmental issues which IMHO DH and his ex never addressed properly when she was younger. These hold her back in life (again IMHO) and in that sense I feel desperately sorry for her. She's capable of living alone, and does, but her social skills are very poor and she therefore has few friends.
Unfortunately said developmental issues do mean she has some very irritating ways which, with the best will in the world, can and do get draining over a period of time.
So I tend to cycle between compassion, irritation, massive guilt over being irritated (this girl has never been helped to learn life skills in the way she needs to be helped, and it's not her fault), and back to compassion. I feel affection for her, but I don't love her, and I feel guilty about that too. Feel guilty even typing this post tbh.

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I love my DSD like my own child. We have primary custody of her which I prefer as she loves being with us full time. She is a brilliant sister to her twin siblings and that brought us even closer.

The only difficulty I have is making sure I don’t encroach to much on her mums territory so I invite her mum to plenty of family parties so she doesn’t miss out.

[BasilFaulty]

I would miss my two DSS if we ever split, and I'd like to still keep in touch with them somehow and make sure they're okay. My DSD (12) not so much. She's very hard work, constantly up and down, sometimes it's hard to get so much of a mumble from her and other times she's chatty, typical pre teen I guess. I wouldn't miss her, tbh I think I see a lot more of her mum in her than the boys so that may be it.

[Time4Gin]

Initially I really saw the difference in my DSDs behaviour, due to both her parents’ parenting, compared to my DS, and I wasn’t happy. I have tried for years to treat my DSD and DS equally when she is up with us but it’s a struggle every time and this used to affect my feelings for her.

I’ve now realised that I’m angry with DH for being something of a Disney Dad, and DSD’s mother for often being a Disney Mum, even though she has her in the week, because it’s me that does the discipline, the emotional development, the sticking to routines bit, the manners at the table, etc DSD at 8 still holds her knife or pencil like a baby in her fist and the BM just says she’ll “talk to the school” ( same for when DSD had nits, incidentally) and seems to think she is doing a great job (her words) because DSD can read!

When I have DS and DSD without her dad, my DH, ie sometime in the holidays, it’s easier, the DSD is obedient and really affectionate - so my issue is with DH. Then and after a few days I am really happy and content but when she’s been away from us for the week or longer, she’s comes back a spoilt brat full of entitlement and babyish behaviour, so I have issue with her BM.

So frankly the kid is fine but I blame the birth parents! and after reading lots on MN I am going to disengage and leave it o DH.when she’s up and BM when she’s not and if that means we are not a happy blended family like my DH wants, maybe he will realise to have one isn’t to be such a limp Dad and to stand up to the limp mother!!

I realise there are far worse situations than mine, being limp isn’t a crime, but hey, having enough of the holidays these last few weeks!!!!

[Jenwen22]

I don't think you can ever, as a mother, feel anything towards other children as you do to your own DC. That said I think I'm in the minority as I do love DSD and genuinely try to do the same to her as DS. Im not perfect at it as like I said above nothing will ever compare to the love you have for your own child, however it's important to understand that I never contemplate getting with someone who didn't view your own DC as family, and I think that works the same with DSC on your partners side. A lot comes down to circumstances and individuals, and it probably helps that I've been working in education for ten years, but a lot of it has to come with conscious effort from you as the adult. I'll never compare to DSD mum and I'm ok with that as I know she has her own relationship with me that's unique to us. Xx

[swingofthings]

I don't really like her as a person.
For all the things that are said about SCs, talking about rules, respect, exes twisting their minds, disney dads, giving too much/not enough etc.., I think whether a SP has a good relationship with their SC comes down to one thing, and that is the above and that is what makes the difference between your own children and those of your partner.

When I reflect on my kids, it is clear that my DD is highly likable. As a matter of fact, I don't think she has ever encountered someone who didn't like her. She has that sort of personality. She is a very unemotional kid, who has learned that getting people to like you means an easier life and access to what she wants. She is always smiling, positive and very dedicated and hard working. I even had one of her employers insisting to meet me some months ago because she wanted to tell me what an amazing girl she was and an example of her generation. It sounds very arrogant, but I've heard this so many times from teachers, coaches, friends etc... That is just the way she is.

My DS on the other hand.... is not naturally likable. For one, he doesn't care so much whether people like him or not and is not incline to plan his actions in such a way to make people like him. He is a very sensitive kid who needs a lot more positive attention to affect his self-esteem. He has always been a more demanding kid. He is naturally negative minded and can be demotivated, moody and yes, lazy too. As such, is not half as likable as his sister.

Some people see the true person he is, which is a very caring, intelligent, self-reflecting kid with great potential, and these people think he is a fantastic kid. On the other hand though, some people who focus on his negative attributes and as such find him unlikable.

As his mum, I can see both sides as myself, I do find him at time hard to like, however, when I focus on his positive traits, I do see a kid with great potential but with much higher emotional needs. I expect my DS will always be a bit like that and will need strong people behind him (partner/bosses etc...) to invest in him to bring out the wonderful person he is. I expect I will always need to be there in the background to be there for him, whether to give him a telling and kick, or to be there to pick him up when he is down. My DD already doesn't need me for this.

Kids come in all shape and forms, some are likable and some are not. Some could be likable with much effort and investment, some are almost impossible to like. I spoke to a retired primary school teacher recently and mentioned that it must have been hard to teach kids he didn't like. He said that in all his 30 years career, he can only think of a handful of kids that he can remember not liking because however difficult the others were, he always felt that he could influence their development in one way of the above and as such, that made me likable in their own ways. I thought he must have been a wonderful teacher with such an attitude.

[chidoodle]

I've been in DSD's life since she was a baby. Changed nappies, mopped up puke and tears, taken her bra shopping etc. There isn't a great deal I haven't done for her that I've done for my own. DH did 50:50 with her Mum for most of her childhood so plenty of contact over the years.

I care about what happens to her and feel quite protective of her. I plough a lot of time into her and I contribute financially.

I find it incredibly odd but I don't think I love her. Honestly I wouldn't particularly miss her if I never saw her again. I don't really like her as a person. Her Mum is not kind or generous and I suspect DSD will be similar. Which makes me sad.

I was very naive marrying a guy with a child. Step-mothering has for the most part been a thankless task.

[Lalameme]

Well my SD 11 her mums had drug and alcohol problems and her dad is a workaholic so for 5 years I was her main parent as her parents were too engrossed in they’re addictions
Now her mother seemingly is better I have stepped back but SD has no respect for me and I find it hurtful being I did all her care brought all her clothes

[RhubarbandGin]

I absolutely love my DSD (11) and DSS(16) and I can't imagine life with out them, I really do love them as much as my own.

It has not always been easy and over the past 9 years we have had our ups and downs, but if anything it has made us stronger as a family. I have had to work harder on my relationship with them than my own DS(15) and DD(13), but it has been worth it. The kids all get along - well most of the time, don't get me started on the girls stealing each others make up!

We are very lucky in that DH and I also have a good relationship with our ex's (and their new partners) we all co-parent together. We sound like complete hippies! I can promise you we are not!

[thefudgeling]

Glad someone started this thread, it has been a therapeutic read. Known my dsds for 15 yrs, and have always treated them as my own, andwe had a great relationship. But they are 20 now and driving me mad! Trying hard to be detached!

[Digitallife27]

@Chew2 snap!

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

Haven't rtft. Most of the time I love her to bits and really enjoy her company. Other times I find the whole experience quite overwhelming. I suffer with a lot of health issues (physical and mental) so sometimes I just find the constantness of it all really hard. By that I mean either I'm doing my own thing or if I'm with DSD either by myself or with DP, she just talks non stop and DP and I barely get a minutes peace.

And then I feel really guilty because honestly I do love her and it's fantastic she's chatting so much (she's been seeing a SALT for years) it's just exhausting. Does that even make sense?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@rachie that’s pretty poignant and lovely, the Mother’s Day card. Bit shocked about the pushing down the stairs with your two year old though! Not sure I’d have taken that well!

I’ve cleaned up my DSDs sick numerous times, got nits out from DSD1s hair and looked after her when after an accident her mouth bled all day.

They treat me as if I didn’t exist! Yet I did raise them too.

[Rachie1973]

I've had mine 15 years lol. We had residency of them when I moved in with my own kids.

The older one is a girl, she's just 15 years younger than me and we got on a like a house on fire from the start, she's 30 now and we socialise and are pretty much great friends. Her son is my 'grandson' and it a close, loving relationship.

The other one though OMG lol. He was 8 when I moved in. We hated each other. I tried SO hard, but it's difficult when his natural Mum is drip drip dripping in his ear about how awful I am, and how my DH loves my kids more than him, etc. He once actually tried to push me down the stairs on a moving bus with my 2 year old in my arms, that's when I realised he would sooner I died, than stayed with his Dad! I once asked what exactly I could do to make him happier. He told me 'Move out'.

I don't really know when exactly it changed but I stuck it out, and I treated him like I treated my own. One day though he seemed to suddenly come to me, as a confidante, rather than his Mum. And when he got his girlfriend pregnant at 18 he asked me for my advice and how to do things.

I've sat at these kids beds when they've been sick, I cried when he took illegal drugs and we thought he was going to die. I've mopped up their sick from alcohol, and paid to insure cars they couldn't drive otherwise. To all intents and purposes, they are MY kids, I'm not their Mum, she's around, she's involved, but I raised them.

3 years ago I got a Mothers Day card from him. A big one lol. It apologised for the years 'I was a shit, and made you hurt inside'. No warning it was coming, and I cried like a baby.

[Chew2]

I would have to say I don't love them. I find them hard work, generally miserable, immature, lazy, under-developed and dis-respectful. I know this is not their fault as it all stems from their mother and unfortunately they are turning into their mothers. Myself and my dp try our hardest when we are with them, he has them every day he is not at work as they do not live close by, but as soon as they return to their mothers they regress. I feel really sorry for them as their mother does nothing with them. My dp has done all the basic learning and development needs but obviously they are delayed in most aspects as he cannot do it continously round the clock. Although I will say when I look after them they are well behaved and mostly with my dp, although he is softer with them in certain ways.
I don't miss them when they aren't here and so happy that they are starting to not want to stay here as much. We discipline and have rules, at their house they get to stay up late, eat whatever they want (the eldest is overweight and we are trying to encourage healthy eating) and there is absolutely no discipline.
I care for them because my dp cares for them but if i wasn't with him, I wouldn't bother with them at all 😑