How do you feel about your step kids? Honestly

[jenniferlawrence]

Just wondering to what extent other step parents have managed to bond and build a loving relationship with the step kids.

I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter.

So, how do you honestly feel about your step kids?

[zqu76y]

Hi
Sorry this is my first ever post on here and I came on to ask the same question.

We've just got custody in september of my OHs DS who is 6, I'm currently pregnant and due any day. I saw the HV today and she asked me whether I was bonding with DSS, I said I love having him around but I do believe the bonding can take years. She appeared shocked at my statement.

Like everyone else, I support, feed, clothe, play and educate him with as much love as I can but he can be a spoilt brat - a result of the court hearing and I feel myself gritting my teeth sometimes. My OH is brilliant and is now giving him structure and discipline but I can already tell that my feelings for my unborn child is stronger. I have even thought about going to counselling as I thought I was abnormal.

Thank you ladies, I can feel the weight lifting already that My feelings actually are normal. Xxx

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

I love her. I've known her for 6 years and for 5 of those we've had a joint residency agreement. On the weeks when she isn't here I feel a hole, despite my 3 bio DCs being here.

It took a little while to bond but now I love her as much as 'my' kids, can't imagine being without her. I hope when she's a bit older she might choose to spend more time here.

I understand what people are saying about a lack of biological bond but she is so much like DH. I do love her differently than my bio DCs but not less IYSWIM.

[KringleCandleLover]

DSD1 is 16 and lives here. I get on with her but don't love her. She has nc with her DM and sees me as 'mum', which makes me a bit sad as I don't see myself fulfilling that role,I don't want that role.

DSD2 is 14. I can honestly say if I never saw her again it wouldn't bother me. I feel absolutely nothing for her.

[Tuckshop]

Zqu76y please don't give yourself a hard time. I bet you're doing brilliantly. There's another thread where I talk about my dsd coming to live with me. I'd been her SM for 14 years at that point and it was still hard to adjust to. A bond builds over time and as memories are created, and you learn to trust each other. And to trust that even at your worst you're still loved. That was my experience anyway. Don't worry.

[zqu76y]

Thank you Tuckshop. I'm very realistic that it will take time and don't get me wrong it's not an easy transition. This time last year I was tottering around in stilettos and driving an Audi TT and by the end of this year there will be 2 kids in my life, I wear flats and drive an estate and it scares the hell out of me! I'll look out for your thread! Thanks again.

[Bonsoir]

I have a great relationship with my DSSs. The are 16 and 18. They basically live with us (DSS1 is at university) and visit their mother only occasionally. We are their family.

But, hand on heart, while I am interested in everything they do and work hard to support them in every way, I do not miss them when they are not around.

[WhatTheHellIsHappening]

DSD is 13.

We have a great relationship. We have 50:50 contact, although it really depends on her. Some days she'll want to stay with her mum to do some art homework because her mum is great at helping her, other times she'll come over to us when its not usual to, because she missed her siblings or the guinea pigs or whatever.

I am lucky that DP/ex are good friends, they split simply because they didn't love each other and therefore remain talkative and happy together, they do the best for DSD and this is possible due to them both being on good terms with each other.

DSD came into my life when she was 6. Because of having a lovely DM, it meant she didn't have as much of the upheaval and pain some SCs may feel. So we can have a laugh together, we both share a love of animals and DSD managed to convince DH to agree to guinea pigs, she's currently the best SD EVER in my opinion and I am good at styling her hair. It's a fun, easy relationship and I'm lucky to have a great DSD.

DSS is not as easy, he's 15. He has chosen to live 60:40 with his DM. He is definitely a nice kid, friendly, shy, bright- he's had more difficulty with the change. As he got older, our relationship strengthened, but I'm definitely not as close as with DSD, which I'm sad about, as he's honestly great! We aren't very similar and as he was 8 when we met, he had a harder time adjusting. Every day we are becoming much more together and he's definitely become looser with the contact, so he often spends more contact time with us for various reasons (although it is fairly even). I think we will end up as close as I am with DSD, it is taking more time.

[MonkeysInTheFog]

My stepson was 9 when I met his dad.

He is, and always has been a peach. We've always got on famously. I guess it helps that relations between DH, DSSs mum and me have always been cordial; she's become one of my best friends.

DSS is nearly 24 now, hardworking, lovely and has just bought his first house with his GF who is also adorable. I'm so proud of him and hope my children turn out like him.

[jenniferlawrence]

I think it's harder to bond with them as there are two of them. The older one is very loyal to his Mum so doesn't want the younger one to see him being too friendly to me and the younger one copies his big brother. If I am alone with either of them they open up to me a lot more and are generally more friendly and relaxed around me.

[flowerpotgirl12]

I like both my sc, , nice kids but we don't have a strong bond. In all honesty if me and dp split I wouldn't miss them. I am pregnant with my first dc and a lot of people have said this will change the way I feel and look at my sc. not sure if that's true or wishful thinking.

[Georgia82]

Zqu76y you sound like me. 2 years ago I was single, now I have dsd with us ft ( apart from eow and some hols) and two babies! I haven't yet got rid of the sporty car bug it's on its way..., :-(

I totally understand how you feel. All this stuff comes in time. My dsd is lovely, if at times challenging , but I guess that's children for you. If your experience is like mine, you'll create your own unique bond and shared experiences and traditions. Your new baby will also help too If handled well, although hat can be tricky too. Congratulations, enjoy the baby and don't worry. You actually care, do the looking after your dss both practically and emotionally so sound as if you are doing fine!

[Georgia82]

Oh, and you'll find that the heels and bags soon make a reappearance!

[Xalla]

"if I'm being honest, If I never saw them again then I wouldn't miss them in the slightest and I'm pretty sure they feel similar about me."

Same here. Which I'm ashamed to admit given that I've been in her life since she was a baby and I was her main caregiver for a number of years; she's almost 8 now. I think the main reason is that I ended up feeling the time I spent caring for her was keeping me from my own children (not her fault obviously but I ended up resenting her for it anyway).

My DH and our other children would miss her very much though.

[purpleroses]

Livvy - I think your reaction to the clothes you see is probably more the age of your DCs. My DS is 13 and I now find myself spotting cute bits of baby clothes and thinking "ooh [friend's toddler/nephew/any random baby I can think of] would look cute in that" but never that DS would! They're just not cute at that age

[willyoulistentome]

"if I'm being honest, If I never saw them again then I wouldn't miss them in the slightest and I'm pretty sure they feel similar about me."

Same here too. I feel guilty about it as my own DSs adore them.

[jenniferlawrence]

Thanks for all your replies. It's good to know that I'm not unusual for not loving my stepsons the same way I love my DD. I feel less guilty now.

[ElenorRigby]

"I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter."

You have pretty much described how I relate to DSD there with a twist.

Like Stepmooster and Alice a breaking of trust occurred when DSD made false allegations against her dad 3 years ago.

Intellectually I know it wasnt her fault, she didnt know what she was doing and was heavily manipulated by her mother but still it's caused a break. I cant quite trust her and am a little on guard which is really sad.
I try not to let it show.

[Cleorapter]

I have one DSS, he's almost six, I find him...difficult. He can be a nice boy, but sometimes very mean, incredibly whiney all the time and quite manipulative (learned behaviour) he's incredibly spoiled and pampered to.

But when it's just me and him, we get on well and I feel a lot of affection for him. I just wish his parents would spend more time, not money, on him.

[sheldor]

J love my dsc' all 3 of them..It's strange because one is the same age and the other two are 18months older but i am honestly so happy that one of them now has a daughter.My dcs skyped thier brother and neice for the 1st time this evening and it was funny to watch.Mine and dps dcs are 5 and 7 ,Dss's dsd and dd are 5 and 5 months

[sheldor]

Oh and my dp was a single dad when i met him.I moved in with them all until they were 20 odd

[sheldor]

I do think it's different if dcs have lived with thier mum tbf.Dps wife walked out on them.I would never have gone with dp if it had been the other way around as i can't stand exs and don't feel i could have bonded with them because of her

[sheldor]

Kids really shoudn't be blamed for thier behaviour.If they have been bought up like it that is how they will be unforntunely.The only people who are to blame are the ones who bring them up spoilt.

[sheldor]

Please excuse my spelling my mistakes.I text too fast

[Mumallthetime]

sheldor At what age can DCs be held accountable for their own behaviour?

If they are adults, have positive professional, social & emotional relationships, should stepparents continue 'blame the parents' when their DSC behaves badly towards them?