How do you feel about your step kids? Honestly

[jenniferlawrence]

Just wondering to what extent other step parents have managed to bond and build a loving relationship with the step kids.

I've been in my step sons lives for 8 years, since they were 2 and 4. We get on fine. They are respectful towards me. I treat them fairly, ensure they are well fed, safe, happy and in clean clothes. I ask them questions and listen to them. I stick up for them when I think my husband is being hard on them but that's as far as it goes. I always assumed that a bond would develop over time but I've always found it hard to relate to them. They are easier to get on with when we just have one but we usually have both together. I know my husband wishes I had a closer bond with them but I feel that they don't want to be close to me as they are close to their Mum (rightly so) and I didn't want to push them. I care about them and feel protective but I don't adore them like I do my daughter.

So, how do you honestly feel about your step kids?

I don't think you can ever, as a mother, feel anything towards other children as you do to your own DC. That said I think I'm in the minority as I do love DSD and genuinely try to do the same to her as DS. Im not perfect at it as like I said above nothing will ever compare to the love you have for your own child, however it's important to understand that I never contemplate getting with someone who didn't view your own DC as family, and I think that works the same with DSC on your partners side. A lot comes down to circumstances and individuals, and it probably helps that I've been working in education for ten years, but a lot of it has to come with conscious effort from you as the adult. I'll never compare to DSD mum and I'm ok with that as I know she has her own relationship with me that's unique to us. Xx

Initially I really saw the difference in my DSDs behaviour, due to both her parents’ parenting, compared to my DS, and I wasn’t happy. I have tried for years to treat my DSD and DS equally when she is up with us but it’s a struggle every time and this used to affect my feelings for her.

I’ve now realised that I’m angry with DH for being something of a Disney Dad, and DSD’s mother for often being a Disney Mum, even though she has her in the week, because it’s me that does the discipline, the emotional development, the sticking to routines bit, the manners at the table, etc DSD at 8 still holds her knife or pencil like a baby in her fist and the BM just says she’ll “talk to the school” ( same for when DSD had nits, incidentally) and seems to think she is doing a great job (her words) because DSD can read!

When I have DS and DSD without her dad, my DH, ie sometime in the holidays, it’s easier, the DSD is obedient and really affectionate - so my issue is with DH. Then and after a few days I am really happy and content but when she’s been away from us for the week or longer, she’s comes back a spoilt brat full of entitlement and babyish behaviour, so I have issue with her BM.

So frankly the kid is fine but I blame the birth parents! and after reading lots on MN I am going to disengage and leave it o DH.when she’s up and BM when she’s not and if that means we are not a happy blended family like my DH wants, maybe he will realise to have one isn’t to be such a limp Dad and to stand up to the limp mother!!

I realise there are far worse situations than mine, being limp isn’t a crime, but hey, having enough of the holidays these last few weeks!!!!

I would miss my two DSS if we ever split, and I'd like to still keep in touch with them somehow and make sure they're okay. My DSD (12) not so much. She's very hard work, constantly up and down, sometimes it's hard to get so much of a mumble from her and other times she's chatty, typical pre teen I guess. I wouldn't miss her, tbh I think I see a lot more of her mum in her than the boys so that may be it.

I love my DSD like my own child. We have primary custody of her which I prefer as she loves being with us full time. She is a brilliant sister to her twin siblings and that brought us even closer.

The only difficulty I have is making sure I don’t encroach to much on her mums territory so I invite her mum to plenty of family parties so she doesn’t miss out.

SD is in her 20s now but has developmental issues which IMHO DH and his ex never addressed properly when she was younger. These hold her back in life (again IMHO) and in that sense I feel desperately sorry for her. She's capable of living alone, and does, but her social skills are very poor and she therefore has few friends.
Unfortunately said developmental issues do mean she has some very irritating ways which, with the best will in the world, can and do get draining over a period of time.
So I tend to cycle between compassion, irritation, massive guilt over being irritated (this girl has never been helped to learn life skills in the way she needs to be helped, and it's not her fault), and back to compassion. I feel affection for her, but I don't love her, and I feel guilty about that too. Feel guilty even typing this post tbh.

Reading the comments on here have really helped tonight. I’ve had a particularly bad step-parent day today & I’m struggling with the enormity of the role.

bringincrazyback I know what you mean!
My dsd 8 has a developmental age of under 2. I’ve taken on more than I knew. I have affection for her, irritation, guilt at the irritation and although I care for her I don’t miss her when she’s gone back to mum. Relief is honestly nearer the mark, followed by a bit more guilt
Mum does not like us and contact is still not very easy or frequent enough (doesn’t live nearby), the arrangement is probably v confusing for dsd. Suspect dsd’s Home life not great also. She is VERY clingy but on me which I hadn’t bargained for. Wants my attention all the time, wants to be on my lap if dd is on there etc. Makes me feel pretty claustrophobic to be honest. Dh tries but (I feel) puts too much on me to care for both of them. I’m going to put some boundaries down as my stepmum observed when visiting that I was neglecting dd cos felt bad for dsd, (dd playing up) so I gave dd a cuddle and dsd felt so bad she was coughing a very pretend cough and rolling around on the floor at my feet hoping for me to give up the cuddle with dd and attend to her! The cuddle was like 5 mins!
It’s not easy- but the plus side is dd (mostly) adores her and I do like to see dsd happy, mostly!!
Fact is even if this is what she (seems to) want I can’t be her mummy for her, she has a mummy who wants her and she spends most of her time with her. I’m going to try and just go with caring for her and facilitating her seeing her dad but those boundaries can be hard when they are with you in your home day and night (and she needs care at night, support with personal care etc).

I became a step-mum 2 years ago. I have 2 DS's of my own from my previous marriage and my OH and I now have a DD between us.

I find being a step-parent really tough at times. To be fair, it's not the children's fault but the way they have been brought up is very different to how my own DC have been brought up (they have no structure or routine in their lives when at home with Mum and not much discipline either) and this makes things quite difficult when they're with us as I feel that under our roof they should follow the same rules as my own DC. I can't be seen to be making allowances for them as this will cause resentment from my own DC and quite frankly I don't see why I should have to.

The biggest problem we have is with my OH's XW and her interference. She constantly tries to dictate what we should do on our weekends, what we should feed the DSC, where they should sleep etc etc (although her voice always come through the DSC with "Mummy said.....") and I feel that this is the biggest reason I've not been able to bond with them properly.

OH's DD (8) also has a habit of earwigging all conversations & repeating everything to her Mum, although not accurately! My BF and her XP have the same first names as OH's XW and her XP and when OH and I were discussing them one day (in our own bedroom while the children were playing in another room - or so we thought!) DSD took it upon herself to tell her Mum we were talking about her, which resulted in XW phoning my OH to have a go at him. Another time OH was discussing with his sister things he got up to when he was a child (he was a bit of a tear away back then) and didn't realise his DD's ears were flapping in the next room. 20 mins after he dropped the kids home his XW was on the phone again reprimanding him for "telling" their DD about his past. He did point out to her that he hadn't in fact told her, she had overheard bits of a conversation between him and his sister and made up the rest!!

His XW has phoned our house late at night (knowing we have a young baby!) to speak to OH about the most ridiculous things (putting the children into a Jujitsu class ON OUR WEEKENDS ), and when he politely asked her to text in future unless it was something urgent to do with the children as could have woken the baby, she responded with "you weren't bothered when our DC were babies". No, because she never put them to bed and they slept with her all night!!

If DSC Mum wasn't a crazy bitch control freak I think things would be a lot easier.

FWIW I get on really well with my DS's Step-Mum and have a good relationship with her and my XH for our children's sake. I allow them to parent the children when they are with them and don't interfere as I know they are safe and well looked after.

@Sunisshining3228 I completely get what you mean when you say relieved is nearer the mark when DSD goes home. I feel the same when my DSS & DSD go home as I feel so tense when they're here because I feel like I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do in my own home and bite my tongue all the time. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

DSD is very overbearing with the baby as well, which I get as she doesn't see her sister that much (eow) but it grates on me as she just doesn't leave her alone. Our DD is only 6 months and gets very frustrated when she's constantly in her face. However I have to say to OH to have a word as fear saying anything to her that could cause a shit storm with her mother!

@PrincessAvaR
Yeah it’s not easy is it?
Earlier on I was overcompensating more I think on dsd’s side, I think to try and help my bond with her and to be equal with her and dd when she is here.
Now I’ve had a bit of a change of heart though and I’m not going to make the situation affect my dd negatively- she also didn’t choose this I guess.
I think you should be able to tell an over-interested child who is all over your 6 month old to back off and give the baby space, sibling, step sibling, random child, whatever.
And hopefully any grief should fall on dp’s ears not yours.
Easier said that done I know but I am trying to make my approach a bit more firm so we all enjoy time together a bit more.

@Sunisshining3228 Yes, it's so hard! I've had to say to my own DC before to leave the baby alone as she's getting annoyed but just feel like I can't say it to DSD because of her Mums reaction to everything.

OH tells me not to give a shit what she thinks and to tell his DC off if the need arises but I just don't feel like I can. I end up getting stressed with my own DC too and telling them all off as a group for things DSC have done just so it doesn't look like I'm singling my DSC out.

I'm very lucky in the fact my own DC are very tidy kids and our house is calm when it's just us, but as soon as DSC are here the house is a shithole and so noisy (and that's all of them, not just SDC) I can feel myself getting more and more tense. If it wasn't for the worry about the backlash from their Mum I think I would feel like I could treat them like their my own as the stress of their visits would be removed.

*they're my own

I must admit I do struggle at times. DSS is 11. He's a lovely kid, and we have interesting conversations at times. But it's few and far between at the moment as he pretty much permanently has earphones in his ears on Fortnite or YouTube.
Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. He pulls faces at the food I cook (but then again he moans at anything that isn't pizza Atm) although I try very hard to fit in with his preferences and fussiness.
I find it difficult to make plans, as DP never seems to know which days he has DC, but that's that the boy's fault, it's his mum for not being clear (and quite CFish sometimes).
I try my best not to nag, but he is a very messy child.
I don't think stepmums have the same connection. I can always tell when he's lying, but his dad always seems to believe him, and it stays at that.

I love them. I can't say I love them as if they were my own because I don't have my own. But I definitely love them. I am fiercely protective of them, IMO take more interest in their day to day/ school life than their DM, and would/do go out of my way to make sure their needs come first.

This weekend we attended a family wedding and I was surprised to learn some guests thought they were my children and congratulated me on their behaviour. When I explained they were my DP children, they just could not believe the relationship I have with them.

Of course there are times they drive me potty. What kids don't? But I can quite honestly, hand on heart say that I utterly adore them and cannot imagine my life without them. They factor into every single decision I make. My eldest DSC tells me she loves me every single night at bedtime and every time she leaves to go to her DM. That's a big achievement in my eyes.