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Step-parenting

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Original poster

whole family now involved

55 replies

flowerpotgirl12 · 16/11/2013 23:30

so frustrated! collecting my dsc this coming fri and due to pregnancy have said last round trip I am willing to do. given plenty of warning for it to be sorted. so my dp and his exw have been texting and he has basically said that he will be collecting them by train or no contact. eventually after much dramatics she has agreed (a miracle) so all sorted or so we thought.

We've had dsd on the phone stating she won't come to visit if she has to go by train! dp explained why and said only way. she is refusing dp been firm with her and said it's happening. However the exw and now dp sister have gotten involved again. his sister is constantly texting phoning me saying I am unreasonable and selfish and damaging their relationship etc. said to her she is welcome to do the trip but she said not her responsibility! so now his family are ignoring me and I have been cast as a bitch. dp is getting constant hassle from dsd, ,exw and his family.

he is sticking to tjr train and has backed me up but just wanted a rant as furious beyond belief with hid sister. I expected his ex to kick off but she surprised me. sigh!

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 17/11/2013 15:44

totally agree petal and what I have been saying for over a year! and don't see why my baby should be second best to his kids, they should be equal as far as his family are concerned

OP posts:
Stepmooster · 17/11/2013 16:15

Your baby is equal and deserves just as much love, affection and respect from your dps family as the elder children. Pregnancy is not an illness but anyone who has worked FT during second trimester knows its hard work and tiring. Any true caring SIL would be concerned about how much driving you're doing not being a bitch. I'd expect this woman to be a thorn in your side for a while, well done for sticking up for yourself and babba.

Stepmooster · 17/11/2013 16:15

Or third trimester even....

TheMumsRush · 17/11/2013 16:36

Haven't read the whole thread but if my dh sis said it's not her responsibility to me, I would have said well it's not mine either but I've been doing it!!!! AngryAngryAngry

Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 17/11/2013 16:53

I agree pregnancy isn't an illness and so far I have been lucky and not had any problems, but the tiredness is getting worse as are my hips which makes driving for long periods uncomfortable.

I have so far put up with sil but now expecting a baby myself getting sick and tired of the whole exw needs being more important.

weirdly the hardest part of being a sm hasn't been the kids like I thought, they've on the whole been great its been the ex and sister

OP posts:
Kaluki · 18/11/2013 12:32

The only thing as bad asa bitter ex wife is a controlling SIL (I have two!!!) Luckily for me they both hate DPs ex but if they joined forces we would all be in trouble Grin
Well done for telling her to F** off. I wanted to applaud when I read that!!

needaholidaynow · 18/11/2013 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 · 20/11/2013 17:47

OP, have there been any further developments?

Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 18:14

hi petal things have not been great. I did meet her as didn't want things to escalate to a stupid level. it was a disaster. we got there and her dp and daughter ignored me completely. she was crying for some reason and said that I needed to apologise. I said that I didn't think I needed to apologise and explained how I felt and why I was pissed off. she then said that as they're dps kids and not to ruin or strain their relationship I should agree to do the drive until I'm 8 months then when baby is born I can drop to her and she would look after whilst I continued the driving. obviously I said no way am I doing that and frankly none of her business and dp is inagreementwith me and that should be enough. it all got a bit sstupid after that and we left.

We've now had a text of exw saying as they can come this weekend as planned as I'm driving but future trips will only be allowed if someone is driving and spouted how I'm trying to stop dps relationship with kids. Which I suspect is shit stirring from sis. so back to beginning having got her agreement originally.

dp is furious and spoke to gis sis and asked her to phone exw to see reason but she won't as apparently exw is just being a good mum!

dp text exw saying again train or nothing and threatened court but is gutted as coming to Christmas and wants to see them and is snappy with me.

so all a bit shit. sorry for essay.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 18:17

honestly just tired of it all, just want to enjoy the last few month of my pregnancy and not have all this rubbish over something I honestly don't think is a problem.

OP posts:
Zamboni · 20/11/2013 18:33

Well done OP and OP's DP for standing firm. This is utterly ridiculous. You're doing a massive factor to DP and exW to drive up until now.

If you weren't in the equation it would have to be train or exW driving so in my opinion, the same holds true now. It isn't your job to facilitate contact, just not thwart it.

DP has made a reasonable suggestion and should stick to it. ExW will either cave because she wants the contact to continue, or go to court where as someone said up thread, no one will regard a train for a 12 yo as unreasonable.

Whatever you do, don't try and find an alternative or be bullied into continuing. Time for broken record "no that doesn't work for me. DP will come by train". Ad infinitem if necessary.

I suspect they will cave. I have experience of DH's exP being awkward and unpleasant because I wanted to stop doing her a massive favour when circumstances changed which meant the favour was at too great a cost to me. Her unpleasantness had meant up until then we had always bent over backwards to accommodate her. She did not like the change and was very unpleasant and unreasonable about it. Growing a backbone and being a broken record, refusing to budge no matter how unpleasant she was about it, worked. Ultimately she backed down and no more was said. It's the only way to deal with people who don't care about you and will do whatever to get their way.

JumpingJackSprat · 20/11/2013 18:44

Your sil is a bitch. I wouldn't want to see her again if I were you. I can't believe everyone is acting like getting these kids from a to b is your problem.

eslteacher · 20/11/2013 18:51

If sil is saying that she simply couldnt help with the driving as it isn't her responsibility, why is she then offering to look after your baby while you drive up there? That's hardly her responsibility either yet somehow that is the reasonable solution? Instead of say, YOU looking after YOUR baby and DP and his family sorting out DP's kids? It really does beggar belief to the point I can almost not believe this is real!

You simply cannot give into these ridiculous and childish attempts by SIL and EXW to gain control over your life OP. That's all it is, pure and simple. There is simply no other motivation here.

Petal02 · 20/11/2013 18:58

Agree totally with Riverboat and JumpingJackSpratt.

prettyfly1 · 20/11/2013 19:10

This sounds like my other halfs family, with whom I no longer have contact as their toxic nonsense drove me insane. It is NOT your responsibility to drive a two hour round trip at any time, especially when pregnant. It is not your job to keep the family together - if you want to help great but you certainly are not to blame if it goes arse up thanks to nobody but you being able to drive the child around. How utterly ridiculous and well done you for not giving into it. Angry on your behalf. At second and third trimester stage you should be chilling out - pregnancy isnt an illness but it is bloody hard work.

Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 19:22

to be honest, I totally expect exw to back down, she wants her weekends off and had originally relented and agreed to the train, I think she'll see sense. At least that is what we're hoping, I think the threat of court shocked her a bit.

I have no intention of having anything to do with dps sis, I have said that he should make up with her but I am not, he is currently in the other room on the phone to her. I am upset at the fact that 2.5 years in and nothing seems to have changed.

I suspect she wants to babysit as it's more interesting and fun than doing a 4 hour round trip, anyway not even practical as planning on bf. Besides I don't want her having to much input and control over my dc, I don't trust her and I don't like the influence she is continually trying to gain over me and dp.

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catsmother · 20/11/2013 19:33

Flowerpot - I'm really sorry to read this. I want to slap your ignorant shit stirring SIL for you as you're entitled to enjoy your pregnancy without all this completely unnecessary stress.

Unfortunately, unless the ex relents very soon I think your DP now has no choice but to go to court for a contact order. IME he should do it asap as these things can drag on and it won't be an instant solution by the time you get a date for the hearing - maybe longer if CAFCASS also get involved. I honestly feel he'd have no problem and the ex would be ordered to make them available regardless of the method of travel used. There's NOTHING wrong with a train FFS and it has nothing whatsoever to do with being "a good mum". Actually she's being a very bad mum to obstruct contact on such a ridiculous excuse.

I hope your DP snaps out of it - it's not nice and very worrying but neither should you be in the firing line after all you've done.

longjane · 20/11/2013 19:33

Can I just ask one question
Are you expecting a 12 year to travel on her own on the train?

catsmother · 20/11/2013 19:37

I don't understand why the SIL is so fixated with all this ... can't help but feel she isn't really interested in arrangements for the stepkids but that this issue is a convenient excuse to get at you, make you feel bad, and potentially cause ill feeling between you and DP. In other words, this feels personal to me - as if she doesn't like you.

In view of all this, hell would freeze over before I let her play dollies with my baby if I were in your shoes. She's treating you like a cross between an incubator and a skivvy - as if the only things that matter to her are the children, and you're in the way. Dunno if that's correct of course but she sounds unhinged.

Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 19:38

@ longjane - no my dp would go and collect them from home and do the train journey back with them, as he has in the past.

@ Catsmother I want to slap her too but don't think that will help other than to please me. Do you know how long it usually take to get a court date?

The problem is that dps sis really does think the sun shines out of exw arse, no matter what she does, as her constant mantra goes, she is the mother of his children.

OP posts:
catsmother · 20/11/2013 19:39

Longjane the OP said her DH will be collecting his kids by train, not leaving them to make the journey on their own.

IDontDoIroning · 20/11/2013 19:41

So what are you then - you're going to be the mother of his child too why should your and your dc needs rank below the ex?

catsmother · 20/11/2013 19:42

Oops, x posted.

From experience, I think it took around 4-5 months for DP to get an initial hearing date but that was several years ago. Don't know what the system's like now. The worst bit was that it took another 2 years to eventually get a final hearing and order - due to CAFCASS interviews (and CAFCASS failing to make the appointments they'd been asked to), the ex being obstructive and cancelling dates at the last minute etc etc. Hopefully ours wasn't a typical experience.

Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 19:44

when I first got with dp, she was very much in control of him, she had taken on this mothering role of him and organised all contact and a lot of other ascpects of his life. When I appeared and all that started to stop she really didn't like it and we had problems back then, however more recently I thought we'd gotten over that and were in a good place. She has always been very controlling but I ignored it mostly.

I'm not sure why she is getting so involved in all this, she's always been very close to the ex, which was slightly uncomfortable as I knew she was reporting certain things back to her. Maybe she hasn't ever liked me and I've just been to stupid to realise.

I have no intention of allowing her to play happy families with my baby.

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Original poster
flowerpotgirl12 · 20/11/2013 19:47

@iddi that's what I find so bemusing that she's the mother of the children therefore what she says go, although that perk doesn't seem to apply to me and my baby.

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