DP and babysitting - are we being unreasonable?

[FlyingBlind]

A bit of context for you. About six weeks ago BM said she wanted to stop evening visits with us (6.00 until 8.00 one night in the week), and have DP go to hers to see the kids (DSD's 9, 3, 12m) while she goes out. She says having the kids here for an evening is too disruptive as she struggles to get the into bed early enough.

After trying it out for a while we want to go back to having the kids, the reasons being:

1. DP babysitting there blurs the boundaries between what's acceptable behaviour with Mum and what's ok with Dad (we are much hotter on table manners etc)
2. BM takes the opportunity to undermine DP's parenting in front of the girls
3. The place is a tip and DP can't find anything. Formula, PJ's, nappies, wipes are always disappeared somewhere...
4. BM is always later than planned coming back and as DP goes there straight from work he hasn't been getting anything to eat until 8.30 - 9.00 pm
5. I draw the line at going with him to BM's house to sit the kids as I feel very uncomfortable there, so I've only seen the DSD's EOW for the last couple of months

We've always said that we would rather have the kids here, they can stay overnight and we'll get them all to where they need to go the following morning so BM can have a proper night off, but she won't have it.

Is DP unreasonable to say he won't sit over there any more?

Does anyone else have an arrangement like this?

The reason I said "frequent" was to clarify "not all". Pretty much the same meaning/intent as if I'd used "some"

do you ever feel like taking a break from being so aggressive allnew?

I don't see the requirement you felt to qualify he word "frequent" with "some" when clearly the intent and meaning is equivalent. Do you always feel the need to be so picky and pedantic?

I think suggesting that when most DC are with their NRP that they are guests is a bit steep.

I think it depends on the expectation and/or realities of all parties involved whether the DSCs see themselves/are treated as guests. So if normal life is suspended when the DSC arrive, such that the time is not normal family time but 24/7 intense entertainment, then that reinforces them as visitors rather than as part of the family. Some PWC I indeed have that expectation, I've seen a lot of it on mn. Some NRP persistently do it, and often DSC develop an expectation that special entertainment/activities are laid on for them precisely because they are visiting. Chores etc play a part as well, many NRPs/DSCs don't expect that DSCs do chores on access weekends precisely because they are 'visitors' who are not around 24/7, unlike resident children who will be expected to pitch in. A combination of these sorts of factors can strongly ensure that a 'visitor' mentality is maintained.

I'm sorry you got a flaming from the anti step brigade op. Some payers are more focusing on picking apart your"terminology" and "attitude" rather than actually helping you.

Clearly the situation isn't working for you or your dp. Maybe not even the children. Your dp needs to speak to the mum and come up with a solution that doesn't her using weekday contact to try and control your dp.

Hi OP,

I'm pretty new here and hope you're okay. To be honest this thread has me a bit scared about etiquette. I guess though if we ask for advise, then we take the good answers along with the harsher ones.

IMO, I can understand why their mum is asking for this, as I imagine the 8pm return is difficult to manage, particularly for the younger ones. I do think that overnight stays could be a potential answer. (Maybe in the future) But if I was in your shoes, I think I'd work with your DP to deal with this new arrangement. I learned from my situation that you just have to put the kids first and yourselves second, even it's a bit thankless at times.

There are probably some things that might help deal with your concerns. E.g. Like other posters have said your DP could take a packed dinner or micro meal that evening. Maybe even take a baby bag for the youngest, so everything is at hand. I would think of this evening as an activity evening for your DP and his kids. Lots of parents take their kids to evening activities which last the same kind of times, maybe think of it in the same way.

Not sure if this helps at all.

Good luck...being the new partner is hard at times and things sometimes seem unfair, but just keep thinking of what you'd like if you were in that situation.

LO

It is as dependent on the DCs expectations as it is on the NRP behaviour.

If the DCs are led to expect guest status, reinforced through draw out dramatic goodbyes, transportation of luggage, telephone/text enquiries regarding what activities the DCs have engaged in during contact and permission to opt out of contact when they don't feel like it, then they will inevitably view contact with their NRP as a leisure activity - not part of their life in the way that the RP, school and even regular childcare is viewed.

Different arrangements suit different circumstances. Some DCs benefit from having two equal homes; for others it generates too much conflicted loyalty and they need to nail their colours to one parents mast in order to remain emotionally balanced. The hard part for the NRP is knowing when to step back and accept their status in their DCs lives.

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with Allnew's last post - about step children who've come to expect access weekends to run like Butlins with real life suspended for everyone else.

I would have found step parenting far easier if we'd been able to treat DSS like a family member, rather than a VIP guest, who's arrival meant the cessation of DIY, grocery shopping, visiting the vet, having friends/relatives over etc etc.

why is it the child's fault, Petal, that they had to be treated in this way? surely it is up to you, as adults, what goes on in your home? why do you not treat the step children are part of the family if you consider that is best?

It's definitely not the child's fault. I used to advocate continuing with Real Life on access weekends, but DH was terrified that normality may not sustain DSS's interest, so used to try to do 'something special" EOW. Fine in theory, and possibly easier with younger children, but it's a real headache, not to mention expensive, finding "something special" to do with an 18 yr old male EOW. My previous threads refer!

There are different scenarios. On our case, DSSs are made very aware that their mother sees them as her possessions, and that they get to come to dads house because she "lets" them and when she lets them. That scenario alone makes it impossible to believe that the NRP house is their home, regardless of what actually goes on there EOW

surely it is up to you, as adults, what goes on in your home? why do you not treat the step children are part of the family if you consider that is best?

Because if doing that causes such a level of anxiety, stress, upset and anger for the DC because they believe it should be different then contact becomes something the DC endures rather than benefits from; and often something they opt out of.

A NRP does not always have the option of parenting their way when the DCs are in their care.

In our situation, DSS never demanded nor expected Disney treatment, it was DH's insecurity the led to all the special treatment. And it didn't matter how many bitter arguments took place, DH was too terrified of losing DSS (even though that was never even remotely likely) to allow normality EOW.

If I suggested normal family life, DH construed that as an attempt to push DSS away.