DP and babysitting - are we being unreasonable?

[FlyingBlind]

A bit of context for you. About six weeks ago BM said she wanted to stop evening visits with us (6.00 until 8.00 one night in the week), and have DP go to hers to see the kids (DSD's 9, 3, 12m) while she goes out. She says having the kids here for an evening is too disruptive as she struggles to get the into bed early enough.

After trying it out for a while we want to go back to having the kids, the reasons being:

1. DP babysitting there blurs the boundaries between what's acceptable behaviour with Mum and what's ok with Dad (we are much hotter on table manners etc)
2. BM takes the opportunity to undermine DP's parenting in front of the girls
3. The place is a tip and DP can't find anything. Formula, PJ's, nappies, wipes are always disappeared somewhere...
4. BM is always later than planned coming back and as DP goes there straight from work he hasn't been getting anything to eat until 8.30 - 9.00 pm
5. I draw the line at going with him to BM's house to sit the kids as I feel very uncomfortable there, so I've only seen the DSD's EOW for the last couple of months

We've always said that we would rather have the kids here, they can stay overnight and we'll get them all to where they need to go the following morning so BM can have a proper night off, but she won't have it.

Is DP unreasonable to say he won't sit over there any more?

Does anyone else have an arrangement like this?

Well they're not MORE important but seeing as OP and the Dad refer to contact with his children as "babysitting" and whine and bitch about him being late for dinner and how she keeps her OWN home, I am not entirely convinced that they're on the same page with regards to what's best for the children involved.

BM, Ew, Mum, whoever walked out before the baby was born

What's that about?

She walked out on her husband not her children, so why the sneeriness over her title of MUM?

BM, Ew, Mum, whoever walked out before the baby was born

This says a lot to me about why you might be having a difficult relationship with the mother. Does your DH exhibit a similar attitude towards her?

Amber, because the thread is being derailed by what's right and wrong in terms of correct title. I don't think op is trying to be sneery, just trying to get to the point

Fgs when will people realise that BM is actually quite offensive in this context!

It's not being derailed at all, it's all part of a bigger picture, which allows people to give useful opinions. The information given and the use of that term BM says a lot about the attitudes going on in this situation and is necessary to decide who is actually being unreasonable here, which is what the OP wanted.

I agree with you but not everyone knows the "rules". No need to flame and derail

Not to go off on a tangent but she is their mother. End of. Do you refer to their father as their "birth father"

I'm really concerned about your tone and whether you are speaking about the children's mother like that in front of them

And what's all this guff about both of you "supporting" her? Do you mean that your partner has been co-parenting his children? That's normal

I think the best thing is for you to take a back seat and the parents can go to mediation if needs be

And how is it helpful to assume and accuse joint resentment? I didn't get that from the post.

All your reasons for not wanting DP to spend time with (not babysit!!!) his dc at their Mum's (not BM's) house are quite feeble imo.

1. Its only for 2 hours. Why can't he correct their table manners etc in their Mums house???

2.Surely if she is going to undermine him she will do it anyway wherever they are?? 3.You try having a tidy house being a single parent with three kids that age? That just sounds snobby and condesending.

1. Really? A grown man not eating till 8.30/9.00 shock horror! Does he know how to make/buy a sandwich. He's hardly going to starve!

5.I don't think you should go. He's there to spend time with his kids and if you only see them EOW then tough. I wouldn't have wanted my kids away on a weeknight at those ages either, its too disruptive and quite frankly I would have missed them. I think your DP should just get on with it and stop moaning!

I think you're being ridiculous.

I think the overwhelmingly negative and somewhat petulant language of the OP and the fact that the OP refuses to "babysit" her DP's dc with him means that the information given and it's tone can surely only have come from her DP I would have thought. Unless the children are slagging their "BM" off too?

As an aside, isn't looking after your own children called parenting and not baby sitting?

Anyway... 8pm is too late for a pick up. Personally, I don't think an overnight in the week is a good idea - one night would be rather disruptive I think. If you live very local, perhaps 50/50 care would work better for the children.

Maybe I'm way off. Some of the points are questionable, tidy house ect, as I said in a previous post, but, when I read she didn't want to go round to their mums with him, I didn't see it as her refusing, only that, like she said, she would be uncomfortable. I get get that.

That is completely unacceptable. I would hate having to go over to my ex's to see the kids. I think the stay the night solution is the best but if she won't then your husband should say he can't see them during the week then. And ask if you can have them every weekend instead. I personally would love every other weekend and a week day off but my ex lives so far away he can only have them during the holidays sometimes which is sad for the kids and him.

Why would she go with him?
They are his kids. They want to see him.

Sometimes it is good for kids to have time with one parent without the step parent around.
It's only for 2 hours and their Mum isn't there!
My DP has his dc for 3 hours every other Friday and he picks them up from the childminder, takes them out for tea on his own and drops them back at their Mum's. I wouldn't dream of being there - it is his time with them and my time to relax!!

Surely the contact being in the kids own home is best for them??? They are at home among their toys and equipment and their mum can go out. I think it sounds ideal for all but (maybe) dp and you.

I feel sorry for the kids and their Mum. You and your DP sound clueless about the realities of getting tired children to bed, and up for school again the next day . The 'babysitting' comment got me riled too.

Amber, because the thread is being derailed by what's right and wrong in terms of correct title. I don't think op is trying to be sneery, just trying to get to the point

I dunno. I just think the OPs reluctance to address her DPs childrens Mother as such and the attitude that is behind that is key to her issue here.

I never understand the point in midweek visits when it causes such disruption for the children, to the point where it negates any benefit.

Petal, that's exactly why we don't have a mid week visit. It's a shame as dh would love that and it would save the kids going to Nan's when mum works, but what with travel time it's just not doable. We are thinking of moving closer

I agree, with children so young and the issue of bedtimes etc, the arrangement of Dad going to the childrens primary home while their Mum is out is a better alternative.

I think you're getting a bit of an unfair bashing on here, to be honest in the context of posting on a board such as this I would refer to my dps ex as BM just to make it clear who everyone is, it has no resemblance of the way I think, speak or treat her in real life.

The midweek visits to be honest are best done at the mothers house so as not to disrupt bedtime/evening routine, I think they're a little to young to be doing overnight midweeks visits purely for that reason.

I don't see any real reason given as to why your dp can't do it.

When my dc were little I used to go out and leave ex at my house once a week to spend time with them.
It wasn't great for me having to kill time out of the house but they used to love having him there to make their tea and do bath and bedtimes so I sucked it up and went to my Mums or a friends for a few hours.
Its about putting the dc and their needs above your own.