DP and babysitting - are we being unreasonable?

[FlyingBlind]

A bit of context for you. About six weeks ago BM said she wanted to stop evening visits with us (6.00 until 8.00 one night in the week), and have DP go to hers to see the kids (DSD's 9, 3, 12m) while she goes out. She says having the kids here for an evening is too disruptive as she struggles to get the into bed early enough.

After trying it out for a while we want to go back to having the kids, the reasons being:

1. DP babysitting there blurs the boundaries between what's acceptable behaviour with Mum and what's ok with Dad (we are much hotter on table manners etc)
2. BM takes the opportunity to undermine DP's parenting in front of the girls
3. The place is a tip and DP can't find anything. Formula, PJ's, nappies, wipes are always disappeared somewhere...
4. BM is always later than planned coming back and as DP goes there straight from work he hasn't been getting anything to eat until 8.30 - 9.00 pm
5. I draw the line at going with him to BM's house to sit the kids as I feel very uncomfortable there, so I've only seen the DSD's EOW for the last couple of months

We've always said that we would rather have the kids here, they can stay overnight and we'll get them all to where they need to go the following morning so BM can have a proper night off, but she won't have it.

Is DP unreasonable to say he won't sit over there any more?

Does anyone else have an arrangement like this?

She used to try to do whatever made DH's life the most difficult. In other words, he had to either do logistic nightmares or pay extra.

Well thats not what you said. You said she insisted on the midweek overnight so she could get the money.

When my ex sees my kids he takes them to his house, or wherever he chooses.

If I ask him to come to my house to look after them so that I can go out to an activity, I'd count that as babysitting. Same as if he asked me to come to his house to look after them there for some reason, that would be babysitting - sitting in someone else's house to facilitate them having a night out is babysitting whether or not they're your own children.

Parenting includes the right to decide for yourself where you and your chidlren spend their time, and to have them at your own house if you want to.

I don't see anything wrong in babysitting for your ex, by the way - it's about helping the other parent out, which is nice to do but not shouldn't be an obligatory part of parenting when you're separated. If the OP's ex doesn't want to do it (for whatever reason) then he can say no, and offer to have contact instead at that time (at his house) or not have contact, whatever his ex decides is best for the DCs.

As I said, apologies if I didn't explain very well. I just wanted to respond to the poster who mentioned CSA.

It is not baby sitting. It is seeing his children.

I think the op has gone now, don't blame her

We have the csa overnight problem too with dp exw, she literally counts on a calendar the amount of overnights and when it gets to high in the 12 months period then she will make excuses as to why the kids can't come for the weekend, so as to not lose any money, dp even sent an email so she had in writing that he would not apply to get the csa amount dropped but makes no difference.

Gosh! , my dh and his xgf never went through csa, they agreed an amount and he pays it. He'll also pay towards uniform/trips ect. This csa thing sounds like pay per view!

My dh still pays the same amount to mum when we take the kids away on holiday,

it can get ridiculous, however my dp still pays for half the uniforms/trips, clubs, travel card etc. which is expected by the exw and he doesn't mind at all. However you'd think if we were going to be that petty about the CSA and extra nights to payless, we would also inform them of the extra expenses he technically shouldn't pay for, or at least stop paying.

Wonder why she's so scared about money flowerpot? Maybe she's very dependent on it.

Themumsrush i wish i didnt have to use csa either but when one parent refuses to support their children the other parent has to make sure the dcs are still fed and dressed and on a low income that is hard so yes i have used the CSA to make sure im meeting my dcs needs and that their father meets their physical needs at least.

But sparkly, flower's oh said he would still pay, he just want so see his kids from the sounds of it

maybe she is dependant on it, but dp has stated several times and in writing that we won't claim the extra nights through CSA, we pay for half the kids expenses regarding school, extra circ activities and travel, which has not changed in the 4+ years they have been separated, so why she should suddenly panic is beyond me. However knowing their relationship and her past behaviour it is more to do with control.

That's why I asked why she might feel that way? Ime there's usually a reason. And no one can ever really know the dynamics of someone else's marriage or relationship even if you're with the same person.

Maybe she just doesn't trust him?

Your, I'm not knocking it, I just didn't realise it came down to how many nights the child stays where! I agree with you, I also would do all in my power to make sure my own ds is looked after.

I don't agree really, I experience first hand the relationship between my dp and his exw, and the relationship between exw and myself, I know why she is doing it but to honest not going to go into massive detail here.

My DC have overnights with their dad during the week. Used to be regularly on one night but now he is busy that night (and they have brownies/cubs/swimming other nights) so they generally don't, but otherwise it works ok. It helps that he lives about 5 miles away and he takes them to school.

I used to help at brownies and XH would come and look after the DC in my house. I found this really difficult as he wouldn't put them to bed when I would etc and I would get back and it would be awkward. Was much better when they stayed with him that night. Meant I got slightly less child maintenance but was worth it.

I agree that birth mother is a bit insulting - I am the DCs mother. And XH is their father.

We calculate the maintenance each month as it is different each month depending on how often XH has them (generally due to my sometimes working away)

Isn't CSA usually calculated on the average amount of overnights per week? Meaning that if, for example, there's a slight change of plan every now and again, there won't need to be a new assessment?

I've found the old thread about use of the term BM - it seems some things never change!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1811574-Ive-asked-MNHQ

It is based on overall nights per year but XH and I have a private agreement so there no problem altering it month by month.

OP i dont know what any of this has to do with u. It is between ur partner and the childrens mum. You are neither. You have been with your partner a maximum of what a year.

Alice, I remember that post, and the original post that started that one. Some posters, like tha one that caused that thread really will use that term with no intention of offence. I often see OW in other areas yet I don't kick off about how offensive it is