Taxi for two

[flowerpotgirl12]

Hi all,

Having a general moan as frustrated and tired (being 6 months pregnant is not helping!).

I am getting seriously hacked off at being the only person who can pick up and drop off dsc, they live a 4 hour round trip away from us, so eow or every 3rd weekend, I have to drive at around 7pm to avoid the rush hour and pick them up, then on Sunday evening do the same thing.

My DP doesn't drive and I didn't at first mind doing the journey but it beginning to really drain on me, I get up for work at 6pm daily and am usually tired anyway by the evening, even more so now prg, I have said several times that i am not comfortable doing the journey in the evening as exhausted, esp. in winter as dark, weather is bad and a lot of the route has no lighting so have to concentrate harder. I said it would be easier if we could pick them up first thing Saturday morning. The EXW has said no, either we pick them up Friday or don't see them at all.

I have suggested that perhaps if she could do the Friday drop (she finished work at 3, so misses the traffic) and means that i don't have to do an 8 hr round trip over the weekend, this was met with a no, if he wants to see them he can make the effort, or on the very rare occasion it is agreed we have to pay her!

I guess i am just generally moaning as tired and am dreading this weekends trip. I have said that when i get further along in my prg and when have new born they are going to have to sort something out as not doing it, but so far my general opinion or attempt to change or amend the situation is ignored.

sorry about typos on phone and to be honest thants really pissed me off

also in regards to staying in a hotel every other weekend. we can't afford that and would also mean that when we have a new born they wouldn't see the baby as not taking a newborn to a hotel eow. besides its nice for them to come to ours and see their family locally.

we can't move again can't afford to and we both have full time jobs /careers here. plus with a baby in the way I want to be near my family, dps family and our friends. and I honestly don't see why we should completely uproot our lives because his ex can't be reasonable andlet them go on a train eow.

flowerpotgirl I think the law and cafcas will be very much on your dps side here. She is obliged to make them available for contact, them travelling on the train with him in his time is none of her business as they are safe and looked after it is not at all age inappropriate.

I would write to her solicitor stating that in future that dp will be collecting them on Friday evenings and returning them on Sunday evenings and refusal to make them available for contact at that time as per the agreement will result in taking her to court!

Don't even mention that you wont' be driving anymore etc etc that is a red herring.

Her obligation is to make them available for contact at the agree time to their dad, it is his business what he does with them over that weekend. If she feels it is inappropriate and negligent then she can take him to court to stop contact can't she...

They would laugh in her face!

Good luck op I think your dp is lucky to have you. I assume thants has never been on that of a step situation or they might have more empathy.

He moved away from the children. If he lived near them he could see them during the week.
The children live with her so she is obviously paying the brunt of the costs.
We treat dads who make a tiny amount of effort like gods and it's wrong. Imagine what people would say about a woman who did this little child care.
I'm not blaming the step mother at all, the father is the issue.

He wants to see them, he is happy to go and collect them but the Ex is dictating that he can't travel on the train with them - can you not see that is ludicrous and her being difficult?

thants she moved the family there and then dumped within 2 months. so actually the responsibility of the kids living far away is partly hers. it is not a tiny amount of effort and to not allow them to travel by train is being purposefully difficult.

to be honest not matter what I say you're determined to demonise and minimise my dp as a father and any effort he makes. I suspect you're exactly the sort of woman who would make things difficult as you seem to seriously dislike men.

I very much like men. Men who take their responsibilities seriously and care for their kids. My partner is a wonderful man who completely agrees that he never wants to father like this. Caring about mothers and children is not disliking men.

thants this is the last time I'll respond to you. my dp takes his responsibility very seriously. I'm glad your dh obviously hasn't experienced a situation like this as you seem determined to lay blame to my dp totally and refuse to acknowledged that the exw is responsible for the difficulty in collection. I care about mothers but ut doesn't automatically make them correct in their actions regardless.

Thanks to all who responded with helpful comments

I don't understand why non steps come on this forum then attempt to flame the ops. Happens all the time and is rather tiresome. Well done to you op on keeping your dignity.

I hope all goes well getting the ex to see reason.

We had this situation and after years my H went to court and as mentioned a judge will be empathic to your case. Its the children's right to see the other parent and the courts will help you.Its not too expensive as it will get resolved quickly.We tolerated years of similar behaviour by the ex and the court order was a massive relief.

Please encourage your dp to get legal advice, ask for mediation as a first step and then apply to court.This could all be resolved in 6 months.

minimontys post was excellent but I noticed a stark difference.

Mini montys wife moved away. Here the dp moved away from his dc to be near his family.

I would highly suspect the courts insisted the former do the travelling more as she moved. I wud expect here that the courts will insist more flexibilty about times etc but not about the ex-w driving. After all that is forcing her to do something because her ex-p choose to move.

OP I wish you luck and hope this gets resolved for you soon. Can I be cheeky and ask that if you do go down the mediation / court route you could update us?

We are in a similar boat but we are not financially able to do mediation/court yet and DH is a worry button.

Best wishes with your pregnancy I bet you can't wait to meet your new addition to the family.

Don't let anyone on here or in RL try and make you and your DH feel guilty for wanting a family.

Ive been made to feel guilty on some threads for having the audacity to have children with DH. Where 99pct of pregnant women on mumsnet are supported by the sisterhood we stepmothers and second wives are often treated appallingly by some posters.

In my experience the courts don't look at who's to blame for moving, there is usually a valid reason why any parent moves.Courts look to determine what resources are available to each party to ensure the children have access to both parents.

If the train is a valid option then it should be explored, my step daughters mum blocked any suggestion and in court she looked pretty silly and the judge told her!

I would encourage anyone in this situation to use the court if you have an unreasonable ex.There are real health & safety issues for anyone doing excessive driving and the courts acknowledge this.

Flowerpot & step monster, I would encourage you to get this resolved, a new baby places additional strains and you can end up feeling resentful if your partners don't act to protect you.I am still haunted by the ex's spiteful behaviour when we had a newborn which seemed to escalate when our Ds was born.The ex had remarried at that time and had other children so her behaviour was not rational.

My h did eventually act but a lot of resentment had built up and that impacts our relationship today.

PS the ex's aim was to make it difficult for h to be involved as a dad as she wanted the new husband to be daddy.I'm so grateful he did fight to remain in contact as the ex divorced her 2nd husband (had yet another affair) and now that stepfather is not involved at all in my step daughters life.Her & h are close and as she's a teen she is able to articulate how abandoned she would have felt had he succumbed to the ex's pressure.The court order for shared driving made it possible

PS the ex's aim was to make it difficult for h to be involved as a dad as she wanted the new husband to be daddy.I'm so grateful he did fight to remain in contact as the ex divorced her 2nd husband (had yet another affair) and now that stepfather is not involved at all in my step daughters life.Her & h are close and as she's a teen she is able to articulate how abandoned she would have felt had he succumbed to the ex's pressure.The court order for shared driving made it possible

Flowerpot are you sure thants isn't your dp's ex?

similar situation here- 15 & 14yr olds aren't allowed to go two stops on the train by themselves to visit their dad, but can go 8 stops and change trains to go to the beach with their friends

Trooper - though I'm not actually so sure that "shock" is the right response as that sort of petty nastiness is very common amongst the sort of ex who messes about with contact. Just shows that it's nothing to do with concerns about train travel and everything to do with control and spite, and ensuring life is made as difficult as possible for their ex.