Taxi for two

[flowerpotgirl12]

Hi all,

Having a general moan as frustrated and tired (being 6 months pregnant is not helping!).

I am getting seriously hacked off at being the only person who can pick up and drop off dsc, they live a 4 hour round trip away from us, so eow or every 3rd weekend, I have to drive at around 7pm to avoid the rush hour and pick them up, then on Sunday evening do the same thing.

My DP doesn't drive and I didn't at first mind doing the journey but it beginning to really drain on me, I get up for work at 6pm daily and am usually tired anyway by the evening, even more so now prg, I have said several times that i am not comfortable doing the journey in the evening as exhausted, esp. in winter as dark, weather is bad and a lot of the route has no lighting so have to concentrate harder. I said it would be easier if we could pick them up first thing Saturday morning. The EXW has said no, either we pick them up Friday or don't see them at all.

I have suggested that perhaps if she could do the Friday drop (she finished work at 3, so misses the traffic) and means that i don't have to do an 8 hr round trip over the weekend, this was met with a no, if he wants to see them he can make the effort, or on the very rare occasion it is agreed we have to pay her!

I guess i am just generally moaning as tired and am dreading this weekends trip. I have said that when i get further along in my prg and when have new born they are going to have to sort something out as not doing it, but so far my general opinion or attempt to change or amend the situation is ignored.

Your having the piss taken out of you. No way would i of even started doing this.

Just stop doing it, simple

Not your problem

Why won't she allow them on a train with their dad? That's ridiculous. Surely that would be a safer option for them than allowing an exhausted pregnant woman to drive them late at night? (Not saying your not a safe driver, but driving tired is not good....)

I agree that he needs to get a court order in place for access. Maybe if someone impartial told her that she's being daft re train/option of picking up on sat morning she might realise how unreasonable she is being?but I might be grasping at straws there.
I think he is giving too much weight to pissing her off and not enough to pissing off his pregnant partner.

Call her bluff. Do absolutely nothing. The kids will be bugging her to let them see Dad, and why is it we can't see him again? Because Mum won't get off her backside and be fucking civil for the kids sake.

God, I could write reams about the unfairness that can exist where one of the separated parents refuses to co-operate about transportation for contact. It's a particular bugbear of mine as DP has spent more than a decade spending 9 hours EOW fetching and carrying as his ex refused to drive a single inch - even though SHE created the distance (with no pressing need to do so) and, went back on all her promises to help ease the practical arrangements arising from HER choice. Completely appreciate the inflexibility of ex refusing to compromise on timings, and the thing of not being there when kids are returned - plus of course the strain of driving long distances in the dark/snow/heavy rain, not to mention the cost. Obviously my DP has never been pregnant when doing all this but it was, and still is (though has lessened as kids are now older and come less) a huge stress and strain which also really ate into his/our weekend when any plans had to be juggled around the inevitable long journey back.

"At least" DP was their parent, although it was still very unfair and made me seethe with rage that his ex could unilaterally decide to move then refuse to help one little bit leaving us with a very real time and money consideration if DP were to see his kids at all. You though, they're not your children and you're pregnant, so no way should you feel obligated to continue with this regardless of emotional blackmail and alienation crap from ex to kids.

Clearly your DP not being able to drive complicates things but there are ways this could be eased - by train travel, and/or by her doing some or all of the driving. Fully appreciate the whole bloody "don't want to rock the boat" thing but what is the alternative ? You may well find that if she's told you can no longer do this, and if she vetoes the train, then if she still wants her "free" weekends she'll have to drive .... but if she digs her heels in then, as Pooka suggests, DP is going to have to consider legal action. If she's the sort to threaten non contact unless she gets her own way, then applying for a contact order sooner rather than later is essential - I see she has history, and hope you have a record of this. DP must show he's given her every opportunity to be reasonable - by, for example, suggesting alternatives to the current arrangement, but if she knocks that back (and it should be in writing) then he needs to apply to court. Issues like travel arrangements can be incorporated into contact orders but you need to be careful not to set a precedent of "doing it all" for a substantial amount of time or, and I speak from (bitter) experience of having a DP who prevaricated about getting a contact order for years due to fear of "rocking the boat", you may well find a judge to be less than sympathetic and not order fair travel arrangements. (In our case, the ex was ordered to meet DP halfway every 4th visit - it works out that DP is therefore still doing, and paying for, about 87% of the travel required which is obviously still crap). That's why it's important for him to get things moving legally asap if she won't be reasonable.

Whatever - it's absolutely not your responsibility to be doing this. It's ridiculous, and I certainly wouldn't have felt happy driving so far from home when in the latter stages of pregnancy - let alone considering the physical discomfort.

I'm sorry that the ex will give it all the "they don't care about you" shite .... I don't know how old the kids are but unless they're tiny I don't think there's anything wrong in emphasising how much you want to see them but how it's impossible for you to do this, similarly, according to how old they are I don't think it'd be unreasonable to explain how this is an issue for mum and dad to sort out, that it's not Flowerpot's responsibility and that she's done everyone a huge favour because she's so nice but it simply isn't possible any more. Explain that dad could collect them EOW via train but unfortunately mum doesn't want him to do that ..... okay, I know that's not ideal by involving them but again, what's the alternative ? .... that they believe their dad no longer wants to see them. He needs to explain how much he really does and the lengths he'll go to to achieve that. Otherwise, they could well start to believe their mum's nasty rubbish and start to "refuse" contact themselves if they believe they've been pushed out. (again, speak from experience - though IME it was general shit stirring as opposed to transport issues causing that particular problem). Years down the line though I know that where you have an unreasonable selfish and spiteful ex who doesn't care about the effect of such things on her own kids, it's imperative to try and nip this sort of thing in the bud before it escalates. Doing nothing and hoping she'd "come round", "lose interest" (in being a bitch) or suddenly "find a conscience" didn't work for us.

Your partner needs to sort it not you. The mother of the children is looking after them 99% of the time so the least he can do is make the effort collect his children for the tiny amount of time he cares for them. What would he do if he weren't with you?

It is not up to her to "allow" the kids on a train. Your DP can decide what he does with them during his contact time. He can take them on trains for the entire weekend if he wants. If she's refusing to let him have them at agreed times, then he needs to go to court to get it formalised.

I can see it is more difficult to get her to actually put the DCs on a train herself, but that's something you could work up to in time - once the DCS are confident with the journey they may be able to exert some pressure for that themselves.

Ok, so how about you go and pick them up, and then DP takes them back on the train? Ex can't say anything about it then, they will already be home and will clearly be fine.

Otherwise you (your DP) has no choice but to arrange contact through the courts, and Ex will have to suck it up.

It's sounds awful but just refuse point blank to do the driving. It isn't safe for you to be up from 6am, working all day then driving from 7pm - 11pm. Never mind being pregnant as well.

I feel for you with being put between your DP and his ex. DH's ex was a nightmare when we got together/had a baby/got married, basically any major event in our lives. She'd start being a bitch over how DH is a crap dad as he couldn't see DSD except at the weekend - well duh he worked away from early hours Monday till late Friday so he could pay maintainence. She'd also expect us to be babysitters over Christmas and have DSD whenever she wanted a night out but then cancel with 'you don't need to have DSD now I'm not going out'. Pissed me right off.

Your DP needs to get his head out of the sand and see a soliciter to get access set in stone. Whether it be he goes by train, his DC get a train by themselves (easier as they get older) or they get picked up Saturday morning. That way if his ex refuses she's in breach of a court order and can end up in trouble.

It's hard taking such a hard line about it but its the only way his ex will stop controlling your lives which is what she's doing now. On the plus side your step kids will see that your DP is trying to keep up contact, even if their mother is being awkward on purpose.

OP, I see you've already had some excellent advice. I still think your saving grace may be the ex's keen-ness to enjoy her child-free weekends.

Have you actually forced her to stick to her guns about not letting you have the SC unless it's all done her way? Can you sacrifice a while of not seeing them while she realises you mean it and then gives in because she wants her free time? We had to do that, but it was worth it in the end and she no longer feels she can dictate what happens when DSS is with us.

thanks all for the advice, there was a period when I couldn't pick them up a few months ago, and he went down on the train to collect them, but having travelled for hours, he got to the door and she refused to let the kids out and called the local police, so hours of journey wasted and upset caused to DP and kids as he wasn't allowed them.

Due to that incident and the fact I couldn't do the drive, he ended up not seeing them for 2 months, which was really upsetting for him and kids, luckily the older one has a mobile, so he spoke to both regularly as he's not allowed to call the landline.

After much arguing the only reason he got to see them was because I was able to do the drive, as we just couldn't pay her to drop them down, which is what she wanted.

I think I will discuss with him again and give him a specific date as my last weekend of doing the run, and sticking to it, and just be prepared for the fact that we may have to go to court to get it sorted.

Thants - I wouldn't say he cares for them a tiny amount, eow and a large portion of the holidays, I wouldn't say is a tiny amount, and he does make an effort, he isn't medically able to drive, he is not allowed by the ex to get the train, we can't afford to pay her £60 one way to drop kids off, she won't consider meeting half way, what is there left??

I actually had to check the name at the top of the op in case I'd posted and forgotten about it.

we have exactly the same situation....... dp moved back here when he split from ex (170 miles away from dsc) due to his dad being ill, she met him halfway for drop off and pick ups until we moved in together now she refuses to bring them halfway, so dp was driving all the way there and back one weekend a month plus school holidays.

dp had an accident earlier in the year and is unable to drive at the moment he isn't even supposed to be sat in the car for more than 20mins at a time he practically begged ex to bring them to us or at least meet halfway but she refused, then she said she would meet halfway if we gave her the £80 per journey so £160 per visit that she claims it costs her in petrol I drive a 4x4 and the full journey there and back costs me £90 so no way her tiny car takes that much, we cant afford that at the best of times never mind with dp off sick and only getting ssp!

so I've been doing the driving although I refuse to do it on a Friday night because I don't finish work till 6.30pm after starting at 7.30am and wouldn't get to them till at least 9pm and I also won't do the drive on a Sunday as I then end up driving for at least 6hours and am knackered for work the next day. dp is supportive in this and we decided that we would have the kids for all school holidays which ex was happy with since the kids just "interfere with her social life" (her words), so handovers would be Saturday's.

however she still insists that the time changes ie instead of a 3pm pick up we must pick up at 9am or drop home at 5pm on Sunday when dp says no she would rather dump the kids on grandparents/uncle/friends/leave 15yr old dsd in charge of 10yr old dss then stick to arranged plans.

we've just had an incident where we refused to drop them home on Sunday so she refused to let dsc come for half term, she plays the "you can't even be bothered to have your children for an extra night" card which makes dp feel awful but the fact is if I'm off sick with exhaustion (had 8 weeks off last year with chronic fatigue and still not back to full strength) and not being paid we won't be able to afford to have dsc at all.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth - urg it is so draining, a lot of the pre existing arrangements for the years before we were together, all stopped the minute we moved in together, as though it's my problem now! I think the difference is you have more support from your DH regarding saying no etc. And I really resent paying her to do it, it costs at most £30 for her to do the journey, now paying for petrol I would still be annoyed by but at least understand, making a 50% profit on a drive is ridiculous.

How much would the train cost for your DP to go and get them, travel home with them and then take them back anyway? Is it a lot cheaper than just paying her the £60?

You need to put your foot down, it's not fair on you at all to be doing this. It's your DPs responsibility to be picking his kids up or sorting out an alternative.

Why won't the ex allow them to take the train? From what you've posted, it seems like she won't allow them to take the train even if accompanied by their father.

I think the only thing left is to play hard ball here. You shouldn't be doing the drive - and it will be impossible very soon and for quite some time after the baby arrives.

I'd suggest that he writes to her setting out what is possible for him to do - e.g. train, or her driving part of the way and being met via public transport, or her driving all the way and you paying her actual petrol costs (NOT her making a bloody profit out of the situation - cheeky bitch). Maybe there's a coach with a steward that could be used for most of the journey ? ... he could suggest that too. Also lay out, in view of trains etc. what would be reasonable pick up and drop off times - it's no good her insisting they aren't returned before such and such a time if that then means DP's missed the last train home.

In other words : here are all possible solutions - unless you (ex) can think of any others. What would you like to do ? He'd then have written proof that he's tried to solve this, that he's not laying down the law, that he's trying to find a compromise .... and then, if she refuses all suggestions without good and genuine reason for doing so he whips her lazy spiteful arse into court pronto. I can't emphasise enough how important this is so things don't drag on - waiting for her to be reasonable, and if she starts messing with contact, means she then has more opportunity to drip poisonous lies.

I KNOW, totally, how bloody awful it is to go to court (you can self rep BTW so it doesn't have to be too expensive) and then there's the whole "daddy's forcing mummy through court, oh woe is me" crap that'll probably ensue but doing nothing is worse. If you don't already, you need to keep a detailed record of everything related to travel and contact - showing when you've been reasonable, and she hasn't. I know your DP will be frightened at the prospect but if, like mine, he leaves it for years in the hope of a miracle, he'll have a much much larger mess to ultimately sort out.

Hopefully it won't come to that - he may find actually that if his proposals re contact and travel were presented in a semi formal manner via a solicitor's letter that that might put the wind up her a bit and scare her into being sensible. The solicitor can - hopefully tactfully - outline the possibility of further legal action if it's not resolved.

Oh, and solicitor's letter can also point out that as an equal parent, DP has every right to choose to use a train to facilitate contact !

it took a long time for dp to stand up to her and say no, when it was him doing the driving he would agree to whatever she demanded so he got to see the kids, it's only because he has had to rely on me to do the driving that he has had to start saying no because I point blank refuse to do it.

I love my dsc but I never want to be as ill as I was last year, I couldn't even get out of bed by myself so I won't go along with her when she issues orders although I do feel awful when she stops contact.

she also insists that I park around the corner as she doesn't want to see me (shes threatened to kill me in the past) and will only hand them over to dp so he has to injure a long painful car journey which also means stopping every 20mins so he can get out of the car and move around which means the journey takes at least 4hrs each way if the traffic is ok.

I would quite happily give her £40 to meet half way but she insists it's £80 or nothing but then this is the women who moved her boyfriend in 24 hours after introducing him to the kids so I suppose nothing she does should surprise me.

Smiling - that's utterly appalling too. I feel absolutely murderous when I read other stories about exes who are so selfish and spiteful. Your poor DP being forced to endure prolonged and unnecessary pain otherwise he won't get to see his own children. What a bitch.

Sounds like you need to apply legal action too. I can't see any judge being impressed with an ex using emotional blackmail to inflict pain (literally) on her former partner, nor with one looking to make a profit out of transporting her own children to see their father - which is a relationship that should be encouraged of course for the children's good.

when dp is back at work we will be taking her to court to get a court order in place but currently we can't afford too not that she pays any attention to the last one!

sorry for hijacking OP my advice is to decide when you want to stop doing the journey, tell them both and then stick to your guns and don't let either of them guilt you into doing anything unless you want too.

She won't allow the train on the Friday evening as a long journey and it's too late, even if my DP goes down and meets them at her house, so none of the travelling is done alone by the sc, and we can only have them for the weekend if picked up on the Friday.

The train is a lot cheaper as DP has a special travel card meaning their journeys are both under a tenner and his covered.

It's not your place to be picking up the kids anyway, the 2 of them should be sorting it out between them. What would happen if you left him? How would he see his kids then? It's utterly ridiculous and you need to say enough is enough and refuse to pick them up. Sorry to sound so harsh but I think your being a mug. Your partner either gets her to do it or they come by public transport or not at all.

thanks catsmother, I think you're right, I will speak to him regarding writing a letter to her and giving him a stop date for the driving. Hopefully we can stop anything escalating to much before court but I suspect not.

Smilingthroughgrittedteeth - hijack away :). I feel your pain! reckon now is the time to get tough, well me to get tough and our DP to both get tougher on their exw.

She won't allow the train on a Friday because ........... she's being a controlling bitch ! It has nothing to do with late nights, that's just a convenient excuse to make her sound like a concerned mother. The reality is that every 2nd or 3rd weekend a late night won't kill either child - especially when there's no school the next day and they can sleep in if necessary. Given that the train is also a cost effective option it makes sense to do the journey that way - any normal person would be able to see that. When it comes down to it, what's more important ? ..... a slightly tired child (maybe) who can catch up on their sleep anyway if that means their relationship with their dad is sustained ? .... or a child who isn't tired, but who doesn't get to see their dad. It's a no brainer isn't it. She doesn't have those kids' best interests at heart does she, no way.