When a husband loves daughter more than wife, how do you cope?

[RonnieScott]

My husband (of eight years) doesn't love me. I am his housekeeper, joint wage earner, sexual partner, mother of two of his children but he gets his emotional fulfillment from his 15 year old daughter. I feel so rejected and lonely. He (and I know I will be flamed for this) acts like he is in love with her. He hangs on her every word, laughs at all her jokes, asks her opinion on everything ( and listens intently). When he is on the phone to her, he talks in a lowered voice, giggles like a teenager, he blows kisses to her and tells her how much he loves her, that he cannot wait to see her. They act like they are teenage lovers. I am invisible when she is here. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am a grown woman in my thirties and I long for mutual affection and companionship but how can I compete? I thought this would get easier but as she gets older they become more of a couple. We went on holiday last month, it was so emotionally draining. He spent the whole time trying to find excuses to be alone with her, do stuff with her. I wish I could turn a blind eye and do my own thing. I wish this whole mess didn't make me feel so rejected and unhappy. I try so hard to love her but I resent her so much and I'm starting to hate him. We had a massive row when he went to collect her this weekend. He called me disgusting and sick. I feel that he's right. This is such a mess.

Hmm I don't really no what to say but 1) your not disgusting or sick it does seem a bit of a weird relationship to me so I don't think your alone there. Sorry I'm to much help I'm sure someone will come along soon

What did he say when you brought it up?

Hawkmoth, he honestly doesn't see my problem, he thinks I'm completely unreasonable. He says he loves his daughter and he says I'm jealous because my Dad didn't show me (in his opinion) 'proper' love.
My father has always loved and supported me. No, he hasn't ever blown kisses down the phone to me etc, I suppose I would of been a bit freaked out if he did.

my dad loves me more than anything but doesn't behave like that around me. I'd be very uncomfortable if he did.

That is very strange. I'm very close to my dad (I'm now 44, dad is 71) and I enjoy his company but my relationship has only ever been a normal daughter/father one.

Has he put her on a pedestal do you think? How does she react around him? Does she have a boyfriend.

It sounds like he is a bit besotted.

Counselling? I think you really need to talk it over with a professional, either alone or together. Otherwise it will definitely lead to a break up. Counselling may help you decide that a split is needed or help you both manage this. It sounds very difficult.

The relationship a seems to have gone beyond the boundaries of father/daughter relationship. It doesn't sound good.

I hope most parents love their children more than their husband / wife.

However, what you are describing sounds slightly more intense than the traditional unconditional love a parent has for a child.

IIRC there was a similar thread about Mothers and teenage boys a while ago, I'll see if I can find it....one theory seemed to be that parents realise that they are soon to lose their child to adulthood and go a bit batty about them.

Here

Does anyone have any suggestions where I could find a decent counselor? One that would have experience of this type of thing? Or any books? I'm seriously at the point where I want to walk but we have children and are tied up financially. I know that marriage isn't supposed to be easy but surely you shouldn't feel so completely unfulfilled and unhappy the whole time (I've felt like this for a long time). I feel like i'm trapped and living a life sentence with my husband.

Isn't it fairly natural/common to love your children more than your spouse? Add to that the fact that, by the sound of things, the step daughter is living apart from her dad at least some of the time, which is very likely to add poignancy and intensity to his love for her, and it doesn't sound like an obviously problematic relationship.

Is there an underlying problem that you don't feel loved enough by your husband? Is that the real issue and is it making you jealous of his other natural affections?

That is fucking weird, sorry.

I would be out of there like a shot.

There's more than one issue here that needs detangling - you poor thing. I would start with your least controversial one, your marriage. Book relate for a start, and start to think how much you want to stay in it.

Yes, most people love their DC more than their spouse. The love should, however, not be the same type of love they should show their spouse.

Sorry to be blunt but your DH's behaviour doesn't sound normal. I would be very uncomfortable if my DF behaved that way to me.

I think marriage counselling may help.

This is called spousification, and it is all about the blurring of the boundaries between adult and child roles in a family. You aren't the one with a problem here, and don't let your DH make you feel that you are.

Sometimes it results in the daughter (or son) carrying too much adult responsibility, as when the daughter steps in to take over the traditional female housekeeping roles, or being too responsible for the father's emotional support.

Sometimes, the daughter only takes on certain more 'attractive' aspects of the maternal role - all the privileges and power of the adult role with none of the responsibility.

My DSD fit into the latter category. I know exactly where you are coming from. I spent more than two years being the housekeeper/nanny for other DSC before things really started to turn around. It is much, much better now.

I should say that I never felt that my DH loved his DD more than me, or felt that it was a competition - for one thing, it didn't look like 'adult love' - it was more that I found the whole thing incredibly irritating and it got in the way of our growing relationship. I wanted to be treated with respect, and frankly, it's not respecting your date/partner/wife to ignore them, sideline them, or refuse them privacy, or expect them to not act as head of household in their own home. I put my foot down, hard.

I recommend this book a lot, but I think it is particularly useful on the subject of roles and boundaries around the adult relationship. It is called Stepcoupling, by Susan Wisdom.

My DH has never behaved like that to his DD (my DSD). If he did and it was making me so unhappy, I'd consider leaving the marriage.

It doesn't sound like you are suggesting anything untoward is going on. More that he is a little obsessed- maybe overcompensating, but is he making you feel pushed out and how is he with the children you have together?

A couple we know had an issue a bit like this. He seemed infatuated with their older daughter. They would share little jokes at the exclusion of everyone else, twiddle with each others fingers, we would all be having a meal out together and they would be in their own little bubble. It was often uncomfortable and embarrassing.

That marriage didn't survive, not because of the father/daughter relationship but because there were all sorts of other faults in the marriage. It didn't help though. You have the added problem of it being your stepdaughter and anything you say will be seen as jealousy or resentment, but then maybe it is. I don't blame you.

OP, the thing that really, really, got through to my DH was not that it was hurting our relationship, but when a counselor put it to him very bluntly that he was hurting his daughter. That she wasn't being able to be a child, or have age-appropriate expectations, that he was setting her up for social failure with her peers, and that he was laying the foundation for a really dysfunctional future when it came to her own love life and relationships.
That woke him up.

You poor thing I feel for u. Something quite similar here and it stil gets me down although we don't see as much of dsd now thank god but wen we did the change in dp was dramatic! And I lost so much respect for him.... To see him running around after a brat being told to pass them things so they don't have to get off their lazy backside,well it was too much! I started resenting her and avoiding seeing them together. I think she picked up on this and I don't know if she must have said something to dp but it became then that when she did call over my dp practically apologised for leaving the room (making me feel great!!) she is grown up and gone to uni now so defused that situation. It stil grates on me now though and it is definitely to do with the split and not being able to be around them as much as he'd like.

I second everything brdgrl says.
Dh had even admitted strangers looked at him suspiciously when out with dsd!
I also tried books (which he also read, including Covert Incest, Patricia Love) and simply explaining to him, but nothing changed his mind as much as our couple counselor. Same argument used as above, he was essentially ruining her life.
This then stopped and dsd and I have a really good relationship (she stopped hating and sidelining me).
Then I had the same routine when dh decided to be BFF with dss?! Same answer from counselor. Leave the boy alone to socialise with peers ffs.
Since about a month now things have normalized and dh tries to lead by example, his dc are notably content and feel fine towards me, no longer their perceived rival.
Without this adult team/ dc team in place a marriage cannot function.
Good luck!

I have to say my husband loves me more than his kids. He loves them to bits but in a totally different way. I love them both equally but in different ways. My husband says that he puts me first because I am his life partner and will be with him forever but his kids are only loaned to him and will go off and find their own partners and families when they time comes.

I think the love for a child and the love for a partner are different. Agree completely with everything Brdgrl says.

I wonder too how your other children feel OP. Do they also get sidelined when DSD is there? Does your DH make them feel that they also are not as important as his other DD? That would be terrible.

It sounds to me as though your DH feels guilty, and he is trying to assuage his own guilt (about not being a nuclear, full time family with his DD) by "making it up" to his DD. It really won't do her any favours. Or him. Or his other children.

I also agree with brd This is spousification: it is insidious and destructive.

"Isn't it fairly natural/common to love your DC more than your DH? "

There has been a little outbreak on threads about this in recent days (to the extent that journalistic research was suspected). No, it is neither normal nor common. Love doesn't set up false oppositions and comparisons between family members, and this also means that it isn't a competition between OP and her DSD. For, as a poster on one of the other threads pointed out "If I loved DW like I did DC, then my sex life would end; if I loved DC like DW I'd be arrested".

The problems in your marriage are not caused by DH's relationship with his DD, but are being shown up by your response to them. You say you feel as if you are taken for granted, and that life is stale. These are areas you can change (on the assumption you want to repair your marriage).

What aspects of your marriage have changed recently? What could you do to change them back? What is communication between you like in areas other than parenting?