When a husband loves daughter more than wife, how do you cope?

[RonnieScott]

My husband (of eight years) doesn't love me. I am his housekeeper, joint wage earner, sexual partner, mother of two of his children but he gets his emotional fulfillment from his 15 year old daughter. I feel so rejected and lonely. He (and I know I will be flamed for this) acts like he is in love with her. He hangs on her every word, laughs at all her jokes, asks her opinion on everything ( and listens intently). When he is on the phone to her, he talks in a lowered voice, giggles like a teenager, he blows kisses to her and tells her how much he loves her, that he cannot wait to see her. They act like they are teenage lovers. I am invisible when she is here. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am a grown woman in my thirties and I long for mutual affection and companionship but how can I compete? I thought this would get easier but as she gets older they become more of a couple. We went on holiday last month, it was so emotionally draining. He spent the whole time trying to find excuses to be alone with her, do stuff with her. I wish I could turn a blind eye and do my own thing. I wish this whole mess didn't make me feel so rejected and unhappy. I try so hard to love her but I resent her so much and I'm starting to hate him. We had a massive row when he went to collect her this weekend. He called me disgusting and sick. I feel that he's right. This is such a mess.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

We're closing this to new posts now as it's a zombie thread.

[Gaia17]

The thread might be old but the topic is not
If don't fancy reading it just skip it
Simple

[19lottie82]

THIS THREAD IS NINE YEARS OLD

[fuckoffImcounting]

Hi OP,
Sorry you are going through this. Google Covert Incest and also Spousification and see if these throw any light.

[Stellaenri]

You are not alone. We have the same story. Mine is worst! My ex husband left me, moved out and rented a bedroom for him together with his daughter in that room! who is 21 years old! Sooooooo Weired! He said he left me because his priority is his daughter and his job. That’s why I decided to just move on with my life. They are not worth it! I am more happier now than when I’m with them. I spend all my time with them more than my own 3 teenage boys. Now, I get to be a better mother to my boys. Than when those 2 horrible people are with us. No more tension! Feels Great to have a normal life.

[Tattler2]

OP, if your husband no longer loves you. Preventing him from showing affection (appropriate or inappropriate) will not force him to love you. Nor will it redirect or restore his love for you.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to get professional help in dealing with the change in your adult relationship. There is no shame in recognizing and accepting the fact that your spouse's feelings towards you have changed. You need not look for attribution of someone to blame. That will not resolve your issue. A good counselor can assist you in coming to terms with the status of your marriage and a consultation with an attorney might position you for the appropriate legal steps should that become necessary.

Many spouses experience change of feelings about their partners. In many cases , it has nothing or little to do with other people. Feelings, interests, desire, can change and those things cannot always be rekindled.

What can change is your ability to take charge and of the reality that is currently your life situation. You say that he does not love you and you may no longer love him. That is the reality with which you must deal.

[stripeyflowers]

@Mojavewonderer

I have to say my husband loves me more than his kids. He loves them to bits but in a totally different way. I love them both equally but in different ways. My husband says that he puts me first because I am his life partner and will be with him forever but his kids are only loaned to him and will go off and find their own partners and families when they time comes.

Yes, it will be interesting to see how he reacts when his daughter starts dating. It sounds like he loves being idolised and looked up to.

[CAO8]

I was trying to reply to Blanking post - who was at the bottom of page 4, but somehow my post ended up in the middle Sorry for the confusion.

[CAO8]

Hi,
This is an old post that your are commenting on, however I felt compiled to rely because this topic is very rare - where the father puts the children first above the marriage. Not too many cases that I have found relatable on social media. This thread is the closest. To elaborate, the father is obsessed with their daughter/kids lives with NO physical inappropriateness nor incest is present. However, it is socially inappropriate and disrespectful to the wife. I believe your case is that the father is emotionally 100% fulfilled by your daughter. I too, and going through the same thing. Never is my dreams that this could happen…a father who is content on living through their children’s lives forever. I’m trapped…done counseling…stupid me had another child 8 years later…going on 13 years of marriage. Wasted my 20d and most of my 30s on being unhappy thinking it was a phase or that it will change as she gets older. In all fairness, I can’t beat myself up because I came from a broken home where my parents cared more about party and friends then I found the opposite…a doting father to the MAX! The fact is your husband won’t change it will get worse. He actulally believes he is not doing anything wrong. When you become empty nesters you’ll look at each other like strangers and your husband will go through withdrawals when your daughter finds love/partner, but might start back up again if she has a family of her own. I want you to know that you are not crazy and this is not a normal marriage. You will go crazy if you pick apart and analysis what went wrong. Bottom line this will get worse and he is raising a little narcissist child who will believe the world revolves around them. Good luck. Wish I could give you my contact information the we could exchange stories, while drinking wine! Cheers and I hope you have a good support team (just make sure it’s not the moms at your daughters school).

[Tattler2]

I don't children care about being treated the same,but I do think that they care about being treated fairly and being loved and valued by their parents. I would imagine that most children love both parents, but I don't necessarily think that they experience both parents in the same way.

My daughter got a new car for her birthday ; my much younger son got some sporting equipment. It was a vast difference in cost and certainly not the same, but both kids were happy for themselves and each other. The sameness and fairness came in the sense that both got exactly what they wanted.

Kids are not dumb. They can tell the difference between positive and negative treatment and interest and disinterest. Kids quite often do not necessarily love people who are not their parents and probably do not expect to be loved by these people, but they always expect good treatment from people who are presented to them as people with whom they have some level of connectedness.

[Tailendofsummer]

It's just popping up in active convos. Only tells you it's a zomb if you're the first one to post.

[DismantledKing]

Oh for fuck’s sake! How many times must this zombie thread be resurrected?

[Tailendofsummer]

I suppose I mean you have unconditional love for your children. That's as strong as it comes! I love dh very much but it is conditional - if he had affairs or hurt me that love could stop. Wouldn't work like that for the dc.

[harryclr]

Hmmmm i dont necessarily agree that you 'should' love your children more than your wife/partner. Its important children see love between their parents and you need to ensure you are happy as individuals and a pair in order to have a happy family life.

Anyway OP, how does he behave with your joint children? Are they boys or girls? It would upset, confuse and piss me off if he expressed more love to her rather than our children.

[Tailendofsummer]

A spouse isn't supposed to be your no.1 priority, if you have dependent children! Most parents love their dc more deeply than their partners. Dh and I would both save our dc in the old house-fire scenario, not each other.

[SickOfCrap]

@XelaM

I have an extremely close relationship with my dad. We have the same interests and can talk for hours on end whereas my mum would get bored and ho to bed. But it never caused an issue and my parents are very happily married. My mum has never competed with me gor my dad's attention. That would be very odd. I think you need to stop competing with your step-daughter and concentrate on doing nice things as a couple to try to save your marriage

She's not competing with anyone. A husband is a husband and a father is a father. He's got both responsibilities. Treat your kid like your kid and your wife like your woman, not the opposite!

[SickOfCrap]

I don't cope. I get the F# out, because this is very weird and disturbing.
Could never be in a relationship like this. Sorry!

[XelaM]

I have an extremely close relationship with my dad. We have the same interests and can talk for hours on end whereas my mum would get bored and ho to bed. But it never caused an issue and my parents are very happily married. My mum has never competed with me gor my dad's attention. That would be very odd. I think you need to stop competing with your step-daughter and concentrate on doing nice things as a couple to try to save your marriage

[dorris88]

I remember cringing when my dad called me beautiful when I was around 15.

It is weird.

However I'm unsure whether your exaggerating it because you are actually jealous.

[Floatingbread]

Hey! I don’t think your weird for feeling that way. He is prioritizing your daughter instead of his wife. Ofc both should be a priority, but a spouse is supposed to be the number one priority above all! That’s why spouses are literally labeled “life partners” and the child isn’t. A parent should never have their emotional needs met by their child. Never. It should always be the spouse. It’s literally how it went before the child and it’s supposed to be that way after. They aren’t being a good spouse at all. I’m sorry. I can relate. My husband doesn’t see it this way either. It’s heartbreaking and leaves you feeling so alone and helpless. Try going to a couples therapy so an outside perspective could try explain why it’s wrong what he’s doing. You don’t deserve to be miserable in a relationship just because they don’t know what the importance of a spouse is after having a daughter. It’s terrible.

[Fondip]

Thanks @SandyY2K I read that, just wanted to write anyway as I guess others may have similar issues and find this thread...

[SandyY2K]

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

[Fondip]

"Saying that people should love their children more than the person they have chosen to spend their whole life with and create a family with is a ridiculous thing to say. The love between partners is just as important, if not more important because you want to show your children how to love and respect well."


Not ridiculous at all, you must be deluding yourself if you actually believe it to the point to say its ridiculous! I assure you, go and ask 10 random people on the street. Most will reply, of course my child comes first what are you on about. Then they'll also say but I also love my dh/dp, it's just a different kind of love. Of course loving your dp is important, but love of a child can never, under Normal circumstances, surpass that... The problem is that step parents see the child as competition. Recipe for an unhealthy family dynamic. Actually a non-family dynamic, as in non step families no-one questions if a dp loves the child more....

[Fondip]

It's not a competition. For what it's worth the love of a child would and should outweigh love of everything else. Parental and marital love are different kinds of love. There's smt wrong in your relationship so focus on fixing that, not on a perceived competition.

[harryclr]

How does he behave / treat your joint children? Are they girls/boys?