When a husband loves daughter more than wife, how do you cope?

[RonnieScott]

My husband (of eight years) doesn't love me. I am his housekeeper, joint wage earner, sexual partner, mother of two of his children but he gets his emotional fulfillment from his 15 year old daughter. I feel so rejected and lonely. He (and I know I will be flamed for this) acts like he is in love with her. He hangs on her every word, laughs at all her jokes, asks her opinion on everything ( and listens intently). When he is on the phone to her, he talks in a lowered voice, giggles like a teenager, he blows kisses to her and tells her how much he loves her, that he cannot wait to see her. They act like they are teenage lovers. I am invisible when she is here. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am a grown woman in my thirties and I long for mutual affection and companionship but how can I compete? I thought this would get easier but as she gets older they become more of a couple. We went on holiday last month, it was so emotionally draining. He spent the whole time trying to find excuses to be alone with her, do stuff with her. I wish I could turn a blind eye and do my own thing. I wish this whole mess didn't make me feel so rejected and unhappy. I try so hard to love her but I resent her so much and I'm starting to hate him. We had a massive row when he went to collect her this weekend. He called me disgusting and sick. I feel that he's right. This is such a mess.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

I wouldn't be surprised if this is how my DH and dsd end up, the signs are all there, things already bug me but if I bring it up I'm being ridiculous. She's not even 10 yet and already has way too much say. Pretty much all of my suggestions, requests are run by her first. I never get time with DH, never get to walk with him, sit with him, do anything with him when she's here. I understand they need time together but to shut someone else out completely is wrong IMO. He will even pull me up in front of her if I've asked her to do something like tidy, make bed, take plate out, stop picking nose

[Lulube11e]

I am in exactly the situation of the original post. I have been married for 7 yrs. my husband's daughter is now 24. She is not so interested in him, but he is flushed when she is near. He fiddles with her clothing, sits very close. She is the ONLY girl for him. She has his undivided attention, he hangs on her every word, giggles with her, is interested in everything she says, looks her in the eyes, etc, etc. I am a gooseberry! I am extremely unhappy and have developed eczema in the last couple of years. I feel so alone and have wondered if I am, indeed, as he insists, insane. I just want to have a 'normal' relationship.

[Lulube11e]

What's your current situation ? What you describe is exactly what I have experienced over the last 7 years. God help us. I am in a situation that I cannot easily walk out on, though we don't have children together, we are financially enmeshed. I keep hoping that it will all miraculously change...

[Wdigin2this]

Lulube your situation sounds even more odd than the OP's! Don't beat yourself up, you're not being ridiculous and your DH's behaviour definitely doesn't sound normal!!

I would have said, if the DC in this situation were very young, that he's being over interested because he doesn't want his DC to have any reason not to visit, but at over 20 years of age, there can be no obvious reason for it.

I would agree that you should get some counciling, be very honest with your councillor, tell them exactly what you see and how it affects you....try not to get emotional (difficult I know). If the councillor is any good, they should be able to a) tell you why he behaves like this, and b) options of how to deal with it. What you do with this information, and how you proceed with your marriage should then become clearer!

[DurhamDurham]

I love my children more than I love my husband and I'm sure that my husband loves them more than he does me, I think that's how it should be. We have tow girls, aged 22 and 18, he spends a lot of time with them and is very loving towards them, it's never 'creeped' me out and I don't find it weird at all.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

You all do deserve better, it's not healthy for your DH, his daughter or you. No one wins here. I'd hate to be a husband or bf of the daughter too. There is definitely a line and he crosses it.

[swingofthings]

There are no financially linked situations that you can extract yourself from. You might end up worse off financially, but personally, I don't think there is any money in the world that is worth feeling the way you do.

[B2000]

What did you do. Are you OK now? I'm in same situation with my partner of ten years, he dotes on his 16 yr old daughter and our relationship over the last three years has been crumbling, I feel horrible. See my note thread 'Been with partner ten years won't marry'

[Stepmum82]

I am so pleased to read this thread. I feel like I'm going mad and I'm a bad person for thinking the way I have been, but I have the same issue. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and i have 2 children, my partner has an older son and a daughter, she is now 12 and it's like they are obsessed with each other! She lives with us half the time and her mum the other half. (His ex left him for someone else) I really struggle with their relationship as it's the same as what's been mentioned before. She is always by his side, constantly on the phone when she's not here, sits on his lap all the time, He runs round after her, spoils her rotten, she can do no wrong, is so spoilt and we are now at the point where we are arguing all the time about her. Hes only just stopped helping her wash her hair in the shower because I said it's not right him doing that (I was made out to be the bad one to point this out) but in my eyes she's a fully developed young woman, she's not a little girl anymore. She is very crafty in the way that she plays him to get her own way. Puts on the tears, makes him feel bad untill he gives in. Demands things from him all the time, designer clothes, bags, just stuff all the time! She is so rude to him it's embarrassing but he doesn't see there is anything wrong with her behaviour. I love him so much but I am at the point where I am so emotionally drained I just feel so down all the time as I'm the one that's made to feel in the wrong. I used the detached scenario which worked well for me. I'd let them get on with their time together, go a bit quiet when she has one of her turns or is being rude, I'd let him deal with it. I'd never say anything to him or moan about any of it but he'd just pick up that I'd go a bit quiet. But now he's saying I need to be more affectionate to her, show her I love her and want her here. I'm not horrible or rude to her, I run her about, do all the duties of cooking for her cleaning, washing, tidying, shopping but he says this is now not enough! I try so hard but whatever I do is never enough.

[swingofthings]

If you want your relationship to work, you have to be honest. Say that you respect, out of love for him, his devotion for his daughter, however, you don't feel devoted to her and actually doesn't like much the way she treats him. Say that you are prepared to tolerate her and respect their relationship, but that he can't force you to feel towards her something that isn't there. Say that things might change in the future, that when she is older, maybe you will get along better, but as it is, this is how good it is going to get.

If he loves you, he should actually feel grateful that you are not interfering and letting him be the father he wants to be with his daughter.

[Mumstheword80]

Thank you for your advice swingofthings!
I have told him I think it's great how he is so devoted as a father, I had a tough upbringing and didn't have that relationship with my dad so Think it's lovely that she has that from him. He does think I have issues from my past though so brings that up a lot but he's so blind to her behaviour. I've told him I don't accept the way she treats him and talks to him and never will as he is such a kind caring loving person. Which she takes advantage of! When we first got together I was a lot closer to her as she was a confused little girl dealing with so much crap at that time. He said one of the main reasons we moved in together was because we were so close, But now she has turned into a spoilt brat and he wants me to have the same relationship we had before, but I can't make myself feel that way about her the way she is now. I feel awful for feeling like that about his child. I don't want to loose him as what we have is so good and this is our only issue. I know I've got to put up and shut up or get out because nothing is going to change his way of thinking. He wants me to be a perfect step mum and I just don't think I've got it in me! It's helped me just getting it off my chest and posting on here lol

[Wdigin2this]

Mumstheword if you're sure nothing is s going to change his thinking, and positive that you can't continue with the situation as it is, then you have to do some serious thinking about your future with this man. Is he aware that your relationship is in danger, if not, perhaps now is the time to make it clear to him?!

[zadaddy1234]

I have bin living the same thing my step daughter is more like a wife to him then I am. They lie in bed under the covers she is in short shorts very deleloped. He is constantly having to have her next to him. She walks between us. She lies on his genitalia. She was sleeping in the coach when I woke up I saw she was uncovered her legs wide open and because she sleeps with no underwear her parts were exposed and my husband was having a coffee in front of her. I’m disgusted. I came home after a 12 hour shift to find him having a cocktail in bed with her in her short shorts. I lost it I send her out. She got angry and through all my pillows on the floor. I told her to not through the “f “ pillows. Should not have used that word. Yes. But then he comes running in telling me of so she can hear. Not to ever speak to his daughter that way and tell her to go fuck herself. I said I did not say that. I said the pillows. And he started in this strange defence towards her I was confused to say the least. And then she was screaming at me go fuck urself u fucken psycho bitch. I told him it’s not normal to see what I saw it’s inappropriate and he said “are you telling me I want to fuck my daughter “ I said. “I never said that but it’s not right to fave her in your bed. And now he has not been speaking to me for three days spending all his time with her and is telling me to get out and we are over.

[PrettyLovely1]

I love my kids more than my dh and he loves our kids more than me, I think thats normal.
What isnt normal is what you describe. That sort of behaviour would totally put me off my dh.

[Queenprawn]

Golly, no wonder you feel wretched, your child’s father is, for his own reasons, driving a wedge between you and your child. It’s emotional incest & he’s the sick one.

I have so much sympathy for you and your daughter, neither of you are to blame. This man is covering up his wrongdoing under the guise of “love”. I hope you find a councillor & the strength to leave x

[SandyY2K]

ZOMBIE THREAD

IT WAS STARTED 6 YEARS AGO.

[daftgeranium]

Just get out of there. This relationship is no good for you. You are worth better. You will have a better life without all this.

[Roseanne1980]

My so called husband puts everything & everyone first since forever. His daughter is a bitch when I've been nice to her. I suffer going without with excuses made by him why he can't help me & why I'm such a burden on him. He helps his daughter at the drop of a hat & gives her what I should have. The latest is him neglecting the maintenance of the car I drive to the point where it is dangerous to drive. He's known about these problems for a couple of years, but continues to neglect the car to where I have to worry about my life being on the line every time K drive it! I tell him the things that are wrong with it & he glazes it over. His daughter wants this BMW SUV & he suddenly has the money for her. He has life insurance on me & I believe he wants a little 'accident' to happen so his burden will disappear (yes, he said I'm a burden among other things). She always gets what I need & I always never make his priority list. This kind of thing doesn't stop, but gets worse. If he's very abusive, your burden will be unbearable, like mine.

[lunar1]

@Roseanne1980 this is a really old thread, you might get more replies if you start a new one, but honestly why are you staying with him if you think he wants you to die so he can claim insurance money?

[daftgeranium]

Roseanne, my advice is get out of there, right now. You are worth better treatment than that.

[Juleisy]

Hi, thank you very much for posting this. I had a boyfriend that I have just broken up with and it was the same situation. Or in the future it would have been just exactly the same situation. I could tell it just by the comments and by how things had been going so far.
I am 37 and he is 38. His little super pretty daughter is 8 years old.
He is in love and obsessed with her, he full-fills her every wish. While I was there only to full-fill his sexual needs & fantasies, teach him English, tell him about stocks, help him set up Airbnb for his properties, have conversations with him while he does not have his daughter. He would not want to take me out (if I complained a lot, he would, but reluctantly and I think he kind of hated me at those moments), would not do anything together and would tell me that we are friends and he has a relationship with his daughter. Would tell me that in future we would have each our own life, separate trips, but then he would say he wants us to have a business together, which I would run :)) and 2 children with small age difference.
And then he would tell me how he has not money to do anything together, but for his daughter no problem to do stuff together. He used to tell me, that he already has one daughter. He would even refuse oftentimes to to pick me up by car if we had to go somewhere and I was at my place. Not even talking about the fact that he used to sleep naked with her together (both of them naked) and that once she touched his penis and asked what is that - he was quite happy telling me that. Also he quite often would talk about her genitalia, asking her to go wash it at night before they would sleep together at night. Once I also heard him ask her if she is not pregnant, he meant it as a joke - she rolled her eyes.
Yes, I felt I was being used and I could tell if I would have continued the scale of being used would only grown. To be honest, I still can't believe people can be this way.
He would also put me down to her, make comments to her about me, in front of me :) In future it would be a really bad environment.
I dont know what is the best solution, I truly loved him with all my heart (and still do) but that would have been a life of misery and disrespect towards myself. I know I will be sad for some weeks of months, but it will be a better and not emotionally torturing future - like it was while being with him.
This is an extreme situation, I have been in similar but much milder situations, and have observed couple situations for other people and my conclusion is: I am not going to have a relationship with someone who has a daughter - unless that man can divide himself between a lover and a child relationship.

[Ida7]

I’ve been married for 10 years. His 22 year old DD is ruining our marriage. She has always acted as a mini wife. She’s very manipulative. My issue is SD is his priority. He puts her first. When she’s around, he’ll sit by her, joke with her, talk to her while I’m sitting in the room. I feel invisible. She calls him every time she gets in an argument with her husband. DH will take her side and give her advice. There are many other examples I give, too many to list. I’ve had it.

[ittakes2]

Zombie thread

[Juleisy]

Those are just manipulative excuses. I had a boyfriend and the situation was just that, exactly. Except that we were not married, did not have kids together. I honestly could not continue this way.

[Blanking]

Hi I'm new on here so hope my post is suitable.

I'm a mature mum I have 2 grown up children and I have a 5 year old daughter.

My youngest was a very much wanted surprise and is my hubby's first and only child.

She is just simply the centre of our lives and is adored.
But the problem for me is my husband
He really loves her to the point I feel he is ruining her and its upsetting me so much
He allows her to get away with everything laughs when she's not appropriate for example if she blatantly won't share he thinks it's funny if I ever say anything to her in so much as the so called wrong way he tells her I'm being silly if she's doesn't get ready to go to school on time he blames us for not getting up earlier and actually apologises to her for asking her to get a move on etc. She makes whingy noises and when I ask her not to he says things like thats a lovely noise you make them as much as you need to it just goes on and on. It doesn't help that he is now working from home and I have my own business at home so to me she's gone in the last 6 months from the most loveliest little person to someone who is loosing respect daily for me and others Ive tried telling him friend have etc but he just won't listen I feel so lost he says the most horrendous things to me when I raise it. I'm a strong person but it's realky taking its toll on me
Any suggestions