For those of you with teenage step children

[theredhen]

What do you do about bedtimes?

Dp has a very early start and normally leaves the house by 6am. He's normally falling asleep by 10pm if we haven't already gone to bed. At the moment he's working 7 days a week.

Dsd2 and ds both take themselves to their rooms about 9.30 in the holidays leaving dp and I with some time without kids.

Dsd1 sits in her room all evening then appears at 9.30pm and sits with us both. Dp and I like our child free time to talk about any issues that have arisen during the day. We have five kids between us, two full time jobs, two troublesome ex's so there can be a lot to talk about and we both agree we need that time to talk every day for the sake of once what was our very fragile relationship.

Dp has said he doesn't know what to do. He has explained to her that we like to have a bit of time to ourselves before we go to bed and has offered her a tv in her room several times to which she always replies she doesn't want one as she doesn't watch tv.

She keeps appearing at 9.30 and parking her bum on the sofa. Dp has been taking her out one to one and trying to treat her more as an adult so feels sending her to her room is sending her the wrong message. Dsd2 and ds seem to manage it without being "told" as I did at that age.

Basically he's struggling to know what to do.

Personally I think he should try and encourage her to sit with us earlier in the evening and then send her off to her room (where she has laptop, phone, books etc) at 9.30 ish like the others.

I know it's very early for some teens but dp and I can't lie in til 11am like they can.

Opinions?

[Kaluki]

Exactly! I never came out of my room as a teenager!
My kids clear the room as soon as coronation street comes on and I dont see them again until I go up and kiss them goodnight!!

[brdgrl]

This isn't a step issue.

That seems inconsistent with your own and other posts on the thread.

I completely agree that it should not be a 'step issue'. And some posters (on both sides of the issue) have made it very clear that they don't see it as one.

I'm very clear in my mind that this is my expectation of all children, not just my DSCs. But equally - and some other stepmums have already pointed this out - the 'step' aspect does mean that it is a trickier thing to address.

And it is abundantly clear that for some people, it is because the DSD is a stepchild, that they are forming their responses in the way that they have - and in some cases, they are jumping to a lot of assumptions about the motives of the 'make 'em go' stepmums, and/or suggesting different rules be applied to stepchildren, in the process.

look at these replies, which range from making reasonable points to just being plain unpleasant, and then conclude that the 'stepness' is not being made the issue:

i'm also well aware of your opinion on where stepdcs belong in the house.

It actually smacks of the OP being a bit weird and controlling and jealous of the poor girl. Nasty.

Perhaps she just likes the company.....however sounds more like she is being territorial about her df!

I think that perhaps the difference is the fact that they are DSCs and access is very unnatural at that age because they are suddenly visitors in an area where they don't know anyone and they also have a step parent who hasn't had them since babies and had their needs evolve over the years.

I think it becomes more complicated with a step family though. I think there can be all sorts of feelings and beliefs flying around that can impact on things like what to you would be a simple request to have some time alone. I know my own dsd didn't believe that I actually wanted her here for a while. She looked for all the evidence that might support that.

Maybe she gets the impression that she isn't wanted ( which is the truth), maybe she is just trying to annoy her dad, maybe she's devastated that her mum and dad have split?

I did find in my situation that the more I worked on making dsd feel wanted here and important to me, the more she seemed to encourage my bf and I to spend time alone.

[allnewtaketwo]

Agreed brdgrl, the 'step issue' was littered throughout the thread

[bellabom]

We just hope DSD won't come down if we want some adult time. If she does come down we eye-roll at each other (out of sight!) and either put up with it, or we go upstairs. I don't see it as a massive deal. If I did, I might try something else.

Luckily my DD is in bed by then and doesn't know that DSD gets away with this because when she is a teen I will have no issue with sending her away if we want some adult time. One rule for one, another for the other. Just one of the million.

[Tuckshop]

I was responding to Kaluki's post "Only on the step parenting board would an adult be advised to leave a room and go to their own room rather than tell the child to give them some privacy!!!"

I don't feel that it is something that would only be said on here and I don't think the basic issue is a step issue - it's about house rules/boundaries and when it's reasonable to enforce them with an older teen. Theredhen could be talking about her own dd. She doesn't want anyone in that room after 9.30, so it's not about her dsd it's about having privacy. If she were saying it's only an issue because it's her dsd doing it, that would be different and that I would see as a step issue.

The way the discussion evolved meant that all sorts of other things came into it, but to me the underlying issue is that of privacy and house rules.

[Kaluki]

On any other thread it would be a no brainer - you don't want the teenager in the room you tell them to leave.
But when it's a step child posters automatically assume you are a wsm who wants the child out of the picture!!!

[ExcuseTypos]

That's just rubbish Kaluli.

As many posters have pointed out, they find telling a 17 year old to go to their room at 9.30 each evening, an unreasonable request.
It has NOTHING to do with whether those dc are step or otherwise.

[Petal02]

I agree with Kaluki. It's fine to tell a bio child you want some privacy, but if it's a step child then think again ......

[exoticfruits]

It isn't anything to do with step children or not. The fact is that as your DCs get older they don't conveniently go off to bed and leave your evenings free. They are up and around- often going to bed later the you.
Different families have different ways of dealing with it. I personally wouldn't tell a 17 yr old to go to their room at 9.30- but that is just me.

[Tuckshop]

I agree. My opinion is nothing to do with whether it's a step child or not.

[ExcuseTypos]

Petal so do you think every person who has said 'no OP, that's not reasonable to expect any 17 year old to do each evening' is actually lying?

[Onesleeptillwembley]

It's odd and un eaonable to send a 17 year old to their room at 9.30 every night. t's even odder to send one that you don't see as much of, and is visiting. Reading this more, I do have to wonder about the OP's reasons for acting in such a bizarre manner.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

It's odd and un eaonable to send a 17 year old to their room at 9.30 every night

That is your opinion, but it is not a fact and not shared by all parents.

As for the DSC being a visitor - you don't spend much time on the step- board do you?
Considering stepDCs to be visitors is the fitst, and possibly biggest, sin that a stepparent can commit. It is very bad form, apparently, to consider your DSC to be visitors in their parents home!

[ExcuseTypos]

"That is your opinion, but it is not a fact and not shared by all parents"

Well it's the point of the thread- to gain opinion. The vast majority have said they wouldn't or haven't ever insisted an older teen is asked to go to their room at 9.30, every evening.

And that's ALL older teens, regardless of who their parents are.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

I totally accept your 'visitor' point, China - I apologise for wording it badly. What I actually meant is a child who isn't there all the time, and further limiting the time spent with them. Also, I would think that would make them feel unwelcome. It certainly seems like they are an inconvenience to the OP.

[KatieScarlett2833]

PMSL at expecting DD 17 to go to her room at 9:30pm. Or DS (16). If DH and I are downstairs and they are home they will come in at yak at us all night
That's why I have my very own sky box in our bedroom.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

The fact is that as your DCs get older they don't conveniently go off to bed and leave your evenings free. They are up and around- often going to bed later the you.

See, I don't ever remember doing that in my parents home; I would always make my way to my room before they shut/locked up the house, and if I was out and came home after they had gone to bed, I crept around and made my way to my room with the minimum of noise/disruption.

Is this not "the norm" then? Can I not reasonably expect this of my own DD as she gets older?

[bellabom]

I think it's fairly normal. Some nights there might be random chattiness and I imagine that parents seize the rare opportunity to talk with their teen but I don't think it's normal for a teen to want to hang out from 9.30pm every night. Although clearly some do.

Thinking a little further, maybe this one wants the lounge to herself and so comes down at 9.30 and waits for OP to go to bed.

Certainly when my dsd has friends over they will invariably come down at 9ish and flop all over the lounge making it clear that it's "their" time

That not too often though and like I say, we either put up with it or go upstairs.

What comes across is the frustration we all feel that we as step parents should treat the kids as though they are in their home, not visitors, and exactly as we would our own children. But in the same breath that because they aren't there full time, they should be treated differently. It's an obvious statement that in these cases we just need to apply judgement, but that's not always easy to do "right".

[KatieScarlett2833]

It's bizarre. I am home when DC get in of an afternoon. I'm all " so DC, how was your day? Did you get your test results back? What fat laden monstrosity did you inhale at lunch?" ( you know the sort of thing)
I get " urgh, hmm, dunno, etc)
Come 9pm they will hunt us down and talk at us all night unless you escape.
For the love of Andrew McCarthy, why????

[brdgrl]

The vast majority have said they wouldn't or haven't ever insisted an older teen is asked to go to their room at 9.30, every evening.

Well. 8 posters have said they'd ask the kids to go. 12 have said they would not. 2 didn't answer. 2 said they'd do it sometimes. So, taking away the 2 who did not answer, we have 12 posters saying they would not do it, and 10 saying that they would, at least sometimes.

Vast majority? Not so much.

[KatieScarlett2833]

You SADDO brd

[Petal02]

I do agree with Bellabom's comment, that the presence of non-resident children in the home seems to create all manner of contradictions in regards to what's best.

Treat them like bio children, and somehow you're showing insufficient reverence, but treating them like 'special visitors' makes for a very artificial situation. You can't win!

[ExcuseTypos]

Agree Katie, it's always after 9ish that teenagers get chatty- it's when they wake up I think, they are definitely on a different time scale to us oldies.

[brdgrl]

My dad was a political scientist. He'd never forgive me if I let a bogus statistical claim go unquestioned! :)