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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

For those of you with teenage step children

181 replies

theredhen · 14/08/2013 12:16

What do you do about bedtimes?

Dp has a very early start and normally leaves the house by 6am. He's normally falling asleep by 10pm if we haven't already gone to bed. At the moment he's working 7 days a week.

Dsd2 and ds both take themselves to their rooms about 9.30 in the holidays leaving dp and I with some time without kids.

Dsd1 sits in her room all evening then appears at 9.30pm and sits with us both. Dp and I like our child free time to talk about any issues that have arisen during the day. We have five kids between us, two full time jobs, two troublesome ex's so there can be a lot to talk about and we both agree we need that time to talk every day for the sake of once what was our very fragile relationship.

Dp has said he doesn't know what to do. He has explained to her that we like to have a bit of time to ourselves before we go to bed and has offered her a tv in her room several times to which she always replies she doesn't want one as she doesn't watch tv.

She keeps appearing at 9.30 and parking her bum on the sofa. Dp has been taking her out one to one and trying to treat her more as an adult so feels sending her to her room is sending her the wrong message. Dsd2 and ds seem to manage it without being "told" as I did at that age.

Basically he's struggling to know what to do.

Personally I think he should try and encourage her to sit with us earlier in the evening and then send her off to her room (where she has laptop, phone, books etc) at 9.30 ish like the others.

I know it's very early for some teens but dp and I can't lie in til 11am like they can.

Opinions?

OP posts:

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brdgrl · 17/08/2013 18:33

For those who are saying that they would never ask a child to leave a communal room - does this mean that you never give the teenager the use of that room, either?
Never keep away do s/he can use it with friends?
When they do have a friend over, do you send them off to their room if they want privacy?
Or hang about sitting on the sofa and commenting on their conversation?

That sounds absolutely dreadful.

ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 18:39

that sounds like you've decided they all would before waiting for an answer brdgrl

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 18:46

How do you figure that? I've merely asked the questions.

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 18:47

I believe they probably wouldn't, frankly.

ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 18:51

you asked the question and then followed up with "That sounds absolutely dreadful." as if someone had answered when nobody had.

how can you possibly know what several strangers all with individual family dynamics would answer to those questions? (and not just one question so some might say yes to some and no to others)

although you seem to have your mind firmly shut tbh so no point waiting for an answer really.

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 19:07

you asked the question and then followed up with "That sounds absolutely dreadful." as if someone had answered when nobody had.

This is called rhetoric. I think you should acquaint yourself with it, as a basic communication skill.

"That sounds absolutely dreadful" was a direct comment on the situation I had just finished describing. Like this, see:

"Do you know someone who doesn't wash their hands after they wee? Or urinates on the seat and leaves it? That sounds absolutely dreadful."

how can you possibly know what several strangers all with individual family dynamics would answer to those questions? (and not just one question so some might say yes to some and no to others)
I haven't said I know, have I? I've hazarded a guess, based on what has been posted here.

although you seem to have your mind firmly shut tbh so no point waiting for an answer really.
Yes, open-mindedness seems to be your forte. Please, if you would like to answer the question, go ahead.

ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 19:14

why the ?

you didn't hazard a guess- you said "I believe they probably wouldn't, frankly." why ask if you have already decided what answer you will believe?

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 19:22

This - - is a sceptical face. If that was unclear, let me be clear. I don't think you have displayed any open-mindedness on this thread, yourself. Pot, kettle.

"I believe...." is an extremely common qualifying phrase used to indicate that one is not making a declarative statement, or asserting that something is definitely true, but is expressing their considered opinion or, yes, making a guess.

You seem to be struggling with rather ordinary rhetorical strategies. It's odd. Is English your first language?

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 19:22

skeptical, sorry.

ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 19:24

wow

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 19:33

Genuine question, ImNot. You are being purposefully argumentative, you've repeatedly made snide comments on this thread, and now seem to be deliberately not understanding my straightforward posts. If there is a reason for that, I'd like to know.

exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 19:35

We have one main communal room- I am not moving out of it for DCs or sending them out. If we, or they, want privacy the answer is to go elsewhere.

The answer for allnewtaketwo is if DSS won't go out,leave him at home and go out yourselves.

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 19:42

Fair enough, exotic, if it goes both ways, but I can't see that working well with our teens. I think if we started sending them off to their rooms, or out of the house, with their friends, that wouldn't be seen as particularly nice or fair. As well, I know some people (not me, particularly) would not be happy with sending teens off to bedrooms, which would be the other option here.
At the same time, I can imagine how the teens would feel if we sat down in there with them when they had a date or friends over. So, we let the teens use the room, with privacy, when they 'reserve' it, and then expect the same.

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 19:47

Really exotic, take DS and DSS2 out , and leave DSS1 at home when he wants to come with us all?

exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 20:01

I was thinking of the evening- leave DSS babysitting and go out.

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 20:04

There's no way I would trust DSS to babysit my 5yo. He really is emotionally and behaviourally extremely immature. And tbh we have had the inlaws down to babysit before, even when DSS is here. He even said he liked it as he feels he needs an adult in the house

exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 20:06

You really do need to do something with him- he is almost an adult! Or does he have SNs?

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 20:46

No SNs, but has and is still treated like an extremely young child by his mother. Rather than rebelling as a teen, which is perhaps more common, he has moulded himself into the obedient needy dependent child she wants him as. So in her house, there's no problem, everyone is happy with the dependency. Her needs are fulfilled and so are his.

It's only in our house that there is a problem, because u don't find this behaviour, neediness and dependency palatable in a 17yo. Neither does DH for that matter, but he tolerates it rather better than I do because he loves him.

So in this scenario when you say "you really need to so something with him", what do you actually suggest?

exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 20:50

I would find someone who needs volunteers and you volunteer him- preferably in the evening. You then tell him they are desperate and he can't let them down.

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 20:57

I have looked, believe me. But who needs volunteers on a Saturday night?

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 20:58

To be honest, I find the daytimes worse than the evenings. The very very very long daytimes with a 17yo old shadow who doesn't want to leave the house unless its with daddy

brdgrl · 17/08/2013 21:23

exotic, I think the volunteering suggestion sounds really very good, if allnew were able to do it. And if it were her own kid, maybe she could...But I wonder about that...I know that I couldn't volunteer my stepkids for something that they didn't want to do. That would be seen as definitely 'overstepping', and they simply wouldn't follow through...and honestly, if I posted here that I'd given my DSS no choice but to go wash dishes in a homeless shelter on a Saturday evening - well. I can imagine the replies I would get, and they would not be nice.
This is one of those 'can't win' moments. If a stepmum isn't even supposed to be able to tell her DSCs that they need to get up out of bed by a certain time, or that they need to leave a room (recent thread; this thread) - how can they be empowered to go so far as to set up an external volunteering activity - against the kid and his parent's wishes?

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exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 22:06

I can see that but I really feel for her - she appears to have years ahead where an adult DSS is still having the sort of access you get with a 12 yr old.
I suppose they can hope that he will get a social life once he starts university.
Other than that DH needs to change the pattern- it isn't good for anyone at the moment.

allnewtaketwo · 17/08/2013 22:10

Thanks exotic , it helps even just a little when someone else recognises how cr*p it is tbh

exoticfruits · 17/08/2013 22:13

I just wish I had an answer- I can see that your DH loves him too much to be tough. A shame he isn't going away to university- I suspect nothing will change.

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