For those of you with teenage step children

[theredhen]

What do you do about bedtimes?

Dp has a very early start and normally leaves the house by 6am. He's normally falling asleep by 10pm if we haven't already gone to bed. At the moment he's working 7 days a week.

Dsd2 and ds both take themselves to their rooms about 9.30 in the holidays leaving dp and I with some time without kids.

Dsd1 sits in her room all evening then appears at 9.30pm and sits with us both. Dp and I like our child free time to talk about any issues that have arisen during the day. We have five kids between us, two full time jobs, two troublesome ex's so there can be a lot to talk about and we both agree we need that time to talk every day for the sake of once what was our very fragile relationship.

Dp has said he doesn't know what to do. He has explained to her that we like to have a bit of time to ourselves before we go to bed and has offered her a tv in her room several times to which she always replies she doesn't want one as she doesn't watch tv.

She keeps appearing at 9.30 and parking her bum on the sofa. Dp has been taking her out one to one and trying to treat her more as an adult so feels sending her to her room is sending her the wrong message. Dsd2 and ds seem to manage it without being "told" as I did at that age.

Basically he's struggling to know what to do.

Personally I think he should try and encourage her to sit with us earlier in the evening and then send her off to her room (where she has laptop, phone, books etc) at 9.30 ish like the others.

I know it's very early for some teens but dp and I can't lie in til 11am like they can.

Opinions?

[allnewtaketwo]

I don't think it's at all wrong to expect a 17yo to respect the adults' request for privacy later in the evenings.

[ExcuseTypos]

Well I think you're in the minority allnew. 9.30 is quite early for an older teenager to be sent to their room.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I've never used the term 'wrong' China

Oh you have. That's exactly what you said.



ExcuseTypos Sun 18-Aug-13 20:34:46
I'm not the only person who thinks the OP is being ridiculous. She is wrong to expect a 17 year old to go to their room at 9.30. It's just not a very nice thing to do and gives the impression they aren't wanted.

Therefore I can totally understand why the DSD doesn't abide by their wishes.

[ExcuseTypos]

Oh so I did

Anyway, I hope I've explained why I think it's not a reasonable request.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I'm just pointing out her request isn't within the norm.

Your norm - which seems quite limited in experience if your other examples are also outside your 'norm'.

None of the teens you know walk the family dog before school? Catch the bus/train/ferry to school? Have a paper round? See to their sibling/horse/sports training every morning?
6am is the middle of the day for some of the teens I know. Are they all abnormal?

[allnewtaketwo]

Lots of things aren't the 'norm' and 'unusual'. But as a child you get pretty much stuck with your patents rules, that's how it works. Unless if course the DSD dislikes the rules so much shed rather move into her own place or go to a friends house for the evening if she dislikes her own room so much

[brdgrl]

I agree 100% that telling a 17 year old to go to bed at 9:30 is not really reasonable.

But that is NOT what I (or I think anyone else?) is suggesting. There is a world of difference between sending her to BED and sending her out of the room. She can go to the kitchen...take a bath...sit in the garden...go to her room and be online, she has even been offered a TV...I don't think OP has even said that she couldn't go OUT if she wanted to.

The "9:30 is too early a bedtime" argument is a complete red herring. I'd send the kids out of a room at 2 in the afternoon, if that's when my best friend was coming around to watch a film with me, or when DH and I wanted to sit down and discuss our finances, or even if I just wanted to watch a soap opera in a bit of peace. (And as I've said - the kids get their own time. DSD had four friends for a sleepover recently - they got the television room from 4:30 in the afternoon until lunchtime the next day.)

Why not start a similar thread in AIBU? Ask what the general consensus is as to when a 17 year old should be told to go to bed.
I'm sure you are right. But that's not the question.

[brdgrl]

And this is quite definitely the "norm" amongst my siblings and close friends with families!

[ExcuseTypos]

I'm sorry but I really do not believe that the majority of parents send their 17 year olds to their rooms at 9.30.

[allnewtaketwo]

Having 5 children and working 7 days a week probably isn't 'the norm' either. All the more reason why the OP and her DP need a little bit of time and privacy later in the evening.

[allnewtaketwo]

Most 17year olds probably don't insist on sitting with their parents every evening at time either though.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I'm sorry but I really do not believe that the majority of parents send their 17 year olds to their rooms at 9.30.

She's not being sent to her room. She's being asked to give her dad and stepmum some privacy for 1/2 an hour before they go to bed.

I'd hate to be a guest in your home if your teens do not respect adults expectation of privacy.

[ExcuseTypos]

Gosh China you seem determine to nitpick at everything I say.

She is being asked to go to her room!

My DDs are 19 and 22. Very well adjusted, polite and lovely to have around.

And I certainly wouldn't want a guest in my house, like you, who expected the teenagers to be banished to their rooms at 9.30 during the school holidays.

It's still daylight at that time!

[allnewtaketwo]

I don't think it's 'nitpicking' to point out that you are twisting misinterpreting what the OP is saying

[ExcuseTypos]

So asking someone to leave the family room and go to their bedroom is not the same as sending someone to their room?.

[allnewtaketwo]

redhen has said "To be honest I am starting to wonder why she only appears at our adult time"

So clearly it appears the DSD is actively preventing her father and redhen from having privacy. The fact that she only turns up at these times in the room tells me she has no issue otherwise with spending time in her own room, and therefore that this is deliberate. So OP wanting to stop thus behaviour, to me, is nothing at at like just sending a teen to her room.

[theredhen]

It's also daylight at 5am but funnily enough we don't get the teenagers up to spend time with us then either. And dp is often up then. They normally manage to stay in their rooms then.

[brdgrl]

Excuse, why are you ignoring the distinction between sending her out and sending her to bed?
And yes, the OP says "to her room" but clearly goes on to show that there is no expectation of the teen going to bed.

I wouldn't want to be a guest in someone's house if they never asked their kids to give us a bit of privacy!

[Tuckshop]

The op does start with "what do you do about bedtimes". I took it too that she was being asked to go to bed.

[allnewtaketwo]

I took it to mean the OP's bedtime, particularly as the statement you quote was followed by " He's normally falling asleep by 10pm if we haven't already gone to bed."

[theredhen]

If you read all my comments I did say that we didn't expect any of the kids to go to bed and to sleep. Hence why I pointed out that dsd1 has a laptop, smartphone, books, stereo etc in her room.

[brdgrl]

Yes, but when you read the entire post, as well as the subsequent discussions, it is quite clear what she's talking about. Even in the OP, she talks about the repeated and declined offer of a TV...

But honestly, I don't think it would make any difference to some of the posters here if she had begun by saying that it was 2 AM (instead of 9:30) and she was asking the DSD to move into the well-appointed flat with jacuzzi that they'd rented for DSD next door. There seems to be an attitude that the DSD can't be asked to leave a room, period.

Some of this is conceivably down to a difference in parenting and ideas about the roles of teens living at home. Some is quite obviously about that little "S" in DSD.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

As I read it, the question as to whether to 'send her to her room' has come about because, unlike the other abnormal teens in the house, the DSD in question has chosen to disrespect and ignore her Dads reasonable request:

Dp has said he doesn't know what to do. He has explained to her that we like to have a bit of time to ourselves before we go to bed

The consequence of her failing to respect this reasonable request as a mature teen is that she is treated like a younger DC and 'sent to her room'. If she behaved like a 17 year old, then she'd be treated like one

[Tuckshop]

For me a request for a bit of privacy, or use of a communal room for a specific reason is absolutely fine. But this is a blanket rule for every time she is there, not allowed in that room past 9.30. I would be pissed off if I were her too.

It does seem that this is something that divides people. There are those of us who think it very strange to be asking her to go elsewhere, and those who think it's acceptable. I just can't imagine making an issue of this - I'd just go to bed with my man, and leave her to the tv!

[StephenFrySaidSo]

oh this is ridiculous.

OP if you and dh are normally in bed by ten then going up to your room at 9.30 to talk really isn't a massive change to your routine.


"So clearly it appears the DSD is actively preventing her father and redhen from having privacy."

she hasn't prevented them having time to themselves- they have prevented it by digging their heels in and refusing to take that time in another room. if DSD is using the living room then cant they go to the kitchen to talk or to their room?

" The fact that she only turns up at these times in the room tells me she has no issue otherwise with spending time in her own room, and therefore that this is deliberate. "

if that is the case, surely the best way to prevent her achieving her aim is to take their private time where she cant go, that way they get their time alone and she doesn't get the satisfaction of having disrupted it.

"Personally I think he should try and encourage her to sit with us earlier in the evening and then send her off to her room (where she has laptop, phone, books etc) at 9.30 ish like the others."

^this from the OP. It's not the only time OP has said she expects DSD not only to leave the living room but to actually go to her room.

"I know it's very early for some teens but dp and I can't lie in til 11am like they can."

^also from the OP. this actually doesn't make sense. if DSD can lie til 11 and you two need to be up by 6am then it makes more sense that you two go to your room earlier and she is allowed to stay down later.

i'll be honest- this comes across as a case of the 'adults' throwing their weight about for no other reason than you think you should be obeyed.

there are options here but you don't seem interested in them if it means you conceding to DSD in anyway. I think you're missing a trick by the way if she is out to get between you two. if that's her aim then you can get round that very easily by being in a room she cant go in.