For those of you with teenage step children

[theredhen]

What do you do about bedtimes?

Dp has a very early start and normally leaves the house by 6am. He's normally falling asleep by 10pm if we haven't already gone to bed. At the moment he's working 7 days a week.

Dsd2 and ds both take themselves to their rooms about 9.30 in the holidays leaving dp and I with some time without kids.

Dsd1 sits in her room all evening then appears at 9.30pm and sits with us both. Dp and I like our child free time to talk about any issues that have arisen during the day. We have five kids between us, two full time jobs, two troublesome ex's so there can be a lot to talk about and we both agree we need that time to talk every day for the sake of once what was our very fragile relationship.

Dp has said he doesn't know what to do. He has explained to her that we like to have a bit of time to ourselves before we go to bed and has offered her a tv in her room several times to which she always replies she doesn't want one as she doesn't watch tv.

She keeps appearing at 9.30 and parking her bum on the sofa. Dp has been taking her out one to one and trying to treat her more as an adult so feels sending her to her room is sending her the wrong message. Dsd2 and ds seem to manage it without being "told" as I did at that age.

Basically he's struggling to know what to do.

Personally I think he should try and encourage her to sit with us earlier in the evening and then send her off to her room (where she has laptop, phone, books etc) at 9.30 ish like the others.

I know it's very early for some teens but dp and I can't lie in til 11am like they can.

Opinions?

[allnewtaketwo]

I tried to describe how I feel to DH. It's not that DSS is a "bad" kid, but his behaviour means that he turns himself into a chore.

DH has been trying but genuinely no idea what to do. He's even got DSS doing hard manual labour on a Saturday rather than sitting around the house. But it doesn't put DSS off the "shadow" behaviour at all. He'd seemingly rather be on his hands and knees doing ball breaking work in the garden than just get off his ass out of the house. And there's only so long on a weekend DH can do this. So now the pattern is get up, spend the morning doing any manual labour that DH can find for him, then spend the rest of the weekend reverting to type . He refuses to get a pt job or volunteer because he 'has no time' and because his mother would go apeshit

[exoticfruits]

The mother is the problem - it leaves you with hands tied unless DSS chooses to rebel, which sounds doubtful.

[BettyBotter]

Dstep or dc , it seems bizarre to send teens out of the 'communal' family room in the early-ish evening in order to have private time. Surely the living/sitting/family room is for everybody to be together. It would feel rather hostile and unfriendly to me to banish one or other family member from this shared room and time.

The privilege of 'grown up' evening time downstairs without the kids when they're little gradually becomes grown up time with the kids which is a different pleasure in itself.

I'd say find a different time or place for your special time with dh or you risk alienating family members.

[exoticfruits]

I suppose it is fair if you leave it at times for them and friends.
I just see it as a space for all at all times.

[Tuckshop]

My set up is unusual so I'm not sure I can answer your questions brdgrl, dsd, although here full time , doesn't have her own room to retreat to so I have to take that into account. I "run" the household on the basis of mutual cooperation and taking everyone's needs into account. If she wants privacy or space to be with friends she gets it. If we want privacy or space to be with friends we get it. Its just a case of working out how we all do that. My needs don't trump dsd's or dd's just because I pay the bills. It works really well for us.

[allnewtaketwo]

"The privilege of 'grown up' evening time downstairs without the kids when they're little gradually becomes grown up time with the kids which is a different pleasure in itself"

I can see what you mean by this. In fact it probably was exactly this that I remember from my own childhood (although my parents always went to bed well after us). BUT this sentiment only holds, imyho, when the teenagers are living their own lives some/most of the rest of the time. So the evening becomes a time to catch up/spend time together. This 'pleasure' is somewhat negated if they spend the whole bloody day with you as we'll, every day they're there.

[brdgrl]

tuckshop. that's just it; taking everyone's needs into account. Everyone needs privacy and time alone with their friends.

The privilege of 'grown up' evening time downstairs without the kids when they're little gradually becomes grown up time with the kids which is a different pleasure in itself
We believe that it's important to have time with the kids, and we do. We that it's important to have time as a couple, and we do. And we believe that it's important for the kids to have time with their friends, and they do.

But. They're not grown ups. They aren't our peers, they're our children. They don't want us around all the time, and we don't want them around all the time. That's fine.

[Yonihadtoask]

We don't have an issue should one of the DC (DS and DSSS) want to have friends over and entertain in a downstairs room with tv/games - as we have two reception rooms each with electronic stuff.

However if we only had one living room I wouldn't let them 'book it out' for use with their friends, if me and dh were also home and wanted to hang out in there. They would have to use their bedrooms.

As said earlier by PP - the adults own the home, pay the bills - have earned the right to use it as they wish. The DC have to fit in with that ,until such a time as they have their own home.

I am still struggling with these Dc who hang around at home all the tme (my own included). I was never at home. From being a child though to late teenager hood when I left home, I was always out with friends. Who the hell wanted to stay at home with parents? It drives me crazy.

[theredhen]

When dsd1 and her boyfriend are in the front room alone, neither dp or I just waltz in and plonk ourselves on the sofa with them and just sit there.

We give them a bit of space and will sit in the kitchen or another room sometimes being our bedroom.

However, when its late evening, I see that room as our space and all the other kids respect it's our time.

If the kids are in their rooms with their doors shut, I respect their privacy and don't interrupt them unless its important, when I always knock.

It's called mutual respect and understanding and ultimately they have many opportunities to spend time watching tv or with us during the day. I really feel that expecting some time without kids (step or otherwise) isn't cruel or sending the wrong message. On the contrary, I feel it sends a message that in a family we all have differing needs and that adults need time without kids. I feel it's the same as teaching kids to do chores, it's about everybody pulling their weight and everybody respecting the family as a whole.

[Tuckshop]

I think it becomes more complicated with a step family though. I think there can be all sorts of feelings and beliefs flying around that can impact on things like what to you would be a simple request to have some time alone.

I know my own dsd didn't believe that I actually wanted her here for a while. She looked for all the evidence that might support that. So if I had asked her to leave a room so I could talk to my bf, she'd have taken umbridge.

Sounds like she could be trying to make a point. Maybe she doesn't agree with your rule of half an hour child free time and that's her way of saying so. Maybe she feels that by doing so you hog her Dad. If it were me I'd be finding a work round. If the important thing to me were the half hour child-free, I'd just take myself off to my bedroom rather than making an issue of having sole use of a communal room.

How does your dp feel about it? Maybe he could have a chat with her if it's something you both want to insist on.

[theredhen]

He's always been very keen to enforce this "rule" but he is having mixed feelings as she gets older.

I think the real issue is that he's spoken to her about it, explained how its important to him, offered her alternatives and yet she still insists on sitting with us and he often has to ask her to leave several times.

We can quite easily say "you off to your room then?" to the others and they'll merrily clear off. She refuses to without arguing or ignoring.

She's like that with chores too.

[Petal02]

Totally agree with Allnew's point that the pleasure of spending the evening with adult children and step children, is somewhat negated when they've spent the whole of that day following you round like a shadow.

By the time evening comes round, you're more likely to be wanting to throttle them than look forward to more of their company.

[ExcuseTypos]

Maybe she gets the impression that she isn't wanted ( which is the truth), maybe she is just trying to annoy her dad, maybe she's devastated that her mum and dad have split?

What ever the reason, she ps made it plain she doesn't want to be in her room at 9.30, it isn't normal for a teenager that age to be in their room, so just leave her to it, accept it and before you know it things will be different.

[brdgrl]

Maybe she gets the impression that she isn't wanted ( which is the truth), maybe she is just trying to annoy her dad, maybe she's devastated that her mum and dad have split?

Maybe. Are any of these reasons to allow her to stay?
In my book, no.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

redhen I assume there aren't any consequences for disregarding chores?

No surprise that she disregards other expectations (such as allowing adults time later in the evening) either, then - if she knew that disregarding 'house rules' led to unpleasant consequences then she'd probably be more motivated to follow them!

[ExcuseTypos]

In my book she shouldn't be being asked to go to her room at 9.30.
Hence her reason doesn't really matter.

[theredhen]

China, she just pushes the boundaries harder. She is still expected to wash up or whatever, but she will hang it out rather than get on with it. She needs "nagging".

And the truth is no, I don't want her there at that time, I also don't want my son or my other step children there or my mother in law, cousins or best friend.

If a child pushes the boundaries, then that is fine but it doesn't mean the boundaries should move.

If dp and I decide she can stay up in the front room until whatever time she likes, it should be a decision made based on what we feel is right for everyone and certainly not because she just chooses to push the boundaries harder than the others.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

excuse Why not?

If that's a decision the adults in the household have made, then surely she should respect that? Or should she be able to disregard all the expectations of her Dad/SM in their home?
Be allowed to smoke if she wants to, take drugs etc?

it's clear that you don't agree with the particular issue the OP has set a boundary on, but how would you enforce a boundary that you do agree with in the OPs situation?

[ExcuseTypos]

Why would a teenager respect a totally ridiculous rule.

I expect she knows it's not normal to send a teenager to their room at 9.30, therefore she's ignoring it.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

What a fabulously well articulated argument!

excuse ah, so because you think its totally ridiculous, the OP is wrong? You are right and everyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong, is that it!

What about the other two DCs - why are they prepared to respect a totally ridiculous expectation?

Sounds like its time for the OPs DSD to leave home and avoid these totally ridiculous rules!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

excuse Who sets the standard for 'normal' anyway? Is there a book? I'm pretty sure my household breaks every standard in it, if so - after all, how totally ridiculous is it to do things our own way ?

[ExcuseTypos]

I'm not the only person who thinks the OP is being ridiculous. She is wrong to expect a 17 year old to go to their room at 9.30. It's just not a very nice thing to do and gives the impression they aren't wanted.

Therefore I can totally understand why the DSD doesn't abide by their wishes.

[ExcuseTypos]

Why not start a similar thread in AIBU? Ask what the general consensus is as to when a 17 year old should be told to go to bed.

That might give you a better indication of how wrong you are to expect a 17 year old to follow this.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I ask again - WHY is it wrong?

What harm is it doing?

Locking her DSD in, hitting her, starving her - these are wrong.

Expecting a DC to give the adults some privacy is not wrong, it is a different parenting style to the one you have signed up to!

Even if everybody on AIBU disagreed with the OP, it doesn't make her decision wrong

[ExcuseTypos]

I've never used the term 'wrong' China. I said it is ridiculous and not a normal request for a 17 year old.

Any parent can request whatever they like- eat your meals in your room, get up at 6.00 am, have one shower a week. To the vast majority of parents and teenagers, these requests would be seen as quite unusal and not the norm.

I'd put sending your child to their room at 9.30 in the same category. I don't care what the OP does, but she's asked for opinions on what she's doing. I'm just pointing out her request isn't within the norm.