I've asked MNHQ...

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

.....if we can have a little 'note' at the top of the Stepparenting board, with a list of acronyms that cause offence - to ensure that posters get support and threads aren't sidetracked by inadvertent use of common phrases that are less welcome here on MN;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1811572-Board-notes

"OW who wanted to take over the life of another, and become the wife/mother"

Why on earth would you assume that an OW would want to become the childrens mother?

Or even the stepmum? Are will still assuming that all stepmums were the other woman and have SWF tendencies?

FWIW DH ex wife vacillates between accusing me of wanting to be the skids mum to not doing enough for them. I can't win so I just do what I think is best.

Exactly VBisme, As a step mum you. are. not. permitted, full-stop.

No you can't go to their swimming event.

You're just not interested in their achievements.

No you shouldn't discipline them.

Why are you so detached, you are an adult they expect your guidance.

No you can't take them for a party at your parent's

Why can't Quetz pick them up if their Dad can't do it?

get my drift?

As a SM, you're expected to undertake all the domestic elements of child care, but don't usually get any say in decisions involving the children, even though those decisions can have a huge impact on you.

I could never work out whether I was "in the team" or "on the subs bench", it wasn't consistent.

DSS is shortly to depart for Uni. I'm very relieved. It's not been much fun at times.

It's not been much fun at times.

LoL Petal, that's got to be the understatement of the decade

The dynamics are all wrong in step families.

As a SM, you're expected to undertake all the domestic elements of child care, but don't usually get any say in decisions involving the children,

But the domestic elements must be carried out precisely in line with specific standards and methods, which are communicated psychically!

Laundry must be sent home clean and ironed - but is re-washed because the brand of washing powder/softener is substandard, and scented ironing-water has not been used.

Toys must be purchased and supplied, but must meet stringent quality and price standards.

Meals must be provided and cooked - using approved brands of ingredients and pre-defined recipes & methods.

Lack of compliance is used as evidence to support withholding of contact, verbal abuse and calls to social services.

I think in the family I stepmothered, although there were some very real difficulties about communication between my partner and his ex, the communication between myself, my partner, my stepchildren and my own daughter got stronger and stronger as the years went by.

I do think a lot depends on a) having a supportive partner and b) just having the courage and the principles and the guts to be who you are and trusting that the children will - over time - come to appreciate that.

By contrast the communication in my 'nuclear' family - self, siblings, parents - is absolutely and terminally screwed up.

Artex - Certainly the thread that I thought it was based on.

artex I was referring to bigreds thread, which she asked to be removed, having apologised for inadvertantly using the term, when bickering broke out between other MNers, totally unrelated to the thread.

In the last week alone, the term has been used in stepparenting by three new members - that's a lot of offence caused to anyone who has a viceral reaction to its use!

BM is, in some situations, the appropriate term. Like it or not. If those who are against it on this thread have declared it to be offensive when used about anyone who is the actual, involved (and, lets face it, usually resident) parent of their children then does this mean it is ok (with those interested in policing langauge on the SP board, I mean!) to use it when the original mum is not all of of those things?
Will MN then look at (or indeed, investigate) the back-story of every poster who uses the term?

BM as a reference used by a step-'mum' to describe their partners DC's mother is what's offensive.
Why the quotation marks here? Because a step'mum' clearly could never act as a mum to her DSCs? Fuck off.

Being a mum is about more than giving birth. That's a truth universally acknowledged on MN...except here.

Sorry, That fuck off was not aimed at anyone in particular. Just at the idea that step-mums cannot be mums. I apologise for the swearing.

VB "I know you are but what am I?" Made me lol! No wonder debating abilities were brought into question

Oh well, if lots of people use it, then I guess no one should ever tell anyone not to then.

Advising people not to use it is exactly what I am asking MNHQ to do!

If it was made clear to new users that regardless of the terminology elsewhere, the term BM is highly offensive to some MN members, then it's use would gradually decline and posts in which it was used inadvertantly could be deleted under the talk guidelines.

By discouraging and removing it, regular users of the StepP board would not be as repeatedly or frequently offended by the term, and the new posters who use it inadvertantly would not be subject to the uncontrolled, viceral response of those members who are offended. Win-win?

Well just in terms of this thread it hasn't really worked has it?

All that's been achived is an -admittedly interesting - discussion of what Birth Mothering might mean.

(And some swearing)

You might just as well say, 'Don't think of a lemon'.

All that's been achived is an -admittedly interesting - discussion of what Birth Mothering might mean.

MNHQ suggested that it might be helpful to have a thread that did exactly that - next time someone posts the term, a linky can be put to this thread which will go a long way to explaining why they have received blunt/rude/abusive responses to their post.

Maybe there should be something warning people that swearing is allowed, you know?

There is - its in talk guidelines

I think the term is only offensive if said to BE derogatory surely? I think we are all big enough (or some of us are) to see through an OP - whether they mean it to be rude and minimise the role of the mother or just describe the relationship of someone that does little to parent the child they gave birth too.

There are lots of words that can do that. For example you can say the same for the word 'special'. 'She is so special' or 'She is so special You would be able to gather from the way the OP is written if it is meant to be nice or rude - does that make sense.

I think if you are offended by it when it clearly wasn't meant in that way is your problem. Maybe a polite statement that you didn't like it would suffice instead of such strong terms such as 'vile' etc.. the thread will only go downhill from there and completely detract from the help and support the poster needed. Also, as it is an accepted term elsewhere it is less likely there was offence meant.

China - I do understand the concept of adding it as a little note but I agree with another poster that that would somehow advocate all this 'attention' the term is receiving. We should ignore it! It is an acceptable term that can be used in some circumstances. If we can see it is being used in a derogatory way however, then by all means we should pull the poster up on it.

Yes brdgrl I also picked up on that step-'mum' bollocks as well. I might not be my SD's mum by birth but I certainly do parent her and I love her like I would my own - I'm not ashamed of the term.

Her mum is very much on the scene. My presence takes nothing away from her mum's role and I don't interfere. Her mum dislikes me purely because I exist - there's nothing I can do about that - this is just how it is in some blended families and she will just have to live with it.

I am a step-mum and proud