I've asked MNHQ...

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

.....if we can have a little 'note' at the top of the Stepparenting board, with a list of acronyms that cause offence - to ensure that posters get support and threads aren't sidetracked by inadvertent use of common phrases that are less welcome here on MN;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1811572-Board-notes

Hurray deep has just summed up the sort of bigotted, prejudicial attitudes step mums on this forum have to constantly but up with :).

Well done deep that was a beautiful summation of the
Entire thread.

Hurray deep has just summed up the sort of bigotted, prejudicial attitudes step mums on this forum have to constantly but up with

I think the significant point is not that deep has illustrated it, but that HQ expect stepMums to 'sort it out amongst ourselves' rather than issue guidance about what prejudice and bigotry is acceptable.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, don't flatter yourselves that someone would actually want to take the role of mother away from you!

There have been some interesting responses to that pov on previous threads, holiday.

Generally along the lines of it's no wonder you have problems with your DSC and their Mum is that's you're attitude - you should love and accept your DSC as your own, not treat them as second-class

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Sometimes I think that some separated mums are offended if their DCs stepmum parents her DCs, but is equally offended if stepmum doesn't have any desire to parent them - In other words Stepmums should want to be a second mum, but not actually do it, because without both of those things they are WSM!

Its simplistic to say that 'mum' should always be used in place of 'bm'.

From a poster who is a stepparents point of view, mum is their own mum or could be any other mum in the family.

So 'DSC's mum' is generally possible, except where the children aren't DSC because there is no marriage or its a new relationship or the poster hasn't even met the children yet or whatever.

(And I have seen plenty of people jumping on posters for even using the term DSC it transpires they aren't married to the dad)

Then we have to resort to 'DP's DC's mum' which is where things start to get ridiculous. We could say 'DP's ex' however, in these situations. Assuming of course they were actually in a relationship at one point and it wasn't an accidental pregnancy or whatever. Or that shouldn't be 'DP's widow' which is another real possibility.

Also what term could we use to to replace all the bracketed words in a phrase like 'stepmothers on MN are too quick to take against (posters who are mothers separated from their DC's father whose children now have a SM) and vice versa' ?

Deep - why do you assume all SM's were the OW ?? I think that misguided assumption is far more offensive than the term 'birth mother.' Not all second wives are OWs!!

Oh and for all those who say its ridiculous to use the term in real life, I agree, but how many of us actually use the term 'stepmother' or 'stepchild' in real life? I don't! I call DSS by his name and he calls me by mine. I don't even say 'my stepson' when talking about him to other people, and he doesn't refer to me as 'my step mum'. Yet when posting about him on here I always write 'my DSS' and talk about myself as a 'SM'...its just ease of reference. Which is why I used bm on occasion until I realised how offensive people found it.

I have no pretensions to being my DSS's mother, and count his own mother as a friend whose role I certainly don't want to diminish or undermine in any way. And I am not stupid or unintelligent as some posters up thread would conclude I must be.

I don't assume, you decided to take my words that way, for whatever reason. I know what I meant, and that was it takes an odd bod to put a mother down and call her a birthmother, its the sort of behavior you would see from an ow who wanted to take over the life of another, and become the wife/mother and treat the Mother as if she were a leader being, she is the Mother, the first wife , the second wife is that someone who came along later, and has to fit in to a family, not take it over.

All new, no, you warped my post to fit your theory, it is not what I meant. God love the mother of your step children, your do and above all the children stuck in a situation if you jump all over things and misread ands twist it to be something it is not, they have my deepestsympathy.

deep do you think that a lot of the issues in blended families stem from the fact that the Dad gives more priority to his second wife than his first?
That he doesn't respect the importance of the role of the mother of his first DCs? And that too often, he treats his second DCs, with his second wife, as equals to his first DCs?

I just literally snorted with laughter at the idea we would want to take over a BMs role. Most step parents here actually do have their own children you know and - well- in the way of mothers everywhere are actually quite attached to them.

Have a nice cup of tea deep - and a little think about what you are saying - transference of your own experiences seem to be interfering somewhat.

Nah, I am not the one transferring, or in requirement of a cup of tea.

It's not a life choice I would make, your grown women who went in with open eyes to a broken family, its the children I feel for not a bunch of whiney women who chose the lifestyle.

Haha, honestly, if I wanted to be rude or offensive about dsd's mum I'm pretty sure I could come up with something far worse than bm!

Of course second children don't deserve to be born if it means a change in lifestyle for the first - parents who stay together can have second children that financially impact on a family - that's ok - but heaven forbid a second wife may want a baby of her own.

Then again - wouldn't wanting your own children conflict with the idea you are trying to steal the children of the first marriage.

I'm confusing myself.

Tory in this NON SWEARING house we call her The Cunt when my children aren't around.

I agree with Deep on something - I feel reel sorry for the
SCs with that lunatic as their mother.

deep I'm genuinely interested in your perception if what a SM lifestyle is?
I admit, I had no idea what to expect - perhaps I had rose-tinted spectacles, but I hadn't given it any thought until DP and I got together.

What do you think are the sort of things that a SM has to accept (without whining) when they take on the role?

I'm a moany woman

I've been assaulted in my own by one of my step children and twice had to have the police here
My younger children have been physically assaulted
I've been verbally abused on many an occasion
My 9 year old (at the time) SD informed me I "was a whore who fucked her dad in her mum's bed"
I've been called out of work to deal with SSH regular suspensions (dad away mum couldn't be parsed)
Etc etc etc.

I do understand that there are people with limited emotional intelligence who even in adulthood struggle to grasp the complex of variety and nature of human relationships but only the hard of thinking throws the 'you knew what you were getting into' line around.

It's not your step children's fault you admit to being so thoughtless, must cause you a lot of strife in your life, not thinking things through before launching yourself head first into things, makes for a dramarama life, I image that type of behavior.