Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

No, Jemma. I am sorry, but your reading comprehension seems to be lacking.
Let me quote myself, then, OK?

no, I would not expect my "new" partner to do the things for DD that were my or her father's responsibility.

It is not my responsibility now to provide childcare for my DH's children, should they require that - it is his. It is not the responsibility of my future fictional partner to provide childcare for my child - it is mine.

I suggest that you read (and please do so carefully) the legal terms regarding Parental Responsibility.

Of course I do things voluntarily to help my family members out. The key word being voluntarily. And as a voluntary childminder, I reserve the right not to help out if I have other commitments, such as looking after a newborn, or meeting a friend for a beer as many beers as I like.

I would expect the same from Future Mr Brdgrl, should DH and I split up, as I feel sure that DH would continue to be DD's parent. Should DH pass away, and in the fullness of time, it seemed appropriate for Future Mr to adopt or acquire PR, that would be a different situation.

So, Jemma, care to answer my own question, now?
Posted at 23:07:17, if you missed it.

it's fine to treat your partner's child as an annoying add on and second fiddle to your own glorious life and your kids.

Or, from my perspective - it's fine not to burden my DP with the additional responsibility of my DD when he's getting to grips with parenting his own DC's.

they don't like people telling them how it should be.

That's right. I don't like people telling me, unasked and in the most unpleasant of ways, how I should feed my kids, how I should potty train my kids, how I should paint my house, or how I should make love to my husband.

I really wonder about you lot who think you have a direct line to god and think you know how things "should be" for all the rest of us. Where do you get such expertise, I wonder?

some posters on here will flock together and try to shoot you down in flames because they don't like people telling them how it should be.

How it should be?!? You're damn right I don't like being told how it should be.

This is a forum, not a dictatorship - no one tells me how it should be in my home!

brdgrl

I can actually read thankyou, you are purely splitting hairs now to try to twist the meaning of your post Imo.

It doesn't matter whatever situation I'm in or not in, I'm allowed to post on any thread and any topic just as you are, I'm also free to give my opinion. From what I've read so far there are some very self centered, the world revolves around me not my dss's kind of people on here

I'll leave you and your sidekick to trot out some one liners but I'm off to bed now , night night

It is not splitting hairs, it is rather an important distinction. I'm sorry you can't see that. It suggests to me that you actually don't understand the meaning of parental responsibility, legally or otherwise.

I've not suggested that you aren't free to post, only inquired about your position and expertise on the topic you seem to speak so confidently about. You are evading that question, while making massive assumptions about my own situation.

Nighty night.

I'll leave you and your sidekick to trot out some one liners

Me? A mere sidekick? Surely I deserve more acknowledgement, as a dreadful mother who hasn't sought out a willing father-figure for my DD, for whom I share responsibility with her father alone, rather than a collective commune of step-relatives whose role is anything but clear!

NADM, I was hoping that one would get past you - it is the first time I have ever been 'anybody' on MN, warranting an actual sidekick. Awwwwww....please let me have it?

(to be honest, I think I'm the sidekick...)

brdgrl you're far better at the one liners; this ones all yours!

Thank you NADM! I will just give the badge a good polish and get it back to you all shiny. :)

Thousands of new mothers up and down the country, and millions more worldwide, will be keeping an older child in childcare when a new baby arrives, for consistency, bonding with the child and generally also to make their lives a tiny bit easier during a very busy sleepless time. Yet, despite this cultural/societal norm , never questioned, when a SM does it, this apparently = treating the older child as an "annoying add on and second fiddle to your glorious life and your kids"

When I had my (only child) ds I was happy to have my mum come and stay for 3 weeks, to look after me as much as my baby (c section).
Dh1 was more than useless, wanting looking after himself. I dread to think what a first time mum must be going through, knowing that this extra pair of loving hands will be happily employed elsewhere. A great scenario for causing future resentment all round.
Dh should be supporting OP first and formost here, she's in a vulnerable position and will probably love him and his dd all the more for giving her consideration, respect and that bit of extra attention she so deserves.
Granted, having a second baby is usually not as frightening and older dc may even be around for the birth, but can't comment on that as I only have the one (dh2 didn't want more, different story...).

I would absolutely not dream of keeping my kids with the cm when my baby arrives in September. Way to make them feel pushed out! Cannot understand this mentality and never have. Neither do I get it when people send one to nursery and keep one off in the hols or whenever. To me, a family unit is a family unit.

Perhaps it's just the way I was brought up. The kids get one on one time, but not through their sibling being shoved in childcare whilst the other one goes off on a jolly to the cinema. Can't see how this would do anything other than breed massive resentment.

.......shoved in childcare......

No doubt what your views on professional childcare is, then!

I'm actually quite impressed that a mainstream MN argument has made it to the step- boards; makes a change to be berated for something not step- specific

Kind of proves the point that there is no "should" about how to parent a family. Each individual has their own views and makes choices based on their specific values and circumstances. Each board on mumsnet shows that on a daily basis. Only on the SP board are those choices used as a judgement of your bad character, showing you are treating children as an annoyance/add on/secondary to your other children

Oh no, I absolutely judge non-step parents who do this WAY more than steps! As far as I am concerned, I am not my step-mum's child. She treats me as though I am, which is absolutely to her credit, but I don't feel that she has the obligations to me that my Dad does.

My own dear late Mum worked as a cm, and I have worked in a nursery myself. I have a great deal of respect for the cm who looks after my kids. However, I definitely see professional childcare as being a second-class substitute for kids being at home in their own environment. Do I use it because I don't want to be unable to work for the rest of my life? Yes. Would I use it when I am at home with another of my children? Absolutely not. And I just don't understand why people do. Obviously, I would never share this opinion with friends who do it (of which I have many). I personally like to keep my judgey pants firmly covered by open-minded trousers when communicating irl.

Obviously I am not anyone's child, being 34 years old - I should probably have put "I am not my step-mum's daughter".

I've only read half the thread so will steer clear of the heated debates about step parenting and stick to the OP!

YANBU to expect to have some time to adjust to having a new baby without having to factor in the school run.

At the very least I'd want to keep the childminder in place for 8 weeks, which allows for baby being a couple of weeks late and having to have a CS. Ideally I'd suggest 12 weeks by which time you'll have got the 'shock to the system' out of the way along with the most frequent/regular midwife/HV/baby clinics and jabs.

I'd remind your DP that there is a lot more to having a newborn than sitting at home watching daytime TV and actually, a return bus journey 3x a week could put quite a spanner in the works re important appointments as certain things only run at specific times. Certainly where I live, there are 2 set baby clinics per week, and midwifes have 1 day per week for home visits.

Another thing to consider - if you know you will definitely be going back to work after maternity leave, it's not going to be a good idea to mess with DSD's routine too much (sounds like her own mum is doing enough of that already) or potentially relinquish reliable childcare.

Having said all that, it sounds like you have a good relationship with DSD on the whole and that she wants to spend time with you, so compromising and picking her up directly from school once or twice a week for the remainder of your mat leave would be nice (depending on what suits you and what will enable you to keep the CM on).

mynameisnotmichaelcaine exactly! Most SMs do treat their SC with a huge amount of love and care (and being a SM is different IMO to a SD as women seem to be more responsible for childcare all round it seems). However we do not have the same obligations nor rights as "biological parents". I wouldn't expect them to either.

I think you can treat SC very well without having to pretend that you are their mother. That is not healthy for the SC or the SM.

I think you can treat SC very well without having to pretend that you are their mother. That is not healthy for the SC or the SM

Excellent point.

Thousands of new mothers, and millions worldwide, will be keeping an older child in childcare when a new baby arrives. Yet despite this cultural/society norm, when a step mother does it, this is apparently ?treating an older child as an annoying add-on and second fiddle to your glorious life

Another excellent point. I know we?ve had debates before, where it?s fine for a bio child to be despatched to granny/sister/auntie etc when mum goes into labour, but if anyone suggests doing this with a step child, well, light the blue touch paper and stand well back !!!

NADM & brdgrl which one is batman and which one is robin lol

Why is it Jemma1111 that when you are challenged to qualify why you feel you are qualified to vilify SM's who interact in a way different to how you feel it should be done you feel the need to insult them?

Living in a country that allows each of us freedom of speech and choice we are all entitled to have differing opinions just as we are entitled to parent our biological and step children how we deem fit - the only person who is allowed to have a valid input into this is the father of the child.

This post has long since stopped being about the OP and has instead become a forum for people to attack others based on what they deem is the only way to parent - wake up folks, what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. I believe is was brdgrl who has posted several times the phrase horses for courses. Each to her own quite frankly.

Respect that others do it differently and it works for them

Of course you're apprehensive about the newborn. Of course the thought of any obligations is frightening. Your dp should realise and acknowledge this. I too can't see how it will help the sd to be yanked out of her routine and into a house with a probably exhausted and nervous new mum and a screaming baby. But then again you might find you enjoy the company and the structure of a school run, so keep your options open and don't commit.