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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

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brdgrl · 10/06/2013 20:47

I would bet that if the husbands /partners of many SM's posting , could read threads like this one[...]

I frequently share these threads with my DH.

In fact, we spent most of lunch this afternoon discussing the vile attitudes towards stepmums that are put forward on these boards at times.

I think my DH accepts that the DSCs are, in fact, inconvenient at times. So is our DD, actually, and we can both acknowledge that without any suspicion that she is unloved.

My DH and I do things to help one another out...or to make family life more pleasant. So he might go out of his way to give me a lift to work, or give my cat his medication twice a day. And I might look after his kids while he's away for a weekend, or do the laundry for everyone, or sew buttons on the kids' school shirts. But we don't take each other for granted when we do something which really is the other person's responsibility.

I do an awful lot for my DSCs, but I have my limits and boundaries, and DH expects nothing else.

She is bound to wonder why she can't be at home too.
This happens in a great many families, surely. The older children go to nursery, and the younger ones are at home with mum. In fact, my weekly playgroup is full of mums who are there with their under-threes, while their four and five year-olds are at nursery or school. This is more common than dirt, is it not? But now it's a problem?

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:47

I think if I was to take DS (4) out of the after school club he adores and make him instead watch me feeding and nappy changing a new baby it would feel very selfish of me. I know what he'd prefer to be doing. There's plenty of other time in the week for siblings to bond.

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:51

Allnewtake2 maybe more time for you dc but maybe not for the op dsd as the rest of the time she will be at school/ not have long till bedtime/ be at her mothers and may only have a short period of the time with her baby sibling.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:54

Pearly you seem intent on making out like the op has done this before and she hasn't.

She is a first time mum ffs no first time mum should be expected to chase after anyone in those first weeks irrespective of whether it is a step child, a partner or the flaming milk man. So why the hell should the op not be allowed that right just because her dp wants to pull his child out of an established routine she is happy and secure in

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:55

Dont be so silly. The DSD will only be in childcare a short while and then there's tea time, bath time, play time. And that's just week days, not counting weekends. Are you saying that families whose child are in childcare don't bond with their siblings Hmm

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:56

brdgrl is right about the jealousy of older child being at school/nursery while baby is at home. My best mate had a nightmare with her ds1 refusing violently not to go in to nursery because ds2 would be at home. It is a natural part of growing up that kids have to go through.

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:59

Babyhmummy did you not know DSC are not allowed to be exposed to normal childhood feelings Wink

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 21:01

allnew oops must have missed that memo!

theboutiquemummy · 10/06/2013 21:05

I'd play for time with the let's see how I feel once the baby arrives what happens if the delivery isn't straight forward ?

Don't feel pressured into anything and let your DH know that's how you feel

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 21:11

My baby was a dreadful sleeper and I spent the first 3 years number of months sleepless and exhausted. Every ten mins hours sleep he had was the only thing that kept me going. No one knows how easy or difficult a new baby will be. Much better for the DSD to have a happy SM with some rest than a worn out exhausted one

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 21:18

All new yes but there is not plenty of time if she spends forty percent of the time at her mums.
I never said the op has had a baby before but her baby does have an older sibling.

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 21:23

Her baby has a half-sibling. Who has two parents of her own.
They can have a marvelous relationship.
Lots of siblings do, even when their parents work and time together is limited.

But that should not necessarily be the first priority of the OP, anyway.

AThingInYourLife · 10/06/2013 21:29

"Her baby has a half-sibling. Who has two parents of her own."

I know, that is truly an outrageous situation.

These two children must be equal in everything.

The OP really needs to go and find a second mother for this baby so it will be the same as her DSD.

:o

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 21:30

I agree with WannaBe. If you choose a man with a child you are never going to be those first time parents- you are adding to your family. Of course 60% is sustainable- people don't get rid of an old child because they get a new one! Obviously, from her DP's point of view 100% would be the ideal, but you have to be fair to the DC and the mother and he can't have the ideal.
OP has my sympathy in that she has the DC for 60% of the time and yet she has no control. That is what needs sorting out. It is her home, her family and she should be in charge when she has her- otherwise she is the housekeeper/nanny/cook- all without pay! She needs to change things.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 21:48

If DP is lucky enough to get 60%, most men are not that lucky, then I can't see why he would voluntarily go down to less. Parents are generally fighting for time- not fighting for less time!!

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 21:59

Parents yes but the parent in this instance isn't getting more or less time, he is expecting the step parent to pick up his slack

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 22:10

It isn't his slack- she is living with them as part of the family. If OP didn't want a family she shouldn't have chosen a man with a child. My DH is expected to treat his DSS in exactly the same way as our joint DCs - he certainly can't tell me be is my DS and he isn't doing it!! When he got me he got my child.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 22:14

Then I feel sorry for your dh exotic

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 22:14

If DH wanted a cosy little nuclear family than he should have married a woman without children- it may have been his first experience with a baby but it wasn't mine and we were having a second child of the family. This closed a lot of groups etc to me and time alone with a baby- that is what happens when up add to a family.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 22:16

But the point is it was your second child, you had your time as a first time mum and the op should be allowed hers

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 22:20

exotic, that is one model for a blended family, but it is not the only one and it is not the automatic 'best practice' for every family.

I did want a "family" with my DH and now my DSCs are part of my family. But they are not my children. They are not my nephews or my in-laws, either, and yet those are all also members of my family. My DSCs are my DSCs - a unique and completely incomparable category.

All the children in our family are not treated equally. To do so would be both impossible, and undesirable and unfair to pretty much every member of the family.

If this is the dynamic that you and your DH have arrived at, that is your choice. But it is no more a universal truth than any other blanket statement about "how families should be".

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 22:21

I don't see why babyhmummy. I certainly wouldn't have married him had he had your attitude. I gave him the most precious gift- a relationship with my wonderful DS- had he said that he didn't want it then he wasn't the man for me! It has all worked out wonderfully well- he has been a step father for over 20 years with a great relationship. Once you have a child they come first- it wouldn't matter how much I loved DH, if it didn't suit DS then I would have walked away. I am an adult and I can deal with heartbreak. I was not going to have a position where DH couldn't meet him from school because he wanted to bond with his biological child.

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 22:23

I was and am a first-time mum with my DD, and I am very glad that DH supported/supports (because it is an on-going thing) me in that.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2013 22:23

I can see that you can treat them differently if you both have your own DCs. It once you have joint ones you can't have siblings where some are favoured and some are mere visitors.

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 22:26

It once you have joint ones you can't have siblings where some are favoured and some are mere visitors.

Really?

We have one joint child, and DH has two children. I had none.

There are no visitors, they all live here 100% of the time, but no, they are not treated the same.

I'm sorry, but I think you are projecting from your own experience to where you can't see how another 'method' might be right for another family or set of circumstances.

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