Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

I expect that we are all projecting our own experiences- that is what people do.

I expect that we are all projecting our own experiences- that is what people do.

Yes, but - and I mean this respectfully - I am willing to accept that your set-up is right for you, and you seem to be making rather declarative statements about how things "should" be for others.

sorry - quote fail, there!

Pearly, in most step family situations, the time spent with DSCs is much less than 60% (for NRP). Yet the half siblings can bond well, even when access is every other weekend. You're talking nonsense and grasping at straws

In my case my child came first- we were a package.
I am surprised that there are parents who would put their DP first- but accept that that they do.
It is unacceptable to me that my DCs would be treated unequally in their own home or by relatives - I accept that people find it quite acceptable to treat them differently.
I would imagine that our own experiences colour our views.

Exotic no one is saying their own or op's dsc are treated as visitors but for those of us who have taken on the step role and then gone on to have our own children will always want and deserve to have that first time mum experience

I suppose, too, that there is a lack of clarity about "equally" and "differently".

When people see a stepmum talking about 'differences', this is often interpreted as 'unequal'.

Need - what some strangers on the internet write made you feel resentful towards your stepchild. Really?

There is lots of research on what makes a successful step family and one thing that stands out is that the succesful ones are where the couple are at the "top of the heap" within the family. Putting the couple "first" is the way to ensure that all the children within the family feel secure.

Of course that doesn't mean that a new partner should trample all over the children's needs but ultimately if the couple consider everyone's needs within the step family and communicate together in an open, honest way, the children can and do benefit along with the adults.

"Putting the couple "first" is the way to ensure that all the children within the family feel secure."

Absolutely, and that is true of nuclear biological families as well as blended families. DC often try to take control of (aspects of) families through manipulative or other means and it is vitally important that the couple are aware of this and don't let it happen!

OP post wants time alone to bond with her baby- maybe the problem is that she has never had the time alone with the step child to bond. She seems to run the whole relationship through her partner and not have forged one if her own. Would the 2 of them even want a relationship if they were not stuck with it?
I came close to being a step mother but I did spend a lot if time alone with his DD doing things together and we made a relationship. When we split up she wrote to me and said that she hoped it wasn't her fault (it wasn't)- we kept in touch for a while.

I also made sure that DH2 and DS had lots of time alone before we got married and that they were well beyond the 'honeymoon period'- DH had seen DS at his tired and grotty worst and deal with it- and made sure that they actually enjoyed each other's company and were completely natural with each other. DS was thrilled when we got married and he got the brother he had always wanted.(he had hated being an only child).

There is a very sensible article here. It doesn't talk about the couple regarding themselves as 'top of the heap' - but rather about the importance of them talking, function as a team, and making time for one another.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201107/stepfamily-success

exotic While that's all very lovely for you, and may, or may not, have contributed to the positive relationship between your DS and DH - it's not exactly practical for the OP, is it?

She can't hop in her time machine, turn back the clock and do things differently!
She is where she is; heavily pregnant with her first child, facing the demands of her DH to 'treat his DD as her own' when her feelings towards her DD are not compatible with that.
Who knows, in time, the OPs relationship with her DSD may begin to mirror the one your DH has with your DS - but as you say, that took time, it didn't happen at your demand.

The OP is not in the same place as your DH is; just like he needed time, so does the OP, and unlike you, her DH isn't giving it to her.

I can't see why on earth the SC should be more important - they should be merely an equal member of the family. OP may not have a time machine but today is the first day of the rest of her life- she can make that important relationship that seems to be missing. She thinks it important to bond with the baby so I can't think why she doesn't think it important to bond with the baby's sister.
Once you have a DC you lose the luxury of a completely free choice in life- you are always choosing a partner that suits your DC rather than you. The DC is more important, if it goes wrong you are an adult and can deal with it but the DC is powerless. Anyway- that is the way that I saw it.
If I was DP and utterly thrilled to have my DC for 60% of the time I wouldn't expect others to be saying I should have less and it wasn't sustainable with a baby. If OP has another DC she will be managing both- not saying it isn't sustainable.
If you marry a partner with part time children you have to bear in mind that one day you might, through circumstances, get 100%.

Anyway- a new baby is a great chance to bond- DSD is an age to get really involved with her sister and help.

OP I hope you're feeling better today. With regards to your day off, stick to your plans, it if definitely not excluding your DSD, it is about recharging your batteries. With my own children I relish a day with no clock watching or school runs. Sometimes sitting in a cafe with a good book is very much needed !

I'm a SM too and I can remember that feeling of trying to figure out my role in their lives, and it is not easy. I think you are doing the right thing by seeing how it goes, but you must be clear to your DH how you feel about it. You may however be surprised. I just loved watching the sibling relationship develop between my step sons & their half brothers, & having them enhanced my feelings for my step children. I did already have a very small child though & DH has always unquestioningly treated him as his own, (his bio dad isn't on the scene) so I have felt that as a family we needed complete commitment to the children.

Saying that my DH knew that his children arriving did alter the running of the house & that sometimes I would find the sheer chaos overwhelming, & I would need to go out by myself! It was very natural for us to do that. We have never been in each others pockets all if the time. Truly loving a step child takes time & can never be forced. My money is on the fact that you will get to a stage that you quite fancy picking her up from school, BUT it must be your decision.

Good luck.

I agree with not planning to have her less. I know it is t you that has said that OP. I had DS2 just before DH's weekend with the children & I can still remember being in hospital thinking how much I wished they weren't coming. They did come, DH did all of the caring, & it was great. I have fabulous memories of that first weekend & with the benefit if hindsight I can see that DH was 100% right to want them there. It would have been quite wrong to make them feel they couldn't come because DH had another child.

Once you have a DC you lose the luxury of a completely free choice in life- you are always choosing a partner that suits your DC rather than you.
I think this is a remarkable statement. Should anything happen to my DH, I would choose to be alone before I would choose a partner 'for the sake of' my DD.

I have fabulous memories of that first weekend & with the benefit if hindsight I can see that DH was 100% right to want them there. It would have been quite wrong to make them feel they couldn't come because DH had another child.
Just to present an opposite view- my DSC were not there, and in hindsight I am nothing but glad. It was the right decision. (And has had no impact on their ability to bond with their half-sister.)
Horses for courses.

Brdgirl, it is horses for courses. Therein lies the answer to most of this. We all parent differently and we all step parent differently. Finding an equilibrium for your own family is the hard part!