Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

Once you have a DC you lose the luxury of a completely free choice in life- you are always choosing a partner that suits your DC rather than you.

Selecting a life partner on the basis of their suitability as a parent for your DCs of a previous relationship is a recipe for disaster and incredibly disrespectful.
Does your DH know that if he fails to live up to the standards you have of him as a father-figure, he'll be history?

I came close to being a step mother but I did spend a lot if time alone with his DD doing things together and we made a relationship. When we split up she wrote to me and said that she hoped it wasn't her fault (it wasn't)- we kept in touch for a while.

exotic, you can't know how that would have turned out, though. It is a bit like saying "I baked a cake the other day, and I used mayonnaise instead of eggs. The batter looked great. Sadly, the cake burned, so I'm not sure how it really would have tasted, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with the mayonnaise."

I understand that you think you know 'the recipe' for blended families because you had a success with your DS, in your own terms. If someone asked you how to bake a cake, you'd give them your recipe. If someone asked me the same question, I'd give them a completely different recipe, based on my successful attempts.

You might be baking chocolate cake and I might be baking yellow cake. But I see no reason or point in trying to get you to tear up your recipe and declare it worthless. Maybe people in your house like chocolate cake.

We all parent differently and we all step parent differently. Finding an equilibrium for your own family is the hard part!

This. And the problem with the boards lately has been a refusal to respect this, frankly.

I love the cake analogy.

Some posters are insisting on us baking chocolate cake, when our DSCs might not even like chocolate cake. Or in some cases, their mother doesn't let them eat chocolate cake.

And some people might insist that the household eats cake on a rota basis: chocolate cake Monday-Fri , carrot cake Sat-Sun, then on Thur-Sun EOW we eat Victoria Sponge - just because that's what we started off doing 7 years ago !!! And any cake being served on a Sunday has to be finished by 6pm sharp ......

Anyone serving tiramasu is guilty of emotional abuse!

I have exactly the same situation as you no near family. My little girl is now 17 months old. However, I had that situation where due to birth I needed recovery time and could not excert myself for 8 weeks. I also had the difficult colicky baby who never slept - I was exhausted for 6 months! if your baby is like this and you happen to get them to sleep just when you need to collect step child from school that would be difficult to manage and would be exhausting and fustrating- in any other family situation if you are busy with a new baby the other parent takes responsibility for the older child. keep arangments as they are currently until you find your feet with your little one and you know what type of baby you have. If you are luck enough to have one that sleeps through after 6 weeks and has a nap at regular times. then I think that it is ok for you to pick up other child after a couple of months bonding. But for the first 2 months you will not know if you are coming or going esp as you have no other experience of managing baby. Also the older one may be bored as will want to do more active things. Good luck and enjoy those first few months they are very precious.

no wonder we end up with toothache!

Once you have a DC you lose the luxury of a completely free choice in life- you are always choosing a partner that suits your DC rather than you.

Oh dear this is very dangerous. This happened to my DH, his first wife married him because he was good with her eldest children. He paid for everything, treated them as his own, loved them, was there for them when they were ill, they called him daddy. He bought them extravagent presents, savings accounts set up for them the lot. After 10 years and a mutual child later, she falls for a bloke she meets at work. Sparks fly and she realises she never loved DH only that he was a good dad.

Someone please tell me how that has not f**ked up those 2 children's heads? Why they suddenly have a new daddy, and a real dad BTW , that the old daddy they lived with since being babies can no longer be contacted. Now I assume you will all tell me that DH should now turn off his love for his stepchildren, but he can't because it doesn't work like that, and it's times like this Sunday coming where he is going to feel it the most.

So no I am not going to love DSS as my own, he has his own mum, and if his mum were to sadly pass away or disown her son then yes I would adopt him and love him as my own. But until then, and I really hope it never happens for DSS sake, it's cruel I think for parents to portray their spouses as equal parents. They are not, their parents just happen to live in different homes. I have no right to start parenting my DSS over the wishes of his mother or his father. I do however have the right to parent my own children how I see fit, and will not make out that DSS is some kind of special child who requires extra fuss and attention because he happens to live in two homes.

It really gets on my nerves when women make their partners out to be their children's 'daddy'. It is confusing and cruel, you may have no intention of leaving your partner but you never know what your partner may do. Are you going to facilitate contact for the real dad, the ex daddy, and the possible new daddy you meet later on?

I just can't beleive how this thread has gone on and on, because the OP wants to get to grips with being a new mum. She has no family nearby to help her, and she doesn't need preachy mothers who are so bleeding perfect making her feel inadequate. She deserves support and love like we afford to all new mums to be. Give the gal a break!

Anyone peckish now. I hope you are enjoying your coffee and book OP and based on the last few posts that you have cake

I love the way the preachy mothers always assume "a new baby will be easy". Not all babies are easy. Some babies DO NOT SLEEP (mine!). Thankfully my DH was sensitive to meeting everyones needs and did not wrap the DSCs in cotton wool. He wouldn't have dared to ask me, sleepless and frustrated, to run after them while he was at work.

Once you have a DC you lose the luxury of a completely free choice in life- you are always choosing a partner that suits your DC rather than you.
I think this is a remarkable statement. Should anything happen to my DH, I would choose to be alone before I would choose a partner 'for the sake of' my DD

That was exactly what I meant!! You stay alone if the partner doesn't suit your DC. No way do you chose a partner to be a parent!

Does your DH know that if he fails to live up to the standards you have of him as a father-figure, he'll be history?

This again is not what I meant!! We discussed it all first-I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't going to be suitable. He wouldn't have married me if he couldn't have taken on my DS. He won't be history-he has lasted over 20 years and the DS has left home and they still have a great relationship-an equal relationship with our other 2 DCs.

We discussed it all first-I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't going to be suitable.

Oh, exotic...
Do you think my DH and I didn't discuss our roles and parenting? And hey - he thought I was suitable. And yet, you and I have different ways of doing things, and a different view on what our family dynamics are/should be.
Do you not see the arrogance it projects, when you conclude that your way is the 'right way', and those of us who put forth a different view are met with these broadly declarative and completely judgemental statements about THE WAY?

I can't see that if OP left her DP and had another baby with a new partner in 6 yrs time she would be happy that he wouldn't want to meet her DD from school and he wanted to concentrate on his own baby. I think that she would want to include her older child and do what you normally do when you have an older child. Would she really want her 2 DCs to have a father figure who favoured one of them and wanted to spend more time with one of them?

I can't see that if OP left her DP and had another baby with a new partner in 6 yrs time she would be happy that he wouldn't want to meet her DD from school and he wanted to concentrate on his own baby

Why not, though? You have people here telling you that they are OK with exactly this. You don't want to believe that people can be ok with this, and I don't understand why.

In your theoretical scenario - no, I would not expect my "new" partner to do the things for DD that were my or her father's responsibility. If we had her in childcare, I would expect that arrangement to continue. If for example I were working and my [imaginary new] partner were on paternity leave, I would not expect him to be going to fetch DD out of childcare to come home and give him another child to look after when he could be devoting that time to the newborn. Absolutely not!!!

do what you normally do when you have an older child.

That's what many people normally DO, exotic, as has been pointed out several times on this thread already. It is very common for an older child to be in childcare or nursery while a newborn is at home. Very very very common. Shall we conduct a poll?

But her DCs wouldn't have the same father! Not all step-dads are father figures - my DP certainly isn't a father-figure to my DD!

exotic you've avoided my question before and I think it's relevant to understanding the perspective you are coming from so I'll ask it again;

How does your DS's biological father feel about the role that you have given your DH, as a father-figure to his DS?

(Apologies for using the term biological in this context even though I know it offends some people - I've done so because it distinguishes between the two 'equal' men in exotics DS life)

And this - Would she really want her 2 DCs to have a father figure who favoured one of them and wanted to spend more time with one of them?

Unless her current DP is completely out of his daughter's life and the daughter has been adopted by the new partner - then DD will already have two parents, including, presumably, a father who would rather spend time with her than with her half-sister or half-brother. DD will have an extended paternal family who will have no connection to the new half-sibling. They will be half-siblings. That means things are different for each of them, and they have different relationships to the OP's [imaginary new] partner, in your scenario. It doesn't have to be a negative.

Unless her current DP is completely out of his daughter's life and the daughter has been adopted by the new partner

Or unless she is trying to re-write history and create a nuclear family with her current partner, regardless of whom actually fathered her DCs, and actively prevents them from having any kind of relationship with their Dad.
A common scenario, unfortunately

brdgrl

So you would never expect any potential 'new' partner to help you to look after your older child.
I guess its easy for you to say now because your'e not in that situation, you really do come across like you know it all but , you never know, one day you might be eating your words.

So you would never expect any potential 'new' partner to help you to look after your older child.
Erm, no, that is not what I have said. Please don't misquote me. It is really rude.

As for not being in the situation, I am, and have been, however, in the situation of looking after my DH's older children every single day.

What situation are you in, Jemma?

Erm yes you did, post at 21:29 words to that effect.

I hate these threads, piles of people saying yeah it's fine to treat your partner's child as an annoying add on and second fiddle to your own glorious life and your kids.

Awful stuff.

The kid is 5. She's enough to cope with. If you're able at all, you should just go pick her up. And be nice and pleasant about it too! Good to get out of the house anyway ime.

jemma It's me who said that, and I am in that situation.

I don't expect my DP to provide care or support for my DD. I ensure that arrangements are in place for her when I am unavailable; I do not rely on him to be at home after school while I'm at work, look after her alongside DSS during school holidays or see her off to school in the mornings.

If he does those things - which he does, on occasion - it is because he offers to. And he offers knowing that I don't expect it.

My DD's care is shared 50:50 with her Dad - if I can manage to take sole responsibility for my DD in that time, I'm struggling to understand why NRP whose DSC spend EOW with them need to delegate care to the step-parent.

Ooh wiltingfast I totally agree with you

Be aware though that some posters on here will flock together and try to shoot you down in flames because they don't like people telling them how it should be.