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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

OP posts:
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AThingInYourLife · 10/06/2013 19:11

"I think this thread highlights something I had long thought ? that women are far less accepting of stepchildren than men are, predominantly because it?s not the norm for stepchildren to spend the majority of their time with their father"

It's also not the norm for step children to spend the majority of time with their step fathers.

Very few step fathers are asked to do the amount of childcare expected of many step mothers.

Very few women seek out a new partner specifically to lighten the load of looking after their existing children. But men do.

Asking a woman to take on another child "as her own" is almost never the same as asking a man to do the same, when women do such a disproportionate amount of childcare.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 10/06/2013 19:16

I have found this thread really informative and it has changed my views. Despite some posters being a bit, umm, forthright, I think I can now understand that step parents are not simply a 'third' extra parent.

I couldn't understand some posters reluctance to help out and now I do. I also can see that you can deeply care about your DSC but still not want to act as a third parent.or skivvy Grin

It must be very difficult to be a step parent. Those of you that make it work deserve a big pat on the back.

I hope the OPs situation settles down. Pregnancy and first borns are often the cause of extra emotion and change. It can be a difficult time in the most settled families. I hope that OP can find the right balence between supporting her DH, her DSD AND supporting herself.

I like it when I have my views changed for the better. Smile. It is what MN talk should be all about......

Petal02 · 10/06/2013 19:21

Minesadecaff - whatever else has been said in this thread, I think you come across as very caring and genuine. And if you weren't pregnant I'd send you a cyber-glass of wine. But til the baby is born, will you settle for a chocolate hob nob??

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 19:45

thereareeggs, you have made my day. Thank you! :)

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 19:56

Same as brdgrl

Mycatistoosexy · 10/06/2013 20:05

OP it's natural for you to feel a hormonal wobbly mess when pregnant and please don't get too upset by some of the more forthright rude people on here.

Step-parenting is a hard gig. Harder than being a biological parent IMO (I am both). You cannot expect to feel the same love for your DSD as you will do your biological child. Not in a bad way or a lesser way but it's not the same. Because you aren't her mother.

If I split up with DP and his new GF said that she loved my DS like 'her own' I would appreciate the sentiment but think that a mothers love is very different. Different, but that doesn't mean that all step-parents don't care for their DSC. Most step parents do loads for the SC, treat them fairly and equally and love them dearly. All that in the face of opposition from the SC sometimes and frequently the ExP.

It is a responsibility that step-parents take on by choice (but so is having a biological kid) but still something that many people wouldn't or couldn't take on.

I do agree that you aren't a parent but more a carer. I choose to see it as an opportunity to try and be part of my SC's lives as a person who can guide and help them through life along side their parents.

Long post sorry but you are going to feel down about your ability, all that is expected of you and at times it could be bloody tough. Ask for support from your DP, talk to him about how you feel and do your best xx

Jemma1111 · 10/06/2013 20:13

I would bet that if the husbands /partners of many SM's posting , could read threads like this one and see how some of the Sm's come across and realize how many obviously find step children a burden / inconvenience or words to that effect , then they would be horrified to say the least .

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:19

What wannabe said

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/06/2013 20:19

Horrified when they realise how thoughtless and insensitive they are towards their dps? Whole-heartedly agree.

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:24

And I'm sure that if the children of all the complaining mothers on the teenager etc boards read the posts they might feel the same Jemma Hmm.

Jemma1111 · 10/06/2013 20:25

Oldlady

No, horrifed that they didn't know what they were letting themselves in for .
In time though , these men eventually figure it out .

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:29

Imagine this thread in aibu,My dc are in ab after school club however my Dp's work shifts have changed so he is around to do the school run. He has said that while he is happy to pick up his dd from infant school he is not prepared to pick up my ds ( who
lives with us both the majority of the time) from the junior school a few streets away from the infant school . My dp says he wants to be able to chat to his dd in peace on the way home and enjoy fun activities in the house with his dd without interruption from my ds. Aibu to be upset by this? Honestly what do you think the reaction would be?

motherinferior · 10/06/2013 20:32

But it's not equivalent. The OP will have just had a baby. Her first baby.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:32

jemma as I have posted previously on this thread I have discussed this thread and my comments with my dp and he whole heartedly agrees that no step-parent should be considered by themselves or anyone else to be an extra parent. His kids are his and his exw's responsibility and as step mum (a term he dislikes) I am an additional adult in his kids lives. He fully accepts that whilst his kids are part of my family they are not now and never will be my children. He fully expects me to feel differently about our forthcoming baby to how I feel towards his kids.

I think most parents would be appalled at the suggestion that anyone other than them should parent their children.

At most I am a care giver and someone they can come to for support with things they don't feel comfy talking to mum and dad about. But I am not a parent to them.

motherinferior · 10/06/2013 20:33

If you think having a new baby is 'enjoying fun activities' you must have had a very different maternity leave from mine. FWIW the first few months of DD1's life were possibly some of the worst of mine.

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:33

Pearly in your example the DP would need to have a new baby and the poster's DC would need to be happily settled with a key carer. In such a case, the DP certainly wouldn't be unreasonable to keep consistency in the DC life rather than in a likely mundane boring baby filled bubble at home

motherinferior · 10/06/2013 20:35

And the DP would need to have stitches up the wazzoo and be shell-shocked.

(Sorry, OP, not painting very rosy picture of maternity here!)

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:36

Lol @ mother am now sat with my legs crossed and dreading giving birth

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:37

Yes I remember those baby fun activities well Hmm. Boring as f* for an older child.

All mothers I know have chosen to keep an elder child in childcare the majority of the time when on maternity leave. The elder child gets more interesting activities rather than acing to fit in with the baby, and the mum has more opportunity to rest when baby is asleep etc. win win.

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:40

while I did find being with my baby fun for the most part.
If the op was being asked never to have time alone with her baby that would be one thing but it is a few hours .
The point I was trying to make was imagine how hurt her do would be.

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:41

"while I did find being with my baby fun for the most part"

Are you a 5 year old child though?

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:42

Dp not do

allnewtaketwo · 10/06/2013 20:42

A few child & work free hours a week keeps me sane

PearlyWhites · 10/06/2013 20:43

Obviously not but I have 4dc and the older 3 have enjoyed being with their baby siblings.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:44

But u made that choice pearly. The op has been told this is how it will be

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