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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

thank god its sunday

181 replies

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 12:41

I know its an awful thing to say but having had dsc's for over a week I am really ready for them to go home.

They have really pushed boundaries this week and for the first time ever dp has actually disciplined them so we have had the backlash to deal with too. Although he still let's them get away with talking to me like crap...he is starting to back me up when I tell them off for it though.

Am soooo glad i have 2 weeks before they are here again.

Not aided by being 29 weeks pg and having an awful tummy bug for last 3 days

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 21:26

I suppose the comparison is often made because it's a similar situation, in that both teachers and step parents look after other people's children for extended periods.

..and that illustrates exactly why many people who are not step-parents cannot possibly relate to the situation - "teachers and parents look after other peoples children for extended periods of time, so ergo, they are similar".

you.have.no.idea

Teachers are not emotionally invested in their students.
DC's don't feel as if they are being disloyal to a parent if they interact with their teacher.
Teachers don't sacrifice their own health/wellbeing/career/happiness for the benefit of their pupils.
DC's don't resent the time that their teacher spends with other DC's or even other adults.
Teachers are trained, and qualified to care for their pupils.
DC's with significant emotional, behavioural or other needs are provided with specialist support alongside their teacher.
Teachers rarely spend more than a few hours at a time with their pupils.

Should I go on?

Being a step-parent is nothing like being a teacher, and frankly, I think it is insulting to both the teaching profession and step-parents to suggest that they are even remotely similar.

FrauMoose · 03/06/2013 21:31

Teachers have classes of 30 children many of who will be from troubled backgrounds and/or have special needs and/or who exhibit challenging behaviour. The parents of these - or other problems - may display challenging and aggressive behaviour. Or they may simply have too many difficulties to support the school in helping their children. While they are on duty, teachers have to remain calm and professional. They have admin far beyond any paperwork parents have to do. While other staff members, the Head, the Governors etc may be supportive that is not necessarily the case. (A member of my family is currently training as a primary school teacher and I would say that - with the preparation - it is more strenuous than looking after toddlers.) I would rather be a stepmother.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 21:37

While they are on duty, teachers have to remain calm and professional.

There is the same expectation of SM's - but we're never off duty as far as I can see - even losing it occasionally on an anonymous online forum is considered "unprofessional" in stepmum terms - yet, even teachers are allowed to vent in the staffroom!

While other staff members, the Head, the Governors etc may be supportive that is not necessarily the case.

No different to a stepmums partners, inlaws, siblings, parents and friends, then?

I agree with you - step-parenting and teaching are both very hard - but are in no way comparable.

FrauMoose · 03/06/2013 22:17

I actually think it might be slightly easier to opt out of stepmothering. Unless the child is resident in your household, typically there is quite a lot of time off when you can recharge. At times of difficulty it may be possible either to vary your stepchildren's times in your home or the amount of input you have during those visits. And you can - though it's not easy - decide if the stepmothering really isn't working because you are not getting the support from your own partner, it is not a job that you want to have. (You might get congratulated for walking away from a situation where you were being dumped on.) Whereas a teacher who walked away from teaching because the demands and expectations were just too huge and the back-up too little, might feel/be made to feel they had failed - particularly if they hadn't planned a good exit strategy.

I think I had quite a lot of support from friends when I was stepmothering. Online forums are a bit different I think. There is just a wider range of reactions, so what you often get is a spectrum of opinion - some of which will 'speak to your condition', and some which definitely doesn't.

My sense is that a lot of people who post here are those who are in particularly difficult stepmothering situations. I felt that my own situation was certainly less than ideal. My partner's split from his ex was acrimonious and there was no communication or cooperation about some very important matters to do with education, emotional health etc. My stepchildren squabbled a great deal and the bedwetting went on for a long time. On the other hand I had a supportive partner, my stepchildren were absolutely brilliant when I/we had a baby - and for a good part of the time my stepchildren were just very interesting - fun even - to be with and look after. They gave me some genuine affection and regard me as a stable and significant presence in their lives.

allnewtaketwo · 03/06/2013 22:24

"it may be possible either to vary your stepchildren's times in your home"

Really, you think a SM has much input over the time spent by a DSC in the house

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 22:37

from some of the posts here and in other threads it almost seems as if some people think SM have no choices available to them.

allnewtaketwo · 03/06/2013 22:40

Do you seriously think most SMs have a choice in when DSCs visit? Really? Most people I know have the access defined in a court order, for a start, and none of the SMs were the judges who wrote the terms of those documents

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 22:48

you have a choice not to live in that house. you have a choice not to be a step mother. you have a choice not to be in a relationship with the father of the children in question. there are always choices- although those who lean towards playing the victim card will deny it.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 22:51

from some of the posts here and in other threads it almost seems as if some people think SM have no choices available to them.

Yes, SM have choices. I considered carefully my choice as to whether to continue in my role as SM when I was faced with a very difficult family situation only recently.

But comparing the choice to leave a profession (which I have also done) with the choice to end a marriage, split a family and cause emotional distress to everyone involved is really not comparable.

CouthyMow · 03/06/2013 22:52

I'm not about to say that you should sit back whilst your DSC are being horrors - but IME, 10 is the age at which 'gobbiness' starts in some boys DS1 I'm looking at you, and your DSD is going from being her Dad's 'baby' to being the 'middle child'.

So there could be an element of regression because of that - but equally, my own DD had issues with wetting, up until 9yo in the day and 12 and a half at night, and would come out of school wet. She would tell me that she just couldn't be bothered, that she was too busy playing, etc.

It wasn't until years later, that she was able to articulate to me that she had been saying that because she didn't want to have to admit that she had an issue there. And if she told me that she was 'too busy playing', then she would have chosen that, whereas if it was just 'happening', and she couldn't control it, then SHE wasn't the one making the decisions IYSWIM.

But you do need to bear in mind that she is, in her mind at least, 'losing' her place as her Dad's baby. Going back to wetting may be a sign that she is not doing so well emotionally with that.

There are far better ways to discipline a child without resorting to physical abuse, though. Sanctions of things that that DC (or DSC) likes to watch, have or do, for starters.

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 22:53

did i compare it to leaving a profession?

CouthyMow · 03/06/2013 22:56

And I DO think that anyone saying that they wanted to snack their own DC's would be shot down on the main boards too - especially if they combined that with phrases like the OP used in her first post.

I may not always like my DC's, but I certainly don't want to smack them...

Spero · 03/06/2013 22:56

Sorry, this didn't leap out at me at the time but on revisiting the thread it jumped out loud and clear. I am really sad that the op said if her 'baby' requires 'discipline' she will smack her.

Why on earth would anyone think smacking a baby is a good idea? What does a 'baby' have to do to warrant a smack?

Or is this simply more acceptable venting?

My worry is that it does reveal something quite telling about the op's attitudes that have nothing to do with being tired and fed up step mother.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 22:57

Whereas a teacher who walked away from teaching because the demands and expectations were just too huge and the back-up too little, might feel/be made to feel they had failed - particularly if they hadn't planned a good exit strategy.

You didn't toe - but others did

allnewtaketwo · 03/06/2013 22:59

Suck, do you spend a lot of time on the relationship boards preaching to posters with issues about their "choices", or to that point the many many other boards on mumsnet about the "choices" they have, in the manner of well you have other choices so stop moaning? Or do you contain that attitude just to the SP board?

CouthyMow · 03/06/2013 23:00

Also - a look on the ERIC website.

ERIC

Some very useful info on here.

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 23:03

of course i point out that peope have other choices available to them on other boards! as do many other posters. when someone posts about her idle DH i'll offer advice that includes the choices she has available to her. if someone posts about trouble their dcs is having in school i'll offer up what i consider to be the choices availabe to them. what an odd question.

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 23:06

ah nota, i was confused by you quoting my post

CouthyMow · 03/06/2013 23:14

Apols for my random typo of 'snack' instead of smack. Rather changes the tone of the post...

I just don't think smacking is necessary in any situation, and for a baby?! The mind boggles.

needaholidaynow · 03/06/2013 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 03/06/2013 23:29

"you.have.no.idea"

Why? Because I disagree with you?
Well, as both a step mother and a Learning Mentor, my views are shaped by my experience.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 23:34

Unless the child is resident in your household, typically there is quite a lot of time off when you can recharge

In my case, a great deal of my 'child free time' over the years has been spent supporting my DP through family court, mediation and grief, and participating in professional assessments, counselling and parenting courses/workshops.
My DSC have definitely taken up a great deal of headspace and time - I wouldn't consider that time off from being a SM.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/06/2013 23:38

Well, as both a step mother and a Learning Mentor, my views are shaped by my experience

if you consider that your time with your students is comparable to your time with your DSC, then IMO, you are giving neither what they have a right to expect from you in your respective role.

suckmabigtoe · 03/06/2013 23:46

needaholiday i didn't promise you or anyone here that those choices would be lovely, easy choices where nobody got hurt.

i have made the decision to split up my family so my children are no longer living with their father. it wasn't easy for me either, or for my dcs or my EX. it's still not easy but it's a choice that was available to me and i made it. i didn't make it lightly and it didn't happen overnight. it was a long time coming and even after i'd done it i doubted myself. i am certainly not saying anyone here should be ending their relationships. i am saying there ARE choices in response to some posters implying there were none for SMs. everyone has to make their own decision based on their own individual circumstances but to deny there are choices isn't doing anyone any favours. least of all yourself (not you specifically holiday)

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 03/06/2013 23:46

"I suppose the comparison is often made because it's a similar situation, in that both teachers and step parents look after other people's children for extended periods."

This is what I actually said.
That I could see why the comparison is made.
And actually, I find that the skills required in both roles are extremely transferable- empathy, diplomacy, safeguarding/cp, building relationships with children and their carers... I could go on.

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