thank god its sunday

[BabyHMummy]

I know its an awful thing to say but having had dsc's for over a week I am really ready for them to go home.

They have really pushed boundaries this week and for the first time ever dp has actually disciplined them so we have had the backlash to deal with too. Although he still let's them get away with talking to me like crap...he is starting to back me up when I tell them off for it though.

Am soooo glad i have 2 weeks before they are here again.

Not aided by being 29 weeks pg and having an awful tummy bug for last 3 days

[NotaDisneyMum]

toe the thing about Stepparenting is that the choices available are pretty limited though. It's not like there is the same range of choices that are available to parents, for instance - often the choice is between putting up with a situation you have no influence over or ending a marriage; there's no middle ground.

My DP and his ex have recently agreed to drastically alter DSS's contact schedule. Their decision has changed my home and work life, and that of my DD, due to the practicalities of the new arrangements. Access to the family car, support in the family business, even the time I wake up on my day off have all changed because of a decision I had no influence over.

My choices are limited. I can put up with it, accept that DP and his ex believe it is best for DSS or....I can leave. I can't negotiate, or compromise, or agree to a trial - those were choices available to DP and his ex, not me.

It's understandable that so many stepparents feel powerless - the choices they have available to them are often the two extremes; there is no middle ground available for them to select.

[NotaDisneyMum]

harlem What about the impact on you as a person?

Do your DSC and your students elicite the same emotional response when they are unhappy, or disrespectful, or aggressive?
Do you have access to the same resources and expertise as a stepparent as you do as a teacher?

The qualities you mention are transferable to a range of professions - nursing & policing immediately spring to mind - why does no one compare stepparents to other paid professionals?

[suckmabigtoe]

with respect nota my choices were stay or go. there was no middle ground for me either. in the same way you can't force your DP to involve you with the decisions regarding his children i couldn't force my EXp to talk through our problems, be faithful to me, stop gas-lighting me, stop being verbally abusive. if i had chosen to stay it would also have been a choice i made, just like you choosing to be in a relationship where you partner doesn't consult you about things that affect you is a choice you have made. you are choosing for now at least to be in that relationship and so that situation. that's not to say i dont know what it's like being between a rock and a hard place- i do, but doing nothing and just accepting it- is still a choice.

[NotaDisneyMum]

toe Wouldn't you have preferred to have a wider range of choices? I would have preferred more options when my own marriage ended - counselling, meaningful mediation, negotiation - but those choices were denied me and left me feeling powerless.

Just to assure you my DP does consult me - but what are his choices in that situation? Do what us best for his DC, or inconvenience me? Despite my supporting and agreeing with his choice, it doesn't mean I have any greater influence over it or a wider range of choices available to me!

[suckmabigtoe]

"toe Wouldn't you have preferred to have a wider range of choices?"

wouldn't we all? i'm not sure i understand the point of that question. if we are wishing for stuff i would just wish not to be in the situation having to make a choice in the first place. but as that's not how life works i was and so i had to make a choice.

feeling powerless is understandable, we all do at some point in our lives about various things but it shouldn't become your default mode. we always have choices, they're rarely the ones that will make everyone (or even anyone sometimes) happy and one might be no better than another but they exist. to deny this just reinforces the idea that you are powerless as opposed to feeling powerless.

[brdgrl]

Am intrigued (or maybe I mean disgusted) by the view that step-mothering is a position I can siply choose to walk away from.

On the one hand, we're told to love our stepkids like our own and keep them from harm. Then we're told that if we don't like how things are going in our own homes, we should end our relationship and leave.

Seriously? Is this how you guys view your own marriages and families?

My stepkids have already lost a parent. It's not in their best interest to lose me now.

And then, there's the child I share with my DH. I suppose it's a reasonable choice for her to lose her home and her family life with her dad and siblings, rather than for DH and I to do things that are best for our family as a whole.

Stepmums have choices, of course we do. We can choose to tolerate abuse and disrespect from our stepkids (and from anonymous dickheads on the internet), or we can refuse.

This is my family. I've a riight to build a family life in the way I see fit - just like you.

[Xalla]

[you have a choice not to live in that house. you have a choice not to be a step mother. you have a choice not to be in a relationship with the father of the children in question. there are always choices- although those who lean towards playing the victim card will deny it.]

That is beyond naïve. Do you know who I reckon would suffer the most if I did that? My DSD. Tempting as it is....

My DH is working away quite a bit at the moment which means DSD is spending whole weeks away from our home. A couple of weeks ago I had 8 nights without DH and without DSD. It was utter bliss - I was appalled with myself for thinking it but it was honestly the most contented week I've had in ages. I'd be lying if I didn't say, towards the end of the 8 nights, I started dreading them both coming back but it was a sentiment I pushed to the back of my mind because it isn't a route I'll allow myself to go down. There would be far too much in the way of ensuing devastation.

It seems to me that 90% of the frustration on the step-parenting boards stems from one of 2 issues; a)BPs leaving SPs to parent their children and b) BPs disneying their non-resident children.

The OP's is living with both issues. The answers lie with her DP.

[FrauMoose]

Just coming back on the point raised above that 'choice' for a stepmother doesn't exist if the terms of the stepchildren's visits have been decided by the family courts.

Obviously that's true and even in informal situations smaller children in particular will benefit from a routine which shouldn't be messed around with. However I looked up to see whether there was any information on the idea that 'typically' the courts were involved. A very high proportion of my children and stepchildren's friends have separated parents with new partners, but in most cases contact arrangements seem reasoably amicable with family life having settled into new patterns. (Even if there are stresses behind the scenes.) According to a recent academic study:-

"Decisions about whether there should be contact and how much are typically made informally by parents, either acting together or unilaterally. Very few (10% or less) involve the courts (Blackwell and Dawe, 2003; Peacey and Hunt, 2008), even if they are not necessarily happy with the arrangements or are experiencing problems over contact"

That's a 2008 study for the Ministry of Justice by Oxford researchers.

So I do think it is step-parents in especially challenging situations who may find venting on Mumsnet extra helpful.

[NotaDisneyMum]

frau or, presumably, those SM in which contact has been agreed unilaterally by the RP

[suckmabigtoe]

"Am intrigued (or maybe I mean disgusted) by the view that step-mothering is a position I can siply choose to walk away from."

you can- whether you're willing to admit that here or not. you can. no-one is forcing you to be a SM.

"Then we're told that if we don't like how things are going in our own homes, we should end our relationship and leave. "

who said you should? i said it was an option available to you. just like it was an option available to me.

Stepmums have choices, of course we do. We can choose to tolerate abuse and disrespect from our stepkids (and from anonymous dickheads on the internet), or we can refuse.

"This is my family. I've a riight to build a family life in the way I see fit - just like you."

exactly my point. they way you see fit- meaning you have made a choice.

i dont understand this refusal to accept that you have got and have made choices to be where you are.

[allnewtaketwo]

"in most cases contact arrangements seem reasoably amicable"

Fraumouse you're surely not do naive to think that SMs in amicable situations are the ones "venting" on here

[Kaluki]

I can't count the number of times I have dreamt about considered bailing out and not being a stepmum any more.
But the fallout from that would have been immense - for my own dc as well as the sdc. I would have been heartbroken to split from DP as would he, we would have had to move house, my dc love their stepsiblings so they would have been upset, not to mention putting all of them through another breakup.
At the end of the day we do have choices but when those choices mean hurting the very people we love the most, we make the unselfish choice to stay and face the problems for the good of the family as a whole.
For my part I am glad I stuck it out as things are improving and however bad things get DP and I are stronger together.

[brdgrl]

suck, I could just as easily say that you could give up being a mum to your own children. See, when things get tough, you could just put them into care and abandon your responsibilities. We all have the choice!

[VBisme]

In fact there's been a thread today about a mum wanting to give up.

Funnily enough no-one has yet suggested that she has an option to walk away.

[suckmabigtoe]

i agree- that is an option available to me if i think my dcs are more than i can cope with. what is your point?

[brdgrl]

You see walking away from your family as an option. You think we should do the same.

It seems to me that you're the one suffering from a moral deficit.

You're behaving appallingly on this board, suck. Why?

[suckmabigtoe]

"You see walking away from your family as an option"

it is an option

"You think we should do the same."

quote where i said you should.

"It seems to me that you're the one suffering from a moral deficit. "

in what way am i morally deficient?

"You're behaving appallingly on this board, suck. "

quote my appalling behaviour.

[VBisme]

It's a ridiculous argument, any course of action is an option that doesn't make it socially or morally acceptable.

[brdgrl]

You're nasty, you're clearly here with an agenda, and you have been offensive and insulting.

quote where i said you should.
Um, you have said repeatedly that we should see leaving as an option. Are you backing down from that now?

in what way am i morally deficient?
Was I unclear? You see abandoning your family as an 'option'. You have suggested that stepmums who find themselves struggling, should leave, despite the damage it will cause to their families. You have the nerve to give out to stepmothers here about how they treat their stepchildren - and yet your solution is that they abandon the family. Yep, seems morally deficient to me.

And I think I've already addressed your third point.

[suckmabigtoe]

hmm, well you see if i was living with a person who had thoughts about smacking my children i'd feel it was my moral duty to end their contact with them and my relationship with them. i dont think that would make me morally deficient at all. ending a relationship and breaking up a family isn't always the worst option. or morally/socially unacceptable. so i disagree that it's a ridiculous argument.

[brdgrl]

That was not your argument at all, suck. Revisit your own posts, please.

[VBisme]

Oh, I think I'm getting the back story here.

Suck you can't assume that the Op was actually planning on physically assaulting her step children.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is totally different from walking away from your family because you find them difficult to cope with sometimes.

[suckmabigtoe]

i have no agenda here- i answer posts how i feel is right. like all other posters.

"you have said repeatedly that we should see leaving as an option. "

yep- that's different from saying you should leave your family.

i havent said anyone should abandon their families. please dont put words in my mouth.

[suckmabigtoe]

brdgrl i'm completely aware of my own posts. i was pointing out that sometimes it is acceptable to split a family up for example if my children's step parent wanted to hit them. as opposed to the argument thrown at me that leaving was morally unacceptable.

i dont assume that OP was actually planning on hitting her stepchildren- i assume from her posts that she would like to.